Sunday, November 30, 2008

Once upon a time in Schismland...

As the Scriptures teach, there really is nothing new under the sun, and the excitement about a possible new “parallel” Anglican Province of the Pure is making me think it’s time for everyone to sit down and have a little lesson in history. More specifically, people need to remember that all this happened once before, 70 years ago in South Africa.

Like the present dispute, the South African schism had festered for many years before finally coming to a head, although in this case the object of seething self-righteous anger was not those with the temerity to insist that God is capable of accepting those who live and love as God made them to do, but rather that other time-honoured scourge of Calvinist children everywhere – Anglo-Catholics.

After a couple of legal tiffs over property in 1932 & 1936, which left the score one-all in the battle to decide who actually owned all the real estate, the Archbishop of Sydney Australia decided to lend a hand – is everyone beginning to see a pattern here? Naturally with WW2 looming the rest of the Communion was a little preoccupied with more disturbing events, and in 1938 the result was a water-tight constitution for the evangelical escapees, who now had a new church recognised by nobody in the world except itself and Sydney.

The introduction of apartheid in 1948 saw the proud schismatics - who now called themselves “The Church of England in South Africa” (CESA), - grow further away from their sacerdotalist brethren, the Church of the Province of Southern Africa (now the Anglican Church of Southern Africa), who remained in communion with Canterbury. The appointment of Desmond Tutu as Bishop of Cape Town in the 1980s really brought CESA’s difference into stark contrast: unlike the wicked godless Liberals of the CPSA, the CESA leadership diligently obeyed the law concerning racially-mixed gatherings, and today shamelessly explain they “were only following orders”.

Which is, of course, not to say CESA ever actively supported apartheid. As their web site says: segregation along racial lines was never a policy of the Church but was the practice as a result of language, cultural and geographic differences. That’s quite right – the colored folk simply lived in the poor parts of town that no good white family would dream of visiting, and because the two races were so different it made perfect sense for them to keep separate, particularly given that the law said they should. Less well known is the fact that CESA leadership were physically unable to speak out against apartheid because God had made their hearts out of chickenshit.

All of which is enough background for now, my dear sinners. In the coming week I’ll expound further upon the many implications this precedent has for our own age: never forget that those who fail to learn from the mistakes of the past are compelled to repeat them – or at least end up looking as silly as ±Booby Duncan.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Bishop Venables - Mr. Evangelism

Yesterday I touched on one of my favourite subjects: evangelism. Let’s face it, there’s no way anyone can feverishly burn though new-comers and their bank accounts enthusiasm year after year without an effective evangelistic program – just ask Nicky Gumbel.

That’s why I’m such a huge fan of Archbishop Gregory Venables: if there’s one thing he and his Southern Cone have shown dying Apostate Liberal churches how to do, it’s Local Evangelism.. In a Province with a population of almost 95 million people ( not including “missionary” zones in third world communities like San Joaquin, Pittsburgh, or Fort Worth) our little Greg has managed to see a stunning 22,000 sinners repent of whatever it is people down there believe in.

Just take a moment to think about that - Twenty-two thousand. That’s almost as many people as are right this very moment watching the Tierra del Fuego shopping channel (”… you’re right Pedro, we also never thought we needed a refrigerator, but with bargains like this there’s no need for our ice to ever get left out in the wind again…”). The reappraisers can say what they like about the Southern Cone, but there’s no denying that the most faithful province in history has managed to reach about .021% of their population for Jesus. If that isn’t cause to get excited about the future then I don’t know what is. And the figures look even better if you start working out the percentage of North American clergy they’ve converted.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Rev. Armstrong's Outreach Opportunity

As my dear old colleague and friend Rev. Wango Nimblenuts mentioned in the comments on my previous post, The Doubtfully Reverend Don Armstrong has just been raided by more than 20 police in a raid which saw computers and financial records seized as part of the on-going investigation into little Donny’s creative usage of parish resources.

Now I’ve never made any secret of my admiration for a man who’s displayed some of the most innovative Christian financial acumen since Robert Schuller discovered how to join the words “crystal” and “cathedral”, but on this occasion I simply can’t hide my disappointment at the lack of imagination my fellow Conservatives are showing in their responses to this unfortunate incident.

Over at Viagraville the general strategy has been to claim it’s all the work of an evil conspiracy: while the Liberals commenting at Stand Firm show a touching naivety that a crueller man than me would find side-splitting, they also exemplify their kind’s utter refusal to engage in the most important task of all: EVANGELISM!!!

Here at St. Onuphrius’ the early days of my Ministry saw us raided countless times – but because the matter was handled appropriately - as an evangelical opportunity – everything was soon swept under the carpet where it belongs. How my heart wishes that lesser Christian leaders than myself might learn to similarly seize what are in reality golden opportunities to creatively spin a little good publicity!

The first thing Rev. Armstrong should have done was to make a public statement - from the street corner if necessary – claiming that was actually taking place was a local Police outreach service. He should then have announced a spectacular number of conversions to Jesus among the local constabulary, featuring a few lurid conversion stories concerning some of the better known (and preferably Baptist or Roman) Officers, in which lavish praise is heaped upon these men and the sincerity of their new-found faith.

By doing this one’s critics are effectively silenced from the start: anytime the raid is mentioned you can easily take the moral high-ground and accuse the speaker of slandering a mighty move of God – it wasn’t a raid but an outbreak of revival. In the process remember to never be shy about reminding naysayers of what happens to those who dare blaspheme against the Holy Spirit. At the same time you can be confident the Police won’t speak out to correctt you: no cop worth his doughnuts is going to stand up and say “No, I wasn’t repenting of all the evil in my life”; they’ll keep close-mouthed about the whole thing for fear of what you might say next.

Then the next step is to generously reward those officers who participated in the investigation, and the golden rule at this point is a simple one: don’t be stingy. Fr. Don is alleged to have snaffled over $400,000: in a case like this a responsible GAFCON leader should have squirreled away at least 10% for just such an occasion as this. After all, every business has its overheads, and effective Ministry involves paying the relevant commissions. $40,000 split between the 20 police would have made a nice little pre-Christmas bonus for each of them, and with a haul like that Fr. Armstrong could have easily afforded to throw in a few lap-dancers serving drinks and canapés to the investigators. Then he’d have only needed to capture proceedings on a few hidden cameras and the hearts, souls and other less honourable organs of the boys in blue would be his – why do you think I have so many senior police in my own congregation? My preaching’s undoubtedly good – but not that good. Or for that matter, why do you think we don’t hear more about these sorts of scandals occurring in Nigeria, Uganda or Sydney? Hmmm?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Thought for the Day

"The less we know about hygene, the less we are predisposed to sickness"
Mary Baker Eddy
Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures

She really would have made a marvelous reasserting Anglican...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Time for a song...

It's all getting more and more like a musical-hall melodrama. Now little Jack Iker's been shown the door through which he should have passed long ago, and the usual chorus members are wailing like foolish virgins.

In contrast I think that in time's like this it's much better to join in a song, and what could be more appropriate than Gilbert & Sullivan? Especially as when I saw the picture below one piece simply threw itself into mind:

Three little maids from school are we
Pert as a Bishop well can be
Sacked from our episcopacy
Three little maids from school

Everything is a source of fun
Nobody's safe, for we care for none
Life is a joke that's just begun
Three little maids from school

Three little maids who, all unwary
Reject what we learned in seminary
In favour of our own genius tutelary
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

One little maid went South – what fun!
Two little maids in attendance run
Three little maids is the total sum
Three little maids from school

From three little maids give two the sack
The third little maid better watch his back
+KJS is on the attack
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school!

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible

PS. Those of you unfamiliar with the original because you were home-schooled, were`raised by Baptists, or share genetic material with a member of the Jensen family, can find it here. A word of warning, however, to anyone from Nashotah House - following the link will cause you to stumble.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Anglican Heavyweights Pledge Support (Psst: Got any cheap Bishops?)

I’m delighted to hear that the Archbishops of Kenya, Ghana and a fascinating confection known as the “Diocese of Egypt with North Africa and the Horn of Africa” –(somewhere incorporating such famous hallmarks of Christian stability as Libya, Algeria, Ethiopia, Eritrea and everyone’s favourite holiday destination, Somalia) have all gone on the record as prepared to support the soon-to-be-announced North American Conservative Province.

After all, with everything that’s going on in Somalia at the moment, isn’t it good to see that Right Reverend Dr Mouneer Hanna Anis still has time to meddle in Western Anglicanism: some estimate that as many 80% of his communicants are refugees. Having torn himself away from his Diocese’s troubled heart to attend a meeting of ±Booby’s Anglican Relief and Development Fund in Vero, Florida, Bishop Anis was forthcoming in his support.

Naturally the fact that the gathering appears to have involved money being thrown at the faithful Primates’ ministries didn’t influence any of them in the slightest, but the whole thing has given me an idea: I wonder how much it would cost to gain the support of a few Anglican shakers and movers for a new “Province of Ichabod Springs”?

Just imagine the prestige of being able to swan around the globe as Primate of my own domain? Surely there must be lots of undiscovered Bishops still lurking in the corners of the globe who’d be delighted to enjoy a few fruits of their office in return for lending me their support. After all, nobody seems to have chased down the Archbishop of Chad yet, have they? And I must find out if the Primate of Greenland is interested in dancing girls: he could be a promising referee. Does anyone know if there’s an Archbishop of Antarctica? How about Slovenia?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

NB: Brother Richthofen - I’ll be double-checking my spelling on this post, so don’t think you can get away with changing any of Bishop Anis’ vowels after I’ve finished and then blaming the “typo” on me! Understand?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 day at Stand Firm headquarters.

Another secret conversation recorded by my contacts:


"Viagraville Headquarters - Father Matt Kennedy speaking..."

"Matt – it’s God speaking. I want to..."

"GOD!! Wow! You must be so proud of us here. We’ve reduced everything about you to just a few lines of doctrine, and we’re about to found a new province to keep all the queers out, and I’m..."

"Matt! I’m calling about your internet site.
You need to have more pictures..."

"More Pictures??! No God: we concentrate on words - they’re at the heart of our faith. That’s why people like me always have our photo taken in front of some old and impressive looking books."

"I said you need pictures!"

"But God – I’ve been in ministry a whole six years and know everything about serving you. Pictures don’t teach anyone about Jesus."

"No, that’s not right. Here’s a picture of someone very close to me – put it up at Viagraville to help people understand me better."

"Lord!! That’s not you! That’s the teh gay boy who was..."

"I know exactly who it is - he's sitting close by me as we're talking. Listen! Do you want people to know me or not?
Would you rather use a picture of this person instead?"

... Click..

"Father Matt? ... Hello?"

Monday, November 17, 2008

... and I will always love you.

and ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee will aaaaaaaawwwwwlays luuurrrrrrveee yewwwwwwwww....
Despite little Martyn's complete failure to acquire further territory for the glorious Church of Nigeria, he and Big Pete remain as close as ever. Moments after this photo was taken, the pair broke into a charming rendition of Evangelical Eric's favorite song, utterly disregarding the agonized screams arising from the assembled congregation.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. Aren't homophobes just so cute when they get all romantic and touchy-feely?

Working the old gags in England.

Whenever anyone says such-and-such a church/organisation/club/government of which they are a member “lacks leadership”, it’s almost certain that what they really mean is “the current leadership aren’t doing things my way. Similarly, whenever clergy say “this is like the Reformation” it’s a safe bet that what they’re actually saying “I want you to compare me to Martin Luther”. Not that there’s anything wrong per se with this, when it comes to generating a little self-publicity the truth is I’ve used this schtick myself to great effect on a number of occasions. It’s just that lately everyone’s been trying to use this act.

Back in the day the only person other than me working the reformation “back to the future” routine was Robert Schuller, although then he claimed God had inspired the design of his Crystal Cathedral, and everyone realized there’s no way the Holy Spirit’s spent that much time in Vegas.

Then Bishop Spong tried playing the act from the other side of the stage, but to make the “new reformation” number work successfully you can’t muck around with being warm and friendly. The people who get into all that 16th century machismo love a bully, and if you’re not threatening warfare and hellfire they just won’t start cheering. Meanwhile less testosterone-besotted members of the audience lose interest, and can’t understand why someone should think that Christianity’s golden age was a time in history when “quality family time” included taking the kiddies to see a public execution.

Now the latest clerical hoofer to try their luck at this old chestnut is little Bishop Nozey-Wally of Rochester. Since everyone knows the poor chap has never recovered from a serious bout of constipation which struck when he was passed over for the big pointy hat in Canterbury a few years back, it’s a wonder anyone takes him seriously at all. Still, played well the “next great reformation” has some life left, and since he’s working it for a crowd of evangelicals it’s not as if the audience is too discerning, as shown by a Telegraph article which the Reform faithful must be jostling to have autographed. Quite frankly, however I’m found the show disappointing. The only twist on the old script comes in a very funny one-liner: “No Church can be effective without discipline.” - a piece of impro I wouldn’t have thought old Nozey capable of.

Even funnier is the fact that none of his audience seemed to realize that anyone authoritarian enough to clamp down on ECUSA in the way that English conservative evangelicals would like would also come down on them like a ton of bricks for their own continued whining and lack of respect. And what that sort of tyrant would do to little Pete Jensen and his lay-presiding relatives doesn’t bear thinking about. At very least it would mean all the Reform evangelicals hoping it’ll soon be their turn for a nicely subsidized trip to Sydney (or maybe even a juicy post-graduate scholarship at little Pete’s famous Bible barn) could abandon that particular dream. And then where could they hope the next lot of manna might fall from – Our Lady of Walsingham, perhaps?

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

A GAFCON Mathematician.

“I would caution, though, that 100% - 7% does not equal 93%.”

Commenting on Preludium - the dreadful place where Fr. Mark Harris writes with integrity, intelligence and all the other suspect qualities that true GAFCON leaders know are irrelevant – frequent pontificator around the posts “robroy” made the above brilliant observation.

When it comes to finding an accountant for the annual parish audit I’ve always said you can’t go past a home-schooled reasserter, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn this fine lad has been working as an economic consultant to Geroge W. Isn’t it a good thing he took my advice and didn’t run with the pseudonym he initially chose: The Scarlet Pimpernel would have sounded much too effeminate over among the liberals at Viagraville.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Obscene Post.

Something Jesus made perfectly clear during those brief moments when he wasn’t condemning Sodomy, expounding upon the evils of Masturbation, or explaining why the Ordination of women is an Abomination, was that it’s a bad thing if people speak well of you - ”Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! For so did their fathers to the false prophets.”

Accordingly I have always found great comfort in being attacked and criticized by those envious of my ministry: more than anything else does their moaning confirm my own righteousness. Even better, experience has shown that the more offensive my teaching is, the higher the day’s hit-rate. The more unbelievers claim that I’ve insulted and disgusted them, the more they drop by to read my latest message from the Scriptures.

There’s nothing new in this: it’s a principle entertainers like The Jerky Boys, Carlos Mencia, and David Virtue have exploited for years. Consequently I’ve decided to really boost the readership by gratuitously presenting the following list of obscenities:

  • preventable infant mortality
  • child abuse cover-ups
  • domestic violence
  • escalating adolescent suicide rates
  • discrimination
  • unaffordable health care
  • war

How’s that for starters? Every conservative blogger on the planet should now be contacting my Bishop to complain about the bad language I’ve just used, and my hit-rate should be higher than one of those nudist sites evangelicals never like to admit they visit. After all, words don’t get any fouler than these, do they?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Kendall's Kommentators tell it Like It Is

"There is absolutely NO evidence that W’s Administration has used torture techniques on any prisoner of war or combatant."

Few things make this old doctrinal Warrior’s heart as proud as the pithy intelligence so frequently expressed by the wicked Sinners regularly commenting here, but after them the next most insightful commenters in the Christian blogosphere must surely be those at little Kendall Harmon’s place, of whom few can hope to equal the perception displayed here by “libraryjim”.

He’s absolutely correct, of course, even if people who know him testify that the only part of any library he frequents is the section where they keep the coloring books and crayons, occasionally venturing out to ask where they “keep them books what prove th’ moon landin’ was fake”. Seeing’s believing, as my dear mother always told the wardens when they suspected her of hiding contraband, and pictures like the one below prove just how foreigners assisting US forces with their enquiries are treated.

Is it any wonder that little Kendall’s readers are horrified someone would even think of demanding the next President intervenes in these touching moments? Next thing you know the Liberals will be claiming Jesus wouldn’t have supported techniques like this.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Burma: Adopting a GAFCON approach to bloggers.

Despite their being wicked godless heathen foreigners, I’ve always considered the Burmese Government a decidedly GAFCON group of gentlemen. One of my great disappointments with respect to the recent Presidential election is how the United States’ program to emulate Burma’s admirable stance on security and the right to imprison liberals indefinitely – or better still just shoot them like baby moose - is now likely to be put on hold.

The recent news that Burmese officials have imprisoned a blogger for twenty years after finding him guilty of, among other things, "creating public alarm", shows that when it comes to getting tough on the kind of scum who try to clog the internet with something more than just titties and that funny clip of the monkey drinking his own pee, the Burmese government is setting an example for us all.

Another evil lad was also sentenced for publishing a poem in a weekly magazine called “Love Journal” (no prizes for imagining what filth you can expect to find in anything by that name) in which the first words of each line spelled out the message "Senior General Than Shwe is foolish with power".

Pictured here, it’s obvious that there’s nothing at all foolish about the Senior General, and I’m sure every one of those medals was awarded for an act of bravery which really did happen. Including the big one on his lower right, which is for saving the earth from an invasion of Kryptonites from the planet Xemu. Nor is it relevant to explain that “Than Shwe” is actually Burmese for “I am deeply insecure about the size of my penis.”

Let us pray that one day we too might see this sort of “justice” dished out on those who deserve it: can you imagine a world where little David Virtue can gaol* anyone who disagrees with him? That’s the kind of place Burma is - although unlike him the Burmese realise they’re not actually Christians.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

* I understand that as Sinners many of you will be puzzled by my spelling, but because I’m a Christian I will always be proud of my Biblical heritage, and there are some things I refuse to compromise.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

... and another one heads South.

It’s a good thing the Nigerians don’t pay little Martyn Minns on a commission-only basis, since it’s been a long time since he last made a sale. With Quincy’s faithful running off to join the valiant Greg of the South, yet another potential conquest has slipped through big Pete Akinola’s munificent fingers.

Perhaps little Martyn’s failures have something to with other areas not sharing Virginia’s proud history of equal rights and opposition to racism, but the sad truth is that in the race to acquire new territory big Pete is now running a very distant second to his decidedly non-African fellow primate, and there’s no question that when it comes to controlling the new "province" which ±Booby predicts is ”very near” and “might come as early as December” Africans are going to have even less say that the Latin Americans who have supposedly nurtured the thing.

One bright side of Quincy’s slide into what one very impressive blogger calls ”The Anglican Land of Make Believe” is what I predict will be the biggest restoration to health since Lazurus (although Lazurus probably smelled better), that of the recently “retired” Bishop Ackerman, who can now run around making all the mischief he wants safe in the knowledge that as a retiree he’s safe from deposition. With cleverness like that the mind boggles at why the word on the street is that describing Quincy’s financial status as “precarious” is like saying Enron became "a little strapped for cash". All of which means the ensuing legal battle will be a good indication of how generous the latest runaways’ friends are feeling. Wonder if the self-proclaimed Emperor of Pittsburgh will toss Quincy's legal team any of the ample diocesan funds he stashed away was loaned interest-free on a basis not a matter of public record?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 10, 2008

An Inspiring Interlude from Lagos.

In contrast to all the sin we’ve been confronting these past few days I thought it would be good for us to turn our eyes instead to something more inspiring: Sunday’s leading article from Nigeria’s best-selling newspaper.

A striking witness to the decadent west, this article probably isn’t safe to read in your workplace, and anyone visiting from Virtue Online should consider themselves warned that it might well set off that habitual problem you keep praying for strength to resist. Having said that, it does show just how marvellously Archbishop Akinola has witnessed to his own hometown, and offers an exciting promise of what Virginian nightlife might someday become once little Martyn Minns has finished introducing African Christian values to apostate Episcopalians.

Enough said; the link is here. Just make sure to clean up your keyboard quickly if you get anything sticky on it. The old “I must have been eating vanilla ice cream” routine never fools anybody.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Brother Richthofen’s Prayer for IPIAD*

Almighty Lord; our Father, Mother and Redeemer:

You know the hearts and other organs of all people, and have done so long before digital cameras or even Polaroids were invented. In your infinite wisdom you have chosen to grant some of your sons an extra few inches more than others, and we pray today that all your children may come to accept this with peace, realising that not only is it not the wand, but rather the magician on the end of it. Further, we beseech that you might in your Great Mercy lead all those attempting to compensate for any longitudinal deficiencies – imaginary and otherwise - to express their dissatisfaction in a more effective manner than by espousing judgemental unchristian doctrines constantly threatening to thump whatever it they’ve got on everyone else’s altar.

In asking this we pray especially for Fr. Matt Kennedy and his fellow liberals at Stand Firm. Like bullies throughout history have always done, they are currently attacking those who have given most in your service, and who are least willing or able to fight back. Please in your mercy show them that it matters not whether a man be hung like a donkey, or endures the cruel-but-aptly-named medical condition
Micropenis, or even as a result of birth or some unfortunate accident with an angle grinder happens to have no penis whatsoever – the test by which You, Our Lord and Saviour, made clear we should be identified is one of Love, not phallic theology.

By Your Spirit grant that we might all find the freedom to rejoice in whatever each of us has been given, and in so doing get on with the more important tasks facing us all in these difficult times. And please restrain Father Christian from sending anymore scans of his own organ to Stand Firm with messages saying things like “So you want to see what this does when he’s angry, do you liberals?”. And also please don’t let Consuella find out about the
hostile sounding woman who keeps responding to Father’s emails with requests that he “come around and help a bad girl with some home schooling” or else there’ll really be trouble in the Communion.


*International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day

Saturday, November 8, 2008

My Concern for the Liberals at Stand Firm

My Dearly Beloved Wicked Evildoers – I’ve got to confess the terrible slide of Stand Firm in Faith into apostasy has left me deeply distressed. Bishop Quinine says my obsession is probably just an after effect of some of the herbal medications we’ve been experimenting with, while Consuella says something about them all just being loco y estúpido, but as a pastoral Doctrinal Warrior I just can’t help myself: Fr. Matt Kennedy’s embrace of anti-marriage liberalism deeply saddens me.

I know I should, as Bishop Clumber so helpfully pointed out, appreciate the fact that with a mere six years experience (my late-sainted mother served longer prison terms than that – a comparison to which anyone who's heard Fr. Progeny preach can well relate) that the young trouble-maker can be expected to be wetter behind his ears than a televangelist’s Jacuzzi, but when it comes to Ministry that’s no excuse! I was Ordained decades before Mass Progeny’s father was so much as begging the Matt’s mother for “just a little squeeze” after youth fellowship social evenings – as were a great many of the Clergy he’s currently criticizing. The Bible might well condemn Sodomy and wearing clothes made from cotton/polyester, but it also says a fair bit about respecting your elders, and stopping to think they might know something you don’t before bursting into an ejaculation of criticism. Although I dare say that when you’re young and your wife is driven by hostility coming from somewhere “underneath” it’s hard to not find oneself fascinated by thoughts of all the firm young men getting it on like rabbits in Vaseline, but that’s still no excuse for not getting a little more perspective on things before urging everyone else off into schism.

All of which has made me to want to dedicate this coming Sunday as a Day of Prayer for the young liberal and his foolishly deceived flock. However as Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary have been planning a big outreach service as part of St. Onuphrius’ contribution to International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day, and I’m loathe to cancel what is promising to be a most arousing event. Brother Richthofen and his friends have thoughtfully noted that Stand Firm and International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day have more in common than most of Fr. Progeny’s revisionists can admit, and so have promised to incorporate my concerns at Liberalism’s latest conquest into the day’s liturgy. I’ll share the result after tomorrow’s service…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Fr. Matt Kennedy - Anti-Marriage Liberal!

When it comes to Sodomy the whole world knows I’ll bend over forwards just as fast as the next GAFCON leader in an effort to show I mean business. Yet a sad consequence of the apostasy sweeping our Church has been a marked decline in the number of straight people wanting to get married. Which means, as any orthodox clergyman knows, a corresponding decline in the income one can make conducting weddings.

That’s why I’ve always been a strong supporter of the right for same-sex couples to marry: if the Christians don’t explore new avenues for keeping alive the sacred institution of Marriage we face the very real danger that the god-given and traditional institution of Wedding Surplice Fees might altogether disappear. That was why Bible-believing Christians were called to take a hard line on Proposition 8 - clergy need all the weddings they can get, and the “Yes” campaign was nothing more than an evil liberal plot to prevent honest churches from accessing a large and lucrative customer base.

What I find all the more disturbing is that the resulting (but temporary) victory of the “Yes” liberals hell-bent on destroying Christian ministry appears to have claimed a truly significant prize: young Fr. Kennedy of “Stand Firm” notoriety. As I’ve said before, Fr. Matt has long displayed a laissez-faire attitude to women’s ordination which you can be sure his fellow Gafconeers would rather they didn’t have to keep ignoring, but his latest rant shows the foolish lad has well and truly abandoned a Biblical view of weddings in favor of an evil liberal anti-marriage perspective. I tried to tell him he was heading down a slippery slope by letting women not wear hats, but do you think the fellow would listen? And now look at what’s happened to him…

Not only is the language of his diatribe truly vile, and littered with expressions such as “blind, ugly, disgusting rage”, but he even goes so far to call people “uneducated” and “ignorant”. What’s more, the thrust of Fr. Kennedy’s spittle is directed at a dear member of the St. Onuphrius’ online community. Now I’m not one to make jokes about a person’s speech impediment from the pulpit (unless, of course, they’ve fallen particularly behind in their tithes), but “Happy” Matt+ has been hawking up such a spray that that I’m afraid the rain (“Newcastle Sunshine”) for which the hometown of our dear MadPriest is renown has taken on a decidedly yellow-flecked appearance: this much bile hasn’t been thrown across the Atlantic since the founding fathers decided that if anyone was going to collect taxes it should be them.

Nor are the comments left by Fr. Kennedy’s appalling anti-marriage acolytes any better. Despite being intelligent people (alright, so I’m exaggerating, but most could probably count past 10 without first removing their shoes and socks), none of them seems capable of understanding that the more weddings one conducts the more people that pass through the Church doors, and thus the more people to whom one can minister. Even if one lacks the GAFCON maturity to see a packed congregation in purely monetary terms, at least one ought to be able to see the evangelistic opportunity. Surely even the genius who in response to Fr. MadPriest’s icon of St. Laika ponders “The dog portrait is apparently Laika … That the dog would be on anyone’s website is bizarre” is capable of understanding that much Surely?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

My Prophecies of an Obama Victory Fulfilled

As I’ve said all along would happen, Senator Obama has just been elected President of the United States of America. When it comes to understanding the unfolding mysteries of God’s will there’s no substitute for the solidly studying the Scriptures. People can imagine they’ve received prophesies predicting something might happen, or heard “Words of Knowledge” directly from God giving some sort of divine insight into the future, but the only sure “road-map” to world events is the Bible, and only Teachers of my insight and experience can be trusted to read this map accurately.

So despite all the criticism I’ve received during these past months for going against my the predictions of my fellow Orthodox GAFCON Christians, I’m proud to now see my unbending faith in the Bible’s clear revelation of who would win has been vindicated. Standing by the Truth mightn’t make you popular, or win you any friends, but the feeling that comes from knowing you were right all along, no matter what lies the evil one whispered in everyone else’s ears, certainly makes everything worthwhile. False teachers everywhere were claiming McCain and that dreadful woman whose name I can’t remember would win, and words can’t describe the attacks which were made upon me for daring to say otherwise, but I wouldn’t be the World’s Greatest Doctrinal Warrior if I hadn’t held fast to preaching the clear message of Scripture that Senator Obama’s powerful vision of change is God’s plan for the earth’s future. It’s not easy always being right, but God’s called me, and as a faithful servant I freely welcome His voice. And the absence of His voice I’ll faithfully lean whichever way the wind should be blowing.

There is just one question, I have, and I’d appreciate it very much if someone could please send me an answer. Just exactly who is this colored man that keeps talking about change, and whom everyone keeps cheering?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Prophesy Proclaims Palin Landslide!

Polls are closing as I write this, and a prophetic Word has just come upon me to announce that, as Bible-believing Christians have all expected, this election is going to be a landslide for Sarah Palin and the most perceptive pair of spectacles since Joseph Smith’s peep-stones gave the Mormons some wriggle-room on polygamy.

As faithful sinners will know, Gafconeers like myself are traditionally wary of gifts of prophesy, preferring to justify whatever it is we want to impose upon others by squeezing the Bible until a few verses have been sufficiently twisted to support our position. Yet recently Bishop Quinine has developed quite an interest in herbal medicine, and together we’ve begun spending our evenings researching the plants he’s picked while loitering behind the sports ground changing rooms. Remarkably this has coincided with a dramatic increase in my spirit-given visionary powers, and when it comes to speaking with divine authority this way is certainly a lot more relaxing than spending hours fishing through a concordance.

What’s more, in the future this is going to where the big money consultancy positions are. You mark my words, there’ll be no more bean-counting little neo-cons with their MBAs and masters in creative accounting running around the White House under the Palin/McCain administration. Nor will we go back to the Nancy Reagan days of astrology and examining chicken entrails: the future belongs to men in checked suits with glazed eyes and a head full of apocalyptic visions featuring dinosaurs fighting disciples in sandals, and I for one can’t wait to submit my first invoice for “policy advice”.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Not long to go now...

We’re now only looking at a matter of hours until Alaska’s sweetest hair-do and its life-support system become the new Vice President. Not only is Mac back, but he’s come with pickles and a side order of fries and I for one haven’t felt this excited since Richard Nixon gave the world a new understanding of “honesty”. Have you sinners any idea of how cheaply I’m going to be able to pick up real estate once the Republicans really get started on the economy?

Anyone not yet comprehending just how great a leader Sarah Palin will be should do no further than study this marvellous window into America’s future:

The first half is just some know-it-all waffling on about domestic violence, human rights and justice, which is to be expected from a Liberal news-source like CBS, but then comes our favourite Power-Dresser-for-Jesus, speaking with all the understanding and insight of a GAFCON leader with an honorary doctorate in selling patent medicine.

Please my dear Sinners, as you vote remember this clip and ask yourselves: “Could even Jesus Himself have stayed on message this closely?” After all, who do the American people think they are if they believe they deserve a straight answer to anything?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Identifying Terrorists with Sarah Palin

Recently a faithful Canadian reader (yes dear sinners, I understand that sounds a contradiction in terms, but it’s true) sent me an inspiring video of our next Vice President quite correctly explaining that killing and using terror to achieve one’s political objectives doesn’t automatically make the perpetrator a terrorist, especially if they come from a demographic likely to vote Republican in any of the “difficult-to-win” 50 states we’re praying for.

Unfortunately even though Vice President Palin (isn’t that a phrase which leaves Christians of any gender feeling aroused!!) gave a clear explanation of things, many of the wicked sinners not supporting her god-given destiny have reacted with alarm at this. Hopefully the following Bible-teaching will set them straight:

Picture 1: Terrorist!

Looking for any of the following tell-tale clues will help even the most feeble-minded Liberal identify a terrorist from miles away – with practice you don’t even need to see the potential perpetrator to know they’re evil incarnate:

  • Foreign appearance.
  • Beard, or some other form of unkempt facial hair.
  • Unusual clothing, often unmanly in design.
  • Unnaturally attracted to animals, or other sexually suspect creatures.
  • Dark and shifty eyes, avoids meeting an interrogator's gaze.
  • Obviously unable to speak English, or does so with a strong accent.

    Picture 2: Non-terrorist.

  • Clean shaven and well presented.
  • Spotless military record.
  • Healthy interest in firearms.
  • Honest Biblical/English name like Timothy
  • Clear gaze, makes direct eye contact.
  • Speaks the language in which God dictated the Bible.

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.