Sunday, May 29, 2011

California, Here I Come...

Even though I have faithfully heeded the spirit’s call to address the subject a number of times in past weeks, it looks my Sermon this morning is once again going to focus upon the importance of giving generously to one’s Church. This time, however, general parish expenditure will play no part the reasons underlying my carefully-considered exegetical emphasis. (Look: with the price of gas what it is these days, it costs a lot of money to keep my Hummer filled, ok? And it what sort of message would it give to the world if the World’s Most Orthodox Christian couldn’t just drive straight over the top of anyone getting in his way?)

No, this week will see the launch of a special new project – one even more exciting than all the other special new projects I’ve been called to launch here at St. Onuphrius’. In fact this one is so special, new, and exciting, that I can already sense everyone reaching for their plain brown envelopes and cash. That’s because I’ve just learned that Robert Schuller’s Crystal Cathedral is on the market and, My Beloved Sinners, by some miracle of what can only be described as divine timing, this sale coincides with a vision that has come to me - one involving St. Onuphrius’ expansion beyond dear old Ichabod Springs.

Of course nobody should for one moment think my decision to start jumping diocesan boundaries has been taken lightly, even if the idea did just first pop into my head a few minutes ago. Respect for Anglican boundaries is ancient part of the faith delivered unto the saints - one even older than the principle of fearing those different and/or less affluent than oneself. As such it can only be discarded in the most serious of circumstances. Like, for example, those experienced by layman Martyn Minns upon finally realizing his nagging purple itch would never get scratched if he didn’t do something drastic. Or the pressing needs of the former Archbishop of Rwanda, who correctly understood that taking over North American congregations would prove a vastly more lucrative (albeit less spiritually satisfying) substitute for his countrymen’s traditional pastime of butchering the women and children of unrelated tribes.

Needless to say, my reasons are every bit as valid. Firstly; I have always been a great admirer of Robert Schuller: it was his famous aphorism “Turn your scars into stars” which prompted an extremely profitable investment in a chain of tattoo parlours – my “Post-surgery Package” specials revolutionized industry returns. Although I’ve still to experience similar success with his other catchphrase “If you can dream it, you can do it!”, since I have yet to find myself falling down an endless tunnel with Elvis. Although I have on a number of occasions found myself naked in the shopping mall.

Secondly; I have for some time been hearing rumours of the dearth of Biblical teaching in the Los Angeles region. It grieves me deeply to report these were recently confirmed by my discovery that The Friends of Jake - a blog run by a number of people either currently or previously living in California, or who have perhaps vacationed there (or almost certainly know somebody who has once visited Disneyland) - have removed me from their blogroll!!!.

That’s right, and don’t ever dare to think that I don’t notice these things. No stench of apostasy is too subtle to escape my theologically-heightened olfactory senses, and if all you Liberal Homosexualist Christ-following Atheists and your friends think you can escape the two-edged sword of My Teaching that easily you’ve all got another thing coming. One that you ingrates had better believe an Hour of Power on my 236-foot Prayer Tower will teach you for good. (Stop rolling your eyes Consuella – I’m trying to convict these Sinners of their need for repentance!)

Finally, any members of the Crystal Cathedral’s remaing congregation (until now I’d thought only little Don Armstrong or admirers of the Jensen family were capable of shedding 90% of their congregation in just ten years) reading this needn’t worry about my arrival bringing any drastic overnight changes. Bishop Quinine and Brother Richthofen’s Friends from Seminary are already looking forward to bringing Pastor Kok’s Kigdness Korner new vigour (although I’m not sure if that’s because they misheard my saying “Pastor” as “pass the”, or because they’re unaware the man’s family name is spelt a little differently to how they’d assumed).

And admirers of the delightful Kristy Cavinder can rest assured that former Miss California’s liturgical dance ministry will most definitely continue. Although I dare say the girls in the Pole Dancers’ Fellowship may help add a few new moves to her repertoire…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

14 comments :

Fr Orsen Carte said...

I attended this redundant glass edifice whilst on vacation some years ago. I was invited to join "Fear of Success Anonymous" since, like you Father, I am a modest bible-preacher who is frightened of his own brilliance. What a shame Mr Schuller is an abysmal failure. Please ensure the "Fear of Success" Group continues to flourish in its 12 Steps to oblivion. Perhaps Martyn Minns might be made honorary Chaplain as he follows Mr Schuller into moral and financial bankruptcy.

Fred Schwartz said...

Well, there are many things to convey on this Sunday morning. First, you may be able to use the late Reverend Ike's most famous saying (now that you are setting up in SoCal): "Pie in the sky in the bye and bye" to your advantage.
And secondly, I have been struck blind and could not see again until I listed your blog on Real Anglicans. Thank you Father Christian!

Mike Hunt said...

Might Bob Duncan be in the bidding? Seems he's short a cathedral. Bit of a bugger for him to fill, though. Would the entire actual membership of ACNA make it?

Leonardo Ricardo said...

HARK! I think the Mr. Howie Ahmansons crowd/gang right down near there in Newport Beach ought move into the Crystal Cathedral and abandon their costly Episcopal Church fleecing...Lord knows they have experience with snatch and grab and possession IS, or must be, the LAW-- they could name it Saint Lukes of Orombi-Bahati and no doubt bus-in huge crowds of the various glitzy/greedy housewifes of Orange County that we sometimes see on those inspirational shows that do sooo mucho to advance humankind.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Good idea Leonardo & Mike. And after the morning Eucharist they could use the same facilities to film a few programs for home-shopping channels before the crowd is released. that way they'd really be ministering to those profoundly spiritual housewives of ACNA/Orange County.

@Fred - thank you my son. Having restored your sight I will now ask God to send you an additional blessing as a token of my appreciation. Warn those dear to you to expect an increase by the order of several inches in the next few days.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Warn those dear to you to expect an increase by the order of several inches in the next few days.

Just like my latest zucchini, measuring in at 13" long.

MadPriest said...

Father Christian, I hear on the non-alcoholic fruit juice vine, that the Head of the Family Firm is getting really annoyed about these bus adverts in Sydney that proclaim "Jesus Is A Prophet Of Islam." Evidently it's because they remind him that it's been years since the Family Firm made any sort of profit.

val said...

Now we can know the true God. The woman of Revelation 12 is now here. God is precise: It is a woman Rev 12 that delivers the true word John1:1, Rev 12:5, Rev 12:13 who restores Acts 3:21 all things to the world before Christ’s return. This woman exposes the lies of Satan who has deceived the whole world Rev 12:9. This woman creates a new thing in the earth by fulfilling God's promise to Eve Gen 3:15, Jer 31:22, Isa 14:16. Moses and Elijah are together with the word Matt 17:3 they all three are in this one woman. She is like unto Moses Num 12:3. She was raised up Acts 3:22 from the Laodicean church that becomes lukewarm because they refused to hear her Rev 3:14-17. She is bold like Elijah Matt 17:11, Luke 1:17. As Elijah was alone declaring the true God to the people 1 Kings 18:22 so also her witness alone turns the hearts of the fathers to the children Mal 4:5-6 to prepare a people for the Lords return before the great and dreadful day of the Lord Matt 17:3, Luke 9:30. Those who will not hear Acts 3:23 the true word of God she now deliveres to the world free of charge, as a witness, at the heel of time from the wilderness Rev 12:6 will not be allowed inside the walls of God’s coming kingdom from heaven Rev 21. This true testimony of the true value of the blood of the Lamb delivers the truth that not one child of God will be put in a hell fire no matter what their sins. It never entered the heart or mind of God to ever do such a thing Jer 7:31, Jer 19:5. God created evil Isa 45:7 to teach his children the knowledge of good and evil Rom 8:7, Gen 3:22 so that at their resurrection they become a god Matt 22:29-30, Ps 82:6. Prove all things. You cannot rightly judge this unless you read all that has been written by this woman first Pro 18:13. http://minigoodtale.blogspot.com Check out the bruising of Satan and the reason for all of mankind’s sufferings.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

... sometimes even I am amazed by the people who drop by here.

And so "val" - while I'm concerned you're a whole chain of drugstores short of getting your meds balanced, it is good to see that your fundamentalism hasn't crushed the flower of your creativity and imagination. But please, try and relax a little, ok? Leave the histrionic exegesis shtick to Harold Camping, and try learning to laugh again.

Fr Orsen Carte said...

Perhaps Justin Welby may help revive this ailing 'Cathedral' by joining your staff, Father. As the new Bishop of Durham, it is hoped Mr Welby will spend most of his time in the USA like his frequently-flying predecessor. Clergy in Durham Diocese feel much happier when their Bishop is abroad saving American sinners.
http://www.durham.anglican.org/news-and-events/news-article.aspx?id=193

Anonymous said...

Have you considered this unique Nigerian means of raising funds?

I think it might be how the "Orthodox" are paying for all those first class plane tickets!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Isn't Orthodoxy's Homeland a marvelous place?

Lapinbizarre said...

Looks as though Orthodoxy's Homeland may soon have its hands full on the home front.

Boaz said...

On ya' Val. Love those words "free of charge"

But hey, don't you just admire pithy speakers?

People who can say it all in just one paragraph!

Come back Val. Who art this woman of which thou speaketh? Is it Ms Moose-Shootin'-Boot-Scootin'-Palin or should we look for another, even more fruity?