Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Those innovative Romans.

If one thing about being the unquestionable leader of the GAFCON movement is hardest of all, it’s this: not letting women teach in accordance with our notoriously spurious exegesis of 1 Timothy 2:12.

Now I can’t deny that some leading scions of schism are able to spend their entire lives without letting a woman teach them anything: just look at little Layman John-David Schofield (although the stories I’ve heard about young men teaching him things could fill a book – one it’s a pity he’ll never have the courage to write), but the truth is that over the years I’ve learnt just as much from women as I have from men.

I know this a strange occurrence, particularly given women only comprise more than half of the earth’s population, but I didn’t rise to where I am today by telling lies except when speaking under oath, or addressing gatherings of gullible clergy. Consequently I have no qualms about telling you, my dearly beloved sinners, that a faithful reader of inordinate intelligence, who also happens to be of the female gender, recently alerted me to a most intriguing development, for which I am profoundly grateful:

The Roman Catholics have recommenced the practice of issuing indulgences..

While there’s no denying Roman Catholics preach a perverted false Gospel, and as a result will spend all eternity in the agonizing fires of hell, I’ve always found them extremely likeable. God might hate Father McCracken from St.Catamite’s, our local Roman franchise, but in my book he’s a charming fellow who’s shared many a fine evening here at the Rectory. After all, it’s not his fault his church broke away from ours a few centuries ago under Henry VIII. Nor can anyone really blame them for having pinched all that flamboyant liturgical stuff Newman and his Oxford pals dreamed up, with no women around the altar they’ve got to do something to a bit of glamour to the show.

That’s why I’m delighted to see them going back to one of the greatest innovations since Simon Magus gave someone the idea of inventing televangelism almost 2,000 years before the TV came along. After all, since money can make Episcopalian Anglo-Catholics take a little puritan like Peter Jensen seriously, why can’t it also influence God into releasing evil-doers from purgatory a few millennia before their bell rings? My only question is this: can it work both ways? If we siphon off a few grand from parish expenses and donate it the appropriate agency could we please have a few centuries added to Martyn Minns’ time of suffering? And how much would it cost to have Rick Warren tortured where the sun don’t shine for a few weeks? If we all chip in I'm sure we could afford it: heaven knows we'd probably get a discount rate in his instance.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'll have what Jack's having.

Well, well, well; hot on the heels of the AAC’s attempt at a sequel to Foxe’s Book of Martyrs, comes little ±Jack Iker’s Reflections on the Alexandria Communiqué. Let me tell you, you can call me an Anabaptist if it isn’t the funniest thing I’ve seen since that time over at little Martyn Minns’ house, when Big Pete drank too much and spent all night forcing young Willy Cox to sit on a whoopee cushion.

Yes indeed, one brief perusal is all it takes to get one’s sides splitting; it’s clear that little Jack’s staff don’t call him “The Joker” behind his back because he keeps adjusting his pompatus of love, that’s for sure. Honestly, there are so many gems in the all-too-brief 1 ½ pages that it’s hard to know where to begin; perhaps with ACNA is a missionary movement, but it is not interested in sheep stealing from our Communion Partner friends. Isn’t that just priceless??!! Next he’ll be claiming that he’s never had the slightest interest in stealing the farmhouses either!

Or how about this: …it is not ACNA that is causing the divisions, but TEC.” Or this: “I am all for a ceasefire and reconciliation two sentences before I see no realistic chance of reconciliation. Talk about keeping both sides of the fence covered – one cut & paste and little Jack’s lawyers can have him tag-teaming anyone they want should things come down to a little litigational wrestling.

Then again, this is the character whom a week ago was basking in Viagravillain praises for having told four of the parishes that never bought his nonsense about leaving the Church that they were free rejoin that which they’d never left – although two of them (St. Fort Worth and St. Luke’s Stephenville) would first have to repay him mortgages to which he has no legitimate title. That there appears to actually be six entire parishes not silly enough to have fallen for his lure doesn’t seem to have occurred to any of his cheer squad – perhaps the other two have too many assets to risk letting them slip through one’s fingers.

Or perhaps, like me, everyone’s just laughing so hard that they haven’t yet noticed any of these subtler aspects of the prank. There’s no denying that it’s hard to read the fine print when you eyes are brimming over with tears…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The AAC tell it like Big Pete sees it.

Bible-believing Christians around the world are relieved that the American Anglican Council has released their report to the Primates on the Episcopal Church. Prepared in response to a request from Big Pete Akinola, it’s beautifully typed, and someone’s clearly shown the young men of the AAC how to use a spell-checker, since I’ve closely searched all 42 pages of the thing in hope of finding a funny spelling mistake, to no avail.

Naturally it also shows the temperate disregard for sensationalism for which its authors have long been famous; from the from the modestly bold capitals of the sub-title “TEARING THE FABRIC OF COMMUNION TO SHREDS” to the final line, which delivers the terrible news that in 2008 a single parish in Wisconsin (2007 pop 5,601,640) was lost to wherever it people who hate liberals in Wisconsin go. What’s more it highlights once and for all just how low the Church has sunk in their obscene drive to reflect God’s love by including men and women we once use to exclude, abuse, and ridicule with impunity.

Take this picture, for example, on page 34 of the report:

Everyone knows weddings are supposed to be a formal and serious occasion, yet these two lovebirds are clearly being permitted to enjoy sharing a private joke without fear of reprimand. What’s more, the gentleman on the right’s tie and collar is clearly askew! That sort of slovenliness isn’t permitted in weddings at St. Onuphrius’, I can tell you that for certain, and there’s no reason it would be permitted anywhere else if the Presiding Bishop wasn’t hopelessly incapable of telling all the apostate liberals to straighten themselves up.

Or take this image, from page 35:

I ask you, in a gay pride/rights parade what kind of Man of God wears jeans? Please!! Going to hell in a hand-basket is one thing, but this is clearly taking it all too far!! Even Evangelical Eric knows there are some occasions when only leather chaps, or a tiny little pair of disco shorts, are appropriate. Have these lawless heretics no sense of decorum??

The ultimate shock of the report, however, is this one on page 33:

Taken at the Interfaith Memorial Chapel in Grace Cathedral, this clearly shows symbols sacred to faiths other than Christianity!! In an interfaith chapel!!

When we had an interfaith chapel here at St. Onuphrius’ we didn’t need to embrace all that foreign religious nonsense; by having a copy of the King James Bible, the New International Version, a New American Standard, and a Book of Mormon (since they hate homosexuals they can’t really be all that unorthodox, and knowing those fine young men and women are wearing secret “temple underwear” is so arousing) - and with those we were perfectly able to offer a token gesture to all the religious bases worth covering. There’s absolutely no reason Grace Cathedral can't use similar tactics to avoid taking the term “interfaith” seriously.

In fact our interfaith chapel proved a tremendous blessing to the parish: it burned down when one of our previous Curates spontaneously combusted, just three days after we had coincidently insured them both for a fortune. What’s more, the Mormons paid us a tidy sum (in cash, hallelujah!) to not try blaming them for the tragedy. If only ++KJS would let the AAC and I show her what ministry is really about…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Apology re: Mr. David Virtue

It has been brought to my attention by both a very nice regular reader, and a very nasty firm of bottom-feeding lawyers that my my previous post contained an unintentional error for which I unreservedly apologise.

Instead of directing viewers to a picture of Mr. David Virtue, the link in question instead accidently pointed to a picture of a creature commonly known as the Naked Mole Rat.

This was, as I have already stated, entirely unintentional, and absolutely no offence was intended to members of the species Heterocephalus glaber, nor to breeders and fanciers of this entirely honourable member of the animal kingdom. I can well appreciate the inference of any similarity between them and Mr.Virtue was extremely distressing, and want to reiterate that doing so was in no way my intention.

By way of explanation I can only surmise that the mistake occurred as a result of my entering the terms “abnormally cold-blooded”, “coprophagic”, “dependant upon symbiotic bacteria”, and “insensate to external pain” while Googling for an appropriate picture of Mr. Virtue. Little did I realise these terms could result in an image of something other than Mr. Virtue, for in selecting these I overlooked an important difference between the two. Heterocephalus glaber are (unusually for mammals) Eusocial, while – as everyone knows - little David Virtue is notoriously antisocial.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Prayer time folks. Now!

Every Gafconeer knows there are only three circumstances in which it is appropriate to pray in public:

  • When you want something, particularly of a material nature, such other people’s money, property, or sexual partner.

  • When you’re trying to toady up to someone you think is important – just Google the words “Stand”, ”Firm” and “Iker” to find lots of useful examples of this sort of prayer.

  • When someone others think important is trying to steal assets from the lawful owner, particularly if the owner happens to be the Church into which the would-be thief was baptised, confirmed, ordained, and to which they pledged obedience.

  • That said, I’m now going to completely disregard this guide. A certain Grandmère and her family need our prayers, and we’re going to get behind her in this even if I have to come around and personally drag each one of you to your knees.

    I also want to make perfectly clear that the fact both Bisop Quinine and Consuella have lately been warning that if I don’t start showing more empathy I’ll end up as ugly as David Virtue has absolutely nothing to do with this. Nor is it of the slightest concern to me that certain sites less firm than mine have been suggesting those of us in the terrible Gang of Four are just a group of angry malcontents. After all, since they’re wrong about pretty much everything else why bother proving them wrong about us not caring for anyone enough to pray for them? (That’s p-r-a-y little Jack Iker - I know you’ve been coming around here – not p-r-e-y. There is a difference.)

    People can say what they like; here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re not afraid of breaking the rules when we need to. It might not be something Jesus did, but since when has what Jesus did ever been a primary GAFCON concern? So get praying now – and that’s an order!

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

    PS. While you’re about it don’t forget to also remember young Brian and his fellow Australians.

    Saturday, February 7, 2009

    Entertainment isn't what it used to be.

    Real Christians know we can blame the Bishop of New Hampshire for the fact we no longer see this sort of thing in our pulpits.

    Whatever happened to the good clean Christian art of musical face slapping?

    I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

    Friday, February 6, 2009

    How can you not like Iker?

    Things have been more than a little chaotic here at St.Onuphrius’ as I prepare to launch the two firmest web sites in history, but this latest letter from little ±Jack Leo Iker has certainly got what it takes to distract me from the heady business of tweaking blogspot templates.

    That’s because in a fit of astonishing quasi-episcopal creativity the Fakir of Fort Worth has announced that not one, not two, not even three, but a whole four congregations of the diocese he’s attempting to steal are free to remain part of the church they’ve never left – providing, of course, they first pay Jack’s show the money currently owing on their mortgaged properties - money not lent by ±Jack's new sect!

    Naturally people commenting at one of the less firm places on the internet are falling over themselves to admire the Texan Tickler for this astonishing announcement, and I’d certainly like to add my voice to the throng. After all, until this stunt the only people offering to give away something they don’t own in return for the repayment of money they didn’t lend were selling Florida condos or Hawaiian Holiday Timeshares - this marks a whole new level for pseudo-Anglicanism!

    I ask you: how can any Gafconeer fail to be impressed by this fabulous application of the old shell game? A lesser man than me would find himself speechless in the face of it (which is doubtless why a certain not-as-firm-as-my-new-sites place offers no editorial on the scam), but I’m certainly not going let an inspiration like this pass by without trying it for myself.

    Consequently my ministry team are right this moment drafting letters to Canterbury Cathedral and the Vatican, explaining that I’m graciously granting them permission to keep their premises providing they first immediately repay the mortgages I’ve deemed them as owing me. While we’re at it, the Mormons have plenty of money: Salt Lake Temple looks worth claiming is actually mine. And what about St John's Shaughnessy? I’ve heard the people there will fall for anything…

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

    Sunday, February 1, 2009

    This is the day that the Lord has made!

    Dear sinners – let me tell you all that we had a simply wonderful time in church at St. Onuphrius’ this morning. Firstly we learned a new hymn written by none other that than the Christian blogosphere’s very own Episcatoid, and then, as if this wasn’t enough to get us all in a good mood, we were fortunate enough to witness Martin, our Thurifer with Tourette’s, accidentally swing his thurible right across the forehead of an unsuspecting visitor!

    Now I know I’ve told everyone countless times to not let newcomers sit near the aisle when Martin’s rostered on for High Mass, but enjoying an occasional laugh at some outsider’s expense has always been integral to Conservative worship, so there's no point making too much of a fuss. Unlike previous occasions the gentleman wasn’t seriously injured: just a minor cranial fracture and the subsequent inability to speak in anything other than what we’re calling a tribal Ugandan dialect for the purposes of obtaining a little purpose-driven missionary funding from Risk Warren (although if you ask me the gurgles sound a lot more like Kilngon).

    I don’t think I’ve mentioned Martin before, but he's a truly promising lad who came our way in a terrible state after being unjustly expelled from his studies in dental surgery on account of his condition. Given a little encouragement from us he’s really bloomed, and is currently in the process of testing the vocation that I’ve unquestionably discerned.

    Which is why I’m telling you all this: it’s just about time for him to commence studies with a view to ordination, and I’ve begun assessing seminaries around in the world in order to ensure our beloved Thurifer-with-Tourette’s receives the very best training available. If anyone has any suggestions or recommendations I would indeed be most grateful – please don’t hesitate to leave the names of places you think might be suitable in the comments below.

    In the meantime we’re now going to offer a service to other parishes, whereby we lease them Martin until any pesky parish wardens (or other superfluous laypersons) have been properly censed of their senses. His timing might be erratic, but his aim is impeccable, and providing he keeps still there’s no denying his heart is certainly in the right place.

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.