The best way of telling if the Bible is being taught correctly is to see if evil-doers respond by trembling in anguish (Exodus 15:14). Consequently there can be no doubt that I am indeed the Anglican world’s greatest Bible teacher, since from the dark voodoo heart of the evil sultry south even notorious Priestesses come in penitence seeking advice:
Dear Father Christian,Please understand that I haven’t allowed this profanity to be posted with any intention of causing those of you who are all far weaker in faith than me to stumble, although those who do happen to stumble as a result of her obscenity will find me happy to consider asking for your sins to be forgiven, providing, of course you beseech me appropriately. Nor, I must hasten to add, did I actually type this foul language myself, since I merely cut-and pasted it from her email, which means I am myself free of any sin in this regard – although having read it the same cannot be said for any of you, and you should all be truly ashamed of yourselves.
As you know, I have a blog. Lest you believe me hopelessly lost, I want you to know that I have standards for what I permit on my blog. Although I NEVER use the word myself, on occasion, I use a quote or a video with the word "fuck" in it. Would this fall into the category of mortal sin, requiring formal confession and absolution? Must I then never allow the word on my blog again, if I want to remain in a state of grace?
The reason that I am doubtful about this is that the Bible contains quite a few - how shall I put it? - naughty words, and I thought perhaps it might not be sinful to allow the word on my blog, just so I NEVER SAID IT MYSELF! If you could find it in your heart to advise me, although you probably view me as a dreadful heretic, I will be forever grateful. I might even send a donation.
That’s because of all the sins with which humans taunt our almighty God swearing is truly the most abominable. Murder, rape, torture: all of these count for nothing in comparison with the wicked, wicked practice of saying rude words. Perhaps the best teacher on this subject other than myself is the great George Whitefield, whose sermon The Heinous Sin of profane Cursing and Swearing. summarises the Scripture’s position almost as well as I do.
Indeed, George Whitefield's firm stance against this terrible sin set a fine example for any modern GAFCON Christian. So faithfully loving was Whitefield that it is reported he ensured – by means of the whip if necessary – not a single foul word ever escaped the lips of any of the many slaves he owned in the course of his exemplary Christian life and ministry.
So Madam Grandmère – the answer is plain: it is a sin. Don’t try weaselling your way out of guilt – you’ve committed a terrible, evil, soul-smiting sin – rank, festering and adjectively pustulent. The only hope is that you repent – displaying your remorse with full credit to me on Wounded Bird - a blog which I must confess to reading as part of my call to be aware of the sin in the world, and one upon which I would quite fancy to see myself smiling down at the countless wanton women whom I enjoy imagining frequent the seething pages.
And of course: don’t forget to send a donation. I’ll soon have a Pay-Pal link just like Stand Firm - so there’ll be absolutely no excuse for you to not record every credit card number you can find (going through people’s rubbish at night is a good way to obtain dozens of perfectly useful numbers) and run up large donations in support of my important work saving the Anglican Communion by tearing it in two.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.