Thursday, July 8, 2010

Stupid is as stupid does.

Despite my very wise advice, Archbishop Rowan hasn’t been able to resist taking yet another nip at his friends. To be fair, however, the nasty little man with the biggest beard in Lambeth was probably just trying to be Biblical: both Peter and Judas turned their backs on the wisest person they ever met, so one can hardly judge ++Cantaur too harshly for simply wanting to follow their example.

Besides, appointing someone as gifted and intelligent as Jeffrey John as Bishop would have set a dangerous precedent. English Prelates should concern themselves with the core Gospel task of playing Church Politics and, when pushed, only stray from this crucial field of expertise to make condescending and vaguely offensive statements about women and/or homosexualists. One only has to meet the Rev. John, or to peruse any of his dangerously accessible writings, to be well aware that he’d have absolutely no intention of maintaining this hallowed and ancient tradition. Besides, the man’s crazy notions about Jesus wanting to reach out to all people – and not just Sinless Conservatives like myself – would have inevitably resulted in an influx of parishioners completely lacking in respect for those of us who have fought long and hard to exclude anyone daring to question our mandate to interpret the Scriptures in accordance with our own preconceptions.

Speaking of which... no sooner had Fr. Jass made the thoughtful suggestion that I appoint Dobby Ould as my next Curate than someone purporting to be the boy’s master, littlePeter Jensen of the Diocese of Mordor, emailed to offer a deal on Viagraville’s favourite Deacon of Despair. Since there’s no denying this striking example of what happened when Margaret Thatcher was permitted to interfere with school funding is in many ways ideally suited to the position: he checks by here on an almost daily basis to see if he’s been mentioned, he’s not afraid to make an idiot of himself by speaking authoritatively on subjects of which he patently knows nothing, and when it comes to toadying to those further up his totem pole he’s greasier than a Gulf Pelican (he’ll only block the link, so to see for yourself what I mean copy and paste in a new browser window).

Which is naturally why I replied to Lord Volder-Jensen with a counter-offer: he may indeed be desperate for cash, but given the astute judgment when it comes to making investments that he’s displayed in the past there's no way the GAFCON faux-primate will be able to resist a huge portfolio of shares in Lehman Brothers, accompanied by a wad of options in Wang Computers. Consequently we’re all expecting a parcel containing Dobby to arrive on our doorstep any day now.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Point of Order said...

Fr. Christian,
There is a fine line between rhetoric and farce. I fear that Deacon Dobby may have crossed it on numerous occasions. If employed in your parish, I presume he would undergo proper biblical instruction.

Lapinbizarre said...

Satire surpassed by reality these past few days - a rerun of "satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize".

Anonymous said...

It is good to know that Dobby Ould visits here regularly, Father, to read your wise counsel before he takes up residence in the chicken shed. I, too, have a regular reader at my own blog who, 12 times a day, reads my profound theological insights. To find me, he googles "Matt Kennedy, Anglican". Do you perchance know this person. Are they REALLY Anglican? Do you know if he/she is gay, trans-gendered or a lesbian?