Thursday, June 19, 2008

Buttocks on Pews!

In order to understand the reasoning behind my current strategy, there is one important point which everyone – clergy or layman – who dreams that their congregation might be a successful as mine needs to remember:

Buttocks On Pews

I believe this to be the most melodic phrase in the English language, and I’m sure it can be translated into the tongues of most other reasonably rational nations. Let it roll around your lips for a moment – say it out aloud with me:

Buttocks On Pews

Nothing else should ever matter as much to any Christian serious about their faith. Far too many people of every persuasion forget that without Buttocks On Pews there can be no building projects, no discretionary accounts with which a Bible-believing minister can enjoy his indiscretions, no ministry staff to intimidate - NOTHING!

Certainly conferences pilgrimages can be lots of fun, and represent a wonderful opportunity to waste church money with impunity, but without plenty of posteriors polishing the woodwork one’s trough quickly runs dry. Consequently the true GAFCON minister - and by this I mean those capable of following what God and Father Christian tell them, not just those contributing to my royalty fees by attending Big Pete’s little soirée - no opportunity to put a few more faces in the flock will ever go unexploited.

As everyone knows, Bible-believing Christianity is about numbers. Whoever can claim the biggest numbers has the best proof of their doctrinal soundness. This is how we can all be certain that the apostate liberals of TEC know nothing of the Bible in comparison to the Church of Nigeria: because Big Pete Akinola has more sheep in his flock than whatever-her-name-is. A faithful Shepherd never misses a chance to grow his flock by whatever means he finds available.

Are you starting to get an idea of my brilliant Bible-based strategy? Who hath ears to hear, let him hear. (Matthew 13:9)

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Grandmère Mimi said...

I see a glimmer of light....

clumber said...

Dear Father Christian,

I am encouraged by your recent analysis on Buttocks on Pews. It is insightful to those of us who you might call "young preachers". However, I'm still in need of tools to separate the Buttocks from their Wallets (well, actually, they can feel free to keep their wallets, as long as they fill the collection plates). Do you have tools to pry the dead presidents from their hands and transfer the lucre into the hands of Biblically Inspired folks such as you and I who know far better things to do with their hard earned cash? Does a "40 Days of Purpose" scheme (sorry, make that "initiative") provide adequate leverage to do this, or are their more persuasive shake-down techniques? Sorry, "shake-down" should be replaced by "shaking the foundations".

While I have witnessed bold moves in the past in one or two churches that I have been in to indicate that the very essence of their spiritual life will be ripped from their hands should they not pony up sufficient funds, I am not sure this is the most effective method to follow. Can you help us in our spiritual quest? My dog-collar is old and frayed, and I would really like a diamond encrusted model for wearing to Lambeth, so time is of the essence!

Yours in Christ and Benjamin Franklins,

KJ said...

My buttocks sat upon the organ bench of my previous church home for so long, that when I was asked to remove my buttocks, I left a polished imprint behind.

David |däˈvēd| said...

In the border area between our two great Anglican provinces of North America, TEC and the Anglican Church of Mexico, folks shoot rustlers on sight/site, no questions asked.

It appears to me that rustling is what you infer.

Alan Rogers said...

If you would allow me to write the hymns for your church, there would be more buttocks than you could possibly imagine!

Boaz said...

Rev Dr,

You talk about "Buttocks on Pews" and I think this is understandable given that you are a GAfCON man and buttocks are part of the obsession. I myself am not a GAfCON person and so I tend to think of it more in terms of Teats on Seats.

It amounts to the same thing, certainly a similar concept, but I find it fits more with my heterosexuality.