Monday, June 30, 2008

First GAFCON Schism Occurs!

Dear Sinners – today finds the World’s Foremost Doctrinal Warrior breathless with excitement as I announce with great joy that the FIRST SCHISM BETWEEN THE GAFCON BIBLE-BELIEVING FAITHFUL HAS OFFICIALLY OCCURRED!!

Yes, this monumental event has already taken place – while the dirty sheets at the Jerusalem Renaissance Hotel are still warm and sticky – and as you can well imagine Father Christian is right at the heart of things!

The reasons behind this exciting development are simple: after seeing Little Pete Jensen had managed to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes I immediately went to the Sydney diocese web pages with the intention of offering them my services (for an appropriate fee, of course) as an internationally respected Biblical-scholar and Pastor. Naturally they require one first register before participating in discussions, which was a pleasing sign: it’s always encouraging to find suspicion and exclusivity playing a key role in the life of a Christian institution. Then, after humbly filling in my online application like an ordinary common-or-garden believer (I may be the world’s most discerning exegete, but I am by no means a vain man) I was told to wait for their approval!

Now normally I don’t wait for anyone, since God has clearly anointed me as more important than others. Still, realising I was dealing with Sydney, and whichever Jensen has the job of being in charge of these things probably had to run off and find an older cousin able to read and check everything was correct, I was prepared to provide an edifying example of patience. Therefore Christians everywhere will understand my complete disgust when I received the outrageous response, presented here in full!
Christian Troll,

We're sorry but our staff has decided not to validate your membership.
THAT’S IT!!! In an email headed “Your membership account has been declined” this was all the information these jumped-up sons of kangaroos had the nerve to provide! No name (alright, it’s a certainty the sender’s family name is “Jensen”, but that’s not the point); no explanation of why they should have so insulted the wisest Christian in history; not even an attempt to address me by my PROPER TITLES!!

There can be no turning back from this point: it is impossible for faithful Bible-believing Christians to remain in Communion with these godless apostate sons of the harlot of Babylon, and I hereby issue the first formal notice of GAFCON schism:
St. Onuphrius Ichabod Springs, a parish of the Northernmost Southern Cone under the oversight of the Bishop of Molvania acting in fellowship with Bishop Kunonga of Zimbabwe, is now officially in schism with the (formerly) Anglican Diocese of Sydney Australia (aka 'Jensenville'). Unless the Jensenites formally repent and return to the Bible's teachings (in addition to paying the St. Onuphrius’ Vicar Superior appropriate compensation for the harm caused by their wickedness) there can be no common ground on which we can consider ourselves able to meet and pray together.
Yes; while there will be many such divisions occurring among the GAFCON faithful in the days ahead, we can all rejoice that I am the first to split, and you, sinful reader, have been so blessed as to be able to share in this historic moment.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

14 comments :

Father David Heron said...

It is obvious that the numerous Jensens will never accept a Troll into their midst since your learning and erudition reflects badly on their exegetical ignorance.
Psalm 118 v 22 "The stone which the builders rejected has become the main cornerstone"
That's you Rev Dr Troll!
Next time I'm in Ichabod Springs I'm coming to your place for communion. (Solidarity, my friend)
The Jensenites are to be pitied, as they look down on everyone else. Their favourite text is "I thank God I am not like other men" (i.e a puff) Luke 18 v10

Erika Baker said...

"The Jensenites are to be pitied, as they look down on everyone else. Their favourite text is "I thank God I am not like other men" (i.e a puff) Luke 18 v10"

Quite! When we all know that only our beloved Father Christian can claim this as his favourite text with righteousness.

+clumber said...

Father Christian,

First, let me congratulate you on your new blog header. It's an outstanding bit of graphic art that graces your online presence. What on earth or in heaven inspired you?

Second, this endeavor of yours to register with the Brothers Grimm of Australia may be the spark that those of us who registered and requested to be banned by GAFCON (the pilgrimage) need to pursue to alleviate the uncertainty of that official ban. In your opinion, could we take a banning by the Jensens as equivalent to a GAFCON (the pilgrimage) ban?

Yours in plunder and schism,
+clumber

Grandmère Mimi said...

So I'll need to make a choice, then. Perhaps you should disregard the question that I sent in last night.

The schism was bound to come, but I'm not at all surprised that you were the first to make your departure. No one can say that you're not a leader.

Off topic, but perhaps one day you could give us a brief biography of St. Onuphrius. I can't seem to find him in the lists of saints. He's not even in Wiki. Or is he a she?

jcd said...

I'll bet that St Onuphrius is the patron saint of domestic help, and most definitely a she

Aghaveagh said...

According to Butler's Lives of the Saints, St. Onophrius (aka Onophrios or Humphrey, from Egyptian Wen-nefer, "always good")) was an obscure fourth-century Egyptian heremitic monk who was clothed only a bush about the midriff and his own abundant (albeit matted) hair, owing to his tonsorial neglect for several decades, and so became the patron saint of weavers. His feast day is June 12.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Confession: I didn't really look the saint up. I thought his was a made-up name. Agha, you are absolutely right, and my dishonesty is exposed.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! for my fib, Fr Christian. Please absolve me.

Robert said...

Well I'm not surprised by this turn of events at all dear Fr. Christian. I always knew you were a leader and one who strives to be first in all things. Once again you are leading the way for the rest of us wandering sheep.

Lisa Fox said...

Grandmère Mimi said... The schism was bound to come, but I'm not at all surprised that you were the first to make your departure.

Beloved Mimi, you know better. He didn't leave the GaffeProne; they left him.

Grandmère Mimi said...

He didn't leave the GaffeProne; they left him.

Lisa, AAARRRGH! I know that you mean well, but even in the name of righteous behavior, I can't take that phraseology. I have heard it too many times. It's positively loaded! My head explodes.

Father David Heron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Father Heron:
Consider yourself welcome anytime you feel like visiting. Your kind words bring comfort and healing in the face of this grievous insult from the apostate.

Madam Erika:
It's not quite my favorite verse, since the Scripture's most inspiration passages are generally found in the Old Testament and involve smiting and the shedding of blood (or nakedness and diseases of the skin), but you're quite correct in recognising it as a text which speaks directly to my heart.

Bishop Clumber:
by special dispensation as the World's Greatest Bible Teacher I can indeed state that being banned by the Jensens is equal to any of the world's greatest rejections. And besides, it's clearly so easy to accomplish: simply email them, explaining that you believe in the Bible and are in close fellowship with Faather Christian Troll, and hey presto, they start singing "All Hail the Name of Jesus" and slam the door shut. Instant gratification for any Bible-believing Christian.

Thank you for noticing my new Banner. When I realised the Jerusalem GAFCON fellows hadn't registered it as their trademark I immediately instructed my lawyers to move quickly, and we are now negotiating appropriate royalties from those who thought hey could use something similar without the precaution of registering their graphics.

Madam Mimi et al:
Aside from his predilection for extremely attractive clothing, St. Onuphrius is also the Patron Saint of Lawyers, and as such an important figure for all GAFCON leaders. I must confess his day entirely slipped my mind the other week: like most leading figures in the Communion I am currently far too busy to bother with such trivial matters as personal piety. Besides, there’s always next year.

Concerning your sin of deception (itself indicatie of the more serious sin of mistrusting the Lord’s Anointed leader), because I am in a particularly cheerful mood as a result of our Schism I generously forgive you, and assure you that, in time providing I instruct him to, that the Lord will also forgive you.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

BTW Madam Mimi: Your plea for advice is extremely timely, and I intend addressing it tomorrow. In the meantime for goodness sake don't do anything hasty: the true GAFCON believer never closes a door until they're certain they've taken all the silverware on the other side - which is precisely why little John-David Schofield didn't just jumped ship and swim for Rome.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, thank you for the absolution. I'm sure God's forgiveness will follow.

On the other matter, I will do nothing until I receive further instructions from you.