Thursday, July 10, 2008

Correction Regarding Bishop Schofield

As the World’s greatest Bible Expositor I naturally do not make mistakes. Thus when there is occasionally something incorrect in any of my teachings it is always someone else’s fault.

I say this because in yesterday’s epistle there was a clear inaccuracy: as Bishop IT once perceptively noted, what little John-David Schofield actually said was “Here I sit; I can do no other”.

My sincerest apologies to Her Grace, Bishop IT, for the failure to correctly cite her perceptively accurate record of the Saviour of San Joaquin’s words. Until recently the blame for all such errors rested solely with Brother Richthofen, although now we have been joined by Evangelical Eric the responsibility now rests firmly on his trembling spotty shoulders. I assure everyone he will be suitably corrected for this unchristian inaccuracy.

We will, however, have to proceed carefully with the young clergyman. Although he hasn’t fainted again in the past couple of days, he does still appear extremely fragile, and I’m not sure he’s ready to be appropriately disciplined. Indeed, earlier in the week the lad seemed so unwell I was about to call for a doctor, but Consuella quite rightly pointed out this might just result in a little unhealthy publicity for the Parish, and as several of her Latina Dance Fellowship girls have nurse uniforms it makes more sense for them to just pretend to provide him with medical care, at a fraction of the price. And Brother Richthofen says if that doesn’t work he and his friends from Seminary will have a go at treating him, to see if that works. All of which just shows what a caring and faithful ministry team St. Onuphrius has been blessed with.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

Your humbleness! I find it incumbent to point out the slightest of errors. In this, your most recent missive, you begin with the title "Correction Regarding Bishop Schofield". Might I point out that since early March Mr. John David Mercer Schofield resigned from the House of Bishops and the House of Bishops, resigned Mr. Schofield from them. The only thing that Mr. Schofield can claim is that he is pretend bishop in a pretend diocese that no one north of Panama has even seen let alone recognized. It just so happens that his pointy little hat no longer fits. Bless his pointy little head. Of course, when the truth is found to be lies. And know the joy within you dies. Now he may say his eyes may look like his (Venables) but in his baby he doesn't know where it is. In fact I hear that tears are running down his breast and his friends all treat him like a guest. Doesn't he want somebody to love? Doesn't he need somebody to love? Wouldn't he love somebody to love? In fact maybe he better find somebody to love.

So, thank you and thanks to the Jefferson Airplane.

Brother David said...

I am sure the ministrations through the laying on of hands from Brother Richthofen and his seminary boys would be the most effective treatment.
I can attest that such ministration on my own part was very uplifting.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Mr. Schwartz:
Did Jefferson Airplane write that? I'd always thought it was from somewhere in one of the minor prophets. Isn't it marvellous how one can always learn something new about the Scriptures every day!

Mr. Troll Buster:
I'm not too familiar with young people's theological expressions, since things were so different in my day, but Brother Richthofen and his friends asked me to tell you that they're all very versatile and will happily administer the laying on of hands any time the need arises.

Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

Dear Reverend Dr. Troll. According to the former Bishop of the diocese of San Joaquin there are no minor profits to be found in the Bible. His close friend, Archbishop Venables insists there are major profits to be found in California and Pittsburh.