Saturday, November 1, 2008

Identifying Terrorists with Sarah Palin

Recently a faithful Canadian reader (yes dear sinners, I understand that sounds a contradiction in terms, but it’s true) sent me an inspiring video of our next Vice President quite correctly explaining that killing and using terror to achieve one’s political objectives doesn’t automatically make the perpetrator a terrorist, especially if they come from a demographic likely to vote Republican in any of the “difficult-to-win” 50 states we’re praying for.

Unfortunately even though Vice President Palin (isn’t that a phrase which leaves Christians of any gender feeling aroused!!) gave a clear explanation of things, many of the wicked sinners not supporting her god-given destiny have reacted with alarm at this. Hopefully the following Bible-teaching will set them straight:

Picture 1: Terrorist!

Looking for any of the following tell-tale clues will help even the most feeble-minded Liberal identify a terrorist from miles away – with practice you don’t even need to see the potential perpetrator to know they’re evil incarnate:

  • Foreign appearance.
  • Beard, or some other form of unkempt facial hair.
  • Unusual clothing, often unmanly in design.
  • Unnaturally attracted to animals, or other sexually suspect creatures.
  • Dark and shifty eyes, avoids meeting an interrogator's gaze.
  • Obviously unable to speak English, or does so with a strong accent.

    Picture 2: Non-terrorist.

  • Clean shaven and well presented.
  • Spotless military record.
  • Healthy interest in firearms.
  • Honest Biblical/English name like Timothy
  • Clear gaze, makes direct eye contact.
  • Speaks the language in which God dictated the Bible.

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

    June Butler said...

    Fr Christian, the phrase Vice-President Palin does not leave me aroused. Does that mean that there is something wrong with me?

    As for that clean-shaven fellow, why am I laughing at him? I must be really sick. I believe that I've been hanging out with the wrong people. I'll need your help to get back on the straight (if you know what I mean) and narrow.

    The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

    My Dear Grandmère and esteemed liberal blog celebrity: please don't express your disrespect for America's finest Christian Governor so openly - after next week this could well earn you an extended stay in Gitmo. My recommendation is you learn to do as has already become second nature for Sen. McCain: just grit your teeth, nod, and pretend none of this is happening.

    Anonymous said...

    Nothing like the eyelocking gaze of a murderous, bigoted, clean cut, heterosexual White Boy to get me infuriated...appearances are so cumbersome but I especially dislike people who pass for normal as they plot and instigate their fear and hate against others...of course, Orombi and Akinola have proven themselves to be equally deceiving and dangerous at Church...singling out and blowing away fellow human beings has never been considered spiritually sound, or even sane, no matter the color of the bigot/thief, his eyes or mitre size.

    Emerald St. David-Viviousness Regan

    PseudoPiskie said...

    The phrase Vice President Palin does get me aroused - but not the same way one of the local priests does. Palin brings fear to mind. Carol, um, well that's something else.

    Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

    Dr. Christian,
    So, the killing of Moose, wolves and persons convicted of a capital crime would not classify President Palin as a terrorist?

    Anonymous said...

    The picture of druid, Rowan Williams holding a lamb strikes most bible-believers with terror. Thank you Dr Troll for your astute analysis.

    Cany said...

    Well there are two very obvious things going on here.

    First, Palin is rapture-taken. Tim, on the other hand, well he left in an advanced mode.

    Second, one is (nevermind), and the other is Roman Catholic which, of course, just cannot be right. We know what God said, what God means, and these two just don't get it at all. Well, I should speak to one in the past so he probably does get it now.

    Forgive me for disputing your advanced knowledge. Please don't put me in lockup... again.

    Doorman-Priest said...

    Look. The Woman is the anti-christ. People don't suspect her because she has breasts!