Thursday, December 25, 2008

"God bless Us, Every One!" (and a very Merry Christmas to you all)

My Dearly Beloved Wicked Godless Sinners:
Goodness me I've been through a spot of bother for my righteousness' sake! As you've all been well aware and crying in your ignorance, I've been lately unable to communicate due to the small inconvenience of having been imprisoned and refused bail, but fortunately this glorious Christmas Day now finds me released from my chains and incarcerated no longer.

As is so often the case with such things, it was all the result of a small misunderstanding on the part of apostate liberals. There I was, at our traditional end-of-year children's service distributing gifts of cigarettes, knives, and (for the older ones) ammunition, when a number of servants of the Evil One (also known as "Child Protection Officers") intervened, dragging me away to face their accusations and what the legal system quaintly calls "charges".

Yes, such are the depths to which our reprobate society has plummeted that such playthings are now deemed off-limits to little ones, and distributing the merry baubles which my dear late father referred to as "Darwin's Little Helpers" carries a sentence of twenty years to life. Further, ever since Michael Jackson gave the expression "Jesus Juice" a bad name teaching kiddies to do something as wholesome as how to construct and operate their own still is now a serious offence, and permitting children under ten to enjoy their first sips of absinthe or tequila within the caring context of the Sunday Children's fellowship can leave one sharing a cell with someone named "Bubba" who thinks dropping the soap while the warden hoses us is just as romantic as soft music and a candlelight dinner.

To be fair, Evangelical Eric did try to tell me times had changed, and that we were inviting trouble, but his alternative that we give the kiddies Bibles instead was so manifestly foolish that I must confess he was dismissed out of hand. After all, have any of you seen what's in that thing? Sure parts such as Judges and Leviticus are fine, and Bishop Quinine has experienced some marvellous hallucinations while reading the Revelation to St. John, but how can any of them grow up talking about the thing all the time if they've begun by reading it while just children? And all that stuff about loving one's neighbour - without a single proviso about your neighbour's sexuality, religion or gender? It's all very well for Jesus to generalise, but clearly He didn't find himself living next door to a couple of lesbian Wiccans. Nor did they have key-hole cameras back in those day to capture what such people get up to when they think nobody's watching - do you realise that these alternatives dare to cook and do housework just the same as everyone else unable to afford a ministry team? They don't even have the temerity to live in a non-stop orgy as GAFCON clergy teach they do!! Although I must confess to having kept my fellow inmates entertained these past few weeks by recounting a few fictitious observations - a gift which enabled me to quickly seize control of the prison's entire contraband cigarette economy.

However, just as St. Peter was freed from prison and all good times must come to an end, so too have I now been released, with the charges against me dropped and all paperwork conveniently lost - although sadly I was unable to attain a truly Biblical outcome and achieve my wardens' execution. Nor, unlike St.Peter, can I really claim to have followed an angel to the exit, although in a marvellous example of promotional initiative Consuella and the girls did meet me in their performance costumes, which will do wonders for the takings at our Friday night pole-dancing service: you'd better believe the fellows watching us through the bars will be dreaming about St. Onuphrius every night until they get parole. What's more Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary have made so many friends while visiting me that they'll be conducting regular chapel services from now on - who'd have thought how popular bible-study could become by incorporating bare chests, weightlifting and just a little bit of steam?

Unfortunately I can't say much more about the circumstances of my release, partly because it's unbecoming to boast of the Lord's goodness to me, but also because the people we've bribed would probably prefer a little discretion on my part. Let's just close the door on this little chapter by saying that if anyone finds me praying at the Presidential Inaugural Invocation then you'll know I really am the most opportunistic clergyman in history, but until then...

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

(And a very Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you. Don't forget to give you dogs, cats, partners, goldfish, children, axolotls, and tax accountant a big sloppy Christmas kiss from me. Or, as big Pete, Akinola would have us all wish each other:
Season's Greetings!!!)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"The manna stopped the day after..." (Joshua 5:12)

Carried ever so faintly upon the breeze this morning was a strange keening sound: the cry of a Mercedes dealer somewhere in Nigeria wailing. Turning my head in a slightly different direction brought a different lament: that of a Ugandan property developer heartbroken at learning plans for an impressive diocesan mansion and “ministry complex” had been cancelled.

In fact all through the rest of today I could hear songs of misery arising from the far-flung corners of the GAFCON empire: the kind of deep grief only heard when snouts are being wrenched from the trough, and I can’t deny than an uneasiness began developing in my wise and righteous spirit.

Finally now all has just now been revealed to me in a missive from an inmate of the charming concentration camp known as Sydney Anglicanism. It seems the world’s recent economic unpleasantries have not so much touched little Peter Jensen’s domain as beaten it about the head with a stick.

Naturally little Peter’s serfs and relatives are doing all they can to keep this a secret, but the world’s richest diocese is about to start auctioning off the silverware after losing a paltry $68 million (Yes, you read that amount correctly, and No, there’s not going to be any punch line involving somebody’s late husband and the need to confidentially transfer it out of an Ivory Coast bank) in the kind of transactions for which Lehman Brothers shall go down in history.

What’s more, the impeccably-bred evangelical investment advisor responsible for the Jensen family-firm's decision to invest heavily in such sure-things as the U.S. sub-prime market appears to have been summarily relocated to “other ministry areas”, which is normally a subtle code for work involving the mining of salt, or locating land-mines with a bicycle pump and a few lengths of elastic.

All of which means, of course, that the rain of Sydney-scented manna which has thus far fallen upon the global faithful is about to dry up for good. Little Pete’s bond-servants (or “clergy” as they’re known elsewhere) have been told to forget about any additional funding in the coming year, and to instead prepare themselves for a big increase in future franchise fees parish assessments. Meanwhile a certain former son of Sydney now causing much mischief in Canada reportedly found a recent trip to drum up funding for his forthcoming legal battle to retain parish property far less rewarding than he had hoped, and doubtless more than a few lawyers for ACNE (or whatever the new not-a-province is called) will also find the well a lot shallower than they’d been led to believe. And what’s the bet Big Pete Akinola starts spending a lot less time at the pointy end of a plane?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Things are Worse than We Thought.

I’ve just finished reading Rev. Dr. Simons' State of the Diocese Report, which was delivered to the people of Pittsburgh this past weekend, and quite frankly I’m beyond being furious – I’m positively worried.

Everyone knows that the future of Anglicanism depends upon bigoted statements of breathtaking stupidity, naïve platitudes with no relationship to reality, and pompous self-righteous rhetoric. Just look at any GAFCON press release. Yet instead of any of these we see a balanced and empathetic analysis which is clearly the product of much thought and, dare I say it, a genuine understanding and respect for the Scriptures.

With people like Fr. Simons in the Church, Pittsburgh is in deeper trouble than any of us could have imagined – not only is he a scientist as well as a clergyman, but I suspect he even earned his doctorate by research and hard work. If compassion and reason of this magnitude are allowed to guide the Communion’s way forward we really do face a terrible future.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Everyone needs more than one interest.

It's a little known fact that ++Cantaur finds his part-time job with a very different kind of church much more enjoyable.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Blame Bush, not Prayer

When it comes to praying, Bible-believers should understand that if you get what you asked for it’s always proof of God’s omnipotent power, as well as of your own unquestionable faith and righteousness - no matter how trivial your request.

If, on the other hand, nothing happens, the normal course of action is to piously mumble something about “obedience to our Father’s will” and never again breathe a word about the matter. Which is how many of my fellow-but-weaker Bible-believers have responded to last November’s election result.

Yet I believe it’s time for Faithful Christians to seize the upper hand in these matters. After all, why should the Liberals be the only ones enjoying the thrill of gloating? Sure we didn’t get what we hoped for – a vice-president who could have single-handedly saved the economy by selling nude pictures of themselves to Southern Baptists – but that’s still no reason to keep silent when opportunities to flaunt the superiority of our beliefs come begging.

Take for example George W. Bush’s latest pronouncement that “the Bible is probably not literally true”. Clearly the self-described “simple president” has given up trying to woo the Bible-belt. (which is perfectly understandable to anyone who’s ever tried to invite some of them around to the Rectory for a friendly evening of cards and porno movies), but I can’t for the life of me understand why everyone whose prayers for a Republican victory weren’t answered sn’t gleefully jumping up and down and pointing their fingers in blame at the cause of their requests having been denied.

Surely it’s obvious? The faithful were deceived by a party which had allowed the seed of unbelief to take root. Nothing was our fault, and there was certainly nothing wrong with Miss. Moose Maiden. God simply wouldn’t bless our grits because there were weevils in the cornflower. It was all their fault. Queers and Liberals are to blame once again. But together we’ve cleaned up and made a whole new start for Jesus with God’s mighty help. So please everyone, get behind us on this and….

See how simple it is to spin things one’s own way even if God didn’t exactly make it start raining cookies like you asked him to? Even more wonderful is how many people fall for this old routine no matter how many times they’ve heard it. Mark my words, you’ll be hearing it a lot more in about three-and-a-half years time.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Season's Greetings (Happy Holidays!)

The more times I read Big Pete’s Sunday Tribune interview, the more I appreciate his deep understanding of what really matters in this world. I’m particularly impressed with his tirade against inappropriate Christmas cards:
“As a matter of fact, I saw a card with the inscription, season greetings, and I said what season? Winter season or rainy season? If we are celebrating Christmas, then we are celebrating Christmas season, not any other season but the birth of the Christ.”
He’s absolutely correct of course: Christmas is the season of Christ: a time to mouth platitudes like “peace on earth and goodwill to all” which are, of course, completely irrelevant at any other time of the year. It’s a time to deck the halls with boughs of Holly (although this year both our parishioners named Holly fled town in late November, and so we’ve been forced to decorate the halls with Terri-Lea, LaFawnda, and a very handsome body-builder called “Blade”); to kiss strangers under the mistletoe (as well as to convince them that we really do have a part of our bodies called the mistletoe “down there”); and to purchase large and expensive presents for our Rector (are you paying attention Evangelical Eric????!!!).

It’s also a season for Holidays, since only pagans, Liberals, and Evangelical Curates work over Christmas. That’s why, as Archbishop and Esteemed Saviour of Christians Everywhere Akinola is so correct in being angry at people sending cards which say only “Seasons Greetings”. These fail to mention the whole point of the season, which is for virtuous men like myself and him to have a holiday. This Christmas I hope all of you will heed his message closely, and like me only send cards bearing the salutation “Happy Holidays”. In fact why not send Big Pete a card like that yourself: his address is: Archbishop's Palace , PO Box 212 ADCP , Abuja , NIGERIA. I am, and I know he’d love to hear from you also: I can already feel a warm glow from knowing how much he’ll appreciate receiving this greeting from all around the world, and anyone wanting to especially bless him can do much worse than follow the splendid suggestion from Nom de Plume on Thinking Anglicans and “include a request for bank information so he can receive the $150,000,000 left him by his long-lost gay uncle in America”. I’ve no doubt Akinola will be delighted to see how the decadent west has already learned so much from his province’s example.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Big Pete Speaks!

It’s a well known fact that nobody – not even little Martyn Minns - loves Big Pete Akinola as much as he loves himself, which makes me think that this marvellously sycophant interview with GAFCON’s number one son is actually the best example of multiple personality disorder since that Sally Field’s movie. Either that, or Big Pete’s holding some journalist’s sister as a hostage.

The piece was kindly brought to my attention by a commenter on an earlier post about Nigerian Faithfulness , and doesn’t it show our lad from Lagos eager to keep on the bearded fellow in Canterbury’s good side? And isn’t it reassuring to hear from the horse’s mouth that In this whole struggle, nothing is built around the person of Akinola” ? Even if he is unable to stop talking about himself at any point of the interview (and on more than one occasion deigns to refer to himself in the third person) – he’s absolutely correct: it’s built around a hatred of people who find themselves loving a person of the same physical gender

What really excites me, however, is the faithfulness with which Big Pete keeps his eyes of the little matter of people in his own country beating the stuffing out of each other in what Liberals continue calling a “bloodbath”, and instead steadfastly focuses on the speck in everyone else’s eye. As he rightly emphasizes, only one in twenty-five British Anglicans regularly attend church, and in the light of an outrage like that how dare anyone nit-pick about civil war, rampant corruption, and wholesale murder! If there’s one thing I’ve always said about GAFCON, it’s that we represent a return to Biblical priorities – albeit the ones found in the Book of Judges, or those advocated by the Pharisees.

At which point I’ll have to leave things for now: Big Pete’s talk about thousands being “so glued to this whole perversion” gave us here at St. Onuphrius a few interesting ideas to research, and Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary have just returned from the hardware store with a caulking gun and an exciting new vision for parish bonding. What I must say in passing, however, is that I fail to see what all the fuss is about one of Big Pete’s Bishop’s having once been confronted by a lion in the middle of the road. I myself was once eaten by a bear in the middle of a night-club, and must say that – doubtless due to my own superior piety - I found the experience most illuminating.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Even back then...

“He wears his faith but as the fashion of his hat.”
Much Ado about Nothing, Act 1 Scene 1

I’d never realised they had politicians like George W. Bush in Shakespeare’s day.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Old Fashioned Nigerian Faithfulness.

Regular Nigeria watchers will be well aware that Christians and Muslims have once again been demonstrating the compassion and forgiveness of their respective traditions by killing each other. The causes behind this latest outburst of what Liberals pejoratively term “violence” are complex, but one can rest assured that leading Bible-teachers are at this moment working on finding a way of linking it back to western homosexuality and a certain Bishop in New Hampshire

In the face of this obvious by-product of western immorality, it’s been particularly heartened to see that Big Pete Akinola has not jumped on the bandwagon of Bible-deniers falling over themselves in the rush to condemn what is clearly just a case of honest Christians standing up for themselves and the gospel. While African news site This Day reports that the Pope, leading Nigerian politicians, the Supreme Council for Islamic Affairs in Nigeria, and even the National President of Nigerian Baptists, have all spoken out against the violence, little Martyn Minns and his “special” big friend appear to have remained steadfastly silent, and certainly haven’t received a mention in any of the weekend’s African newspapers.

Which is how it should be – what possible fellowship can the light of Anglicanism’s future have with the likes of those speaking out against a little good old fashioned sectarianism? Whoever it was who said something about “Blessed are the peacemakers” certainly isn’t on the GAFCON Primates Council, nor do I recall them presenting an address to the faithful in Jerusalem this year. So I can’t for the life of me see why anyone should even suggest it could be relevant to a situation like this.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Once upon a time in Schismland...

As the Scriptures teach, there really is nothing new under the sun, and the excitement about a possible new “parallel” Anglican Province of the Pure is making me think it’s time for everyone to sit down and have a little lesson in history. More specifically, people need to remember that all this happened once before, 70 years ago in South Africa.

Like the present dispute, the South African schism had festered for many years before finally coming to a head, although in this case the object of seething self-righteous anger was not those with the temerity to insist that God is capable of accepting those who live and love as God made them to do, but rather that other time-honoured scourge of Calvinist children everywhere – Anglo-Catholics.

After a couple of legal tiffs over property in 1932 & 1936, which left the score one-all in the battle to decide who actually owned all the real estate, the Archbishop of Sydney Australia decided to lend a hand – is everyone beginning to see a pattern here? Naturally with WW2 looming the rest of the Communion was a little preoccupied with more disturbing events, and in 1938 the result was a water-tight constitution for the evangelical escapees, who now had a new church recognised by nobody in the world except itself and Sydney.

The introduction of apartheid in 1948 saw the proud schismatics - who now called themselves “The Church of England in South Africa” (CESA), - grow further away from their sacerdotalist brethren, the Church of the Province of Southern Africa (now the Anglican Church of Southern Africa), who remained in communion with Canterbury. The appointment of Desmond Tutu as Bishop of Cape Town in the 1980s really brought CESA’s difference into stark contrast: unlike the wicked godless Liberals of the CPSA, the CESA leadership diligently obeyed the law concerning racially-mixed gatherings, and today shamelessly explain they “were only following orders”.

Which is, of course, not to say CESA ever actively supported apartheid. As their web site says: segregation along racial lines was never a policy of the Church but was the practice as a result of language, cultural and geographic differences. That’s quite right – the colored folk simply lived in the poor parts of town that no good white family would dream of visiting, and because the two races were so different it made perfect sense for them to keep separate, particularly given that the law said they should. Less well known is the fact that CESA leadership were physically unable to speak out against apartheid because God had made their hearts out of chickenshit.

All of which is enough background for now, my dear sinners. In the coming week I’ll expound further upon the many implications this precedent has for our own age: never forget that those who fail to learn from the mistakes of the past are compelled to repeat them – or at least end up looking as silly as ±Booby Duncan.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Bishop Venables - Mr. Evangelism

Yesterday I touched on one of my favourite subjects: evangelism. Let’s face it, there’s no way anyone can feverishly burn though new-comers and their bank accounts enthusiasm year after year without an effective evangelistic program – just ask Nicky Gumbel.

That’s why I’m such a huge fan of Archbishop Gregory Venables: if there’s one thing he and his Southern Cone have shown dying Apostate Liberal churches how to do, it’s Local Evangelism.. In a Province with a population of almost 95 million people ( not including “missionary” zones in third world communities like San Joaquin, Pittsburgh, or Fort Worth) our little Greg has managed to see a stunning 22,000 sinners repent of whatever it is people down there believe in.

Just take a moment to think about that - Twenty-two thousand. That’s almost as many people as are right this very moment watching the Tierra del Fuego shopping channel (”… you’re right Pedro, we also never thought we needed a refrigerator, but with bargains like this there’s no need for our ice to ever get left out in the wind again…”). The reappraisers can say what they like about the Southern Cone, but there’s no denying that the most faithful province in history has managed to reach about .021% of their population for Jesus. If that isn’t cause to get excited about the future then I don’t know what is. And the figures look even better if you start working out the percentage of North American clergy they’ve converted.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Rev. Armstrong's Outreach Opportunity

As my dear old colleague and friend Rev. Wango Nimblenuts mentioned in the comments on my previous post, The Doubtfully Reverend Don Armstrong has just been raided by more than 20 police in a raid which saw computers and financial records seized as part of the on-going investigation into little Donny’s creative usage of parish resources.

Now I’ve never made any secret of my admiration for a man who’s displayed some of the most innovative Christian financial acumen since Robert Schuller discovered how to join the words “crystal” and “cathedral”, but on this occasion I simply can’t hide my disappointment at the lack of imagination my fellow Conservatives are showing in their responses to this unfortunate incident.

Over at Viagraville the general strategy has been to claim it’s all the work of an evil conspiracy: while the Liberals commenting at Stand Firm show a touching naivety that a crueller man than me would find side-splitting, they also exemplify their kind’s utter refusal to engage in the most important task of all: EVANGELISM!!!

Here at St. Onuphrius’ the early days of my Ministry saw us raided countless times – but because the matter was handled appropriately - as an evangelical opportunity – everything was soon swept under the carpet where it belongs. How my heart wishes that lesser Christian leaders than myself might learn to similarly seize what are in reality golden opportunities to creatively spin a little good publicity!

The first thing Rev. Armstrong should have done was to make a public statement - from the street corner if necessary – claiming that was actually taking place was a local Police outreach service. He should then have announced a spectacular number of conversions to Jesus among the local constabulary, featuring a few lurid conversion stories concerning some of the better known (and preferably Baptist or Roman) Officers, in which lavish praise is heaped upon these men and the sincerity of their new-found faith.

By doing this one’s critics are effectively silenced from the start: anytime the raid is mentioned you can easily take the moral high-ground and accuse the speaker of slandering a mighty move of God – it wasn’t a raid but an outbreak of revival. In the process remember to never be shy about reminding naysayers of what happens to those who dare blaspheme against the Holy Spirit. At the same time you can be confident the Police won’t speak out to correctt you: no cop worth his doughnuts is going to stand up and say “No, I wasn’t repenting of all the evil in my life”; they’ll keep close-mouthed about the whole thing for fear of what you might say next.

Then the next step is to generously reward those officers who participated in the investigation, and the golden rule at this point is a simple one: don’t be stingy. Fr. Don is alleged to have snaffled over $400,000: in a case like this a responsible GAFCON leader should have squirreled away at least 10% for just such an occasion as this. After all, every business has its overheads, and effective Ministry involves paying the relevant commissions. $40,000 split between the 20 police would have made a nice little pre-Christmas bonus for each of them, and with a haul like that Fr. Armstrong could have easily afforded to throw in a few lap-dancers serving drinks and canapés to the investigators. Then he’d have only needed to capture proceedings on a few hidden cameras and the hearts, souls and other less honourable organs of the boys in blue would be his – why do you think I have so many senior police in my own congregation? My preaching’s undoubtedly good – but not that good. Or for that matter, why do you think we don’t hear more about these sorts of scandals occurring in Nigeria, Uganda or Sydney? Hmmm?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Thought for the Day

"The less we know about hygene, the less we are predisposed to sickness"
Mary Baker Eddy
Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures

She really would have made a marvelous reasserting Anglican...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Time for a song...

It's all getting more and more like a musical-hall melodrama. Now little Jack Iker's been shown the door through which he should have passed long ago, and the usual chorus members are wailing like foolish virgins.

In contrast I think that in time's like this it's much better to join in a song, and what could be more appropriate than Gilbert & Sullivan? Especially as when I saw the picture below one piece simply threw itself into mind:

Three little maids from school are we
Pert as a Bishop well can be
Sacked from our episcopacy
Three little maids from school

Everything is a source of fun
Nobody's safe, for we care for none
Life is a joke that's just begun
Three little maids from school

Three little maids who, all unwary
Reject what we learned in seminary
In favour of our own genius tutelary
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

One little maid went South – what fun!
Two little maids in attendance run
Three little maids is the total sum
Three little maids from school

From three little maids give two the sack
The third little maid better watch his back
+KJS is on the attack
Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school!

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible

PS. Those of you unfamiliar with the original because you were home-schooled, were`raised by Baptists, or share genetic material with a member of the Jensen family, can find it here. A word of warning, however, to anyone from Nashotah House - following the link will cause you to stumble.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Anglican Heavyweights Pledge Support (Psst: Got any cheap Bishops?)

I’m delighted to hear that the Archbishops of Kenya, Ghana and a fascinating confection known as the “Diocese of Egypt with North Africa and the Horn of Africa” –(somewhere incorporating such famous hallmarks of Christian stability as Libya, Algeria, Ethiopia, Eritrea and everyone’s favourite holiday destination, Somalia) have all gone on the record as prepared to support the soon-to-be-announced North American Conservative Province.

After all, with everything that’s going on in Somalia at the moment, isn’t it good to see that Right Reverend Dr Mouneer Hanna Anis still has time to meddle in Western Anglicanism: some estimate that as many 80% of his communicants are refugees. Having torn himself away from his Diocese’s troubled heart to attend a meeting of ±Booby’s Anglican Relief and Development Fund in Vero, Florida, Bishop Anis was forthcoming in his support.

Naturally the fact that the gathering appears to have involved money being thrown at the faithful Primates’ ministries didn’t influence any of them in the slightest, but the whole thing has given me an idea: I wonder how much it would cost to gain the support of a few Anglican shakers and movers for a new “Province of Ichabod Springs”?

Just imagine the prestige of being able to swan around the globe as Primate of my own domain? Surely there must be lots of undiscovered Bishops still lurking in the corners of the globe who’d be delighted to enjoy a few fruits of their office in return for lending me their support. After all, nobody seems to have chased down the Archbishop of Chad yet, have they? And I must find out if the Primate of Greenland is interested in dancing girls: he could be a promising referee. Does anyone know if there’s an Archbishop of Antarctica? How about Slovenia?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

NB: Brother Richthofen - I’ll be double-checking my spelling on this post, so don’t think you can get away with changing any of Bishop Anis’ vowels after I’ve finished and then blaming the “typo” on me! Understand?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 day at Stand Firm headquarters.

Another secret conversation recorded by my contacts:


"Viagraville Headquarters - Father Matt Kennedy speaking..."

"Matt – it’s God speaking. I want to..."

"GOD!! Wow! You must be so proud of us here. We’ve reduced everything about you to just a few lines of doctrine, and we’re about to found a new province to keep all the queers out, and I’m..."

"Matt! I’m calling about your internet site.
You need to have more pictures..."

"More Pictures??! No God: we concentrate on words - they’re at the heart of our faith. That’s why people like me always have our photo taken in front of some old and impressive looking books."

"I said you need pictures!"

"But God – I’ve been in ministry a whole six years and know everything about serving you. Pictures don’t teach anyone about Jesus."

"No, that’s not right. Here’s a picture of someone very close to me – put it up at Viagraville to help people understand me better."

"Lord!! That’s not you! That’s the teh gay boy who was..."

"I know exactly who it is - he's sitting close by me as we're talking. Listen! Do you want people to know me or not?
Would you rather use a picture of this person instead?"

... Click..

"Father Matt? ... Hello?"

Monday, November 17, 2008

... and I will always love you.

and ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee will aaaaaaaawwwwwlays luuurrrrrrveee yewwwwwwwww....
Despite little Martyn's complete failure to acquire further territory for the glorious Church of Nigeria, he and Big Pete remain as close as ever. Moments after this photo was taken, the pair broke into a charming rendition of Evangelical Eric's favorite song, utterly disregarding the agonized screams arising from the assembled congregation.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. Aren't homophobes just so cute when they get all romantic and touchy-feely?

Working the old gags in England.

Whenever anyone says such-and-such a church/organisation/club/government of which they are a member “lacks leadership”, it’s almost certain that what they really mean is “the current leadership aren’t doing things my way. Similarly, whenever clergy say “this is like the Reformation” it’s a safe bet that what they’re actually saying “I want you to compare me to Martin Luther”. Not that there’s anything wrong per se with this, when it comes to generating a little self-publicity the truth is I’ve used this schtick myself to great effect on a number of occasions. It’s just that lately everyone’s been trying to use this act.

Back in the day the only person other than me working the reformation “back to the future” routine was Robert Schuller, although then he claimed God had inspired the design of his Crystal Cathedral, and everyone realized there’s no way the Holy Spirit’s spent that much time in Vegas.

Then Bishop Spong tried playing the act from the other side of the stage, but to make the “new reformation” number work successfully you can’t muck around with being warm and friendly. The people who get into all that 16th century machismo love a bully, and if you’re not threatening warfare and hellfire they just won’t start cheering. Meanwhile less testosterone-besotted members of the audience lose interest, and can’t understand why someone should think that Christianity’s golden age was a time in history when “quality family time” included taking the kiddies to see a public execution.

Now the latest clerical hoofer to try their luck at this old chestnut is little Bishop Nozey-Wally of Rochester. Since everyone knows the poor chap has never recovered from a serious bout of constipation which struck when he was passed over for the big pointy hat in Canterbury a few years back, it’s a wonder anyone takes him seriously at all. Still, played well the “next great reformation” has some life left, and since he’s working it for a crowd of evangelicals it’s not as if the audience is too discerning, as shown by a Telegraph article which the Reform faithful must be jostling to have autographed. Quite frankly, however I’m found the show disappointing. The only twist on the old script comes in a very funny one-liner: “No Church can be effective without discipline.” - a piece of impro I wouldn’t have thought old Nozey capable of.

Even funnier is the fact that none of his audience seemed to realize that anyone authoritarian enough to clamp down on ECUSA in the way that English conservative evangelicals would like would also come down on them like a ton of bricks for their own continued whining and lack of respect. And what that sort of tyrant would do to little Pete Jensen and his lay-presiding relatives doesn’t bear thinking about. At very least it would mean all the Reform evangelicals hoping it’ll soon be their turn for a nicely subsidized trip to Sydney (or maybe even a juicy post-graduate scholarship at little Pete’s famous Bible barn) could abandon that particular dream. And then where could they hope the next lot of manna might fall from – Our Lady of Walsingham, perhaps?

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

A GAFCON Mathematician.

“I would caution, though, that 100% - 7% does not equal 93%.”

Commenting on Preludium - the dreadful place where Fr. Mark Harris writes with integrity, intelligence and all the other suspect qualities that true GAFCON leaders know are irrelevant – frequent pontificator around the posts “robroy” made the above brilliant observation.

When it comes to finding an accountant for the annual parish audit I’ve always said you can’t go past a home-schooled reasserter, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn this fine lad has been working as an economic consultant to Geroge W. Isn’t it a good thing he took my advice and didn’t run with the pseudonym he initially chose: The Scarlet Pimpernel would have sounded much too effeminate over among the liberals at Viagraville.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Obscene Post.

Something Jesus made perfectly clear during those brief moments when he wasn’t condemning Sodomy, expounding upon the evils of Masturbation, or explaining why the Ordination of women is an Abomination, was that it’s a bad thing if people speak well of you - ”Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! For so did their fathers to the false prophets.”

Accordingly I have always found great comfort in being attacked and criticized by those envious of my ministry: more than anything else does their moaning confirm my own righteousness. Even better, experience has shown that the more offensive my teaching is, the higher the day’s hit-rate. The more unbelievers claim that I’ve insulted and disgusted them, the more they drop by to read my latest message from the Scriptures.

There’s nothing new in this: it’s a principle entertainers like The Jerky Boys, Carlos Mencia, and David Virtue have exploited for years. Consequently I’ve decided to really boost the readership by gratuitously presenting the following list of obscenities:

  • preventable infant mortality
  • child abuse cover-ups
  • domestic violence
  • escalating adolescent suicide rates
  • discrimination
  • unaffordable health care
  • war

How’s that for starters? Every conservative blogger on the planet should now be contacting my Bishop to complain about the bad language I’ve just used, and my hit-rate should be higher than one of those nudist sites evangelicals never like to admit they visit. After all, words don’t get any fouler than these, do they?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Kendall's Kommentators tell it Like It Is

"There is absolutely NO evidence that W’s Administration has used torture techniques on any prisoner of war or combatant."

Few things make this old doctrinal Warrior’s heart as proud as the pithy intelligence so frequently expressed by the wicked Sinners regularly commenting here, but after them the next most insightful commenters in the Christian blogosphere must surely be those at little Kendall Harmon’s place, of whom few can hope to equal the perception displayed here by “libraryjim”.

He’s absolutely correct, of course, even if people who know him testify that the only part of any library he frequents is the section where they keep the coloring books and crayons, occasionally venturing out to ask where they “keep them books what prove th’ moon landin’ was fake”. Seeing’s believing, as my dear mother always told the wardens when they suspected her of hiding contraband, and pictures like the one below prove just how foreigners assisting US forces with their enquiries are treated.

Is it any wonder that little Kendall’s readers are horrified someone would even think of demanding the next President intervenes in these touching moments? Next thing you know the Liberals will be claiming Jesus wouldn’t have supported techniques like this.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Burma: Adopting a GAFCON approach to bloggers.

Despite their being wicked godless heathen foreigners, I’ve always considered the Burmese Government a decidedly GAFCON group of gentlemen. One of my great disappointments with respect to the recent Presidential election is how the United States’ program to emulate Burma’s admirable stance on security and the right to imprison liberals indefinitely – or better still just shoot them like baby moose - is now likely to be put on hold.

The recent news that Burmese officials have imprisoned a blogger for twenty years after finding him guilty of, among other things, "creating public alarm", shows that when it comes to getting tough on the kind of scum who try to clog the internet with something more than just titties and that funny clip of the monkey drinking his own pee, the Burmese government is setting an example for us all.

Another evil lad was also sentenced for publishing a poem in a weekly magazine called “Love Journal” (no prizes for imagining what filth you can expect to find in anything by that name) in which the first words of each line spelled out the message "Senior General Than Shwe is foolish with power".

Pictured here, it’s obvious that there’s nothing at all foolish about the Senior General, and I’m sure every one of those medals was awarded for an act of bravery which really did happen. Including the big one on his lower right, which is for saving the earth from an invasion of Kryptonites from the planet Xemu. Nor is it relevant to explain that “Than Shwe” is actually Burmese for “I am deeply insecure about the size of my penis.”

Let us pray that one day we too might see this sort of “justice” dished out on those who deserve it: can you imagine a world where little David Virtue can gaol* anyone who disagrees with him? That’s the kind of place Burma is - although unlike him the Burmese realise they’re not actually Christians.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

* I understand that as Sinners many of you will be puzzled by my spelling, but because I’m a Christian I will always be proud of my Biblical heritage, and there are some things I refuse to compromise.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

... and another one heads South.

It’s a good thing the Nigerians don’t pay little Martyn Minns on a commission-only basis, since it’s been a long time since he last made a sale. With Quincy’s faithful running off to join the valiant Greg of the South, yet another potential conquest has slipped through big Pete Akinola’s munificent fingers.

Perhaps little Martyn’s failures have something to with other areas not sharing Virginia’s proud history of equal rights and opposition to racism, but the sad truth is that in the race to acquire new territory big Pete is now running a very distant second to his decidedly non-African fellow primate, and there’s no question that when it comes to controlling the new "province" which ±Booby predicts is ”very near” and “might come as early as December” Africans are going to have even less say that the Latin Americans who have supposedly nurtured the thing.

One bright side of Quincy’s slide into what one very impressive blogger calls ”The Anglican Land of Make Believe” is what I predict will be the biggest restoration to health since Lazurus (although Lazurus probably smelled better), that of the recently “retired” Bishop Ackerman, who can now run around making all the mischief he wants safe in the knowledge that as a retiree he’s safe from deposition. With cleverness like that the mind boggles at why the word on the street is that describing Quincy’s financial status as “precarious” is like saying Enron became "a little strapped for cash". All of which means the ensuing legal battle will be a good indication of how generous the latest runaways’ friends are feeling. Wonder if the self-proclaimed Emperor of Pittsburgh will toss Quincy's legal team any of the ample diocesan funds he stashed away was loaned interest-free on a basis not a matter of public record?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 10, 2008

An Inspiring Interlude from Lagos.

In contrast to all the sin we’ve been confronting these past few days I thought it would be good for us to turn our eyes instead to something more inspiring: Sunday’s leading article from Nigeria’s best-selling newspaper.

A striking witness to the decadent west, this article probably isn’t safe to read in your workplace, and anyone visiting from Virtue Online should consider themselves warned that it might well set off that habitual problem you keep praying for strength to resist. Having said that, it does show just how marvellously Archbishop Akinola has witnessed to his own hometown, and offers an exciting promise of what Virginian nightlife might someday become once little Martyn Minns has finished introducing African Christian values to apostate Episcopalians.

Enough said; the link is here. Just make sure to clean up your keyboard quickly if you get anything sticky on it. The old “I must have been eating vanilla ice cream” routine never fools anybody.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Brother Richthofen’s Prayer for IPIAD*

Almighty Lord; our Father, Mother and Redeemer:

You know the hearts and other organs of all people, and have done so long before digital cameras or even Polaroids were invented. In your infinite wisdom you have chosen to grant some of your sons an extra few inches more than others, and we pray today that all your children may come to accept this with peace, realising that not only is it not the wand, but rather the magician on the end of it. Further, we beseech that you might in your Great Mercy lead all those attempting to compensate for any longitudinal deficiencies – imaginary and otherwise - to express their dissatisfaction in a more effective manner than by espousing judgemental unchristian doctrines constantly threatening to thump whatever it they’ve got on everyone else’s altar.

In asking this we pray especially for Fr. Matt Kennedy and his fellow liberals at Stand Firm. Like bullies throughout history have always done, they are currently attacking those who have given most in your service, and who are least willing or able to fight back. Please in your mercy show them that it matters not whether a man be hung like a donkey, or endures the cruel-but-aptly-named medical condition
Micropenis, or even as a result of birth or some unfortunate accident with an angle grinder happens to have no penis whatsoever – the test by which You, Our Lord and Saviour, made clear we should be identified is one of Love, not phallic theology.

By Your Spirit grant that we might all find the freedom to rejoice in whatever each of us has been given, and in so doing get on with the more important tasks facing us all in these difficult times. And please restrain Father Christian from sending anymore scans of his own organ to Stand Firm with messages saying things like “So you want to see what this does when he’s angry, do you liberals?”. And also please don’t let Consuella find out about the
hostile sounding woman who keeps responding to Father’s emails with requests that he “come around and help a bad girl with some home schooling” or else there’ll really be trouble in the Communion.


*International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day

Saturday, November 8, 2008

My Concern for the Liberals at Stand Firm

My Dearly Beloved Wicked Evildoers – I’ve got to confess the terrible slide of Stand Firm in Faith into apostasy has left me deeply distressed. Bishop Quinine says my obsession is probably just an after effect of some of the herbal medications we’ve been experimenting with, while Consuella says something about them all just being loco y estúpido, but as a pastoral Doctrinal Warrior I just can’t help myself: Fr. Matt Kennedy’s embrace of anti-marriage liberalism deeply saddens me.

I know I should, as Bishop Clumber so helpfully pointed out, appreciate the fact that with a mere six years experience (my late-sainted mother served longer prison terms than that – a comparison to which anyone who's heard Fr. Progeny preach can well relate) that the young trouble-maker can be expected to be wetter behind his ears than a televangelist’s Jacuzzi, but when it comes to Ministry that’s no excuse! I was Ordained decades before Mass Progeny’s father was so much as begging the Matt’s mother for “just a little squeeze” after youth fellowship social evenings – as were a great many of the Clergy he’s currently criticizing. The Bible might well condemn Sodomy and wearing clothes made from cotton/polyester, but it also says a fair bit about respecting your elders, and stopping to think they might know something you don’t before bursting into an ejaculation of criticism. Although I dare say that when you’re young and your wife is driven by hostility coming from somewhere “underneath” it’s hard to not find oneself fascinated by thoughts of all the firm young men getting it on like rabbits in Vaseline, but that’s still no excuse for not getting a little more perspective on things before urging everyone else off into schism.

All of which has made me to want to dedicate this coming Sunday as a Day of Prayer for the young liberal and his foolishly deceived flock. However as Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary have been planning a big outreach service as part of St. Onuphrius’ contribution to International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day, and I’m loathe to cancel what is promising to be a most arousing event. Brother Richthofen and his friends have thoughtfully noted that Stand Firm and International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day have more in common than most of Fr. Progeny’s revisionists can admit, and so have promised to incorporate my concerns at Liberalism’s latest conquest into the day’s liturgy. I’ll share the result after tomorrow’s service…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Fr. Matt Kennedy - Anti-Marriage Liberal!

When it comes to Sodomy the whole world knows I’ll bend over forwards just as fast as the next GAFCON leader in an effort to show I mean business. Yet a sad consequence of the apostasy sweeping our Church has been a marked decline in the number of straight people wanting to get married. Which means, as any orthodox clergyman knows, a corresponding decline in the income one can make conducting weddings.

That’s why I’ve always been a strong supporter of the right for same-sex couples to marry: if the Christians don’t explore new avenues for keeping alive the sacred institution of Marriage we face the very real danger that the god-given and traditional institution of Wedding Surplice Fees might altogether disappear. That was why Bible-believing Christians were called to take a hard line on Proposition 8 - clergy need all the weddings they can get, and the “Yes” campaign was nothing more than an evil liberal plot to prevent honest churches from accessing a large and lucrative customer base.

What I find all the more disturbing is that the resulting (but temporary) victory of the “Yes” liberals hell-bent on destroying Christian ministry appears to have claimed a truly significant prize: young Fr. Kennedy of “Stand Firm” notoriety. As I’ve said before, Fr. Matt has long displayed a laissez-faire attitude to women’s ordination which you can be sure his fellow Gafconeers would rather they didn’t have to keep ignoring, but his latest rant shows the foolish lad has well and truly abandoned a Biblical view of weddings in favor of an evil liberal anti-marriage perspective. I tried to tell him he was heading down a slippery slope by letting women not wear hats, but do you think the fellow would listen? And now look at what’s happened to him…

Not only is the language of his diatribe truly vile, and littered with expressions such as “blind, ugly, disgusting rage”, but he even goes so far to call people “uneducated” and “ignorant”. What’s more, the thrust of Fr. Kennedy’s spittle is directed at a dear member of the St. Onuphrius’ online community. Now I’m not one to make jokes about a person’s speech impediment from the pulpit (unless, of course, they’ve fallen particularly behind in their tithes), but “Happy” Matt+ has been hawking up such a spray that that I’m afraid the rain (“Newcastle Sunshine”) for which the hometown of our dear MadPriest is renown has taken on a decidedly yellow-flecked appearance: this much bile hasn’t been thrown across the Atlantic since the founding fathers decided that if anyone was going to collect taxes it should be them.

Nor are the comments left by Fr. Kennedy’s appalling anti-marriage acolytes any better. Despite being intelligent people (alright, so I’m exaggerating, but most could probably count past 10 without first removing their shoes and socks), none of them seems capable of understanding that the more weddings one conducts the more people that pass through the Church doors, and thus the more people to whom one can minister. Even if one lacks the GAFCON maturity to see a packed congregation in purely monetary terms, at least one ought to be able to see the evangelistic opportunity. Surely even the genius who in response to Fr. MadPriest’s icon of St. Laika ponders “The dog portrait is apparently Laika … That the dog would be on anyone’s website is bizarre” is capable of understanding that much Surely?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

My Prophecies of an Obama Victory Fulfilled

As I’ve said all along would happen, Senator Obama has just been elected President of the United States of America. When it comes to understanding the unfolding mysteries of God’s will there’s no substitute for the solidly studying the Scriptures. People can imagine they’ve received prophesies predicting something might happen, or heard “Words of Knowledge” directly from God giving some sort of divine insight into the future, but the only sure “road-map” to world events is the Bible, and only Teachers of my insight and experience can be trusted to read this map accurately.

So despite all the criticism I’ve received during these past months for going against my the predictions of my fellow Orthodox GAFCON Christians, I’m proud to now see my unbending faith in the Bible’s clear revelation of who would win has been vindicated. Standing by the Truth mightn’t make you popular, or win you any friends, but the feeling that comes from knowing you were right all along, no matter what lies the evil one whispered in everyone else’s ears, certainly makes everything worthwhile. False teachers everywhere were claiming McCain and that dreadful woman whose name I can’t remember would win, and words can’t describe the attacks which were made upon me for daring to say otherwise, but I wouldn’t be the World’s Greatest Doctrinal Warrior if I hadn’t held fast to preaching the clear message of Scripture that Senator Obama’s powerful vision of change is God’s plan for the earth’s future. It’s not easy always being right, but God’s called me, and as a faithful servant I freely welcome His voice. And the absence of His voice I’ll faithfully lean whichever way the wind should be blowing.

There is just one question, I have, and I’d appreciate it very much if someone could please send me an answer. Just exactly who is this colored man that keeps talking about change, and whom everyone keeps cheering?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Prophesy Proclaims Palin Landslide!

Polls are closing as I write this, and a prophetic Word has just come upon me to announce that, as Bible-believing Christians have all expected, this election is going to be a landslide for Sarah Palin and the most perceptive pair of spectacles since Joseph Smith’s peep-stones gave the Mormons some wriggle-room on polygamy.

As faithful sinners will know, Gafconeers like myself are traditionally wary of gifts of prophesy, preferring to justify whatever it is we want to impose upon others by squeezing the Bible until a few verses have been sufficiently twisted to support our position. Yet recently Bishop Quinine has developed quite an interest in herbal medicine, and together we’ve begun spending our evenings researching the plants he’s picked while loitering behind the sports ground changing rooms. Remarkably this has coincided with a dramatic increase in my spirit-given visionary powers, and when it comes to speaking with divine authority this way is certainly a lot more relaxing than spending hours fishing through a concordance.

What’s more, in the future this is going to where the big money consultancy positions are. You mark my words, there’ll be no more bean-counting little neo-cons with their MBAs and masters in creative accounting running around the White House under the Palin/McCain administration. Nor will we go back to the Nancy Reagan days of astrology and examining chicken entrails: the future belongs to men in checked suits with glazed eyes and a head full of apocalyptic visions featuring dinosaurs fighting disciples in sandals, and I for one can’t wait to submit my first invoice for “policy advice”.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Not long to go now...

We’re now only looking at a matter of hours until Alaska’s sweetest hair-do and its life-support system become the new Vice President. Not only is Mac back, but he’s come with pickles and a side order of fries and I for one haven’t felt this excited since Richard Nixon gave the world a new understanding of “honesty”. Have you sinners any idea of how cheaply I’m going to be able to pick up real estate once the Republicans really get started on the economy?

Anyone not yet comprehending just how great a leader Sarah Palin will be should do no further than study this marvellous window into America’s future:

The first half is just some know-it-all waffling on about domestic violence, human rights and justice, which is to be expected from a Liberal news-source like CBS, but then comes our favourite Power-Dresser-for-Jesus, speaking with all the understanding and insight of a GAFCON leader with an honorary doctorate in selling patent medicine.

Please my dear Sinners, as you vote remember this clip and ask yourselves: “Could even Jesus Himself have stayed on message this closely?” After all, who do the American people think they are if they believe they deserve a straight answer to anything?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Identifying Terrorists with Sarah Palin

Recently a faithful Canadian reader (yes dear sinners, I understand that sounds a contradiction in terms, but it’s true) sent me an inspiring video of our next Vice President quite correctly explaining that killing and using terror to achieve one’s political objectives doesn’t automatically make the perpetrator a terrorist, especially if they come from a demographic likely to vote Republican in any of the “difficult-to-win” 50 states we’re praying for.

Unfortunately even though Vice President Palin (isn’t that a phrase which leaves Christians of any gender feeling aroused!!) gave a clear explanation of things, many of the wicked sinners not supporting her god-given destiny have reacted with alarm at this. Hopefully the following Bible-teaching will set them straight:

Picture 1: Terrorist!

Looking for any of the following tell-tale clues will help even the most feeble-minded Liberal identify a terrorist from miles away – with practice you don’t even need to see the potential perpetrator to know they’re evil incarnate:

  • Foreign appearance.
  • Beard, or some other form of unkempt facial hair.
  • Unusual clothing, often unmanly in design.
  • Unnaturally attracted to animals, or other sexually suspect creatures.
  • Dark and shifty eyes, avoids meeting an interrogator's gaze.
  • Obviously unable to speak English, or does so with a strong accent.

    Picture 2: Non-terrorist.

  • Clean shaven and well presented.
  • Spotless military record.
  • Healthy interest in firearms.
  • Honest Biblical/English name like Timothy
  • Clear gaze, makes direct eye contact.
  • Speaks the language in which God dictated the Bible.

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
  • Friday, October 31, 2008

    When -Bobby met ++Rowie

    In the wake of former Pirate of Pittsburgh Bobby Duncan’s meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury the esteemed Bishop Clumber sent a note asking if I had any inside information on what was actually said.

    Naturally it just so happens that my extensive contacts extend deep into the very heart of Lambeth Palace itself, and what follows was captured by my top-secret hidden GAFCON recording devices:

    Your Grace – we need to talk…

    Of course my son.
    What splendid eyebrows you have!

    Err… thank you my Lord. Now, have you heard what that terrible woman has done to me…?

    How do you fertilize them?
    I use chicken manure on mine.

    Uhmm... Your Grace... simply because I said we wouldn’t play with her any more she’s had me thrown off the team, and now…

    Of course they say that any type of dung works well.

    Please Archbishop! The liberals and gays have taken away my big pointy hat! They say I’m no longer the Great Grand Poobah of Pitts…

    And I once met an old woman in the forest who sold me a jar of Unicorn’s Urine. Oh, the sheen and lustre that came from washing them in that!


    You know my dear Robert, I’d been told that yours weren’t real eyebrows at all, but just some caterpillars one of your African friends stuck on. Yet meeting you in person has shown me that's quite wrong, and that your eyebrows are indeed impressively genuine. Why, they’re almost as spectacular as my own…

    Oh my goodness me, Your Grace -
    thank you. Do you really think so???...

    I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

    Thursday, October 30, 2008

    Bishop Ackerman Reaches for Bigger Things

    News has just came to hand that Bishop Keith Ackerman of the Diocese of Quincy has suddenly tendered his resignation, which will be effective as of this coming Saturday.

    In response to which it seems appropriate to share this very special photograph that I've been saving for an occasion such as this. Believed to have been taken at Lambeth earlier this year, it shows the imminent retiree of Illinois and one of his fellow warriors against the wicked west. And no, it isn't a Photoshop special.

    ...just a little touch
    For some reason I can't quite understand Brother Richthofen and his friends find it hilarious. Readers can reach their own conclusions, but it's probably better we don't hold a caption competition.

    Wednesday, October 29, 2008

    A little house-keeping

    There’s a few domestic matters needing attention around here which should have been taken care of weeks ago. Normally anything not directly relating to the Core Ministries of Teaching the Scriptures, Generating Revenue and Raising My Personal Profile are part of Evangelic Eric’s job description, but the foolish lad hasn’t been able to stop trembling since I began studying the phenomena of Stigmata and the potential income St. Onuphrias’ could generate from becoming the global headquarters of Anglican manifestations of this miracle. Consequently it’s probably better I deal with these myself:

    1) On the left-hand side-bar is now yet another award. Presented by Kirkepiscatoid - Missouri’s finest lover of history, books and everything else worth caring about, I may have been a trifle tardy in expressing my appreciation, but that should in no way be considered as a lack of gratitude on my part, and everyone reading this is ordered to visit Kirkespicatoid’s esteemed blog and leave a comment expressing their thanks for her having bestowed this honor upon the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher.

    2) As Pennsylvania’s wisest cat-lover reminded me a month or so back, the address of MCJ – the bottom-most of our “Gathered Brethren” links - has changed. To be honest I purposefully left off changing it, since the “Access Denied” message the old URL was showing at least had some integrity, which the belly-aching pro-Obama Democrats who seem to be taking over that place sadly lack. Still, for anyone who cares, the Midwestern Conservative Journal is now at Obviously they needed to add a the to distinguish themselves from all the other Apostate Liberals calling themselves “mcj”.

    3) Some time ago one of my young Facebook friends named Matt Wills (who loves the Brewer Brothers almost as much as I do) asked me to confirm that his blog called A Very Ordinary Title for a Blog really does belong to him. However probably due to my modest Christ-like nature I’m not very proficient at all those new-fangled Facebook things - you wouldn’t believe how many little green-patched fish (or whatever they’re called) I’ve managed to kill while trying to raise funds to send ice-skates to the Sahara (or some such worthwhile cause) – and so I think I may not have correctly done whatever it was that was needed to help the good lad feel confident that it is indeed him who writes all those fine posts in his blog.
    Consequently I’m commanding everyone here as a matter of Biblical urgency to visit him immediately and offer reassurance regarding his ownership of the aforementioned blog. After which everyone should then go to Matt’s other blog Looking Forward to the Past and do the same thing there. As I always tell my Bible-class students: “Not only is it educational, but it might teach something.” And there is a Google advertisment which when clicked on led to some most arousing images of young people in bathing costumes getting excited about a weight-loss program they said I can trust.

    I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

    P.S. To the guy who keeps sending emails pestering me to install his “Random Bible Verse Generator”: There’s nothing random about anything in the Scriptures – they were all dictated literally by God (or something like that) expressly so that GAFCON leaders like myself can twist them into saying whatever it is we want them to say. And if anyone’s going to be generating any new Scriptures around here it’ll be me. Understand?