Thursday, June 26, 2008

GAFCON Victories

Just when the whole world has begun to despair that the best Bible-believing Christians have to offer is Os Guinness telling them something along the lines of it being ok to twist the arms of left-handed children until they become right handed, and that people with green eyes can change their colour to blue by simply choosing to stop disobeying the Scriptures, I am in contrast proud to announce the success of my own important GAFCON mission.

The secret has been a simple one, as all good ideas inevitably are: we’ve stolen everyone from all the surrounding parishes, which have currently found themselves without clergy and in a number of instances also without buildings: as it seems my hand-maiden Consuella’s relatives will insist on smoking while splashing gasoline around competing church properties.

Doubtless this will sound harsh to any wishy-washy liberal readers, but I make no apologies for following Bible teachings. Just as the Israelites were permitted to plunder the Philistine camps after driving them away (1 Samuel 17:53), so too am I entitled to the spoils of a victorious ministry. What the apostates call ‘sheep stealing’ is referred to in the Bible as “liberating the spoils of the Midianites” (Numbers 31:11), or “plundering the Egyptians” (Exodus 12:36).

Indeed, if more Christian leaders took the Bible’s promises of plunder seriously, and spent more time taking and less time talking, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Certainly Big Pete once showed promise, but he’s proven to be just as in love with the sound of his own voice as the rest of them. It’s action that mattered when it was time to put the towns of Benjamin to the sword Judges 20:48, and it’s action that will ensure Bible-believing Ministries like mine will continue to keep their Priests in the luxury to which they are entitled today.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Dear Father
I have always believed that happiness lies more in receiving than giving. You are right.
We need ACTION.
As the Founder of Gay Anglicans Freak out Conservatives & Nutcases (GAFCON) can you send me a few thousand dollars?

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, exactly! Any Christianity which is less than militant, muscular, and action-packed is worthless to the cause.

Robert said...

Finally, someone proud of their plundering! God bless you Fr. Christian.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Father Heron:
I appreciate your understanding of the Scriptures, but when it comes to supporting others I am faithful to my own understanding of Job 1:21 - The Lord Giveth and Father Christian taketh away."

As a consolation I have ordered Brother Richthofen to daily visit your fine blog at and click where it matters.

Madam M and Father Robert: the way you are both so clearly growing in wisdom is an indescribable blessing to this old doctrinal Warrior's heart. Now please make sure you also visit Father Heron follow Brother Richthofen’s example.

Anonymous said...

"The Lord loves a cheerful giver" "
(2 Corinthians 9 v.7)
I would have thought,Father, from your cheerful picture you are are very happy man.
I shall continue to seek your spiritual guidance, despite your refusal of charity. Do you know any ordained African or Australian nutcases I can dupe?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Father Heron: 1 Corinthians needs to read in the context of 1 Kings 20:13 - "Your silver and gold are mine, and the best of your wives and children are mine" which I have always felt led to see as applying directly to my own ministry.

While the African nutters are generally quite wealthy, they haven't got that way by being easily duped. I've been sending them emails for years, promising millions of socknuts (or whatever it is they call their money) if they will only send me their bank account details, and I've never had so much as a nibble.

The cracked Australian Calvinists are a much better bet, and it's easy to identify the ones with money: their last name is always 'Jensen'.

Anonymous said...

May I commend Solomon 6 verse 11
"I went down to the Garden of Nuts"
Do you think this is a prophecy regarding the Jensenite religion?
I shall take your advice and correspond with this loony sect. Is it true they think all men are descended from the kangaroo?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"Do you think this is a prophecy regarding the Jensenite religion?"
Udoubtedly, and excellent exegesis Father. Their kangaroo hypothesis may in their instance be correct given their inability to to sty in one spot, amd refrain from jumping on everyone else.

I see them also identified in Isaiah 21:1 - "Like whirlwinds sweeping through the southland, an invader comes from the desert, from a land of terror." Be careful in your dealings with them, as I hear Archbishop Jensen has a few cousins (three times removed) not yet employed by the church, and he's certain to try and foist them on you as part of his offer.