Monday, February 14, 2011

Divorce & Adultery - A Valentine's Homily.

On Valentine's Day, a time when those less righteous than myself are traditionally tempted to dream of matters of the flesh, it's always worth remembering the words God dictated to the prophet Malachi, who then told King James: “I hate divorce” words which Biblical Scholars traditionally see as proof of The Almighty having had experience dealing with the typical family law attorney – an encounter which undoubtedly preceded His invention of “smiting”.

Jesus, like many offspring of those who’ve had the privilege of paying a divorce lawyer’s mortgage, was no more enthusiastic. He explained permission for couples to divorce was only given “For the hardness of your heart” - a statement which has always intrigued me, for in my experience it’s the hardness (or otherwise) of an entirely different organ that contributes most to divorce. Consequently, since many in Jesus’ audience had probably never received those helpful emails offering to sell discount Viagra, it’s probable He chose to use a metaphor they could understand. Or perhaps Mary Magdalen had a brother who’d recently started practicing as a cardiologist, and He was kindly drumming up patients – the truth of the matter is a mystery lost in time. But what we do have are Jesus’ Words, and Conservative Christians must do with these what we can.

Which is why we must always understand that when a person looks at a woman and finds her arousing that person is committing adultery – exactly as if they were themselves either divorced or in the act of Biblically Knowing a divorced person. And please read the text before claiming it’s acceptable if the object of desire is one’s spouse – the Bible says “a woman”. So all you men who like men here can breathe easy (or pant, as the case may be) for now, although I’m afraid the lesbians should understand they’re definitely included - anyone yearning for someone whom God designed to pee sitting down is an adulterer.

More so, when studying the Scriptures we must always examine them in context, and it’s important to note that the Bible’s uncompromising teaching on divorce in Matthew 5:31-32 follows immediately upon a passage advising sinners to pluck out their right eyes and chop off their right hands rather sin (Matthew 5:29-30) – a practice which I urge those less righteous than myself adopt if they wish to consider themselves as leading a Bible-centred lives.

Indeed: Apostate Liberals can squirm and deny this all they wish, but the text is plain for all to see, and there’s nothing to suggest any shift from figurative language to literal at the start of verse 29. No, My Beloved Sinners, the Plain Meaning of the Word is beyond dispute. So I urge you all this Valentine’s Day – an occasion which we all know is actually about looking at others - don’t give flowers, or some other bauble which will only turn to dust. Instead give those you fancy a meat-cleaver, and a sharp, pointy stick – that way you’ll soon know if the object of your desire really takes the Bible as seriously as they claim. Just don’t get any ideas about me being in any way liable should they decide to use it on you first.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Peter Ould: A Tailpiece.

My Beloved Sinners: there are so many matters in urgent in need of my attention that it seems remiss of my to devote yet another homily to the Rev. Peter Ould’s proctological ponderings, but since you’ve all raised so many questions in response to my last post this old pastorally tireless heart of mine demands I address these before moving on to less important subjects, such as the Democrats’ appalling victory over those of us committed to ensuring the majority of Americans continue receiving the very best in unaffordable third-world health-care. Or perhaps even the ruling-which-my-brethren-cannot-mention - although then again, perhaps it’s best I leave at least one scoop for little David Virtue.

So with no further ado, and because answering your questions in a post rather than in the comments field where they were asked is a great way of keeping the traffic rolling in on a topic that’s certainly brought some interesting visitors (just what exactly the person who arrived as a result of Googling “anal bible sex teacher animal” was hoping to find is probably best not explored) let us proceed:

Dr. Harrisburg, the pioneering nuclear psychiatrist who visits here often, but never leaves comments for reasons of professional ethics (either that or because he’s afraid they’ll enable the Atomic Energy Commission to trace him), is convinced the piece is in imminent danger of removal in a wave of remorse, embarrassment at what it reveals about the author’s obsessions, and because his employers at Christ Church, Ware might be less than delighted to learn of the parish’s international fame as the home of .British Evangelical bum-fun. This may prove correct, but as I explained to the good doctor over a refreshing glass of Radithor on ice, Google’s cache facility has ensured Prostate Pete’s prose of pleasure will remain forever available here.

Meanwhile Dr. Harrisburg’s colleague on the other side, Professor Sigmund, has been drenching their consulting rooms with ectoplasm in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that Peter has now terminated the discussion, closing at the entirely unsymbolic figure of 69 comments. As Professor Sigmund said (spelling his words through the receptionist’s Ouija board): “Not even I could make this stuff up”.

Fr. Orsen Carte emphasized the fact that Peter Ould’s Bishop, the Rt. Rev. Dr. Alan Smith strictly adheres to God's Regulations requiring celibacy outside Holy Wedlock. This is, of course, something of which there can be absolutely no doubt: with a nosey little curate like Prostate Pete in his Diocese the poor Bishop risks being reported if he so much as dares to pee sitting down. Anything more than three shakes and His Grace will be facing charges of conduct unbecoming a Clerk in Holy Orders. But how comforting indeed must it for +St. Albans to know if he should find himself called to marriage the Curate of Ware will be standing right behind him, ready to show Mrs. St.Albans everything she needs to know.

Apropos of nothing which could possibly be related to Peter Ould (a point Consuella insists I need to make for legal reasons), Fr. MadPriest, was reminded of Ted Haggard, who recently announced that if it wasn't for "his faith he would be a bisexual" and wondered if by batting for both teams one can in fact double the chances of hitting a homer. This is an interesting question and one that a certain very handsome friend of mine explored at length when he was a much younger man – purely for the purpose of Biblical research, you must understand. Unfortunately my friend – who was, of course, undertaking this research purely out of academic charity, and in an unquestionably Orthodox spirit of prayer - found that rather than increasing his chances it merely doubled the number of rejections. And now please don’t ever mention this research again, or else my friend will be forced to go “post-gay” on you with his attorneys.

Finally, Fr. Tobias observed that, like Peter Ould’s preferred conversation starter, heterosexual intercourse has also not infrequently throughout history resulted in a very risky and potentially damaging and deadly outcome, namely childbirth. Whilst this may indeed be a valid point, one can hardly criticize Rev. Ould – or, for that matter, any Conservative Bible-based Evangelical, for ignoring it. After all, the associated perils only apply to women. So it’s not as if anyone of any value in the Communion needs to take them all that seriously, is it?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Peter Ould brings up the rear.

As everyone knows, Conservative Biblical Bible-believers are not obsessed with sex. Just because we talk about it at every opportunity, write about it incessantly, and recognize that a day in which a Christian hasn’t discussed sex is a day wasted, is in no way to be understood as evidence of any kind of obsession. Whatsoever. Sex is simply something we feel Jesus forgot to treat as seriously as He should have, and we’re just faithfully seeking to make up for His error.

Which is undoubtedly why the famous post-gay advocate Peter Ould has just given the world a post devoted entirely to bottom play titled “Conversation” (since the Ould lads often block links from Biblical blogs you may have to copy and paste into your browser to share in his idea of NSFW titillation). After all, what else does a young Curate who professes to no longer having any interest in playing at Liberace’s end of the piano have to think about? And who better qualified to discuss the medical aspects of what everyone knows all homosexualists (including the female ones) do all the time (except, perhaps, when they’re being bashed, murdered, or vilified) than a Curate with no medical training?

In fact so profoundly impressive is Peter Ould’s rectal recitation that a leading Conservative British blog is urging grateful readers to contact Prostate Pete’s Bishop and tell His Grace how much they appreciate the Curate of Ware’s commitment to colonic conversation. This is a marvellous idea, and I urge all My Beloved Sinners to do likewise. I have personally emailed the Rt. Revd. Alan Gregory Clayton Smith to congratulate him on becoming Britain’s First Bishop of Bum-Fun, and there can be no doubt he’ll be almost as delighted to receive similar encouragement from all of you.

Not, of course, that there is anything particularly new about engaging in theological conversation regarding one’s favourite position. Here at St. Onuphrius’ my Wednesday evening class in Foundational Theology has featured fortnightly seminars on the “Reverse Cowgirl” for years. Still, I have it on good authority that Peter Ould - whom, as I may have mentioned, really isn’t obsessed with sex - will be very soon moving away from his customary anal fixation, and into the hitherto un-evangelically-explored territory of the “Angry Dragon” and “Dirty Sanchez”. (Google them if you really must, but don’t say you haven’t been warned. And whatever you do, please don’t do so at your place of employment. Unless you work for fundamentalists, in which case in 5 years time when all the fuss has died down and you’ve managed to build a new life you’ll thank me for getting you out of there.)

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.