Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Life in the Fullness of Schism

From the Ask Father Christian mailbox comes today’s classic example of the sad ignorance abounding as a result the Church’s failure to teach Christians how to benefit from the blessings of Schism.

Dear Fr Christian,

I joined the Facebook group, "I Want To Be Banned From GAFCON", but now I may want to attend the next gathering, since I have been asked to go on assignment to report on the conference for "Les Femmes Anglicannes d'un Certain Âge". I'm sure you've heard of the organization. We are a powerful force within the Anglican Communion. If I withdraw from the Facebook group immediately, do you think that I may be permitted to attend the next conference?

Yours respectfully,

Grandmère Mimi
This letter, which comes from the notorious author of Wounded Bird, whom I am proud to say has show tremendous repentance and growth as a resultant of my important GAFCON internet ministry, is the kind of thing that really breaks my cholesterol-basted heart. While showing a desire to make a wise and profitable decision, the poor woman has clearly been betrayed by her apostate bible-denying preachers, who have left her unequipped to reap the best of a truly blessed situation.

What every Teacher worth his salt should be drumming into their congregation’s heads is this: Real Conservative Christians never choose option A or option B - they choose them both! Just look at the historic Council of Jerusalem (no, not the one in Acts, the real one last week): Archbishop Akinola hates colonialism and Westerners, but then he lets Martyn Minns and Little Pete Jensen do all his writing, talking, and what in that company passes for thinking. Similarly, as a Puritan, Little Pete hates Anglo-Catholics, but he happily supports John-David Schofield and the Forward in Faith squad. And we all know which members of that group speak out against Sodomy, but don’t think twice about hitching up their cassocks and miming to Liza Minnelli. As these GAFCON leaders prove, it’s entirely possible for Biblical Christians to have their cake and eat it, although in the last case they probably take that a little too literally.

In just the same way then, our dear penitent Grandmère should remain a member of her Facebook group, but also attend the next GAFCON ‘pilgrimage’ as a representative of whoever she can persuade to pay for her first-class ticket and five-star accommodation (never compromise your standards when others are paying). In so doing you’ll be keeping entirely true to the whole spirit of everything GAFCON stands for.

And incidentally, don’t worry about anyone at the next ‘pilgrimage’ taking the banning thing seriously. I can assure you none of the Focas will give it a moment’s thought. What with all the young ladies showing their breasts on Facebook, there’s no way Big Pete and his security goons will ever get around to looking at a group of Christians splitting hairs about theological trivialities like acceptance and inclusivity. Not when there’s a whole internet’s worth of amateur porn to get through first.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the bible.


Robert said...

OMG! We can have our cake and eat it too? I'm VERY disappointed that you have not shared this with us before. Important Biblical teaching like this should not be hidden from us poor ignorant students! Why should GAFCON get to have all the fun alone?

June Butler said...

Oh, Fr Christian, thank you! I don't know how I ordered my life before I discovered you. You are a veritable fount of wisdom. Henceforth, I will make no major life decisions without first seeking your advice, be it about the faith handed down or secular matters. I'm sending another donation. I won't eat for a few days, until my SS check arrives, but that is a small thing.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Madam Mimi:
There's really no need to go without food: simply find your way along to the nearest liberal parish - any bunch of wishy-washy soft-hearted apostates will do - and explain to them how you were led astray by me. Make sure to stress that you've now seen the error of your ways, and that you don't want money but just food, so any wariness they might have will be immediately dispelled.

As a result they'll not only give you more than enough to eat, but in their pity (fuelled no doubt by a dislike for the GAFCON meat of my teachings) they'll probably also give you money, despite your initial request that they don't. This should be forwarded to me at once, without your supporters knowing what you've done. With practice you'll soon find you never need to buy groceries again, as you work your way around all the weak, caring and generous congregations in your area.

June Butler said...

Excellent, Fr Christian. I'll head there today. And I had forgotten about the food pantry. There's always that.

BTW, it's kind of you to use such a polite form of address to your female correspondents, unlike other male bloggers that I know.