Just when the whole world has begun to despair that the best Bible-believing Christians have to offer is Os Guinness telling them something along the lines of it being ok to twist the arms of left-handed children until they become right handed, and that people with green eyes can change their colour to blue by simply choosing to stop disobeying the Scriptures, I am in contrast proud to announce the success of my own important GAFCON mission.
The secret has been a simple one, as all good ideas inevitably are: we’ve stolen everyone from all the surrounding parishes, which have currently found themselves without clergy and in a number of instances also without buildings: as it seems my hand-maiden Consuella’s relatives will insist on smoking while splashing gasoline around competing church properties.
Doubtless this will sound harsh to any wishy-washy liberal readers, but I make no apologies for following Bible teachings. Just as the Israelites were permitted to plunder the Philistine camps after driving them away (1 Samuel 17:53), so too am I entitled to the spoils of a victorious ministry. What the apostates call ‘sheep stealing’ is referred to in the Bible as “liberating the spoils of the Midianites” (Numbers 31:11), or “plundering the Egyptians” (Exodus 12:36).
Indeed, if more Christian leaders took the Bible’s promises of plunder seriously, and spent more time taking and less time talking, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Certainly Big Pete once showed promise, but he’s proven to be just as in love with the sound of his own voice as the rest of them. It’s action that mattered when it was time to put the towns of Benjamin to the sword Judges 20:48, and it’s action that will ensure Bible-believing Ministries like mine will continue to keep their Priests in the luxury to which they are entitled today.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.