Saturday, June 28, 2008

True GAFCON Success.

As I’ve said before it’s been a busy week, but a successful one for the real GAFCON mission here in Ichabod Springs. We’ve had over a thousand new faces through our clutches parish, some of whom actually attended of their own volition. Naturally my apostate liberal bishop is delighted at that his treasonous clergy will return from their Jerusalem pilgrimage to find their congregations non-existent. Even the properties I arranged to accidentally burn down have not proved unnecessarily upsetting a matter to him, particularly since a few weeks ago I had the foresight to take out additional insurance on the buildings in the diocese’s name, naturally naming him as the beneficiary.

In gratitude our bishop has promised me a new Curate, so I’ll soon be putting my feet up and taking things easy again. After our last four Curates died in unfortunately mysterious circumstances the Cathedral had refused to assign me any more, but all that’s a thing of the past now. Success changes everything.

This is something my namesakes in Jerusalem just can’t grasp. If they would only understand that preaching to those who already agree with you is never going to get you more than you already have. It’s the sinners who disagree with you that must be grabbed by the scruff of their necks and shaken until the contents of their wallets – and also their souls if you’re pious enough to care about such trivialities – are set free.

If Big and Little Pete, and Nowhere in Faith (or whatever they’re called this week), David Vitriol and young Kendall who’s always copying him, and the foreigners pretending to be British Evangelicals, and all the other groups with names comprising random combinations of upper-case letters, would only realise that while it’s perfectly acceptable to hate apostates, liberals and people who have sex in ways that you can’t stop thinking about when alone in bed at night, instead of complaining about them, one needs to get them into one’s church and force them to live differently. Everything else is just a waste of time. Certainly this might involve physical restraint and the strategic use of pain, but I never cease to be amazed at how rarely things need to be taken to extremes. More and more often I find all it takes is for Brother Richthofen and his fine young friends from Seminary to have a little word to newcomers of a “different” persuasion, and before you can say “Barbra Streisand” everyone’s laughing, and enjoying themselves.

At this rate I fully expect to one day control the church that my namesakes have their church inside a church inside. And then won’t Bishop Duncan and his grumpy little band of talkers-not-doers be surprised to find themselves inside old Rev. Dr. Troll! Unquestionably they’ll enjoy the experience a lot more than they could currently imagine.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Father David Heron said...

Dear Father
My own Bishop (N.T Wright) is a distinguished exegete like yourself.
In his most recent exercise in self-promtion -er, sorry, spreading the Gospel,- he explained Armegeddon on the Colby Report; a programme unknown to we Brits, but obviously a serious and proper forum to disseminate theological trends.
I was distressed to learn that the audience thought my Bishop's views hilarious and worthy of much mockery. Is this how you in the USA treat eminent scholars who have travelled a vast distance to tell you the world is about to end?
I'm all for "converting sinners who disagree with you". But Bishop Tom Wright is used to being obeyed; no wonder he wants to cast the American Church into the abyss.

Dennis said...

Yes, I'm sure that Tom Wright will simply add that being laughed at on the Colbert Report to the other 407 reasons he dislikes Americans.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I myself advised Bishop Wright to avoid Colbert, and instead appear on Jerry Springer, which attracts both guests and audience much more suited to young Tommy's ministry - but do you think he'd listen to me?

I must say though, that when seeing him in action on Colbert it became immediately clear that his charming working-class Yorkshire accent is unquestionably a large part of the reason for his success at reaching the common folk of his district, and indicative of why he's so famous among his clergy for providing them with pastoral support.

In any case, nobody need be to concerned: in Tommy's mind the interview was a tremendous success, and as far as Durham should be concerned, that's all that matters.

Grandmère Mimi said...

What to say? I enjoyed the exchange between Tommy and Stephen. I thought Tommy held his own quite well. If you have not seen the video, here's the link. Being a guest on Stephen's show can't be easy.

I'm not sure about the bishop's idea that the saved go to two different places after death - at least that's what I understood. For an Englishman, his accent was easy for this Estadounidiense to understand. I use that term, because it's no longer PC for me to call myself American in an international forum such as yours, Fr Christian.

You'll find that, even though we don't agree on absolutely everything, I can be useful to have around.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Madam:
Bishop Wright speaks perfect "King's English" (he's not flamboyant enough for it to be described as Queen’s English) which, as Father Heron and that young Priest you were stalking will testify, is how all the common folk in the north of England speak. Hence Tommy’s famous rapport with them.

Incidentally, I have always considered penitent sinful women delightfully useful to have around. Just ask Consuella.

Canon Itchy, doctor of love said...

For some reason, your refreshing and most incisive words about the "Two Petes" stirring up the waters in Jerusalem (takes TWO of them!) brought to mind two fellow classmates of mine at the Twin Lakes' Bible College so many, many years ago. We had two Dicks: "Big Dick" and "Little Dick." I doubt that their appellations had anything to do with the matters unmentionable, rather they were intended to substitute for "Elder" and "Lesser" chronologically. Elder is retired and younger went to some 'continuing' church and then drank himself to death. My warped but serviceable mind also seems to recollect their shining images right around the upcoming Feast of Ss. Peter & Paul, dontcha know? Thank God for both of them as well. We've a Peter and a Paul (Mary too come to think of it). I think that's far more preferable than two Petes. For Pete's sake, I mean. God bless you and may you receive an energetic curate so that you may have the needed energy for your irreplaceable ministry at these dark and troublesome times.

Father David Heron said...

Dr Troll is mistaken in asserting that the Jerry Springer Show is more suited to Bishop Tom Wright. One of Jerry's former guests once "married a horse". This contravenes Bishop Tom's evangelical stance, although such a civil partnership is probably quite common in ECUSA.
However, Dr Troll is correct in praising Tom's famed pastoral care of his clergy. He prefers to exercise this close pastoral relationship from 3000 miles away.