Monday, July 14, 2008

Snake-Handling and GAFCON Believers

One should never rely too much on anything from the godless liberals at CNN. So my first reaction when reading about the arrest of a snake-handling pastor in Kentucky was mistrust. After all, how could anyone be sure this wasn’t just another media invention like the lie that Osama Bin Laden hasn’t been captured, or that peace hasn’t been restored in Iraq.

Once the story subsequently appeared on other news agencies not owned by men who have not shamelessly called Jane Fonda their wife, I realised that it was indeed correc. Government officials really have been persecuting a gentle country pastor who has simply dared to take the Bible seriously.

Now while I fully realise the minister in question was probably just a spittle-flecked (now that Father Jake’s is closed I feel duty-bound to use that expression occasionally for the sake of a fine reader from Mexico who enjoys it almost as much as I do) Baptist, this matter raises an important question for Anglicans with a similar respect for Biblical liturgy. After all, it’s common knowledge that many of the biggest names in GAFCON have enjoyed handling their snake in private for years.

And why shouldn’t they? Just as GAFCON Christians know the Scriptures teach unnatural urges are unnatural (even when they’ve come quite naturally to the person feeling them), so do we also know the Bible specifically states Believers have authority over their serpents. Which means that if anyone wants to take my snake they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

Rev. Doc Troll:

This post brought tears to my eyes. Truly I say unto you, you have outdone yourself! One word of caution however, snakes don't kill people, people do!

Robert said...

You are too much Rev. Doctor sir. I can't imagine anyone brave enough to try and pry your snake out of your hand. Although perhaps Evangelical Eric is just young and innocent enough to try!

Brother David said...

Revd. Dr. Troll, me thinks you revealed your hand with this last post.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My dear foreign lad: Out of pastoral duty I have often been called to reveal much more than just my hand to young believers such as yourself.

My dear Alaskan lad: I do believe Evangelical Eric has a mortal and deeply repressed fear of snakes. Brother Richthofen tells me he tried to show him his and the foolsh clergyman fainted again.

My dear Schwartz lad: Thank you for your kind words of wisdom: i must see about having them made into a bumper sticker for th eparish Hummer.

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr Troll. I am jealous. In England we are not well endowed with snakes, just the odd grass snake or earthworm.
Does Brother Richthofen have a huge asp?

susan s. said...

Dear Fr. Christian,

I must protest your assumption that the 'spittle-flecked' pastor is a Baptist. My sister who is a Baptist, so she doesn't lie, has specifically said that Baptists do not handle snakes or speak in tongues.

In point of fact the pastor in question is a 'Full Gospel Tabernacle' preacher, and they are always handling their snakes.

Anonymous said...

Their wine is the venom of serpents...(deut 32:33).

Leonard said...

Dr. Fr. Troll, I would, highly, and as your devoted follower/reader, suggest that you move your missionary zeal one Country further South than lovely Mejico and experience the deeper/truer thrust/bite of venemous creatures both in and outside of Church...and, if you really wanna take your life out of loving "hands" head down to Argentina for a quicker-the-one-eyed lunge with a really dangerous and venomous fanged old gloat!

It's best to go to Puerto Rico to handle snakes...they don't have any.

Leonard said...

Its more fun to crawl out of hell - its the journey baby, the journey.... Bring on the clowns !
rum and coca-cola

But does David Anderson know about this part of the journey/fight? You know, the part where he becomes the Nigerian Bishop without journey ni portfolio ( paycheck drawn on a Home Savings and Loan empire that also specializes in "insurance" of the non-spiritual/homophobic kind).

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"Popgun" Anderson (the boy never really was big enough for the title 'Canon') is currently a little shaken up at not making The Telegraph's list of the 50 most important Anglicans - although he has made several lists of the 50funniest anglicans, and is living proof that the most important theological ability of of all when it comes to getting ahead is the ability raise funds.

susan s. said...

Thank you R & CC, but I am old enough to take care of myself, and you need not apologize for me.