Honestly, My Beloved Sinners; all the attention currently being paid to little Harold Camping and his assertion that this coming Saturday evening is going to be a little more memorable than most is making this old Doctrinal Warrior sick.
I mean really, if God was going to spill any secrets that big, He’d do so with me. The mere idea that I would be left out of a loop this large is ridiculous - let alone the notion that the best person the Almighty could find to call the nations to repentance is some fool who hasn’t even put any Google advertisements on his web site in order to capitalize on all the attention. After all, Harold Camping isn’t even an Anglican, so how he can possibly claim to understand anything of what the Bible teaches? Although, I’ve got admit, neither are little Peter Jensen and his family, and that doesn’t stop them from laboring under the same delusion.
Not of course, that this isn’t proving a fabulous opportunity for us here at St. Onuphrius’. Our special Rapture Insurance® team of Lay Ministers/Sales personnel has been simply overun with enquiries, and their closure rate has hit an all-time high - currently few than one in ten contracts are involuntary, or made to persons deemed medically incapable of understanding what they’re signing. With one paltry down payment (cash only please, although welfare recipients are permitted to sign their check over) people can enjoy peace of mind knowing that in the event of their being raptured any unsaved loved ones will be provided for.
Naturally provisions apply - as with any reputable insurance product – and for the benefit of any of you big-government types out there I would like to stress that any offers made by or purporting to be made on behalf of Rapture Insurance Ministries® pertain only to persons residing in such jurisdictions as where this sort of thing can be got away with and I am in no way liable for any actions made which may appear to be in contravention of this fact. (Sorry about that, but one can’t be too careful about such matters. And there's never such a thing as too much fine print when you're a Conservative. Just ask little Peter Ould. Or Harold on Sunday morning.)
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
If I were Hal Lindsey I'd sue.
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9 comments:
Dear Father
I have wired you a down-payment to ensure my dog and wife are placed in a Nursing Home following my imminent departure. I shall see you on Sunday morning, when we can have a nice cup of tea at the feet of Jesus. What a shame the Jensens won't be there - along with Peter Ould and other homosexualists.
My mother is far away (though not as far away as she'll be come saturday) and I'm not well placed to ask whether the coming rapture is in the same category as the oncoming bus with respect to the need for clean and fresh-smelling shorts.
Is one raptured "butt nekkid" or are the classic pictures of clothes left in piles simply metaphor?
Come Sunday morning, the 22nd, the World will no longer exist, Fr Carte.
JUDGMENT DAY is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind¨
One might safetly say that God has observed ¨destruction¨ for a very long time-- why the rush now as deadly/degenerate Homophobia is about to be smashed, Osama Bin Laden is dead and the GOP Party ¨Greedsters¨ are falling through the cracks in their own heads?
Badge for the 21st.
ROFLMAO BOQ! Thank you!
A great source of fun, come Sunday morning, will be identifying those left behind who felt certain of their salvation ("What else did the sanctimonious cow expect?"; "Always knew he was a Whited Sepulchre".)
Any of you righteous ones who ascend to heaven when The Rapture comes on May 21st . . . please toss your wallet down to me.
Dang it, and all that Rapture practice gone to waste. You see, I figured it out that all the best mansions in Heaven were going first-come, first-served, and I had my eye on this honey of a McMansion on the corner of Faith St and Hallelujah Blvd that was gonna get snapped up in a heartbeat so I spent the week before the anticipated event out in the backyard jumping up and down increasing my vertical leap, so I could get a head start on the rest of yinz. I'm up to a stunning 2ft leap which is impressive for someone of my weight and age, and now the Rapture ain't happening.
I did the research and realized that Camping did the math wrong. See, he carried the one and multiplied by three, he should have multiplied by one and carried the three and then he would have come up with September 13, 2011, which so happens to be my birthday. That's a heckuva present. So maybe all that practice will come into play after all. You heard it here folks. The whole she-bang goes ka-blooey on September 13, 2011.
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