Thursday, July 3, 2008

Spam Free the GAFCON Way

Continuing our dip into the Ask Father Christian mailbox, today finds a cry for help from the charming lady responsible for Lady of Silences.

It appears this poor child has found herself on the email list for a recipe site called something like “Zone Diet”, and just as (I have been told) men with an incomprehensible attraction to immoral pictures find themselves pulled back into Onanism as a result of unsolicited offers to view the kind of material nobody ever dares send me, so too does this sweet maiden find herself drawn into diabolical culinary temptation as a result of email propositions. Consequently she has written seeking advice on the best way to have her email addressed removed from these dastardly diet-cake dealers.

When it comes to spam there is a Biblical solution which I like to call “the Jacob Switch” in honour of Jacob’s fine example of GAFCON ethics in Genesis 27. All this involves is convincing the person emailing you to in future send their junk to someone else: thereby passing on your spam “birthright” to somebody more deserving.

Putting this into practice is a two stage process. First, send your spammer an email advising you will shortly be changing your name on the orders of a federal protective agency. Advise that them that in future you are to be addressed as, for example, Jack Iker, and that sending correspondence to your previous name will constitute an offence under Homeland Security legislation, incurring significant penalties including prison. Don’t feel shy about adding emphasis to your point by including a few pictures of Megan Ambuhl or Lynndie England doing their bit for freedom.

This will be taken seriously by even the most dim-witted of spammers. Then, once mail starts arriving addressed to your new identity, send another post advising a change of email address – which will just happen to be the address of the person whose name you have adopted.

The end result of this unquestionably Biblical strategy is that you will no longer bothered by offers of Viagra or discount Colonic Irrigatio. Further, the degree of potential embarrassment to whoever you’ve named is substantial, since any history of indiscreetly purchasing a few frivolities, such as a lycra-spandex Boy Scout uniform, or latex Chasubles you may have will now be associated with your new identity – which if prominent enough will get tongues wagging faster than Charismatics praying under a full moon: “I’ve got this friend who worked at XYZ Internet Marketing while she was a student, and you’ll never guess what so-and-so’s record showed he bought…” Which is the kind of dirt that GAFCON church-growth thrives upon.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


June Butler said...

The Lady of Silences is, indeed, a sweet maiden. I have met her in real life. Actually, I dream of meeting you in real life one day, Fr Christian.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Oh, be still my sonorously beating heart!

When yearning for my admirers, and frustrated by the tyranny of distance between us, I always take comfort in knowing that one Blessed Day we shall all meet, since I will undoubtedly be seated at Our Lord's right hand judging the unrighteous on His behalf.

June Butler said...

I pray you judge me mercifully, Fr Christian. I'll send a check.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Christian,

A belated thank you for your excellent advice and pastoral concern. I've been on a bit of a holiday where the wireless service is spotty at best. While this unexpectedly has served as a temporary shield against email (spam and otherwise), I am thankful to know how to handle the problem once I return to wired civilization.

Thanks also to Grandmere Mimi for the kind words, although I must correct one small item. As sweet as I may be, "maiden" is not an accurate characterization of someone who has been spending her holidays sharing a bed with her beoloved husband. I will not explain further as this is a Godly place.

Thanks again for your prompt and thoughtful reply for my cry for help with unsolicited solicitations in my email boxes. I am going to do my best to redirect them to the Southern Cone.

I'll send you a check soon... after we pay off the holiday bills.

Yours truly,