Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Can we do it? YES WE CAN!

From its inception the GAFCON movement has always been particularly directed towards those entirely devoid of common sense: few people are as easily separated from their money as the arrogant and foolish. That’s why I’ve long paid close attention to Hal Turner and his Aryan Brotherhod friends.

Never mind that the original Aryans were Indian, and looked more like the heroes in Slumdog Millionaire than the hammy thespians of Birth of a Nation, facts have always been something just a little too complicated for Klansmen and their sympathizers, and it’s this very trait that makes them such fertile soil for fundraising. Indeed, we constructed an entire wing of the St. Onuphrius’ rectory with the results of a transaction that involved buying some surplus talcum powder very cheaply at auction and marketing it on to a few of Hal Turner’s supporters as “Lavender Scented Anthrax Spores: (I had to find a way of explaining the fragrance, since you know the first thing the idiots who fall for something like that will do is sniff it themselves to see if the “Anthrax Protection Pills” that I’d also sold them work). Consequently I must stress how much compassion I have for White Supremacists at what is undoubtedly a very difficult time for them: the inauguration of America’s first African-American President. Like some other Biblical heroes whose name escapes me (it wasn't the Pharisees by any chance?) they see, but they don't understand.

Indeed, after reading Hal’s Wile E. Coyote inspired dream of disrupting the inauguration I realized the extent to which Anglican Conservatives have been hitherto ignoring the slime at the bottom of fundamentalism’s cesspit. Granted, while we’ve had Big Pete and all his Africans running around it’s been a little difficult to exploit this group of the deservingly gullible, but now ±Duncan’s bringing everything back home where it belongs this problem's been solved. What’s more, instead of blaming everything from extra toes to their wife’s kleptomania on the Bishop of New Hampshire, Conservatives are soon going to be once again firmly placing responsibility on the President – only this time he’s black, which will happily unite in hatred those comprising the Communion’s intellectual and spiritual sludge.

In response I can only predict great days ahead, and happily join in this new wave of global optimism. You should just see how orders for my “Acme Giant Human Slingshot” are up: we must have shipped dozens to Fairfax Virginia alone.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


BooCat said...


Kirkepiscatoid said...

However, dear Father Christian...did you ever notice that Acme stuff never works right?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Of course it didn't - but that never stopped their best customer from buying more.