J. Mark Brewer – Last Year’s Man

Choosing Mr. GAFCON 2008 hasn’t been an easy task, given that pompous self-righteousness hasn’t been this popular since Boniface VIII proclaimed that it “is absolutely necessary for salvation that every human creature be subject to the Roman pontiff.”

Yet one man has clearly stood apart from the crowd, making him the obvious choice. No, he’s not an Anglican, but that didn’t stop countless others from attaining GAFCON distinction in 2008 (just look at Archbishop Jensen). Nor is he even a clergyman (ditto, and add little John-David Schofield), and despite his protestations to the contrary he’s certainly not a Christian book-seller (just as any former SPCK employee), but there’s no denying J. Mark Brewer has during the past year plumbed new depths when it comes to applying GAFCON ethics to everyday life.

Not only did Mark manage to embrace financial ruin at least six months ahead of the rest of the world, but in managing to extract at least £750,000 in management charges from the murdered SPCK cadaver displayed an initiative worthy of one of 2008’s other brightest stars, Bernie Madoff.

Yet Mr. Brewer’s financial acumen is only the start of a long list of reasons he is so worthy of accolade. Not only did he display the compassion and restraint of such a luminary as L. Ron Hubbard in the zeal with which he threatened action against those questioning his right to do what ever the hell he wanted to, nor only did he display the charming narcissism of an Akinola or a Duncan in asking – on the eve of a former employee’s memorial service – if those hurt by what the Brewer’s had done to SPCK were “feeling elated”, but he even showed no qualms about misleading the court in the course of attempting to wriggle out of paying such irritating trivialities as staff entitlements.

No, 2008 proved J. Mark Brewer almost as great a Christian minister as he is bankruptcy lawyer, and the fact that a United States Bankruptcy Judge ordered him to undergo further training (including a course in ethical behaviour) should in now way be construed as an indication of anything tantamount to incompetence or dishonesty in Mark’s character. Just ask Houston voters about his integrity back in 2000 - and this was before St. Stephen the Great gave him a vision for asset stripping ministering through English religious bookshops.

There’s no doubt we’ll see a great deal more of J. Mark Brewer on the internet in the coming year, even if he is wearing an orange jumpsuit and advertising for pen-pals (”Hi: my hobbies include sending SLAPP suits, defrauding the UK Commissioner of Charities, and claiming I’m being persecuted by bloggers.)” For those who can’t wait until then to hear more from Mr. GAFCON 2008, however, this site is always good for the latest details concerning our hero.

Otherwise, if you're really eager to draw nearer to the brains behind the SPCK fiasco, I’m proud to present the ultimate opportunity: Mark’s firm Brewer & Pritchard are currently recruiting, and online applications are being accepted here. Clearly having little or no understanding of the law is no drawback, and this coming Sunday I’ll be encouraging my entire congregation to apply. In fact, since the application invites candidates to send a sample of their writing, I may well even have a shot myself. Does everyone think this post will be sufficient? I’ve always fancied my self as a lawyer ever since seeing those unisex toilets in Ally McBeal.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Brewer's Discover Priorities

Sadly it's no wonder the Brewer's are having problems: a comment one of them (or perhaps a "friend" - although that's unlikely since there's good reason to believe they don't have any) left on a homily of mine from the first week of August suggests they're really not keeping up with things.

The "Anonymous" comment was as follows:

Pretty hypocritical remarks. Why don't you care about the fact that every-time you fill up with gas in the UK, you have to walk by soft porn.

Why don't you care about this indecency? I suppose that it is easier to attack someone attempting to good, rather than attempting to do some good yourself.

Critics are always right. You don't ever have to do anything yourself to be a critic. Just criticize others.

First let me say that I was unaware selling gas had somehow been incorporated into Christian ministry. Clearly it's not just questionable Texan lawyers who are leading the way when it comes to innovativly merging Gospel ministry with peddling anything that turns a buck.

This said, I must stress my offence at the suggestion that I am uncaring with regard to this indecency. On the contrary, I am both shocked and appalled. My local gas stations offer nothing more than a variety of petroleum-based fuels, junk food and candy, and cigarettes - all products everyone must agree have never harmed anyone, and all perfectly suitable for children. That the British have a further option of magazines featuring unclad men and women is outrageous! If they want to purchase this sort of thing they should visit the Third Space Bookshop and get it from a "Christian" source.

Finally, your comments about critics are well founded and accurate. Only those who've undertaken real work - such as attempting to mislead a Houston court, or asset=stripping an important community resource - understand what doing good is really about. Besides: if all those people complaining about not being paid were honestly doing it rough they would be selling their private light aircraft, just like poor Phil Brewer is. Next thing people will be suggesting employees have some sort of right to be be paid for their work.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Never Plead Guilty

Sometimes the world’s evil can even get too much for someone as faithful as me. It’s not an everyday occurrence, but when it does happens you can be sure that the cause has been something truly terrible.

In this instance the shock was so great it even caused my dear computer to be succumb to some sort of malaise – undoubtedly the work of satanic liberals – which resulted in me being unable to wish my dear disciple Pierre Happy Birthday for the 13th. My dear man, please accept my deepest apologies for this dreadful rudeness: I have commandeered a replacement lap-top from a local retailer (Christians live in a war against evil, and in war time it’s perfectly acceptable for a righteous soldier to requisition the necessary supplies – albeit at gunpoint if necessary) and can assure everyone I’m unbowed in the face of this attack, and sincerely hope our dear friend enjoyed a wonderful day regardless of my failure to more punctually bestow the appropriate blessings.

The cause of the shock is simple but tragic: J. Mark Brewer has entered a plea of guilty! Naturally he’s left himself a little wriggle room, but not much by GAFCON standards, and this all goes to show that if the liberals and their apostate ideas of honesty, integrity and transparency can get to Mark they can get to just about anyone except me.

The shock of this tragedy is almost too much for words: as readers will know I was preparing a most imaginative reference for Mark to present as proof of his innovative character and ethics, and I had already contacted the court to explain how generous I believe Brewer & Pritchard would be if the judge felt a little economic incentive (nothing as crass as a “bribe”, although I believe the term might be accurate) would help smooth things over - but now in a moment clearly indicative of tremendous spiritual attack, Mark has compromised everything I’ve ever tried to teach him. Next he’ll be claiming people have some sort of God-given obligation to speak out against dishonest lawyers, bogus charities and incompetent businessmen. He needs our prayers, if only because I'm worried he may find a court-ordered course in professional legal ethics extremely difficult.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Philip Brewer - Showing Amazon How it's Done

When it comes to Christian “ministries” selling porn, they don’t come finer than J. Mark Brewer and his SSG/Third Space Books “charity. As I’ve said before, if you’re after whackin’ material he’s your man, which is more than can be said for your average insolvent Orthodox Christian bookseller.

Lesser known, however, is that his little brother Philip is actually managing this remarkable venture into the world retailing. Fans of the Brewer and Pritchard style of business expertise will be relieved to learn that Philip is every bit as creative as J. Mark. Just take, for example, a marvellous “All Shops Memo” Philip asked everyone to post on August 16th.

So fine an application of Christian principles to the world of business is this document that I can’t encourage people strongly enough to tell everyone they know to see it for themselves at http://spckssg.wordpress.com/2008/08/24/philip-brewer-says-immediately-post-this/#memo. Send the link to your friends: from the little touches like forbidding chairs so that staff have to spend their entire working day on their feet (point 13) to the inspiring confusion of commercial trade with charitable donations (point 4) - thereby creating a scenario I’ve no doubt the Commissioner for Charities will find as imaginative as his colleagues in the Taxation Office – Philip Brewer proves himself every bit his brother’s equal.

The true brilliance of Philip’s business acumen, however, is displayed in an even greater development. Despite Third Space Books actually being nothing more than an Amazon affiliate page operating as a frame inside an html template, point 5 instructs staff to claim that “we have hired Amazon to ship their order” after walking them through a nice little trick that leaves the Brewer’s with unfettered access to customer’s credit card details and Amazon password.

Sure, this goes against Amazon’s affiliate terms, but what are minor details like these when we’re talking about the Brewer’s Mission and Charity? No doubt Amazon will be delighted to know of Philip’s creativity, and I have already emailed to let them know of these initiatives on their behalf, since I’m certain they’ll be most eager to reward him appropriately.

Even better, add your voice to my call for Amazon to recognize Philip’s exciting new approach to their customer security protocols. Just go to the Amazon contact page here and tell them all about them. Make sure you include a link to Philip’s memo so the team at Amazon can see exactly what’s being done in their name, and don’t be shy about thanking them for allowing SSG/Third Space to hire them as a delivery service. Given the wonderful degree of respect the Brewer’s have for their customers and staff it’s the least any of us can do to thank them.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Sympathy for the Brewer.

“If you can’t say something nice about a person don’t say anything at all.” That’s what my dear mother told the magistrate just prior to her final sentencing, and I’ve never forgotten the power of her words, although sadly they fell on liberal atheist ears and she received 25 years to life. Even though I was just a small child at the time, and until then had no comprehension of the way unbelievers have so little respect for important church-leadership principles like extortion, I knew that my mother’s teaching would serve as a faithful guide for the rest of my life.

Which is why I always enjoy discussing J. Mark Brewer. Try as I might it’s impossible for me to find something unpleasant to say about him, since it’s clear that despite the difficulties which have forced Mark to seek bankruptcy for his St Stephen the Great Charitable Trust he’s still managing to ensure charity begins at home.

For all the details of Mark Brewer’s brilliance it’s probably best to read things for yourself here, Certainly, there's not many people who can manage to squeeze $111,092.36 for themselves (in return for “legal services rendered”) out of a business that’s going nowhere, as well as paying a further $75,338.07 to their own charity.

Of course this doesn’t take into account any of the anguish which I’m sure Mark is feeling over the $494,097.55 he claims is still owed to his deserving foundation, nor the outstanding balance of £56,000 owed to Mark’s law firm. Yet despite this terrible injustice Mark hasn’t uttered so much a single cry of pain, but has instead simply asked (out of modest humility, I’m certain) that people don’t discuss his suffering. (Alright, so he didn’t so much “ask” as “demand” – but how can anyone criticize a man who’s given so much, and has yet to receive so much more?). In the light of all this the complaints by those who have yet to receive their wages and benefits should be seen in an entirely new perspective, as I’ve no doubt Mark himself would be the first to say.

No; were she still with us I’ve no doubt my late mother would love and admire Mark Brewer as much as I do, and be appalled at the way people continue to shine a spotlight on his financial affairs. Just because a charity running a chain of Christian book shops in the UK managed in under 12 months to accumulate a debt to a US-based private grant making foundation in excess $800,000 is no reason to accuse the chain’s owner of incompetency. Especially not when the US foundation is registered to that owner’s address, and his own name is listed as an alternative name under which the nonprofit organization does business.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Peddling Smut for Jesus with J. Mark Brewer

An astute reader left a comment on an earlier post suggesting that purchasing a book through Mark Brewer’s Third Space Books online facility reveals the internet’s favourite litigant now owns Amazon.

Naturally I checked this claim, and sure enough after clicking the “Proceed to checkout” button I was forwarded to Amazon, where my transaction was concluded. Indeed, since Amazon also has a history of causing the closure of small community focused book-sellers the match seemed seemed logical.

Yet further investigation revealed that Amazon remains a viable business, and their employees are all being paid. Neither have they to my knowledge recently sent any “Cease & Desist” emails, so perhaps rumours of a J. Mark Brewer takeover are incorrect. More likely the two have just formed a simple symbiotic relationship which frees SPCK’s new owner from such burdens as carrying stock, or hiring staff – or all the other nuisances involved in running a bookshop.

Certainly, Mark Brewer’s new range includes titles the old SPCK would have never dreamed of carrying: as just two screenshots from my most stimulating morning’s shopping reveal:





Clearly Orthodoxy J. Mark Brewer style is a whole lot more fun that anyone realised, and I must commend the SSG trust for recognizing that they’ll make more selling copies of "Sinful Sex: The Uninhibited Guide to Erotic Pleasure” (another title that caught my eye this morning) than they can ever hope to get from “Great Beards of Byzantium” or whatever it is that’s usually topping the Orthodox bookseller’s charts. Sure the Venerable Orthodox Arch-Primate of Houston (or whoever the clergyman that banks Mark’s tithes is) might have a few problems with “Solitary Wicca for Life: A Complete Guide to Mastering the Craft on Your Own”, and make sure his medication is handy when he sees “Up All Night: Adventures in Lesbian Sex” - “In the tradition of the very finest erotic best-sellers...”. Yet any true GAFCON Christian will instantly understand that the potential profits more than justify any apparent moral hypocrisy.

As I’m quite certain Mark Brewer would publically deny, in the end it’s all about the money. Now please excuse me, as Consuella and I must practise the position on page 37 in one of our new purchases.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Poor Mark Brewer - He's not Dave Walker.

Despite operating the best little lawhouse in Texas, J. Mark Brewer is a man in pain. As he’s said himself, he’s a private person, and the multitude of insufferable bloggers daring to question his creative commitment to free speech and business management must be bringing him to tears almost as great as those who invested in a previous Mark Brewer project: the innovative dot.com BidLaw, which looks like it resulted in the world’s first Google click-farm to cost a million dollars – I won’t provide a link to that site because I’m sure Mark would hate everyone surging over there and boosting his Adsense income by clicking on such legally-related topics as “Laser Welding on eBay” – but if anyone’s really interested just Ask Father Christian.

Perhaps because he’s unable to afford my fees - which are coincidentally the same as those of Steve Stockman, who Mark engaged as a consultant few years back, and who's been unkindly described elsewhere as a “nut” (Why shouldn’t congress have passed a bill investigating the Kinsey reports?) – Mr. Brewer has so far not replied to my offers of help. Still, he can be assured that Father Christian is standing by to support him the moment he engages my services. And pays for them in cash, in advance, since the following open letter from Pauline Edwards originally posted as an unsolicited comment here, makes me just the teensiest bit nervous Mark mightn’t have been in class the day they taught Deuteronomy 24:15 at Oral Roberts University.

Mr Brewer,
Could you tell me please, why you told a fellow worker, that their job was safe, and it was o.k. to take their first mortgage out to buy a house. The fellow worker trusted you, after asking you a few times. That fellow worker has took the biggest debt ever, on your assurance, and was only in there new home 2 days, when they were sacked by email, and left this person with no wages to pay their first mortgage payment.
Does this ring a bell Mr Brewer?

In fact here’s another open letter flying around which people have the temerity to think that as a self-professed Christian Mark is under some obligation to answer:

Dear Mr Brewer,
This is neither to be defamatory nor vile. I must simply remind you that in February of this year you failed to attend a meeting that you arranged with my wife, among others. You did not attempt to contact her or any of the other participants instead you chose to be in Cambridge and on the television. I spoke to you at the Cambridge shop to acertain your presence there.
How can you complain of the vile and defamatory language, which I confess I have failed to spot, when your own rudeness is so noticeable and hurtful. I hope to meet you again at my wife’s tribunal hearing and, of course, I continue to pray for you and the booksellers who once so faithfully served the Lord through their commitment to their customers.
Yours in Christ,
Eric

Sadly I fear the pressure could be getting to dear Mark, since I’ve just been forwarded an email he sent to someone in Australia, of all places, which was headed “So you want to send threats to bloggers' victims?” and said nothing but “I am Mark Brewer. Always have been. Always will be.” If living with that isn’t more than any man can bear, what is?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

J. Mark Brewer: Still Seeking to Serve Dave Walker

I have no doubt that J. Mark Brewer is a man after my own heart, as well as any other body parts for which he might be able to obtain a reasonable price. Having previously discussed his important ministry of sending threatening ‘Cease and Desist’ letters, it brings me great joy to see this brave Texan lawyer is expanding his ministry of trying to silence and intimidate any bloggers daring to question his management of the historic Christian booksellers SPCK – questions like “Will everyone get paid?” or “What’s happened to staff pension funds?”, which no Bible-believer of J. Mark Brewer’s standing should ever be expected to bother answering.

In fact so insulting has the pressure from former SPCK staff and their disreputable supporters become that he’s been forced to send some very serious letters indeed – one to someone who has the gall to be raising funds to support those whom Mark’s management skills have left unemployed (if God didn’t want them and their families to starve why would Mark have dismissed them?); and one to a clergyman who’s so obviously misguided he appears to think justice and fair-business practices have something to do with Christian ministry.

It’s in the letters J. Mark Brewer sent to this second troublemaker that our fine wealthy lawyer’s pain becomes so clear. As Mark so heartrendingly cries, he is “… a private individual and I value my privacy. I am not a public figure…” - it’s this humble love of simple privacy that has drawn him to become a high-profile attorney and prominent businessman, as well as to post a whole page of pictures of himself on the internet here.

Indeed, anyone doubting Mark’s compassionate heart must surely admit their error when confronted with this moving account from the Washington Times of his representation on behalf of two men appealing against their conviction for shooting a foreigner in the buttocks. I’m sure Mark put it much more eloquently than I can, but what kind of society have we become where this is against the law? And isn’t it reassuring to know we have men like J. Mark Brewer fighting for the right for gunmen to continue courageously shooting people in the rear?

No, on the basis of all that I’ve seen of the man I can heartily endorse J. Mark Brewer and his firm Brewer & Pritchard in every way. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve tried calling Mark to personally give him my support, since his web site generously displays his number - (713) 209-2950, but he was obviously a little snowed under today, since the secretaries were unable to put me through. If I can’t speak to him soon I’ll send a fax - (713) 659-5302, as it’s important in times like these for a man to know just how the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher feels about him. And since his number is publically displayed on the web I’m sure he’s placed it there as invitation for others to offer him their support also, or to seek his professional services with regard to any buttocks you may have shot, or employees you don’t wish to pay - or even if you’d like advice on how to acquire a centuries-old firm, strip its assets and then declare it insolvent - as the website says; Mark's firm “has broad experience”.

As I’m blessed with the gift of Profound Spiritual Awareness, as well as an ability to track IP addresses, I believe that Mark (or someone from his office) has recently visited here, and I’ve no doubt they’ll be soon back again to benefit from my immense wisdom. Consequently I’d also like to take this opportunity to assure Mark in advance that any correspondence he may send me will be made public for public edification and amusement, and that any attempt on his part to communicate with me by any means whatsoever will be construed as an acceptance of my proviso.

Finally, a touching quote from J. Mark Brewer’s own web site – one which clearly sums up his personal creed:

“Like other business people, lawyers exist in a competitive world. They must be willing to withstand the scrutiny of those whom they serve and those whom they seek to serve.”

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Mark Brewer: Responding to Dave Walker

Mark Brewer, the new owner of British Christian bookshop chain SPCK, is a man who knows his Bible. While Deuteronomy 25:5 might forbid one from muzzling oxen while they work, he’s well aware that the Scriptures say nothing to prevent muzzling those who dare to blow the whistle on any tricks one tries while chasing a dollar - at least not the when you read them the way he does. Consequently he’s has called in his legal boys to deal with cartoonist/blogger Dave Walker.

As faithful Christians know, I like to keep abreast of what there is to see on the internet, and while looking for a breast or two I often peruse Mr. Walker’s Church Times Blog and Cartoon Church, where I'm disappointed to say I've never seen anything of a salacious or lewd nature.

What I have found, however, is a series of terrible posts which you can read for yourself here. Like Mark, I believe these shocking documents can be mistakenly construed as implying there’s something wrong with corporate mismanagement, dismissing people from their jobs by email, not paying your debts, forcing people to work for nothing, stripping the assets of a charity, and generally acting like a proud graduate of Oral Roberts University – which, incidentally, Mark Brewer happens to be. As I’m sure anyone who looks into this matter and reads Dave Walker’s posts will agree, throwing money at lawyers to send cease and desist letters is unquestionably the only appropriate response for any Bible-Believing Christian who finds some nosy blogger getting in-between them a great big pile of hot sweaty lucre.

Since I feel such a burden for Mark Brewer’s terrible pain, and because he’s so clearly a GAFCON kind of guy, I’m urging my staff, entire congregation, and innumerable internet followers to follow the example set by another fine blogger who’s concerned for Mark, and send him an email at brewer@bplaw.com.

Put whatever you feel led to say in the subject field (varying the subject line makes it harder for your message to be blocked before Mr. Brewer has a chance to be blessed by your words of support), but be sure to make the message field read “I AM ALSO DAVE WALKER”.

In fact, why not show Mark how much you really care by sending him this message a number of times? And even better, tell everyone you know to send him an email as well. Since he enjoys sending unsolicited messages so much, he’s bound to appreciate receiving them in return.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.