Sunday, November 9, 2008

Brother Richthofen’s Prayer for IPIAD*

Almighty Lord; our Father, Mother and Redeemer:

You know the hearts and other organs of all people, and have done so long before digital cameras or even Polaroids were invented. In your infinite wisdom you have chosen to grant some of your sons an extra few inches more than others, and we pray today that all your children may come to accept this with peace, realising that not only is it not the wand, but rather the magician on the end of it. Further, we beseech that you might in your Great Mercy lead all those attempting to compensate for any longitudinal deficiencies – imaginary and otherwise - to express their dissatisfaction in a more effective manner than by espousing judgemental unchristian doctrines constantly threatening to thump whatever it they’ve got on everyone else’s altar.

In asking this we pray especially for Fr. Matt Kennedy and his fellow liberals at Stand Firm. Like bullies throughout history have always done, they are currently attacking those who have given most in your service, and who are least willing or able to fight back. Please in your mercy show them that it matters not whether a man be hung like a donkey, or endures the cruel-but-aptly-named medical condition
Micropenis, or even as a result of birth or some unfortunate accident with an angle grinder happens to have no penis whatsoever – the test by which You, Our Lord and Saviour, made clear we should be identified is one of Love, not phallic theology.

By Your Spirit grant that we might all find the freedom to rejoice in whatever each of us has been given, and in so doing get on with the more important tasks facing us all in these difficult times. And please restrain Father Christian from sending anymore scans of his own organ to Stand Firm with messages saying things like “So you want to see what this does when he’s angry, do you liberals?”. And also please don’t let Consuella find out about the
hostile sounding woman who keeps responding to Father’s emails with requests that he “come around and help a bad girl with some home schooling” or else there’ll really be trouble in the Communion.


*International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day


Anonymous said...

Be careful about criticizing the Viagrans, Father--it turns out that your frequent visitor Fr. David Heron is one of them.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Be careful???!!! - My Dear Child: I've never been careful about anything. If you only knew how many people I've injured just carving the Sunday roast, never mind what happened when I became interested in amateur rocketry. I wouldn't be a GAFCON leader if I worried about offending anybody: it's part of the territory.

Besides, in my experience the Viagran types just love you all the more when you slap them: I dare say it saves them the expense of having to pay some rough trade to do it instead. Why, we even get members of the Jensen retinue regularly dropping by here - they'd never dare leave a comment, but the IP addresses don't lie, and there's always something sticky on their data transfer packets.

And as for that regular reader in Lambeth Palace: he hasn't seen anything if he doesn't look after a certain friend of mine up north should things turn nasty...

Anonymous said...

Oh great tiny mysterious mysteries of vida...I look forward to knowing about the width of the shallowness of it all...peace to those less fortunate than others in all that they do and don´t do...does this mean their were shortages in +San Joaquin, +Pittsburgh and +Winsey? Does this reveal more about +Ft. Worth than we ought, or care to, know?

I thought as much about +Southern Conealone but daren´t not pertrude it.

Mrs. Vilma Sinfaire
Studbaker, Idaho

Anonymous said...

True, Father, and your bold insouciance is what we love about you.

So do you think you can call down a special curse on Fr. David? Maybe one involving micropenis?

Anonymous said...

All that AND they have no sense of humor.


Anonymous said...

Leave my penis out of this

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

The only person putting your penis into anything is you, Father. When, however, that "anything" is the hornet's nest known as Stand Firm the sensation may become a little more intense than that which you normally consider pleasurable.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Bosom, it's far, far too late to afflict Mr. Heron with micropenis.