Saturday, January 31, 2009

You need new clothes. Now.

Lately I’ve been saddened to see that a great many of you just aren’t dressing as well as you should. I realise you’ve all been very saving the Truth from complete annihilation at the hands of few incompetent Liberals without God on their side, but that’s still no excuse for letting yourself go out in public looking sloppy. Yet now there’s something you can all do about this, and I’m expecting a 100% improvement in the sartorial stakes just as soon as it takes for the solution to get delivered to your very own rectory/cathedral/squalid layperson’s shack/prison cell door.

That’s because the one and only Padre Mickey has now set about resolving this disgrace, while in the process also gathering the funds necessary to ensure that he, the Lovely Mona, and the fearsome SeƱorita Chompita (whom I still haven’t been quite able to forgive for what happened to Bunrab), can spend their Sabbatical doing something more productive than busking on street corners for spare change.

What’s more, the quality and style of their splendid new alternative to nakedness is second to none. Take for example the stunning Dance Party Golf Shirt. Now I’ve got to admit I don’t even like golf, since I’ve a certain moral reticence towards anything which involves the public insertion of objects in holes (although I am extremely partial to the design of classic golf shoes, with their spikes and funny little tassels over the laces), but this shirt could guarantee even me membership of any country club in town.

Or for reminding foolish Curates of what awaits them should they step out of line, nothing comes near the Bunrab T-shirt. At only $12 we’ve been able to afford a second one for Evangelical Eric to wear outside in the snow while we’re forcing him to wash the other.

In fact if you head over to the Dance Party Store of Love you’ll be amazed by what’s on offer, and anyone unable to purchase everything in sight has my specific permission to tickle their parish offertory plate before the treasurer counts it to obtain any necessary funds. Remember: it’s not theft if it’s for a good cause (just ask any schismatic bishop), and causes (other than my own) don’t come much better than this.

I’m Father Christian and I’m telling you to buy something.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Pragmatic Ecumencalism

Everyone knows that there can logically be only one way for an omnipotent god to reconcile himself (and God most certainly is a he - or how else could he be God?). Equally, when St. John was hiding in the bushes eavesdropping on Our Lord and Nicodemus, he was able to record verbatim the blessed moment in which it was determined once and for all that if a person doesn’t describe themselves as “born again”, and then express their rebirth by dedicating all their time, money, and sexual energy to serving a church radically opposed to everything about TEC except it’s property and name, there’d be no future for them other than Our Loving Lord’s blessed boiling Lake of Fire.

This is why Jesus also told us that light can have no fellowship with darkness. However this passage must never been taken literally in the way that, for example, we choose to exegete verses possibly revealing aspect of homosexuality in the ancient near-east, or St. Paul’s throw-away remark about women teaching. No, all that stuff about not “being unequally yoked” can be conveniently ignored just as long as the other party (a) is as threatened as we are by people with different understandings of sexuality and gender as one’s own, and (b) has lots of good stuff which we would like to get our hands on.

That’s why I’ve been so delighted to see little Matt Kennedy (it’s a safe bet he won’t be able to use the “Fr.” prefix for much longer, so we might as well start getting used to dropping it) giving thanks that he’s been able to milk the local Romans for all their worth. As every closeted Calvinist like him knows, the Vatican might be the Whore of Babylon, and Foxe’s Book of Martyrs written just yesterday, just yesterday, but let nobody ever say those slaves of a false gospel don’t have some great church properties just laying around begging to be taken. Besides, while the Roman wolves in sheep’s clothing might indeed be leading millions to damnation, there’s no denying their hierarchy hates queers (despite having even more of them in ministry than we do), and has a long tradition of keeping girl-cooties from coming anywhere near the side of the altar on which the cookie jar is kept. So there’s absolutely no reason we can’t pretend to be their friends for however long it takes to grab whatever it is we need. Sola Scripture, Fides, along with the other three none of us in the GAFCON movement can never seem to remember, might be all very well as tenets of Protestantism, but when it comes to bricks and mortar we’ve all got to be realistic.

My only concern is this: in a few years time when Rome wants their buildings back to develop a new bingo centre, or to find the money necessary to cover up something nasty involving celibate clergy and boys formerly in their care (and you can be sure that’s a topic Mr. Kennedy won’t be posting about at Viagraville for a while), what’s then going happen? Forget about litigation, I’ve read The Da Vinci Code and I know for a fact that’s not how his new friends operate. As a matter of fact it wouldn’t be in the least bit surprising if an albino in a hair shirt is already keeping an eye on things. But at least he’s straight – or so we’ll be told.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Who says the Reformers aren't relevant today?

Since I’m well aware a number of you have been amusing yourselves with one of the Jensen Family’s house-boys, who can rarely understand anything not directly attributable to somebody involved in killing Roman Catholics during the 16th century, I thought the following quote from a lad named Martin Luther seemed pertinent.

“The best way to get rid of the Devil, if you cannot kill it with the words of Holy Scripture, is to rail at and mock him. Music, too, is very good; music is hateful to him, and drives him far away.”

Who knows: by the Grace of God a few Jensen chattels might even find a thing or two explained in this brief excerpt of the reformer’s wisdom. And you don’t suppose those comments about the devil hating music could have any relevance to this, do you?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Low Roads & High Horses...

When the going gets tough the GAFCON get whinging: it’s impossible to overstate the importance of passive-aggressive complaining in the Conservative Bible-believers’ arsenal. The most impressive example of this technique that I’ve ever seen occurs in a delightful “Dear friends in Christ” email sent by the former Reverend Kevin “007” Bond Allen of St. Brendan’s Psuedo-Anglican Church in Bellingham, Washington.

I say “former” because a little while back this gallant ex-Clerk in Holy Orders decided that the Church’s acceptance of certain people in love with another person (as opposed to being love with a house plant, or garden implement?) meant God wanted him to abandon his vocation to join up with a group of local independent non-conformists, whose main distinguishing features are an apparent determination to hide the fact that they’re not actually part of the Anglican Communion, and a novel arrangement which sees them sharing premises with the local Seventh-day Adventist church – who doubtless comprise an equally orthodox Anglican congregation.

In response to such perfectly reasonable behavior his Bishop Episcopal, the Rt. Rev. Gregory Rickel, took the astonishing step of deposing our bold hero, a move Kevin 007  modestly describes as a decision to forgo the high road to instead follow the national Episcopal Church party line.

Yet despite Bishop Rickel outrageously choosing to follow the procedures, protocols and obligations of the Church he has sworn to serve, instead of taking the “high road” by ignoring these incidentals and recognizing a unique calling to unilaterally determine Episcopal doctrine and policy, Agent 007 graciously writes that he bears no animosity. Doubtless made easier by knowing that my ordination and clergy credentialing are still valid in most of the Anglican Communion - “most” that is, as long as you define “most” as being 6 out of 38 provinces (5 of which are on the same continent) and a handful of renegade Bishops. And possibly little Peter Jensen, who heads a category all his own called something like “Cromwell’s Taliban” (wonder when he’ll be inviting Layman Schofield down-under to preside at the cathedral?).

Concluding, he explains his relationship to the Episcopal Church is now “an ecumenical one”, despite his having already claimed to be mostly still ordained as an Anglican Priest. That's reassuring, since we all know how strongly Gafconeers are committed to ecumenicalism.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. Anyone who’d like to see the entire letter should just send me an email and I’ll be happy to forward a copy with formatting, headers, and recipients, removed to protect my dear sources. It's really worth seeing...

Monday, January 26, 2009

"... He came with myriads of holy ones from the south" (Deut 33:2).

My my: you would not believe how many people from Sydney dropped by in response to yesterday’s post mentioning little Pete Jensen’s imported pitchman. Naturally none of the visiting throng indentured to the Jensen Family Firm were able to leave comments, since it’s been a public holiday down there they were unable to contact their masters for permission to speak, but it was still lovely to feel their presence seeping through the intertubes like an army of “ever so ‘umble” evangelical Uriah Heeps.

Naturally those of you who have for some time sat here at my feet and gazed longingly up my cassock will understand the thrill experienced by these virgins to the exciting world of GAFCON Bible-teaching, and if and when they do find the courage to speak out I must warn you that your old Father Christian won’t be mincing any words in his reply. If people want vapid kind words of empathy they can visit David Virtue; this is a place where we tell it like it is. Besides, if someone wasn’t already conditioned to like getting belted around the head they wouldn’t hang around with little Pete and his sock-puppets in the first place.

What must be said in their defence, however, is that one only has to look at any web site about Sydney to see that the local “Anglican” Puritanism connects with the city’s heart, soul, and other body parts in a way that apostate liberals elsewhere in the world can only dream of achieving. Sure, one or two foreigners are a bit tardy when it comes to accepting what Little Pete’s family teaches about St. Paul's condemnation of the world to everlasting damnation, but it’s not as if these unbelievers live in the Christian parts of town, so they’re not really worth worrying about and probably can’t even be considered human in an evangelical sense of the word. No, the Archbishop of Sydney is doing such a great job that it’s no wonder he’s now establishing franchises in everyone else’s Province, Diocese and Parish: I’d be surprised if there’s so much as single lost sheep left in his own field.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

David Ould and the Agenda of Death

If I’ve posted it here once I’ve posted it fifty billion times: what I admire most about my faithful conservative GAFCON imitators is that they never exaggerate. That’s why little Peter Jensen’s official envoy to Viagraville so impressed me with the title of his latest piece “Obama’s agenda of death begins”.

This considered and well balanced piece, which can also be found at Viagraville where, if the number of comments is any indication, the author is much more popular than he is on his own site, highlights the new President’s outrageous decision to reverse George W. Whatshisname’s ban on funding foreign family planning agencies giving information about abortion, or which shockingly even go so far as to provide women with access to medically-supervised abortions in safe and hygienic environments.

As a male professional Gafconeer living and working in one of the most yuppified parts of a country which is (as long as you’re white) among the world’s wealthiest and most peaceful, little Pete’s spruiker is amply qualified to make decisions on behalf of unwillingly pregnant African women. Indeed, while reading his stirring condemnation of those lowering themselves to actually care for such ladies one can’t help recalling Our Lord’s words in Matthew 23:4 as He addressed an earlier group of fine upper-middle class men committed to Biblical inerrancy and social purity.

After all, if women in the third world want access to the same options as those in west they should think more carefully before choosing to be born in god-forsaken poverty-stricken corners of the globe. How dare they presume that just because they’re pregnant, with no support, no future, and no hope, that they have some sort of right to make the same choices, care, and facilities as women in countries where everyone understands the importance of a 3 hour bible study on a few verses from Romans? If a coat hanger and an agonising slow death from septicaemia was good enough for our mother’s generation why should impoverished foreigners expect anything better?

No, there’s clearly an agenda of death at work here, and I’m proud to be standing alongside those opposed to it. Besides, everyone knows that what the third world needs more than anything else is more unwanted children.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Who needs an ex-cheerful ministry anyway?

During yesterday’s parish staff meeting, at some point on the agenda between the Chablis and a particularly memorable Shiraz, Evangelical Eric brought to everyone’s attention an article titled Freedom from Homosexuality. It appears that our foolish Curate has grown concerned about the number of “those sort of men” attending St. Onuphrius’, and wishes to introduce the “ex-Gay” ministry promoted within the effluvious advertorial he chanced upon while searching for whatever it is that odious evangelicals look for when accessing the internet.

My initial reaction was to question the profitability of such a venture. I don’t believe St. Onuphrius’ has any more potential victims for this sort of program than anywhere else: certainly just over one in every ten of our men is unmarried and dances extraordinarily well, our monthly Barbra Streisand evenings are always popular, and nobody here ever has to look far to find professional advice when it comes to personal grooming and interior decoration, but in my experience that’s nothing out of the ordinary in any Anglican congregation. As far as I can see it’s certainly not as if we’re Nashotah House or anything when it comes to having a high percentage of gentlemen with alternate inclinations.

Brother Richthofen, on the other hand, opposed the proposal on other rather curious grounds: he felt ministries like this one are inherently exploitive and unethical, and can play no part in a genuinely Christian parish program. Naturally I disagreed with him; being exploitive and unethical is at the very core of the GAFCON movement – just ask little Greg Venables. Furthermore I’ve always been of the opinion that “gay conversion counseling” is no less ethical than transplanting hair, multi-level marketing herbal slimming products, or selling Florida swamp-land to gullible retirees.

In the end Bishop Quinine decided the matter for us. Reading the article closely he noticed the author’s name. Evangelical Eric called us immature, but the rest of us found the notion of an ex-Gay conversion scam being shilled by someone called Charlie Butts simply too funny for the meeting to continue. Brother Richthofen called his friends from Seminary, Consuella's Pole-Dancers Fellowship joined us, and together we’re still all partying in celebration of being by Grace the people whom God made us to be. Life is too precious to waste it trying to force people to become things they’re not, especially when you come from a family of butts.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Where does one begin?

"Can anyone explain the Bush hatred syndrone? I just do not understand."
Commenter #4 at Viagraville

Sometimes, very occasionally, one of them comes out with something that leaves me lost for words. Without them having the slightest idea of what they said that's so funny.

I'm Father Christian and I'm rolling on the floor with laughter.

(... and yes, the spelling mistake is in the original.)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

What a day!

Sweet Sarah Palin called me on Inauguration Day morning: she’d been crying inconsolably for the past several hours and needed a little confidential pastoral support before going out to tie an Obama mask onto a passing moose and blow it to kingdom come. Curiously enough I have it on good authority that John McCain spent the day in much the same way, although in his case the moose was forced to wear a Sarah Palin mask.

In contrast I was pleased to see Stand Firm resolutely refused to mention anything concerning this auspicious occasion. Ignoring all the carry on in that godless liberal’s hornet’s nest called Washington, they ran with the stories that matter to the future of the Communion: things like teenagers using their phones to take and send dirty pictures of themselves, prosperity preachers finding their income has fallen just the same as every other entertainers, and a couple of undoubtedly liberal English clergy leaving their spouses for each other.

This just goes to show how the folks at Viagraville really have been learning from their righteous old Father Christian, and dear me it makes my heart proud. Finally they’re listening when I say that if God doesn’t deliver what you’ve been petitioning Him for (obviously as a result of Him having been led astray by the prayers of Liberals, Apostates, and other Reprobates) one should simply go silent on the topic, and distract your congregation by drawing their attention to the speck of sawdust in somebody else’s eye.

No, my dear evildoers, Fr. Mass Progeny et al may well be a little too insecure to give me due credit, but it’s as plain as day that they’ve been paying close attention to my counsel, and it’s surely only a matter of time before we see their diligence bear fruit. As a matter of fact, Brother Richthofen and his friends from Seminary were only just the other day saying that they think hiding in the pantry at Stand Firm are lots of fruits, and more than a few bears as well. Although maybe, on reflection, they were talking about the closet, not the pantry: I forget which. Either way – in keeping with the spirit of these exciting times you can always be sure that there’s something for everyone here.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Can we do it? YES WE CAN!

From its inception the GAFCON movement has always been particularly directed towards those entirely devoid of common sense: few people are as easily separated from their money as the arrogant and foolish. That’s why I’ve long paid close attention to Hal Turner and his Aryan Brotherhod friends.

Never mind that the original Aryans were Indian, and looked more like the heroes in Slumdog Millionaire than the hammy thespians of Birth of a Nation, facts have always been something just a little too complicated for Klansmen and their sympathizers, and it’s this very trait that makes them such fertile soil for fundraising. Indeed, we constructed an entire wing of the St. Onuphrius’ rectory with the results of a transaction that involved buying some surplus talcum powder very cheaply at auction and marketing it on to a few of Hal Turner’s supporters as “Lavender Scented Anthrax Spores: (I had to find a way of explaining the fragrance, since you know the first thing the idiots who fall for something like that will do is sniff it themselves to see if the “Anthrax Protection Pills” that I’d also sold them work). Consequently I must stress how much compassion I have for White Supremacists at what is undoubtedly a very difficult time for them: the inauguration of America’s first African-American President. Like some other Biblical heroes whose name escapes me (it wasn't the Pharisees by any chance?) they see, but they don't understand.

Indeed, after reading Hal’s Wile E. Coyote inspired dream of disrupting the inauguration I realized the extent to which Anglican Conservatives have been hitherto ignoring the slime at the bottom of fundamentalism’s cesspit. Granted, while we’ve had Big Pete and all his Africans running around it’s been a little difficult to exploit this group of the deservingly gullible, but now ±Duncan’s bringing everything back home where it belongs this problem's been solved. What’s more, instead of blaming everything from extra toes to their wife’s kleptomania on the Bishop of New Hampshire, Conservatives are soon going to be once again firmly placing responsibility on the President – only this time he’s black, which will happily unite in hatred those comprising the Communion’s intellectual and spiritual sludge.

In response I can only predict great days ahead, and happily join in this new wave of global optimism. You should just see how orders for my “Acme Giant Human Slingshot” are up: we must have shipped dozens to Fairfax Virginia alone.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Concerning a non-existent "mistake...

It seems that in yesterday’s homily there may have been an apparent discrepancy of absolutely no consequence, which a few (probably apostate) readers noticed and felt compelled to draw to my attention.

Naturally I already knew about this possibly factual incongruity long before they mentioned it, and any clarification which may have been made subsequent to my reading their comments was entirely unrelated to any potential numerical divergence which they might have falsely believed they were drawing to my attention.

None of which is to say that I am so perfect that I never make mistakes, or am entirely without errors. Infallibility is a wicked papal superstition with which can play no part in the faith of genuine Bible-believing Christians: rather it is simply that as the World’s most anointed Doctrine Warrior I am never wrong. Indeed, here at St. Onuphrius’ I encourage people to speak up if I make any perceived mistakes: it’s a fine way to tell if someone’s paying attention, as well as making it decisively clear which parishioners need to be publically humiliated in the coming month’s preaching schedule.

In this instance the issue in question was a mere triviality - in what was clearly a minor typographical blemish the Pure, Self-Righteous & Schismatic Diocese of Pittsburgh was listed as actually having managed to steal 56 parishes out of a claimed 64, when everyone not home-schooled by evangelicals knows that 64 less 18 is actually 46. As those of you not destined for the fires of hell will know full well, the factual intention of my words was perfectly clear irrespective of any petty calculative inconsistency. Although you will have to agree that 46 out of 70 makes things look even worse for little Bobby and his team of yes-men.

In fact the more I dwell upon this trifling digital divergence the more it it illustrates the purity of my own dear heart’s faithfulness to GAFCON principles. “Never let the truth get in the way of presenting your self-certainty as more successful than everyone else’s doubts, struggles and yearnings” – if that’s doesn’t summarize everything this schism is fighting for then I don’t know what does. Next time I’m asked how many parishes have gone with ±Duncan you can forget about any nit-picking: I’m simply going to say “all of them”. Just like I'm sure he does, or how Big Pete says Nigeria is a land rich in the fruits of Christian faithfulness, Layman Schofield says sexuality is a choice, and little Pete says his congregations are growing.*

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

(*Not to mention Fr. Mass Progeny's hilarious claim that his tail-whipping was "a blessed answer to prayer" - who needs tequila and nitrous oxide when that one-liner is doing the rounds! :-)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pittsbugh: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

If the Good Lord had intended Christians of my calibre to drink cheap champagne he wouldn’t have permitted the local liquor store to sell Bollinger. Consequently while a young seminarian I was obliged to subsidise my meagre allowance by operating as a an unlicensed off-course bookmaker service, and so profitable did this little venture prove that the resulting passion for laying odds and fiddling the numbers has stayed with me ever since.

Consequently while thinking about Pittsburgh, and little Bobby Duncan, it suddenly occurred that there might be something to be gained by having a close look at the figures flying around in that particular corner of the Communion.

I started out by looking at the schismatics’ “parish finder” which paints a very rosy picture indeed: according to this some 66 parishes have aligned themselves with the most impressive set of eyebrows ever discovered outside of an entomologist’s specimen case.

On closer examination I noticed that one of ±Booby’s “parishes” is actually a network of house-churches that ceased to exist last December. Another is not so much a parish as a “missional church community”, and while I’ve no idea either what that really means, it’s a safe guess to presume they probably don’t contribute too much to the diocese by way of annual assessments. Which leaves 64 out of approximately 70 congregations; still no mean portfolio by anyone’s standards.

Yet going to those parishes’ individual web sites and that of the continuing Episcopalian Diocese of Pittsburgh showed a very different story. A full 18 of Layman Duncan’s 64 scalps don’t seem to have any idea that they’ve realigned, and actually remain safely within the old apostate TEC.

This paints a very different picture. Certainly at 46 to 24 ±Booby still holds a majority of almost two-thirds, but it's by no means what one might call “complete control”, and he can hardly be blamed for trying to inflate the figures a little in an impressive example of GAFCON “evangelasticity”.

Not that this is the first time we’ve caught our dear old Pittsburgh Pirate telling fibs on the internet; who can ever forget his delightfully audacious claim that Rick Warren’s quasi-Baptist Saddleback tithing-machine is actually Anglican??!! Dear me, didn’t we all laugh till the tears rolled down our cheeks over that one!

However something about this latest effort to bolster appearances so early in the race smells suspicious to my old bookmaker’s nose, and I can't help thinking I can detect a vague hunt of desperation in these claims. My hunch is that irrespective of the prices currently on offer, the chances of little Bobby Duncan coming home a winner are far from certain. Sure the talk may be strong, and around the traps you might be able to get good odds, but, as the strappers say in the stables when they think nobody’s listening, the goods are odd.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Do you really want to hurt me?

Back in the days when Boy George was a fine upstanding heterosexual Christian lad, I remember being quite taken with pleasingly melodic tune of his called Time.

Sadly however, after having been ensnared by the terrible temptations of abominable hot sweaty man-on-man full-body contact, Boy George is now serving a different sort of time for falsely imprisoning and assaulting a sex worker. Which just goes to show that those of us who said the first steps society took towards providing equal rights for homosexuals were nothing more than a slippery slope from which there would no escape really weren’t the nasty ranting idiots we appeared.

At the time, when homosexuals impudently started asserting they have the same rights to love, marriage, and worship as anyone else, I tried to tell people that if we weren’t careful homosexuals would soon be doing all the same things as heterosexuals (as well as those who aren’t really straight, but simply live a lie in silence), but do you think anyone would listen? No: for having the courage to warn bigots everywhere that things heterosexuals take for granted would soon be also embraced by those shunned as “different” I was mocked and derided by people now being forced to eat their words.

Yet now we can witness the last straw – the sight of our world having reached the point where homosexuals have embraced the time honored straight-male practice of getting busted for beating up sex workers. What’s more, this son of perdition didn’t just do a half hearted job of it, and get himself a fine or suspended sentence. Oh no! He actually managed to receive a full 15 months imprisonment: the kind of sentence which makes any red-blooded footballer or boxer proud. Not even clergy can often attain that kind of result.

The next thing you know gays, lesbians and transsexuals will be achieving the same levels of domestic violence and child abuse as that of which god-fearing GAFCON-sanctioned straight couples can proudly boast. Gangs of gently spoken women in sensible shoes and their “friends” will roam the streets at night, making life unsafe for men like me as we quietly go about our business. Hairdressers and interior decorators will rev their cars at traffic lights, yelling abuse and generally intimidating decent homophobes who simply ask for the right to live unmolested. If only people had listened…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Disgrace of Binghamton

If the truth be told, my dear wicked sinners, these past few weeks have seen me rendered speechless with shock at events in the little god-fearing (as opposed to almighty god-fearing) parish of the Good Shepherd in Binghamton, New York. Not of course, that I was in any way disturbed by the court failing to sanction an attempt by a few deluded Donatists to steal diocesan property; even Fr. Matt Kennedy couldn’t have been stupid enough to think they had a snowflake’s chance in that place where just about everyone except myself will be spending eternity of winning that one.

No, the cause of my distress is in a statement released by the leadership of the parish, which not only shamelessly claims God has answered our prayers but also attempts to dismiss the rout by theologizing we must remember what we know about God, what He has revealed about His character”!

For the life of me, I can’t believe this nonsense was penned by little Mass Progeny, since with a full six years of ministry experience under his belt he obviously knows everything that can be known about ministry and the scriptures, and could never come with anything as foolish as this. Consequently I can only draw the unhappy conclusion that the document is the work of laypersons of the same competence as the former parish lawyers, possibly working under the influence of some spell conjured up by Hostilium.

Firstly, every orthodox Gafconeer knows that when faced with a setback one must always respond with an attack. Never admit that God’s answered your prayers by whacking you across the face as hard as He possibly can: the proper response for a man of little Matt’s stature is to blame everything on the Bishop of New Hampshire. Nor should any belligerent Bible-believer ever concede that a major setback (let alone a complete squashing) reveals anything about God’s character: doing that could well lead people to draw the obvious conclusion that, like everyone else, God thinks you’re whiny homophobic bigot hell-bent on re-establishing Pharisaism as a major religious movement, and has decided to do something about you before things get too out of hand.

Honestly, with this kind of leadership I truly despair for the future of the schism. Just when there was a marvelous opportunity to blame everyone from +Robinson to +Tutu for the rise of liberalism and decline of good old-fashioned court-sanctioned property theft, the shining star of Viagraville turned and gave the forces of reason and accountability a free kick. Why – this could’ve even been held up as an example of the moral decay that has resulted in Obama’s election: what can be happening when the courts no longer side with a few self-appointed custodians of public sexuality trying to snare a paltry $600,000 and a few buildings? Yet after spinning so much wonderful hyperbole in the past, North America’s leading religious passive-aggressives have gone and let us all down by meekly letting slip the truth that what God really wants is for Anglican schismatics to just quietly shut up, stop trying to take what doesn't belong to them, and go off to do things their own way, with their own money. If this kind of behaviour catches on we’re all really in trouble.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

J. Mark Brewer – Last Year’s Man

Choosing Mr. GAFCON 2008 hasn’t been an easy task, given that pompous self-righteousness hasn’t been this popular since Boniface VIII proclaimed that it “is absolutely necessary for salvation that every human creature be subject to the Roman pontiff.”

Yet one man has clearly stood apart from the crowd, making him the obvious choice. No, he’s not an Anglican, but that didn’t stop countless others from attaining GAFCON distinction in 2008 (just look at Archbishop Jensen). Nor is he even a clergyman (ditto, and add little John-David Schofield), and despite his protestations to the contrary he’s certainly not a Christian book-seller (just as any former SPCK employee), but there’s no denying J. Mark Brewer has during the past year plumbed new depths when it comes to applying GAFCON ethics to everyday life.

Not only did Mark manage to embrace financial ruin at least six months ahead of the rest of the world, but in managing to extract at least £750,000 in management charges from the murdered SPCK cadaver displayed an initiative worthy of one of 2008’s other brightest stars, Bernie Madoff.

Yet Mr. Brewer’s financial acumen is only the start of a long list of reasons he is so worthy of accolade. Not only did he display the compassion and restraint of such a luminary as L. Ron Hubbard in the zeal with which he threatened action against those questioning his right to do what ever the hell he wanted to, nor only did he display the charming narcissism of an Akinola or a Duncan in asking – on the eve of a former employee’s memorial service – if those hurt by what the Brewer’s had done to SPCK were “feeling elated”, but he even showed no qualms about misleading the court in the course of attempting to wriggle out of paying such irritating trivialities as staff entitlements.

No, 2008 proved J. Mark Brewer almost as great a Christian minister as he is bankruptcy lawyer, and the fact that a United States Bankruptcy Judge ordered him to undergo further training (including a course in ethical behaviour) should in now way be construed as an indication of anything tantamount to incompetence or dishonesty in Mark’s character. Just ask Houston voters about his integrity back in 2000 - and this was before St. Stephen the Great gave him a vision for asset stripping ministering through English religious bookshops.

There’s no doubt we’ll see a great deal more of J. Mark Brewer on the internet in the coming year, even if he is wearing an orange jumpsuit and advertising for pen-pals (”Hi: my hobbies include sending SLAPP suits, defrauding the UK Commissioner of Charities, and claiming I’m being persecuted by bloggers.)” For those who can’t wait until then to hear more from Mr. GAFCON 2008, however, this site is always good for the latest details concerning our hero.

Otherwise, if you're really eager to draw nearer to the brains behind the SPCK fiasco, I’m proud to present the ultimate opportunity: Mark’s firm Brewer & Pritchard are currently recruiting, and online applications are being accepted here. Clearly having little or no understanding of the law is no drawback, and this coming Sunday I’ll be encouraging my entire congregation to apply. In fact, since the application invites candidates to send a sample of their writing, I may well even have a shot myself. Does everyone think this post will be sufficient? I’ve always fancied my self as a lawyer ever since seeing those unisex toilets in Ally McBeal.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Another Year, Another Schism (Best Wishes to Everyone)

Godless Sinners hoping for salvation around the globe will be delighted to learn that after a week of deep spiritual meditation (aka “blind alcohol-induced daze”) I am indeed now back for another year’s important service as the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher and Doctrinal Warrior. What’s more I’m delighted to announce that here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re celebrating the New Year in a truly GAFCON way – by aligning ourselves with yet another Anglican schism.

That’s right: just when you thought the Communion couldn’t possibly spit any further comes the greatest breakaway of the all: The True Anglican Communion. A shining example of the Church’s future, TAC combines Biblical Literalism with shoddy theology, bigotry, misogyny and sheer stupidity in a way that many in the fight for Anglicanism have only dreamed of achieving.

Granted, I’m going to have to be a little circumspect in my support for their Biblical treatment of women during certain times of the month, since Consuella has informed in no uncertain terms that if I try enforcing TAC’s Scripture-based injunction that “she shall be put apart seven days” she’ll see to it that I’m kicked so hard in the place that the KJV so tastefully describes as “the stones” that according to TAC exegesis I’ll have to forget about my own vocation, but fortunately there’s a wealth of other material on which to base a campaign against my fellow Anglicans.

I’m particularly grateful to The True Anglican Communion for having brought to my attention the disobedience inherent in lawns consisting of more than one type of grass, and as I write this Bishop Quinine and Brother Richthofen are preparing to roam the neighborhood armed with large bottles of Roundup and letters claiming they’re members of the local Assemblies of God should any disgruntled gardeners happen to catch them in the course of their ministry.

Indeed: I’m particularly proud of the way our church is starting off the year by embracing yet another group of malcontented Conservative Anglican renegades, and I urge all of you to follow our divisive example and visit the Most Reverend and Right Honourable Phineas Angus Rody (True Archbisbishop of Canterbury) to support his marvelous new ministry of discordance.

While you’re at it, please also accept my wishes that you and all whom you hold dear (or at any rate, whom you hold) have a blessed, healthy and prosperous New Year. What’s more, may you further grow in wisdom as throughout the coming year you continue coming here to “honour the face of the old man” (Leviticus 19:32). And may all your steps be taken with care lest someone from Inland Revenue be guided by Satan to thwart your progress.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.