Thursday, July 31, 2008

J. Mark Brewer: Still Seeking to Serve Dave Walker

I have no doubt that J. Mark Brewer is a man after my own heart, as well as any other body parts for which he might be able to obtain a reasonable price. Having previously discussed his important ministry of sending threatening ‘Cease and Desist’ letters, it brings me great joy to see this brave Texan lawyer is expanding his ministry of trying to silence and intimidate any bloggers daring to question his management of the historic Christian booksellers SPCK – questions like “Will everyone get paid?” or “What’s happened to staff pension funds?”, which no Bible-believer of J. Mark Brewer’s standing should ever be expected to bother answering.

In fact so insulting has the pressure from former SPCK staff and their disreputable supporters become that he’s been forced to send some very serious letters indeed – one to someone who has the gall to be raising funds to support those whom Mark’s management skills have left unemployed (if God didn’t want them and their families to starve why would Mark have dismissed them?); and one to a clergyman who’s so obviously misguided he appears to think justice and fair-business practices have something to do with Christian ministry.

It’s in the letters J. Mark Brewer sent to this second troublemaker that our fine wealthy lawyer’s pain becomes so clear. As Mark so heartrendingly cries, he is “… a private individual and I value my privacy. I am not a public figure…” - it’s this humble love of simple privacy that has drawn him to become a high-profile attorney and prominent businessman, as well as to post a whole page of pictures of himself on the internet here.

Indeed, anyone doubting Mark’s compassionate heart must surely admit their error when confronted with this moving account from the Washington Times of his representation on behalf of two men appealing against their conviction for shooting a foreigner in the buttocks. I’m sure Mark put it much more eloquently than I can, but what kind of society have we become where this is against the law? And isn’t it reassuring to know we have men like J. Mark Brewer fighting for the right for gunmen to continue courageously shooting people in the rear?

No, on the basis of all that I’ve seen of the man I can heartily endorse J. Mark Brewer and his firm Brewer & Pritchard in every way. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve tried calling Mark to personally give him my support, since his web site generously displays his number - (713) 209-2950, but he was obviously a little snowed under today, since the secretaries were unable to put me through. If I can’t speak to him soon I’ll send a fax - (713) 659-5302, as it’s important in times like these for a man to know just how the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher feels about him. And since his number is publically displayed on the web I’m sure he’s placed it there as invitation for others to offer him their support also, or to seek his professional services with regard to any buttocks you may have shot, or employees you don’t wish to pay - or even if you’d like advice on how to acquire a centuries-old firm, strip its assets and then declare it insolvent - as the website says; Mark's firm “has broad experience”.

As I’m blessed with the gift of Profound Spiritual Awareness, as well as an ability to track IP addresses, I believe that Mark (or someone from his office) has recently visited here, and I’ve no doubt they’ll be soon back again to benefit from my immense wisdom. Consequently I’d also like to take this opportunity to assure Mark in advance that any correspondence he may send me will be made public for public edification and amusement, and that any attempt on his part to communicate with me by any means whatsoever will be construed as an acceptance of my proviso.

Finally, a touching quote from J. Mark Brewer’s own web site – one which clearly sums up his personal creed:
“Like other business people, lawyers exist in a competitive world. They must be willing to withstand the scrutiny of those whom they serve and those whom they seek to serve.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Archbishop Williams' Wisdom

As Lambeth continues to roll on, the Archbishop of Canterbury has made a plea for everyone to understand that in tolerating (or worse, listening to) homosexuals Western Churches have placed believers in otherwise stable and peace-loving countries in “literal physical risk”.

Expanding upon this enlightening theme, His Grace continued: “Imagine what it is to be known as the 'gay church' in a context where that spells real contempt and danger.”

He’s quite right of course, since no Western Christian ever faces contempt and danger, and in +Cantaur’s own country nobody has any concept of what it means to live in fear. How dare we risk the lives of Big Pete Akinola’s bodyguards by spoiling their church’s impeccable name, when no person in the west need ever have the slightest concern for their own safety.

What’s more, how dare people think Christianity has anything to do with taking risks by standing alongside the marginalized and rejected. Since when did anyone receive business class tickets to a conference anywhere by doing a crazy thing like that?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Bishop Duncan Recants.

Today finds me deeply disappointed: Bishop Bobby Duncan and his faithful friends at the Common Cause Partnership have removed Saddleback Community Church from theirlist of faithful Anglican parishes in California. Evangelical Eric says I should be proud, since this shows how much attention the CCP fellows pay to my words, but I find myself unable to share in his joy.

This is because I know that for the true GAFCON man there’s nothing more shameful than to backtrack on any claim one makes – regardless of how outlandish it might be. Big Pete Akinola understands this, which is why you never hear him wavering when it comes to his claim that Nigeria is a land of Christian righteousness and harmony to which Bible-believers everywhere else must look up in admiration. Nor do you ever hear Layman Schofield question his own episcopacy, or little Pete Jensen ever stop repeating his claim to actively support women’s ministry.

No; once the true Bible-believer makes an inflated, boastful statement – even one as trivial as claiming an additional 22,000 members – he stands by it, fiercely ridiculing all who dare question him. These dark days are no time to be wishy-washy, and if we’re not careful Duncan’s behaviour could open a floodgate.

The analogy of a “slippery slide” is one that probably hasn’t been used before, but it couldn’t be more appropriate: if we self-proclaimed ‘Orthodox’ Believers start admitting we could be lying about our support base who knows where this honesty could lead? Next we might start questioning our right to keep properties belonging to the Church we’ve left, or to trade off our old Church’s name, or even ask ourselves how we can justify hating and excluding those whom Christ commanded us to love. Indeed, if GAFCON Bishops are going to start letting the truth get in the way of their vision for personal glory we might as well all give up now.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible

Monday, July 28, 2008

African Bishop Speaks Truth at Lambeth!

In all honesty I’m not too sure exactly where on the map Botswana is. At best I can say with some certainty it’s in Africa, but since little Martyn Minns didn’t know much more about Nigeria until Big Pete Akinola said he could become a Bishop I’m not losing any sleep over this gap in my geographical understanding.

What I do know, however, is that Botswana is most definitely a place where the Bishop speaks plainly and sees through the current love for smoke and mirrors. I’ll also bet I’m certainly not the only one who’s glad it never crossed their mind to affiliate to affiliate with him. Truthfulness is the last quality those seeking “alternative oversight” want to look for in their new leader: who knows what they’ll find if they start snooping? (Maybe that’s why Rick Warren has started hanging out with Bobby Duncan?)

The reason I say all this is because of an interview Bishop Mwamba of Botswana gave to Pat Ashworth of the Church Times. In it His Grace suggests the claim that the Nigerian and Ugandan churches represent the paradigm of unity might be just a tiny exaggeration: “When they say 200 of our brothers have boycotted the conference – definitely no. Maybe given the freedom, one or two would have stayed behind. It must be clearly understood: the reason why they didn’t come is that they were forced not to come.” Earlier in the piece he is equally direct: “the point is that a lot of those brothers of ours – 200 is a nice round figure – would have wanted to come here.”

And who can blame them? If you can’t taste just a few of the privileges that come with a purple cassock what’s the point? Big Pete’s Lagos domicile might be quite urbane, but it’s a safe bet the poor fellows stuck out in the Sharia-infested countryside would dearly love a couple of weeks break from thinking everyday might be their last. Which, given the stability and loyalty for which Nigerian politics are famous, suggests that while he may have been able to twist everyone’s arm into letting him stay for one more year there’s no way the rank and file will be in any hurry to forget the party the were forced to miss, and even if they don’t ever find the courage to take out their anger on Big Pete himself, whoever he appoints to carry on in his place is going to be made to pay. And pay.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible

Sunday, July 27, 2008

My Church is Bigger than Your Church

Try as I might, Bishop Bobby Duncan's claim that Rick Warren’s pseudo-Baptist flock at Saddleback are part of the Common Cause Partnership is one I just can’t stop admiring.

Brought to my attention a few days ago by a faithful reader who is much, much more than just another black sheep, at first it seemed that not even the Poacher of Pittsburgh and his friends could be audacious enough to claim the 22,000 people who allegedly gather at Lake Forest to experience Pentecostalism without the funny gurgling noises are really “part of the reunification of Orthodox Anglicanism”.

Yet sure enough, by going to the CCP parish finder and selecting “California” you end up here. (NB. Since this was first posted Saddleback has been removed form the list. Which just proves everyone respects Father Christian's teaching) Look halfway down the page at Lake Forest and sandwiched between St. Thomas Becket Church Lake Almanor and Christ Church Lemoore is the purpose-driven Saddleback Valley Community Church itself.

On this basis I’ve decided to up my own church’s prestige a little by claiming St. Peter's Basilica as our new European outreach, and consequently all who are in any way associated with the Church of Rome are now to be counted as part of the St. Onuphrias congregation. Which means we now have over 1.2 billion parishioners, and makes us the fastest growing congregation in history!

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Mark Brewer: Responding to Dave Walker

Mark Brewer, the new owner of British Christian bookshop chain SPCK, is a man who knows his Bible. While Deuteronomy 25:5 might forbid one from muzzling oxen while they work, he’s well aware that the Scriptures say nothing to prevent muzzling those who dare to blow the whistle on any tricks one tries while chasing a dollar - at least not the when you read them the way he does. Consequently he’s has called in his legal boys to deal with cartoonist/blogger Dave Walker.

As faithful Christians know, I like to keep abreast of what there is to see on the internet, and while looking for a breast or two I often peruse Mr. Walker’s Church Times Blog and Cartoon Church, where I'm disappointed to say I've never seen anything of a salacious or lewd nature.

What I have found, however, is a series of terrible posts which you can read for yourself here. Like Mark, I believe these shocking documents can be mistakenly construed as implying there’s something wrong with corporate mismanagement, dismissing people from their jobs by email, not paying your debts, forcing people to work for nothing, stripping the assets of a charity, and generally acting like a proud graduate of Oral Roberts University – which, incidentally, Mark Brewer happens to be. As I’m sure anyone who looks into this matter and reads Dave Walker’s posts will agree, throwing money at lawyers to send cease and desist letters is unquestionably the only appropriate response for any Bible-Believing Christian who finds some nosy blogger getting in-between them a great big pile of hot sweaty lucre.

Since I feel such a burden for Mark Brewer’s terrible pain, and because he’s so clearly a GAFCON kind of guy, I’m urging my staff, entire congregation, and innumerable internet followers to follow the example set by another fine blogger who’s concerned for Mark, and send him an email at

Put whatever you feel led to say in the subject field (varying the subject line makes it harder for your message to be blocked before Mr. Brewer has a chance to be blessed by your words of support), but be sure to make the message field read “I AM ALSO DAVE WALKER”.

In fact, why not show Mark how much you really care by sending him this message a number of times? And even better, tell everyone you know to send him an email as well. Since he enjoys sending unsolicited messages so much, he’s bound to appreciate receiving them in return.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Bishop Duncan: Lord of the Rings?

Just when Bishop Quinine was regaining what passes for sanity in GAFCON circles, little Bobby Duncan has upset him again by making a play for the big hat in North America’s newest diocese.

If he’s successful (and I keep trying to calm Bishop Quinine by telling him that’s a very big if), this will mean an end to Greggie Veneballs’ dreams of controlling the north from Tierra del Fuego (or wherever it is he’s sheltering this week), since the Pittsburgh Pirate himself, Bishop “Coming-or-Going” Duncan will have stitched up for himself a monopoly on the Episcopalian lunatic fringe that certainly won’t leave any room for a Englishman willing to go anywhere for a chance to wear purple.

But, as we are all insisting to Bishop Quinine, what are his chances? In the first instance, by excluding Layman Schofield from the front bench (not too mention the table of after-meeting refreshments), there’s little chance of him rushing to join Duncan’s parade. Meanwhile, where are the jobs for Akinola’s friends and relatives? Certainly Nigeria, Uganda and Kenya all get a mention, but you don’t have to be a linguist to notice Minns, Atwood & Guernsey are hardly African names. If anyone thinks Big Pete is going to freely let GAFCON hand over the biggest source of golden eggs he’s ever dreamed of they can think again.

Or, for that matter, even if Duncan is successful, how long does anyone really expect this gaggle of geese can stay in out one place? The Reformed Episcopal Church, for example, have been muttering by themselves since 1873, and while there’s no doubt they’ll initially be delighted to find themselves back as part of something which considers itself mainstream, but there’s no way they’ll be too happy to play pup-tent with the likes of The Diocese of the Holy Cross, who only a few years back came within a hair’s breadth of hiving off into Eastern Orthodoxy – do they get any less Reformed than that? Or take a good look at Bishop Timothy B. Farmer from the Holy Crosswords here - there’s no doubt that he’s as straight as they come, but I’m still not sure I’d be comfortable with him spending an evening with Brother Richthofen’s friend’s from seminary.

No, as I keep telling our dear schismatic Bishop Quinine, there’s no need to worry about the little guys losing their grasp on the manna bowl just yet. Bobby Duncan can dream of being the One Ring to Bind Them all he likes, but not even Sauron could herd cats.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sudan: The Leading Light of Lambeth

Evangelical Eric has been helping Bishop Quinine regain his faculties by discussing the latest Lambeth developments in depth, and naturally I have closely monitored their conversations. In the course of this I’ve been delighted to learn of the active part being played in the fight for Truth by the Primate of Sudan, Archbishop Bull.

The Sudan is a country I’ve always admired, since while serving there as a missionary my Great-Grandfather established our family fortune by supplying guns to the natives during the Siege of Khartoum. He was later at the Battle of Omdurman with Lord Kitchener, where Great-Grandfather was held in chains after getting caught attempting to repeat his strategic ministry. During the bloody fighting he escaped to South Africa with the help of some friendly Boer Calvinists whom he later betrayed to the British in return for a full pardon.

Consequently hearing Archbishop Bull tell of the marvellous achievements Bible-Believing Christians have made in his harmonious and peaceful land made my heart sing for joy: if only Great-Grandfather Troll were alive to see the fruits of his ministry there today. And if only the Bishop of New Hampshire might heed Archbishop Bull’s call to resign, so that all the Communion could enjoy the same “culture of love, peace and justice now being "propagated" in the Sudan.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Lies at Lambeth!

After all the mirth yesterday from Bishop Venalballs, it had to happen. The filthy liberal apostates at Lambeth have made Father Chritian really angry!

As if the Anglican Communion didn’t have enough foreigners of our own to contend with, ++Cantaur went and asked a Roman to address the disgruntled purple throng. And would you believe it – the idolatrous murderer of Cramner had the gall to imply us Anglicans “live myopically in the fleeting present, oblivious of our past heritage and apostolic traditions”

Now excuse me Cardinal Whatever-your-name-is! Just because your church is a few thousand clergy ahead of ours in the “touching-up-little-children” department doesn’t mean we’re the only one’s who’ve let some of the traditional practices of the past fall by the wayside. What about inquisition, hmm? Your lot haven’t had a good Roman torturer since Pinochet got run out of town, whereas we’ve not only got Mugabe, we’re the ones who’ve kept the art of waterboarding alive.

Oblivious to the past? We’re the ones with a whole faction convinced it’s still 1521 and the forces of darkness are about to destroy Biblical Christianity forever. How dare some trumped up papal yes-man who clearly doesn’t now the first thing about Schism witness Lambeth and then allege we’ve forgotten apostolic traditions? Then again, I suppose he’s never even heard of the Council of Jerusalem.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. For everyone who so kindly enquired: Bishop Quinine has regained the ability to speak in English, and is convalescing nicely. Nor does he still think he’s Esther Williams, although we’re not sure Blanche Dubois can really be considered much of an improvement.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Bishop Greg Venables: the Stand-up King of Lambeth

All the recent talk about little David Virtue has got my constipation playing up, and nothing puts this Doctrinal Warrior in a foul mood like trouble in my elementals. Fortunately young Bishop Venables must have heard me grumbling, because his interview yesterday afternoon with Pat Ashton from the Church Times has got me laughing harder than Brother Richthofen’s nitrous oxide cylinder.

"Anything we’ve done in the Southern Cone has been temporary and emergency to give people holding ground until there is something far more official and practical." In other words Greg Venables is saying he lured Layperson Schofield into jumping off his purple throne for something only temporary!! I’ll bet he forgot to mention that part to little John-David when he had him sign on the dotted line, don’t you think?

And when you finally catch your breath and stop laughing at that one, Greggie V lays it down again: "my whole aim was to do something short-term." Not as short-term as your friendship with the Episcopalians you talked into throwing away their careers is going to be, Your Grace.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, July 21, 2008

More on Lambeth and the List of Virtue

It’s taken longer than we’d expected, but Bishop Quinine has finally regained consciousness. Granted, at the moment he’s unable to respond unless addressed in Danish, and appears convinced he’s actually Esther Williams, but Consuella’s found him a fetching one-piece, and since the weather’s been quite warm we’ve left him on his own in the swimming pool, where’s he’s happily rehearsing for his next picture. Brother Richthofen is seeing whether it’s too late for us to enter him in the Beijing Olympics; he looks a certainty for gold in the synchronised swimming.

Meanwhile, I keep thinking about little David Virtue's “List of Lambeth”. I’ve said it before about that boy, and I like him too much to not say it again: if David Virtue has a fault it’s that he just never takes things far enough. There was simply no excuse for stopping in 1844 with the "Independently Discontented Anglicans" (or whatever they call themselves this century). Why not push back another 60 years and include the Methodists? Certainly, they don’t actually have Bishops, but don’t some of them believe something about “every Minister is as a Bishop unto his Congregation”? Or is that just a quote I made up for an essay on Wesley back in seminary? Either way, there’s easily another few thousand names that would have really given some weight to David’s point about the Anglican Communion as we know it being finished.

Then again, as one fine young man noted, Rome was once in Communion with Canterbury, and would doubtless want to be so again if it wasn’t for all of our godless liberals, so there’s no reason to leave their Bishops off the list either. Yet as another wise reader pointed out, if one includes the Bishops one can hardly not invite the Pope. So his non-appearance at Lambeth also counts as proof the conference no longer defines who’s in and who’s not.

Although, as still another fine student of mine puts forward, the succession could have been traced right back to the High Priest of Jerusalem, which could have then included all of international Jewry. Leaving them out is typical of the kind of half-hearted effort for which David has sadly gained a reputation, and my fervent hope is we’ll one day see him really taking things seriously.

Though there is one ray of hope. David’s list does include the Rt. Rev. Charles E. Bennison, and David Virtue of all people knows full well why this particular Bishop isn’t at Lambeth: let’s just say that sympathy for GAFCON isn’t a reason. Yet our David has no qualms about sneaking Bennison’s name in there to pad the numbers and make his case look just that bit more convincing. Just imagine where we’d be today if only David Virtue had been given a Vocation! I wonder if he’d like to star in a remake of Bathing Beauty with Bishop Quinine?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Lambeth & Little David Virtue

I’ve spoken before of my great admiration for David Virtue. Yet today the young man has really excelled himself in using a technique which all who would dare stand firm against opposed to Bible Believers like ourselves from rejecting all who refuse to recognise the limits which we have proscribed for God’s love.

David’s technique, which is popular with most GAFCON leaders and can best be described as “stretching the truth till it snaps”, is splendidly illustrated by a list he presents of “Bishops” not attending Lambeth.

It comprises some 272 names, and with breath-taking creativity the dear boy concludes that this crowd constitutes proof that Anglicanism must now be defined by something other than Communion with Canterbury; something which surprisingly incorporates conferences to which he is invited, and a doctrinal formula astonishingly similar to his own.

Yet it’s not just the claim this proves the apostates have been defeated that shines as a Virtuous example of “strategic dishonesty” to be admired, but also the list itself. Of the 272 "Anglicans not at Lambeth", by my count only 207 qualified for an invitation from ++Cantaur. Most of the remaining 65 have as much chance of being invited to Lambeth as they do to a Grand Mormon Convocation in Salt Lake City, and the good elders of Utah are in most cases probably more Anglican. Our little David has inflated his list of non-attendee 'excluded Anglican bishops' by more than 31%!

This kind of mischielf must be replicated in every parish, every pew, and every used-car dealership in the Communion if we're serious about saving the truth. Some of David’s “bishops’ are members of Churches which have never been part of Lambeth. The “We never really supported apartheid” Church of England in South Africa led by Frankie Retief and his friends has been a separate organisation for its entire eighty year history. Which is a drop in the bucket when compared to the four bishops from the Free Church of England, whose forebears separated in 1844! We all know ++Rowan’s short of friends these days, but not even he’s got to dig that far back through his address book to find guests who’ll come to his party.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

An Update From Bishop Quinine

Dear me, but we’ve had a fine time of celebration and Bible Study to welcome Bishop Quinine into the faithful community of St. Onuphrius’. Currently he’s still in a coma, but it’s only the second day, and we have moved the respirator in from the crèche just to be on the safe side.

Before losing consciousness Bishop Quinine shared all manner of insights with us, including the password to his lap-top computer and email (I believe that occurred around the time we shifted from Mezcal to Absinthe), which has been most enlightening.

Firstly, Little Pete’s Jerusalem surprise of a new North American province has sent everyone into a tailspin: Layman Schofield has always had problems bowing down before anyone, and now that Greggie Venables looks like being overtaken by a Nigerian/Australian (now there’s a coupling which must be never be allowed to have children) plant in the new Province of FOCAS he’s flexing muscles (he didn’t know he had in an attempt to convince Big Pete to not leave him by the wayside. This includes trying to tell his new suffragan Bishops what to do, which Little John-David never thought was part of any agreement, and he’s now torn between cosying up to the Little Pete and his relatives in an attempt to gain a foothold against the Africans (who, he hopes might make him an even more flamboyantly dressed layman), and standing firm with Tierra del Fuego (or wherever Venables calls home this week) as an original schismatic in the hope that the others side with him for old times' sake.

Meanwhile, in England Jet-setter Tom wants the Convict Colonials sent back to Botany Bay, so he can be appointed Bishop Nosey-Parker-in-General over all evangelicals, which would give him (on those rare occasions he finds himself forced to be Britain) somewhere to stay much closer to London. At the same time he’s also taking every opportunity he can find to whisper into ++Cantaur’s sweet-but-hairy ear that Lambeth should circumvent the American split by enthroning the Bishop of Durham to become a flying Overseer-of-all-things-Biblical in the TEC. And if that doesn’t get Paul Revere up out of his grave and back on his horse nothing will.

Indeed, there’s so much toing and froing in Bishop Quinine’s email that we could scarcely find the passwords to his porno sites. We got there in the end, however, and weren’t they an education! Even Brother Richthofen’s friends had never heard of anyone doing that with gerbils! Providing there wasn’t something wrong with the peyote we expect the bishop to wake up in another day or so, and won’t we all have a fascinating conversation then?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Father Christian is Indisposed

Father Christian has been "in conference" with Bishop Quinine for the past day, and he has asked me to let everyone know that he is currently in "important discussions" which cannot be disturbed.

At least that's what he says is happening, although I've no idea why Consuella and the Latina Pole-Dancers Fellowship needed to join them several hours ago, nor why I was suddenly sent to fetch them a case of absinthe. And why it was necessary for Brother Richthofen and his friends to set up turntables and a sound system is entirely beyond me.

I asked Father Christian if he had any message for you all, but he just shouted that everyone should read
Job 12:25 and give thanks for his ministry. And he also insisted that I should end by telling you all this:

I'm Evangelical Eric and I do what I'm told.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Our GAFCON Bishop

Since our liberal apostate Bishop has skipped off to Lambeth, I have taken the opportunity to invite our GAFCON Bishop – the Right Reverend Quinine of the Mosquito Coast - to visit. It will naturally be a tremendous opportunity to demonstrate that St. Onuphrius’s is on the cutting edge of the divisions in Global Anglicanism, and in preparation I’ve been researching Bishop Quinine’s background.

The youngest of a large family in the south of England, Adolf Quinine had nine sisters, and was fascinated with their clothing from an early age. An altar boy in their local conservative catholic parish, he enjoyed spending vacations hiking with the vicar, Father McCracken, who was a tremendous influence upon many local lads right up until the day he was tragically arrested and sentenced to 35 years imprisonment.

School was a challenging time for young Adolf. WW2 had just ended, and his name – a family tradition dating back to the Battle of Hastings in 1066, when the Quinines were first to import Liebfraumilch into Britain, thereby resulting in the English defeat – caused tension with the other boys, something exacerbated by his parents having spent the war in detention on account of their outspoken fascist sympathies. Even so, by regularly entertaining his fellow students with talented impersonations of leading Hollywood starlets Adolf was able to win the other lads over, particularly those who excelled at Rugby.

When asked by the school Principal to leave prior to graduation after being caught stealing the chapel offertory, Adolf initially obtained an apprenticeship with a local haberdasher, before further accusations of theft, combined with an obsessive compulsion to fondle the stock, led to him seeking a new start as an officer in the South African Police.

Adolf’s leadership abilities were quickly recognised here, and it wasn’t long before he was promoted to Senior Officer in charge of Beatings and Interrogations. Still, Adolf could see the joyful days of apartheid would soon be over, and an unfortunate incident with a group of investigators from Amnesty International made it clear that god was calling him to move on.

Following this Vocation, Adolf Quinine returned to Great Britain and commenced studies at Pusey House, where became an Evangelical. This stage lasted until just prior to his ordination, when it became clear few low-church parishes could afford to pay the kind of stipend to which he felt entitled, and so he quickly rediscovered his love of Newman and the Catholic liturgy.

Since then Fr. Quinine enjoyed a lack-lustre career, but by attending every ecclesiastic event possible Adolf was able to be sufficiently annoying in a sickly-sycophantic way to ensure that when a vacancy arose in the Diocese of the Mosquito Coast that recommending him for the position of Bishop seemed an ideal way of enabling the English Church’s elite to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres without having to also enduring Fr. Quinine’s toadying, nor his “accidental” brushes against one’s crotch.

Naturally GAFCON was a beacon to the Bishop Quinine, who had begun to realise he’d been exiled, and he’s been shamelessly soliciting alternatives ever since. It’ll be interesting to see how he copes with our success, and I’ve made sure his visa is limited to prevent him getting any silly notions of over-staying his invitation. And accompanying him will be several large packages (the contents of which he is entirely ignorant) I arranged in conjunction with Conseulla’s relatives; so at least there’s no doubt about us profiting from his visit.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Snake-Handling and GAFCON Believers

One should never rely too much on anything from the godless liberals at CNN. So my first reaction when reading about the arrest of a snake-handling pastor in Kentucky was mistrust. After all, how could anyone be sure this wasn’t just another media invention like the lie that Osama Bin Laden hasn’t been captured, or that peace hasn’t been restored in Iraq.

Once the story subsequently appeared on other news agencies not owned by men who have not shamelessly called Jane Fonda their wife, I realised that it was indeed correc. Government officials really have been persecuting a gentle country pastor who has simply dared to take the Bible seriously.

Now while I fully realise the minister in question was probably just a spittle-flecked (now that Father Jake’s is closed I feel duty-bound to use that expression occasionally for the sake of a fine reader from Mexico who enjoys it almost as much as I do) Baptist, this matter raises an important question for Anglicans with a similar respect for Biblical liturgy. After all, it’s common knowledge that many of the biggest names in GAFCON have enjoyed handling their snake in private for years.

And why shouldn’t they? Just as GAFCON Christians know the Scriptures teach unnatural urges are unnatural (even when they’ve come quite naturally to the person feeling them), so do we also know the Bible specifically states Believers have authority over their serpents. Which means that if anyone wants to take my snake they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

The Sins of the Jensen Father...

As everyone knows, I am a peaceful man except when angered, and believe the shedding of blood can never lead to peace if one's enemy is not wounded fatally. In the face of liberal unbiblical opposition I firmly abide by the Psalmist’s teaching, and so it gives me great pleasure to announce that FATHER CHRISTIAN TROLL IS REALLY ANGRY!!!

The cause of my righteous wrath is, as one might expect, none other than Archbishop Jensen, my sworn enemy in Schism. His recent attempt at an “apology” has been exposed as nothing more than a shallow plot to deceive the thousands of Christians who recognize me as the most authoritative Bible Teacher in Christendom.

The tragic facts are simple: as an act of Christian compassion I had graciously posted a comment on Little Pete Junior’s blog. This is a rather amateur affair, and Little Pete's son was bewailing his embarrassment when telling others about his blog (quite understandable when you see the thing), and expressing concern about the nastiness found on blogs in general (clearly he’s never been to one of his father’s churches). To console the poor lad I commiserated with his inferiority, and agreed that examining the vast breadth of evil throughout the real of blogging does indeed take up hours every day.

Naturally Little Pete Junior agreed with me, and no doubt appreciated my pastoral concern, because my teaching was instantly posted and remained there for many hours. Yet returning later I saw it had been removed, which I have no doubt was the direct work of Little Pete Junior’s father himself! Surely there is no depravity greater than removing Sound Words of Wisdom from your own child’s blog???

In response to this outrage my immediate reaction was to contact some fine businessmen from Vladivostok for whom I have occasionally conducted short-term missions involving the carriage of a lead-lined suitcase, from whom I intended to purchase a small thermo-nuclear device which I know they have been saving for a special occasion such as this. However Consuella has a childish fear of atomic warfare, and begged me to consult her relatives regarding an alternative. And as it so happens they happen to have young Little Pete Junior’s credit card details registered on one of their internet customer lists...

I know it’s not really the poor boy’s fault, and for a moment even had doubts about extracting vengeance on him for his father’s wrong-doing, but then I seemed to recall something about the sins of the fathers being passed onto their sons. Which is as good enough a reason for us to start having some fun buying things on eBay as any Christian should ever need.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Lambeth: A GAFCON Response

Just a fortnight after getting home from their Jerusalem junket, Bishops from around the world are now getting ready for another chance to pretend they’re important; this time in Lambeth.

Now it’s no secret that I’ve not got much time for the Archbishop of Canterbury, at least not until anyone shows me how I can profit by supporting him. There must be a way of doing this, or else Bishop Tommy Wright wouldn’t have risked never again being allowed to sell books in Sydney, but so far I’ve been unable to discover it, and it’s downright ungrateful of Tommy to not share his secret with me. After all, I taught him so much.

Even so, it’s wrong that so many of the lesser GAFCON leaders – men like Big Pete Akinola, Little Pete Jensen, and that other fellow whose name I can’t remember (but it might be “Gaydar”, since that’s what Brother Richthofen’s friends all shout when they see him) are calling little Bishop Venables a traitor for choosing to enjoy a few privileges .

In the first case, don’t they realise that it’s currently winter in Tierra Del Fuego or wherever it is Venables was forced to move in order to have his purple itch scratched? Who can blame the poor man for wanting to escape his miserable home on the sub-antarctic pampas for a few weeks? He may have unwittingly chosen to move to a part of the world were alpacas outnumber people by a factor of several hundred to one, but that’s no reason to hold him hostage, especially as it’s not as if anyone’s going to miss out on a ransom fee by letting let him go.

Secondly, since there’s supposed be a new New Cone starting up in the US, presumably with Little Pete at the head of the Forward in Faith boys (which is going to be the messiest thing to watch since they outlawed cock-fighting, and a thousand times funnier) what do they think Bishop Venables is going to do? Go back to gathering peat moss in a pathetic attempt to find something to burn in the Bishopscourt fireplaces? The poor man has to attend if he’s going to have any hope of keeping afloat once the ship he’s been aboard sails off without him.

No I say, that if any of them had an ounce of sense they’d be all following his example. White ants don’t do any good if they’re outside the house complaining about the timberwork: they’ve got to be right inside the formwork and joinery to have any lasting effect. Big Pete can moan about colonialism all he likes in Nigeria, but get inside Lambeth Palace and ram somebody’s head into the punchbowl, and then he’ll find himself really being taken seriously. So far the man’s been nothing but talk, and as a man of action myself I’ve got to say I’m quite frankly tired of it.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, July 11, 2008

A GAFCON Revelation

A weeks ago a fine young Priest wrote to me seeking advice on a subject often overlooked by the Anglican Communion: that of eschatology.

Since writing on this sounded like hard work I raised the matter with Brother Richthofen, and was fascinated to learn eschatology is actually the study of the times referred to in Scripture as the last days, a period known to Learned Theologians like as myself as “the end of the world”.

When I hear things like this I can’t help but be impressed with what young people are learning in Seminary these days: in my time we wouldn’t have dreamed of studying anything so advanced, or which didn't involve sports and hating Roman Catholics. Pressing Brother Richthofen for more information, he made the excellent suggestion I ask Evangelical Eric to prepare a me a paper of the topic, as he explained those of poor Eric’s persuasion are obsessed with it.

Eric took to the job like a fish to water; particularly as this was the first task he’d been given since joining us that didn’t involve pain or humiliation. In less than a day he produced more than a dozen pages. Naturally I didn’t bother reading his work too closely, since I am far too important a Teacher to waste time on anything a mere Curate produces, but one startling point really did catch my eye: one day Jesus will come again.

At first I was inclined to doubt this, as it’s not something any of my fellow orthodox leaders have ever mentioned, but the more I looked at the Bible references Eric had included the more I had to admit that it really does look like the concept of a “Second Coming” in some form really is a Biblical notion.

Now when you think about this it really is a marvellous concept: for all these years I’ve thought we are called to despise and preach against apostate liberal Sodomites because it’s such a fun thing to do, when the truth is we should do this because Our Lord will be coming again, and we obviously don’t want Him finding out any of ‘those sort of people’ have anything to do with the Church: look at the trouble mixing with them got him into the first time around.

What’s more, the potential this truth has for raising money is unlimited! While it’s easy to frighten the elderly or infirm out of their life savings with talk of eternal damnation, correctly applied this doctrine could just as effectively scare the healthy, who normally earn much more. Just because they’re young fit and well paid doesn’t mean they’ll be any more eager to one day look up into the sky and see Jesus looking down from end of the horizon to the other, demanding to know why they hadn’t supported the important work of GAFCON.

Poor Eric; when I thanked him for opening my eyes to this important truths of the Scripture he just started blathering about it having nothing to do with getting money out of people, which just shows how much the boy still has to learn about ministry. Nevertheless, I can already see how the young Puritan really will prove to be an important adjunct to our team.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Correction Regarding Bishop Schofield

As the World’s greatest Bible Expositor I naturally do not make mistakes. Thus when there is occasionally something incorrect in any of my teachings it is always someone else’s fault.

I say this because in yesterday’s epistle there was a clear inaccuracy: as Bishop IT once perceptively noted, what little John-David Schofield actually said was “Here I sit; I can do no other”.

My sincerest apologies to Her Grace, Bishop IT, for the failure to correctly cite her perceptively accurate record of the Saviour of San Joaquin’s words. Until recently the blame for all such errors rested solely with Brother Richthofen, although now we have been joined by Evangelical Eric the responsibility now rests firmly on his trembling spotty shoulders. I assure everyone he will be suitably corrected for this unchristian inaccuracy.

We will, however, have to proceed carefully with the young clergyman. Although he hasn’t fainted again in the past couple of days, he does still appear extremely fragile, and I’m not sure he’s ready to be appropriately disciplined. Indeed, earlier in the week the lad seemed so unwell I was about to call for a doctor, but Consuella quite rightly pointed out this might just result in a little unhealthy publicity for the Parish, and as several of her Latina Dance Fellowship girls have nurse uniforms it makes more sense for them to just pretend to provide him with medical care, at a fraction of the price. And Brother Richthofen says if that doesn’t work he and his friends from Seminary will have a go at treating him, to see if that works. All of which just shows what a caring and faithful ministry team St. Onuphrius has been blessed with.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Archbishop Jensen Apologises to GAFCON

A regular reader has alerted me to the fact that a certain heretical Anabaptist from the globe’s nether regions is now attempting to apologise for his disgraceful insult to the World’s Greatest Doctrinal Warrior.

As Bible-believers everywhere will know, “Archbishop” Jensen and his diocese of relatives are as a result in formal, undying schism with the heart of GAFCON, and when first told of their attempts to rejoin the Communion of Saints I must admit to being sceptical, since there is to my knowledge not a single instance of any of the Jensens ever admitting to being wrong about anything, but my faithful informant encouraged me to examine the evidence for myself here.

Sure enough, at what appears to be some sort of popish shrine erected by the Archbishop of Sydney’s distant relatives, may be seen evidence of his lips pursed in penitence before a mural based upon the design of my own ministry’s noble banner, no doubt constructed as a mark of respect to the One whom his own flesh and blood treated so shamefully.

Yet forgiveness is not merely a matter of whimsically pretending a person’s sin is no longer be held against them: even Archbishop Jensen is on record as teaching that God does not forgive simply because a person says “sorry” – there must be restitution, compensation, and a deep, crushing sense of guilt. And even then that doesn’t mean they’re free to get on with their lives: what follows should involve years of Bible study, unlistenable ‘Christian’ music, and prayer meetings in which young men with spots pray extempore, crying “Dear Heavenly Father we just want to thank you for the gift of your dear Son” just in case He forgets about the whole atonement business. No, just because Archbishop Jensen is begging to be readmitted to the ranks of the orthodox doesn’t mean he should be.

In fact the Bible expressly declares that those of his ilk from Down Under should be opposed, for Ezekiel 20:46 commands: “Son of man, set your face toward the south; preach against the south and prophesy against the forest of the southland.” As little John-David Schofield (who has long been renown for his originality) so famously said: “Here I stand. I can do no other".

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

GAFCON Traditions are Christian Traditions

I’ve never said anything in the past about the AMiA because, to be quite frank, while I’ve got nothing against anyone stealing an acronym in order to improve their Google ranking, doing so from the Arab Marine Industries Association is just plain silly if you’re trying to make a name for yourself in the cutthroat world of Bible-believing Anglicanism. Then again, any organisation which thinks it’s sensible to have more ‘bishops’ than parishes is probably always going to find the ecclesiastical equivalent of tying one’s shoelaces difficult, and it really is unfair to be too harsh on little Chuck Murphy and the boys. After all, they try hard, and just because they’re convinced America needs to become more like Rwanda is no reason to laugh at them all the time.

In fact, despite that the AMiA are the Communion’s equivalent of that kid in school whom the teacher always left sitting in a corner with a box of old crayons, and whom could never be trusted to not eat all the paste on craft days, they invariably display an attribute which every GAFCON Christian should emulate: no matter how stupid whatever it is they’re saying might be, they always insist that it’s an essential part of traditional orthodox Christianity. Whereas liberal apostates might say things like “I know this is new, but times change and the Spirit challenges us to find new ways of meeting God in the face of these changes”, the true GAFCON believer will always insist that every innovation – regardless of how outlandish it may be - is actually something that the Saints have done since before St. Paul heard a voice telling him to stop killing people.

Indeed, one can never underestimate the intimidatory power of saying “I’m just holding fast to what Christian’s have always believed”. It doesn’t matter that only tiny minority of Christians might have believed it, or that this belief first became popular among a group who also specialised in tearing out the tongues of women with more than two vowels in their first name: history has nothing to do with things. Just proudly stick your chest out and insist that your position is the only historically orthodox one, and everyone else is denying the faith’s foundations.

You’ll be amazed at how easily this convinces those around you. Once, after eating some mushrooms Brother Richthofen found growing wild in the woods, I spent a whole month convinced that Christ instituted pickled onions as a third Eucharistic element. Despite meeting resistance from my area deanery I stood true to the voices I was continuously hearing, and harangued every clergyman I knew day and night about this important Christian tradition”. To this day some of them still keep a small jar on the altar, which just goes to show: if they AMiA can keep their energy up for long enough they might even one day manage to introduce Middle Americans to the quaint Rwandan custom of settling community disputes with a machete.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Evangelical Eric’s Appointment Confirmed

What a lot of excitement yesterday brought us here at St. Onuphris’! Evangelical Eric’s ‘audition’ at last night’s Young People’s service turned out a real adventure, since it seems things all got too much for him. Brother Richthofen was babbling something about ‘Eric forgetting his safe word’ (whatever that nonsense means), as our young probationary Curate lost consciousness while participating in the liturgy, startling everyone by turning a color not part of ecclesiastical calendar.

One of the congregation phoned for an ambulance (Sunday evenings may be called our “Youth Service” but I’m proud to say we also attract a large number of older gentlemen, although why they all wear long raincoats on even the warmest and clearest of evenings is beyond me), but blessed little Consuella knew there was no need for any external agencies to become involved, and with astonishing clarity of mind for a foreigner she prevented the paramedics from entering, and commenced pulmonary massage on the young clergyman until he started breathing again.

The first I heard of it was afterwards, when they carried the spluttering Eric into the Manse. Initially the lad was most distressed, and making all sorts of wild threats, but we forced a dozen or so calming brandies into him, after which he passed out again and I filmed Consuella re-enacting the kiss-of-life manoeuvres with which she unquestionably saved his life. Upon waking he was able to view these for himself, and as a result sensibly decided to keep quiet about the whole thing, and in future do exactly as he is told.

So, all’s ended wonderfully, which is just marvellous, since it would have been a great pity to lose another Curate so soon after we’d just got him. When I told Evangelical Eric the good news of my decision to confirm his appointment the poor lad was quite overcome; even fainting again. Still, this constant losing of consciousness could come in quite handy if one of us ever needs a new kidney, or Ebay relax their rule preventing the sale of body parts.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

GAFCON Schism Spreads.

Given the busy nature of my ministry, I have little time for secular publications like Church Times, nor for the religious media. Indeed, my time as the World’s leading Doctrinal Warrior is so precious that the only news sources my schedule allows time to peruse are those owned by that fine Christian man Rupert Murdoch, and our ‘Gathered Brethren’ listed on the left - that Kendall Harmon is the funniest daily read since the papers stopped printing Li’l Abner.

As a result I am from time to time accused by liberals of being behind the times, a ridiculous claim having read the Bible more often than any man alive, and every Word of Scripture represents the last Word on everything, it stands to reason that I am actually the most up-to-date man on the planet. Yet I will confess, the news of Bishop Wright declared his own schism on the GAFCON lads last Thursday has somehow slipped my attention until now.

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again; I’ve a lot of time for the young Bishop of Durham, and he’s clearly learned much from me. The zeal with which he promotes his own line of merchandise would make a Spice Girl proud, and given the choice between talking up sales, and pastorally supporting his clergy, Tommy understands the importance of foreign exchange to one's spiritual well-being.

Naturally I was flattered to see him emulate something of my own strategy regarding the Jerusalem junket, and keep everyone guessing will he/won’t he until relatively late in the picture - even though it was obvious all along that he’d never show up. After all, since Tom’s got plenty of frequent-flyer points it’s not as if he’s desperate for ways to escape his See, and when Continental serve trans-Atlantic passengers free drinks why go somewhere that forbids Saturday morning book-signings?

His new quarrel was just as predictable; has Bishop Tommy ever been able to share a podium with anyone for more than a few minutes? Still, the way he’s expressing himself is hilarious. The talk about sledgehammers and American nuts sounds like a practical joke played by one of Brother Richthofen’s friends, and even funnier is “I spend 90 to 100 hours a week doing the work of the gospel and the kingdom of God in my diocese and around the place.”

I can’t find anyone who believes His Grace spends that much time in his diocese over an entire year, so “around the place” must obviously include North American book launches and chat shows. Next time the spirit calls me to spend a few days in Monte Carlo or Las Vegas remind me to describe it as “doing the work of the gospel and the kingdom of God around the place”.

Then again, when I think about it, I suspect that the Bishop of Durham might have stolen that line from me. It certainly sounds like something I taught him.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Evangelical Eric's Probationary Trial

After much consideration, and a promise from our apostate Bishop that there’ll be no awkward questions asked should yet another of our Curates meet with an unfortunate accident, I announced to the St. Onuphrius’ Ministry Team my decision to appoint Evangelical Eric.

Surprisingly they were less than enthusiastic. Consuella kept saying something in her native tongue, which sounded like “El dumbass más grande en el mundo” (whatever that means), while our Parish book-keeper/accountant (who happens to be a deaf and blind mute) began making a strange gurgling noise, which is usually an indication he’s unhappy about something, although in this instance might just have been because we ate all the morning-tea biscuits before he was able to find the plate.

It was Brother Richthofen who came out with a suggestion that put everyone’s mind at rest: he proposed that as a probationary trial we invite Evangelical Eric to preside at the Sunday Evening Service that he’s been running with a few of his young friends from Seminary.

The Sunday Evening Service is a recent development for us, and Brother Richthofen says it’s influenced by “the Emergency Church” (or something like that) - I must confess I haven’t worried too much what goes on there, since it’s obviously very popular with the young people (Consuella’s Latina Pole Dancing Fellowship often deliver a liturgical presentation) and the offertory is always most impressive, so as far as I’m concerned there’s nothing which requires my attention. Consequently I was a bit surprised by Brother Richthofen, I hadn’t imagined he’d be that eager to have an ordained man become involved in what has very much been his project.

Still, Consuella seemed to find the idea funny, so I thought I’d better get a few more details. As I questioned them sweat stains began appearing on Brother Richthofen’s lederhosen; always a sure sign he’s trying to hide something from me. Firmly I demanded to know what he had planned for Evangelical Eric’s first service, and Consuella was suddenly quiet.

It was then that he explained they were planning to use an experimental liturgy developed by one of little John-David Schofield’s close ‘friends’. Obviously the poor boy thought I’d be jealous that they were using material from a faction the united forces saving the Communion from liberalism other than my own. Laughing, I told him that I am far too wise a Christian to care whose liturgy is used for anything at St. Onuphrius’ just as long as the offertory remains high. Still shaking, he explained that the service would be very “alternative”, so I repeated myself: all that matters is that we receive the kind of blessings that need to be stored in the vestry safe – for the GAFCON bible-believer anything not material is immaterial.

At that point Consuella whispered in my ear that it was time for our daily study of the Song of Solomon, which after 4 years has almost reached Chapter Three, so I declared the matter decided. As we were leaving I did, however, notice Brother Richthofen guiding our accountant’s hand (our normal method of ensuring all our parish expenses are signed off in accordance with diocesan requirements for financial probity) to authorise payment for supplies the new liturgy requires: among other things a I could see the invoice included a vat of depilatory wax, a large jar of lemon butter and several nipple clamps. I was about to stop and question this, but Consuella said aloud a very interesting passage of Scripture in her quaint and heavily-accented voice, and I realised how much more urgent it was that we hurry to my room to engage in further exegesis.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, July 4, 2008

A Potential Curate, and My Sunglasses

In response to my recent loyalty to our apostate liberal hell-in-a-handbasket ‘Bishop’, who is destroying the Church by his denial of the Scriptures, His Grace sent the first of his recommendations for our new Curate for my appraisal.

At first I was wary, as the young man, named Eric, is an evangelical trained, of all places, in Australia under the beady eyes of that heretic with whom I am in sworn eternal schism, “Archbishop” Peter Jensen of Sydney. Still, as one never knows what might be gained by keeping closed lips when talking to a member of the enemy’s forces, I decided to interview him regardless. Besides, since His Grace clearly has no idea what else to do with the young Puritan, so it might be in my interests to help deal him deal with the pesky little know-it-all.

As it turned out, Evangelical Eric is engaged to a local lass, Celia Crane, who comes from a very wealthy family. This of itself made him far more interesting than might otherwise have been the case, as well as having the added bonus that in hiring im I would soon have two employees for the price of one, since like all Traditional Rectors I am a firm believer in making a Curate’s wife work equally as hard in the parish as her husband.

During his interview the lad seemed nervous, but the sense of desperation for a job of any description in his voice certainly warmed my spirit. As might be expected given his seminary, he was wary of some of St. Onuphrius’ liturgical practices, but he had the evangelical’s Pavlovian response of relaxing if the person to whom he’s speaking uses the work ‘Bible’ in every second sentence, and was quickly off his guard.

At the end of the interview I asked him if there were any questions he wished to ask, and I must confess to being quite startled when he said here was. Even more startling was that his question was almost identical to one recently asked by a certain Panaman Missionary with an interest in liturgical dance; namely “Why does Father Christian wear shades all the time?”

Since I prefer to not boast of the price I have paid for my faithfulness, I didn’t tell him the real reason is because my vision has been damaged by spending hours in a darkened room watching videos exposing the sin in people’s lives, and instead I gave him my usual spin, which never fails to impress those of his persuasion: “My eyes have been dazzled by the glory of the Lord as revealed in my interpretation of the Scriptures, and once one can see the Bible’s judgement with the glaring discernment of a true exegete the brilliance of the Word’s Truth there is no option to wear sunglasses.’

Yes, of course I know how silly that sounds, but you’d be amazed at how many people are impressed by it. Evangelical Eric was awe-struck, which suggests he might just be stupid enough to be useful.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Spam Free the GAFCON Way

Continuing our dip into the Ask Father Christian mailbox, today finds a cry for help from the charming lady responsible for Lady of Silences.

It appears this poor child has found herself on the email list for a recipe site called something like “Zone Diet”, and just as (I have been told) men with an incomprehensible attraction to immoral pictures find themselves pulled back into Onanism as a result of unsolicited offers to view the kind of material nobody ever dares send me, so too does this sweet maiden find herself drawn into diabolical culinary temptation as a result of email propositions. Consequently she has written seeking advice on the best way to have her email addressed removed from these dastardly diet-cake dealers.

When it comes to spam there is a Biblical solution which I like to call “the Jacob Switch” in honour of Jacob’s fine example of GAFCON ethics in Genesis 27. All this involves is convincing the person emailing you to in future send their junk to someone else: thereby passing on your spam “birthright” to somebody more deserving.

Putting this into practice is a two stage process. First, send your spammer an email advising you will shortly be changing your name on the orders of a federal protective agency. Advise that them that in future you are to be addressed as, for example, Jack Iker, and that sending correspondence to your previous name will constitute an offence under Homeland Security legislation, incurring significant penalties including prison. Don’t feel shy about adding emphasis to your point by including a few pictures of Megan Ambuhl or Lynndie England doing their bit for freedom.

This will be taken seriously by even the most dim-witted of spammers. Then, once mail starts arriving addressed to your new identity, send another post advising a change of email address – which will just happen to be the address of the person whose name you have adopted.

The end result of this unquestionably Biblical strategy is that you will no longer bothered by offers of Viagra or discount Colonic Irrigatio. Further, the degree of potential embarrassment to whoever you’ve named is substantial, since any history of indiscreetly purchasing a few frivolities, such as a lycra-spandex Boy Scout uniform, or latex Chasubles you may have will now be associated with your new identity – which if prominent enough will get tongues wagging faster than Charismatics praying under a full moon: “I’ve got this friend who worked at XYZ Internet Marketing while she was a student, and you’ll never guess what so-and-so’s record showed he bought…” Which is the kind of dirt that GAFCON church-growth thrives upon.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Life in the Fullness of Schism

From the Ask Father Christian mailbox comes today’s classic example of the sad ignorance abounding as a result the Church’s failure to teach Christians how to benefit from the blessings of Schism.

Dear Fr Christian,

I joined the Facebook group, "I Want To Be Banned From GAFCON", but now I may want to attend the next gathering, since I have been asked to go on assignment to report on the conference for "Les Femmes Anglicannes d'un Certain Âge". I'm sure you've heard of the organization. We are a powerful force within the Anglican Communion. If I withdraw from the Facebook group immediately, do you think that I may be permitted to attend the next conference?

Yours respectfully,

Grandmère Mimi
This letter, which comes from the notorious author of Wounded Bird, whom I am proud to say has show tremendous repentance and growth as a resultant of my important GAFCON internet ministry, is the kind of thing that really breaks my cholesterol-basted heart. While showing a desire to make a wise and profitable decision, the poor woman has clearly been betrayed by her apostate bible-denying preachers, who have left her unequipped to reap the best of a truly blessed situation.

What every Teacher worth his salt should be drumming into their congregation’s heads is this: Real Conservative Christians never choose option A or option B - they choose them both! Just look at the historic Council of Jerusalem (no, not the one in Acts, the real one last week): Archbishop Akinola hates colonialism and Westerners, but then he lets Martyn Minns and Little Pete Jensen do all his writing, talking, and what in that company passes for thinking. Similarly, as a Puritan, Little Pete hates Anglo-Catholics, but he happily supports John-David Schofield and the Forward in Faith squad. And we all know which members of that group speak out against Sodomy, but don’t think twice about hitching up their cassocks and miming to Liza Minnelli. As these GAFCON leaders prove, it’s entirely possible for Biblical Christians to have their cake and eat it, although in the last case they probably take that a little too literally.

In just the same way then, our dear penitent Grandmère should remain a member of her Facebook group, but also attend the next GAFCON ‘pilgrimage’ as a representative of whoever she can persuade to pay for her first-class ticket and five-star accommodation (never compromise your standards when others are paying). In so doing you’ll be keeping entirely true to the whole spirit of everything GAFCON stands for.

And incidentally, don’t worry about anyone at the next ‘pilgrimage’ taking the banning thing seriously. I can assure you none of the Focas will give it a moment’s thought. What with all the young ladies showing their breasts on Facebook, there’s no way Big Pete and his security goons will ever get around to looking at a group of Christians splitting hairs about theological trivialities like acceptance and inclusivity. Not when there’s a whole internet’s worth of amateur porn to get through first.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the bible.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Inaugural GAFCON Schism Explained

Since most of my readers are extremely immature Christians, unfamiliar with the intricate blessings of schism and a sectarian spirit, many appear to have fallen into confusion concerning the precise nature of my historic intra-GAFCON schism.

In order to set the record straight, let it be understood that there is no division between my Original and True GAFCON and the FOCAs who recently met in Jerusalem using my GAFCON name under licence. St. Onuphrius’ remains in full Communion with all organisations participating in this historic event save one, the liberal apostates of some kangaroo-and-venomous-snake-infested den of depravity called Sydney who had the gall to refuse me membership of their pathetic little internet forum.

These unbiblical reprobates excluded, I fully support the members and aims of the fine men who ratified the Jerusalem declaration, and still consider myself the lynchpin of this important move to reclaim the right of the Church to exclude those whom God has mistakenly forgiven and accepted. All that’s happened is that two members of the group united in fellowship and common purpose have now sworn to hate each other with all the passion that sexually repressed fundamentalists can muster, but this in no way implies that either of party has ceased to be a part of the great movement of grace that is the global GAFCON phenomena.

Besides, this is just the first of many such divisions, and if a little thing like bitter undying hatred between brothers in Christ was all it took to stop the Jerusalem pilgrims working together then things would have been over long ago. Isn’t it a wonderful thing that Jesus was only speaking metaphorically when he suggested that anyone fellow believer a fool (Matthew 5:22) is in danger of hellfire, whilst when He was teaching on immorality he was speaking literally? How indeed great are the blessings of the Word!

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.