Following an overwhelming flood of requests (ok - one of you asked) I present the text of the inspiring sermon I delivered to my packed congregation of enthralled Sinners last Sunday morning.
In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Book…
Few things are more indicative of the Apostate Liberal Malaise afflicting our Church in this dark and shameless age than the lectionary’s bald reference to today as “The Third Sunday in Easter”. That’s right, My Beloved Sinners; were the recognition paid to this Holiest of occasions by our Ungodly Prelates and their Biblically Illiterate Liturgists anything to go by it might as well not be Mother’s Day at all, but merely one of a sequence of Sundays subsequent to the anniversary of some minor event which occurred way back in the mists of time.
However by the Grace of God, and a rewritten Parish Constitution appointing me as Rector in perpetuity, St. Onuphrius’ has been blessed with a Leader who will NEVER succumb to whatever flight of fancy is the latest to tickle the ears of those determined to take you all to Hell in a handbasket, and in this parish the second Sunday in May always has been, and always will be, known by its proper liturgical title: Mother’s Day. Just as it was by the Reformers, and St. James who wrote our Holy Scriptures, and even by St. Paul himself.
Nor should any of you ever allow your wicked hearts and uneducated minds to be led astray by those who would argue that the Church Fathers made no reference to this day, nor proscribed the date upon which all Christian nations ought celebrate it. That’s exactly the kind of picky detail with which those who would seek to destroy the Gospel by reducing the value of my substantial shareholding in a number of firms manufacturing greeting cards would say. Furthermore, don’t for one instant accept the glib protests made by those in Great Britain or Nigeria that their own heretical celebration upon the fourth Sunday in Lent is just as good. It’s Lent, for goodness sake! That’s a time for reflection, piety and increasing one’s giving to Church, not for spending up big on the one from whose loins you were expelled. If these heterodox so-called “Christians” were serious about wishing to celebrate Mother’s Day on a different date to the that which was ordained by God they would at least choose one after ours, thereby giving Bible-believers a chance to offload anything we couldn’t sell on the real occasion.
Mother’s Day is a sacred occasion on which every one of you must, in addition to purchasing a handful of the most expensive cards you can find, prayerfully remember not just your own Mother, and - if like me you are a man who has faithfully heeded Our Lord’s command to “Be fruitful and multiply” - the various Mothers of your offspring, but all women who have reproduced. Although you should never succumb to the temptation of permitting your reverence to be anything other than sentimental. This is no time for dwelling upon the pragmatic details of reality, or what members of the gender whom St. John Chrysostom sensitively described as able to "effect nothing of themselves" might mistakenly think shows respect for Motherhood - like affordable health-care, or universally accessible child-care
Rather it is a time to show how much you really value and esteem the Hallowed Calling of the maternal gender - by giving a bunch of flowers, and a new pot-holder. And have I mentioned the importance of buying cards?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.