Sunday, June 22, 2008

History’s Turning Point... and My Successful Mission

HALLELUJAH!

Today begins the most important event in the history of the Anglican Communion since Henry decided it was time for a new wife. Even King James’ idea of commissioning a version of the Bible in language which has enabled centuries of clergy to confuse their congregations is nothing compared with today, because today is the first morning of the blessed GAFCON mission!

By that I don’t mean the Conference pilgrimage currently in Jerusalem, but the real GAFCON mission here in Ichabod Springs – the greatest event in the history of church growth since the Inquisition.

Since my apostate Sodomite-obsessed local Bishop can’t believe his fortune to have a Doctrinal Warrior of my calibre remaining loyal, he’s agreed to fund the whole thing. This includes buses to fetch people from those neighbouring parishes in which the Priest has unexpectedly flitted off to join Big Pete’s caravan, and a number of other effective Biblical strategies I didn’t feel led to share with His Grace, such as hiring armed guards to keep out any visiting Priests on whose computers I was unable to have inappropriate material planted, thereby tragically resulting in their surprise arrest after the relevant authorities were informed.

The end result of all this Gospel Work is that I am now the only Celebrating Priest for miles around, and countless newcomers will have no choice but to attend St. Onuphrius’. Still others will be attending rescheduled services in their usual parish, at which I will also be officiating.

While it will be a terribly busy day for me, I’m confident it will also prove one of the most successful. The only difficulty will be winning over a parish which also claims to be Biblically Orthodox (although I know for a fact they’re not), and whose minister has not only spoken scathingly of St. Onuphrius’ financial practices (why Conservatives so often feel the need to attack their brethren I will never know), but whom also went to Jerusalem voluntarily. Still, the congregation will just have to get used to real Bible Teaching, since after my report to the Israeli officials there’s no way their old Priest will be returning, and once Mossad passes information onto the Coalition of the Willing the only vestments he’ll ever wear again are colored orange and waiting for him in Gitmo.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

3 comments :

BabyBlue said...

Don't you just love America?

You have to admire someone to go to this much trouble to be cranky. Love my country!

bb

+clumber said...

Be very very careful Father Troll! I have the feeling that you're being watched by the "other" GAFCONites, some of whom are looking for their own funding stream for vacation travel! I suggest you quickly get a PAYPAL button of your very own out there on your home blog page! Next thing you know you will start getting letters from Father Mass Progeny seeking funds to come back to America!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Madam
If unbelieving liberal reappraisers like yourself loved the Scriptures as much as you do the secular idol of your country the church wouldn't be in this terrible state.

Bishop Clumber
Excellent idea, Your Grace.
As for Father Progeny and his disciples, of course they follow my teachings closely. They didn't get this way of their own accord.