Friday, July 30, 2010

Not even I could have made this one up (Matt Kennedy #10).

10. If you suspect a diocesan spy on your vestry, say nothing you do not want the diocese to know. Be nice. Make no accusations. Do some careful investigating. If the evidence shows your suspicions to be correct, decide whether it is best to expose him/her publicly or turn the situation to your advantage. Spies can be very helpful if given the right kind of information. If you choose to expose the spy, be sure you have the evidence nailed down. Say nothing until you do. .

Double Mmmmmmmm.

It’s probably also better you don’t say anything about your persistent (and strangely exciting) urge to wear a secret-counter-agent Mata Hari costume.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

For my "Friend" (the NYC Concern Troll).

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #9

(We’re reaching my favorites now, Beloved Sinners!)
9. Be careful for spies in your congregation. If you have a parishioner who is angry and disgruntled and yet for some inexplicable reason continues to attend services and meetings--especially if said parishioner suddenly stops complaining--beware. Do not say anything in public that you do not want the diocese to know.
After all: the idea that someone might wish to remain a part of the spiritual community they joined long before you came on the scene is ludicrous. As is the idea that anyone has a right to think differently to the way they've been told to. You are the church, so if they don’t agree with you they’ve no business staying. And wearing a little hat made of tinfoil will stop those evil Episcopalian mind-scanners from reading your inner-most thoughts - especially those bothersome ones which suggest you’re growing paranoid.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #8

8. Should you have a “spirit filled” person on the vestry who argues that strategic planning for various eventualities, including defeat, is faithless; that Christians should trust God and expect and plan only for victory, do not listen. You will be very sorry if you do. Trust God to provide everything that you need every step of the way and recognize that his grace often operates in and through the careful deliberation and planning of the leaders he has appointed.
As every schismatic should know by now, if God’s track record in these church property theft cases is anything to go by you’re better off trusting someone more sympathetic to your own interests. Like yourself.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #7

7. Tell your people that any bequests or memorials or donated items (if given to the church or bought by the church with money parishioners have given) will, if you lose, belong to the diocese.
Read point six. Again. Then get back to work convincing your parishioners that the diocese wants their money to drown kittens and force puppies with big eyes to engage in immoral activities. And don’t forget to keep haranguing them to give their donations directly to you. Do I also need to repeat the bit about “in cash”?

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #6

6. Tell your people that every check written today will, if you lose, end up in diocesan coffers tomorrow. They need to know this so that they will be able to make free and informed choices with their money.
That’s because a loss means the Court will make the outrageous ruling that anything donated to the Episcopal Church actually belongs to the Episcopal Church. Instead of permitting your parishioners to continue faithfully supporting that part of the Body of Christ into which they have come, pressure them to start giving their offerings directly to a privately controlled “fighting fund”. Or even better, make them just give it all directly to you. In cash.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #5

5. When/if a suit is filed, tell your people early and often that the lawsuit may very well end in defeat. Your task is to prepare everyone mentally, spiritually, and practically to lose all of the assets and the church buildings.
After leading your congregation into a quagmire of smelly brown stuff be certain to distance yourself from the fight. That way you can put all the blame on someone else when things turn nasty.

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #4

4. Retain an attorney familiar with church property disputes Even if your negotiations end amicably, you will need an attorney to help you work out the details of any agreement. And if the diocese turns to litigation, you will not need to rush about looking for a lawyer. You can focus all of your energy on leading.
This way you’ll have also locked your community’s finest legal minds into your side of the fight before it starts, forcing your opponents to make-do with second best. What’s more it ensures that even if things do end amicably you can still enjoy wasting your parishioners’ money by paying high-priced experts to undertake simple procedural tasks.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #3

3. Never offer information about your financial stability, assets, or property.

Transparency is a fine theory for Christians foolish enough to be concerned with storing up treasure in the next world, but if you’re interested in grabbing some decent assets in this one you should play your hand as closely as possible. That way if you lose there’s still a chance of holding on to a few morsels the other side couldn’t find.

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #2

2. Avoid meeting with the bishop or any diocesan representative(s) alone.
Escalate matters quickly by refusing to meet with anyone or discuss anything one-to-one. This will also help you to cease thinking of the other party as a real person, whom like you has also devoted their life to serving in a Church they love.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #1

1. While in negotiations, before a lawsuit is filed, always be sure to document, in writing and in detail, the discussion and any decisions taken at every meeting with your bishop or members of the diocesan standing committee. Send copies to each of your allies present in the meeting. Have them print it out, date it, and sign it. Send a signed copy to the bishop and standing committee. These may or may not help you when and if the diocese sues, but they will almost always come in handy with the press.
Remember: just because you get your tail whipped in Court doesn’t mean you can’t get lazier members of the media to accept and publish every piece of garbage you feed them. The important thing is to ensure any morsels you distribute look official enough to fool the reporter’s sub-editor should they sufficiently awaken from their drunken stupor to question why someone claiming to be a journalist is filing this crap.

Lost for words...

Dearly Beloved Sinners: I must commence this homily by apologizing for my recent silence. I know you’ve all been despairing for want of regular Biblical Guidance of the kind that I alone have been humbly anointed to provide, and I’m well aware that certain persons in Binghamton and Sydney have been checking on what must be a bi-daily basis (and why, as I write those words, do I feel a quickening in my Spirit suggesting that’s not the only thing which might be "bi" about those two?) in anticipation of my latest acclamation of their unsoiled personae. Even so, I have been obliged to take a short respite from my tireless work.

Were I not as the World’s foremost Conservative Doctrinal Warrior committed to telling the truth (except of course, in relation to transactions of a economic or sexual nature, or when discussing the size of my congregation) I would explain way my absence by creating some trivial excuse: I’d claim to have been addressing a Conference, or perhaps detained by Customs in relation to the importation of illegal narcotics, but the truth is far, far worse: I have in fact been utterly catatonic with rage.

That’s right, my Beloved Evildoers, and the cause of my wrath as been none other than the Whore of Babylon’s most regular customer himself, Pope Benny Ratzfinger. For years there’s been an agreement between him and his predecessors and Biblical Christian Leaders like myself: Rome concentrates on covering up child abuse and making silly pronouncements concerning contraceptives, while we cover up financial improprieties and insult women. He protects kiddie-fiddlers and I say stupid things about human sexuality. It’s been a clear divide, and it’s worked well, with both of us in full agreement when it comes to turning a blind eye to homos when they're happy lying about themselves.

Yet completely out of the blue St. Peter’s latest chair-warmer suddenly decided to ignore this sacred tradition, and I’m not ashamed to say I was left incandescent with anger. After all: when Rome comes out with something as stupid as the idea that ordaining priests without penises is on a par with abusing children there’s simply way conservative protestants like myself will be able to continue enjoying an unsurpassed reputation for making breathtakingly ridiculous announcements.

Just think about it: now the standard for grossly insensitive idiocy has been set this low where can teachers like myself, David Virtue, and the Ould twins turn? No matter what we say, no matter how crassly offensive we might try to appear, the fact will always remain that an elderly foreigner and his sycophants have surpassed anything we might claim in the course of satisfying our desperate need to draw attention to our self-righteousness. Not even I can top Benny this time. Indeed, in the darkest moments of this past week I even began wondering if there was still any need for my ministry: when the Vatican does Father Troll better than I can is there still a place for the real thing?

The answer came from Father McCracken, who runs St. Catamite’s, our local Vatican franchise. Naturally neither of us recognizes the other’s orders, and he’s unquestionably a despicable servant of the greatest Satanic deception to have ever cursed Christendom, but this doesn’t mean he’s not a lovely man. Upon learning of my despair he dropped by with a particularly fine bottle of red and a fresh collection of amusing anecdotes acquired in the course of hearing confession. After we’d stopped laughing at the transgressions of a parishioner who owns a local Italian restaurant he gave me some advice I’m going to share with you all in the next few days. Till then I'd strongly recommend never ordering pasta alla carbonara if anything about the proprieter suggests a inclination toward fetishism.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, July 9, 2010

And now for something really offensive...

From time to time people mistakenly accuse me of being “nasty”. I’m not, of course, but rather merely Conservative. And yes, there really is a difference, even if science has yet to detect it. Even so, it can’t be denied that I am indeed wise enough to recognize true nastiness when little Greg, Matt, Sarah & Dobby allow it to surface at (where else?) Viagraville.

Indeed, “nasty” - like “pharisaic”, “stupid”, and “truly, utterly, and obnoxiously evil” – is an expression not to be used lightly. Which is why, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, I feel compelled to further contribute to your spiritual educations by presenting the following definitive example:
”The LGBT “inhabit space in the church” in the same way that sawdust or insect parts or other adulterants inhabit poorly-made sausage. If you don’t notice it you might wonder why you feel a bit ill. If it’s present in enough quantities to be prominent and unavoidable, you’ll be disgusted and might be severely sickened. The right thing to do at that point is to get your stomach pumped.

Similarly, the proper thing to do is purge all LGBT activists (celibate or not) from the councils of the Church…”
Now at this point in time I must admit to not knowing who or where Doug Stein actually is. In fact I’m not even sure what he is, since it’s difficult to believe the DNA of anything this objectionable could be human. Nor, for that matter, from any other carbon based life form. But one way or another Doug (and I know you’ll read this, since your type are addicted to the sanctimonious frisson of outrage which accompanies a visit to my side of the web) I’m going to find out more about you, and the strange rumbling you hear in the distance will be the sound of people in cyber-space. Laughing at you.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Stupid is as stupid does.

Despite my very wise advice, Archbishop Rowan hasn’t been able to resist taking yet another nip at his friends. To be fair, however, the nasty little man with the biggest beard in Lambeth was probably just trying to be Biblical: both Peter and Judas turned their backs on the wisest person they ever met, so one can hardly judge ++Cantaur too harshly for simply wanting to follow their example.

Besides, appointing someone as gifted and intelligent as Jeffrey John as Bishop would have set a dangerous precedent. English Prelates should concern themselves with the core Gospel task of playing Church Politics and, when pushed, only stray from this crucial field of expertise to make condescending and vaguely offensive statements about women and/or homosexualists. One only has to meet the Rev. John, or to peruse any of his dangerously accessible writings, to be well aware that he’d have absolutely no intention of maintaining this hallowed and ancient tradition. Besides, the man’s crazy notions about Jesus wanting to reach out to all people – and not just Sinless Conservatives like myself – would have inevitably resulted in an influx of parishioners completely lacking in respect for those of us who have fought long and hard to exclude anyone daring to question our mandate to interpret the Scriptures in accordance with our own preconceptions.

Speaking of which... no sooner had Fr. Jass made the thoughtful suggestion that I appoint Dobby Ould as my next Curate than someone purporting to be the boy’s master, littlePeter Jensen of the Diocese of Mordor, emailed to offer a deal on Viagraville’s favourite Deacon of Despair. Since there’s no denying this striking example of what happened when Margaret Thatcher was permitted to interfere with school funding is in many ways ideally suited to the position: he checks by here on an almost daily basis to see if he’s been mentioned, he’s not afraid to make an idiot of himself by speaking authoritatively on subjects of which he patently knows nothing, and when it comes to toadying to those further up his totem pole he’s greasier than a Gulf Pelican (he’ll only block the link, so to see for yourself what I mean copy and paste in a new browser window).

Which is naturally why I replied to Lord Volder-Jensen with a counter-offer: he may indeed be desperate for cash, but given the astute judgment when it comes to making investments that he’s displayed in the past there's no way the GAFCON faux-primate will be able to resist a huge portfolio of shares in Lehman Brothers, accompanied by a wad of options in Wang Computers. Consequently we’re all expecting a parcel containing Dobby to arrive on our doorstep any day now.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

A little advice for ++Rowan.

I fear this might be too late, yet I can but try...

I'm Father christian and I teach the Bible.