GAFCON Jerusalem Wrap-up

The event which has put Jerusalem on the international party-goers' map is winding up today, and in the biggest surprise since seventy-two scholars working independantly miraculously produced identical translations of some foreign work called the Septuagint, the Pontificating Pilgrims have created a document nearly identical to that which one of Little Pete Jensen's relatives smuggled into Israel a week ago.

Indeed, the only real changes are the removal of a paragraph demanding “all ecclesiastical vestments are to be replaced with polyester leisure wear in varying shades of beige” before Big Pete realised this means the Australians don’t approve of him frocking up like something from the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s (which would have made him really mad), and once the check from Howard Ahmanson had cleared and the money stuffed into paper bags the proviso demanding “the negotiation of a contract with Fox News for the televising of stonings and other publically edifying executions” was deleted.

Personally, I welcome the call to “uphold the Thirty-nine Articles as containing the true doctrine of the Church agreeing with God’s Word and as authoritative for Anglicans today”. These days there is nowhere nearly enough emphasis on the Articles, which were after all dictated to the church directly by God. My personal favourite is Article XXV (“Of the Homilies”), since this releases one from the dreadful chore of preparing a weekly sermon. Out the ready-made sermons provided, #17 (“For the Rogation-days”) is probably the most relevant for today’s busy young people, although #6 (“Against Excess of Apparel”) contains a wonderful apologetic for Christian Nudism.

Still, the very best thing about all this is that it looks like the pilgrims have decided to keep holding GAFCON junkets on a regular basis. Of course that was to be expected, since when someone else is paying few things are as enjoyable as travelling to interesting places and staying in expensive hotels while sycophantic friends pat you on the back, especially if home is somewhere on the brink of civil war and run by paramilitary thugs. Yet it’s also good to know that here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re going to have the chance to pillage our surrounding parishes on a regular basis. And besides, if they’re going to keep using the name GAFCON my lawyers will have the chance to negotiate a much better royalty fee.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.