Isn't it heartbreaking, My Beloved Sinners, to see how Liberals and Atheists are trying to besmirch the reputation of the most inspiring advocate for anabolic steroids to have ever held public office? I'm speaking, of course, of former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, the man who despite the obvious disability of being born a foreigner, proved that with the help of a well-filled posing pouch, body-oil, and plenty of intravenously injected hormones, nothing is impossible through faith.
I'm referring, of course, to the "outrage" over revelations that the ex-governor impregnated his family's housekeeper - tragic proof of the extent to which Apostate Episcopalians have rendered the world Biblically Illiterate, and compromised our once clear understanding of Scriptural teachings on the family. And in turning their backs upon these examples which were given for all men's edification (in addition to any women who as a result of having been raised in unbelieving households are able to read), these so-called "Anglicans" not yet in schism from Canterbury have reached now plumbed depths so perverse that they would even condemn those humbly walking in the footsteps of our own ancestor in God's salvific covenant.
Those of you who still have Bibles should please turn to Galatians 3:7 (those of you without your own personal copy of God’s Word should simply steal one of the Gideons’ after your next rendezvous at a local motel). Reading what you see there will show that even an Ould twin can’t quibble over the fact that Abraham is the spiritual father of all who would call themselves “Christian”. Then turn to Proverbs 4:1, where you will see the indisputable command for sons to pay attention and learn from their father’s instruction and example. Indeed, so seriously does the Bible take the issue of filial obedience that Deuteronomy 21:18-21 is it quite clear that disrespectful sons must be put to death – something so-called “experts” on the family like James Dobson invariably water down, like the wishy-washy liberals they really are.
No, My Sinners, an obedient son does as his father did. And our father Abraham generously shared the seed of his loins with his wife’s housekeeper – you can read of his faithfulness for yourselves in Genesis 16:1-4. Which is exactly what ex-governor Schwarzenegger did, presumably whilst enjoying a well-deserved break from repetitively lifting things (or one of the many other intensely cerebral challenges which comprise the sport of bodybuilding).
That’s right - he followed the example of our father Abraham! So it’s no wonder that those embracing the homosexualist agenda to allow people to live as God has made them are now criticizing the man Christians know and love as “the Governator”. Anyone wicked enough to hold that the Sacrament of Marriage - an institution which the inerrant word of Scripture clearly shows is for the benefit of one man, one woman, and the woman’s slave(s)/personal staff – was also given as a blessing to loving monogamous couples (including those with similarly-shaped smelly bits) - has clearly abandoned the “faith once and for all delivered to the saints”. As such it’s no surprise that they would also denigrate a god-fearing Republican for choosing to faithfully embrace a Biblical lifestyle.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.