Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Princess Leia's Conservative Conjugal Bliss.

From a thread at Viagraville (sigh: where else?) following a really special piece by Dobby Ould (double-sigh: who else?) comes a few words of wisdom from a graduate of the Ike Turner School of Marital Counseling who likes to be known as “Jedinovice”. Which you’ve at least got to admit explains why Darth Vader developed so many problems a whole lot better than Star Wars Pt. 1 and those other two stupid prequels.
My wife was talking to a wife with marital difficulties. She made good suggestions to the woman in question. To each suggestion the retort was, 'I can’t do that. I have my pride.'
'Then you can eat your pride.' My wife said eventually. 'In marriage there is no such thing as pride. Where there is, there is no marriage'.
The natural order is unequal. Rights and Pride are impediments to salvation. Frankly they are impediments to marriage and family!
Since I can see you’ve all collapsed on the floor it’s probably best we leave things for now. Anyone who thinks the quote can’t possibly be genuine can read it here. If they must.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Oh what a tangled web we weave,,,

... when our Orders sworn we plan to leave.

A few hours ago a Beloved Sinner left a comment pointing us all to a fascinating post by a gentleman who, while not actually swimming the Tiber, has certainly donned his water wings and waded out further from the shore than could ever be considered healthy.

So fascinating was this post, in fact, that a few hours later our sacerdotal swimmer appears to have had second thoughts, and deleted the piece. Which is a great pity, since it contained an enthralling tale of how the trustees of a well-known Anglican organization donated £1 million to the Ordinariate (that's right My Sinners - One Million Pounds! Which is a whole lot of incense and man-lace in anybody's currency) before then themselves heading off for a spot of synchronized swimming.

Fortunately Brother Richthofen's friend from seminary is wise in the ways of something called "Google Cache", and by clicking here the original piece can still be accessed.

Under legal advice I'm not going to reproduce it here (and yes, I have saved a copy lest the cached version also vanish), but I can't urge My Sinners strongly enough to click here and marvel at the way little Bobby Duncan's tactics can work on both sides of the Atlantic. Or Tiber.

And thank you once again to Child of Light who drew my attention to this gem.

I'm Father Christian and you can give me £1 million anytime.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Sorry Charles.

"Revisionists will no doubt express various degrees of outrage at the emergence of the AMiE..."

Could be, Charles my boy, but so far all I've heard is schadenfreude and laughter. Which I've got to tell you (since, like most of your ilk, you're incapable of picking up subtleties unassisted), ain't with you.

I'm Father Christian, and my degrees are in the Bible

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Bible Truth is Out There.

Like any Conservative Biblical Leader, from time to time I also need to sit down and relax in the peaceful goodness of all the Lord’s gifts. Which is why there are few things I enjoy more after a hard day’s Ministry studying sin in all its manifold and lurid permutations than watching Youtube clips of people bashing the bejesus out of each other.

Indeed, there’s something about the earnest features of a sports enthusiast intent upon breaking noses, or the intelligent and compassionate gaze of a riot cop burying his baton in a young protestor’s dreadlocks, that always reminds what of what the Anglican Communion will be when we’ve finally got rid of all the Liberals, Disrespectful Women, Homosexualists, and People Who Think the Gospels Matter. (A list I often abbreviate for the sake of those home-schooled – or educated by Jensenists - to “People Who Think”.)

So it was, a few weeks ago, one evening while Bishop Quinine and I were enjoying a refreshing tankard of mescal and some mushrooms he’d picked in the woods, that we were perusing images of the recent Vancouver riots that it suddenly became clear there was something much deeper going on than just a few hockey aficionados giving new meaning to the term “losing gracefully”. Something Apostate Liberal Christians and their media lackeys didn’t want Bible-believers to know; something darker than anything any of us (except me, of course) had ever seen before. But what?

After another tankard and a few more mushrooms Bishop Quinine grew convinced it had something to do with a secret message in the hose scene from Battlefield Earth, but I knew the answer lay deeper. Casting my mind back to my vast knowledge of biblical proof-texts, the truth became suddenly clear as I recalled Deuteronomy 17:8-10:
“If there arise a matter too hard for thee in judgment, between blood and blood, between plea and plea, and between stroke and stroke, being matters of controversy within thy gates: then shalt thou arise, and get thee up into the place which the LORD thy God shall choose;
And thou shalt come unto the priests the Levites, and unto the judge that shall be in those days, and enquire; and they shall shew thee the sentence of judgment:
And thou shalt do according to the sentence, which they of that place which the LORD shall choose shall shew thee; and thou shalt observe to do according to all that they inform thee.”
Do you see, My Beloved Sinners? The real reason Vancouver’s young people were furious had nothing to with the Bruins trumping the Canucks 4-0: they were actually angry over what had been occurring at the same time as the game, or, as the Bible puts it, “between blood and blood, between plea and plea, and between stroke and stroke”. Which was something so terrible most of my Conservative Imitators were unable to report it - a jurisprudential outrage being wrought upon the little David Short and the few other True Christians north of the 49th parallel! The fine men and women overturning cars and smashing store windows weren’t just burning off excess hormones and obtaining merchandise at the most attractive discount of all, they were alerting the world to a gross injustice.

As the verse quoted above teaches, when an issue comes before any court which involves matters beyond the judge’s understanding, the Bible calls for matter to be referred to the Levite Priests, which was Old Testament terminology for Wise and Mature Biblical-Christian Leaders who Know Everything – men like Me, in other words. This is something of which the young people of Vancouver are all well aware, because I know for a fact that little Don Harvey has personally shared the Gospel with every single one of them. In spite of looking like a late middle-aged lesbian. After all, if he hadn’t do you really think he’d be flying around and telling the rest of the world how they’re doing everything wrong?

Having had their eyes opened to the Truth, these young people were quite rightly refusing to accept the decision of a court entirely lacking in authority when it comes to the question of stealing church property. That the real reason for their anger hasn’t been made public is hardly surprising given the octopus-like tentacles of the International Apostate Liberal Cabal, which have infiltrated and now control every aspect of the media. Including the home-shopping channel – you can’t honestly believe it’s just coincidence that they never ask me to demonstrate those machines guaranteed to give firmer hips and thighs, can you?

Unbelievers may laugh and mock, but now the Conspiracy has been exposed by My Superior Scriptural Scholarship Sinners everywhere can rest assured I’ll be campaigning to have this matter brought before the United Nations. What’s more, given Archbishop Okoh’s profound understanding of that institution (not to mention the respect for the Church he's inspired among U.N. employees) I’m certain he’ll feel honored to help.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Friday Afternoon Palate Cleanser [ON-TOPIC]

As one of My Liberal Imitators is frequently obsessed with oral hygiene, the Scriptures have guided me to start showing a little consideration for the fleshy interiors of My Beloved Sinners' mandibular regions.

Inspired by a wonderful piece of misleading advertising one of my regular commenters discussed, I’ve selected an appropriately entitled piece for the historic inauguration of this new ministry - watch out for the definitive conservative aphorism at 1:33.

I’m Father Christian and I care about your palatal tori.