My dear wicked unrepentant children: not a day goes by without somebody gazing wistfully at the magnificent complex that is the St. Onuphrius Ministry Center and asking “Father Christian – how have you managed to accomplish all this?”
Indeed, I have lost count of the number of admiring clergy who behold my crowd of faithful parishioners, the blank staring faces of the children imprisoned in my Ceausescu Creche, and the slender firm bodies of my Latina Teens Fellowship, and plead “Father Christian – what is the secret of your success?”
As the Bible instructs “Wise men store up knowledge” (Proverbs 10:14) I normally mislead them, and simply increase their guilt by claiming it's all because God has blessed the righteousness of my Bible teaching. "If only," I counsel them "nore clergy would also faithfully teach the Scriptures then they too could enjoy unbridled success". Yet the truth is vastly more complex.
You see, while it’s correct most clergy lack my immense knowledge of the Scriptures, in reality most of the poor young priests depressed by the inadequacy of their own ministry in comparison to mine do teach the Bible – at least as diligently as their tiny little bigoted minds will permit them. It’s actually not their fault that a good Sunday morning turn-out is only Mr. Haemorrhoid the Rector’s Warden (who doubles up as the organist when his gout isn’t playing up) and half a dozen welfare cases coming for the free tea, coffee and biscuits afterwards. Nor is it really fair to blame them (although I do so anyway) for the fact that while while my congregation features an army of obedient minors gazing somewhere into the middle-distance, their children’s ministry comprises only Mrs. Postpartum-Depression’s twins and a strange little creature someone left on the vicarage doorstep. No; there’s a secret to my ministry success that I have never previously shared, but given the dangerous times in which we live, and the need for drastic action before our church is forever destroyed by liberals wanting to welcome and include absolutely anyone at all, I have decided to reveal my key to church growth.
That’s right, my church may be blessed with the World’s Greatest Doctrinal Warrior, but a Minister needs to do more than just teach if he is to accumulate a significant property portfolio in accordance with Numbers 33:53. He needs an active mission program – indeed, he and his congregation must be missionaries!
Tomorrow I’ll explain this in more detail. Right now my servant Consuella is seeking my attention, and while normally this would earn my rebuke she happens to be wearing her native costume (made only of succulent vines), so I believe the Spirit is calling me to giver her my full attention.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.