Wednesday, January 21, 2009

What a day!

Sweet Sarah Palin called me on Inauguration Day morning: she’d been crying inconsolably for the past several hours and needed a little confidential pastoral support before going out to tie an Obama mask onto a passing moose and blow it to kingdom come. Curiously enough I have it on good authority that John McCain spent the day in much the same way, although in his case the moose was forced to wear a Sarah Palin mask.

In contrast I was pleased to see Stand Firm resolutely refused to mention anything concerning this auspicious occasion. Ignoring all the carry on in that godless liberal’s hornet’s nest called Washington, they ran with the stories that matter to the future of the Communion: things like teenagers using their phones to take and send dirty pictures of themselves, prosperity preachers finding their income has fallen just the same as every other entertainers, and a couple of undoubtedly liberal English clergy leaving their spouses for each other.

This just goes to show how the folks at Viagraville really have been learning from their righteous old Father Christian, and dear me it makes my heart proud. Finally they’re listening when I say that if God doesn’t deliver what you’ve been petitioning Him for (obviously as a result of Him having been led astray by the prayers of Liberals, Apostates, and other Reprobates) one should simply go silent on the topic, and distract your congregation by drawing their attention to the speck of sawdust in somebody else’s eye.

No, my dear evildoers, Fr. Mass Progeny et al may well be a little too insecure to give me due credit, but it’s as plain as day that they’ve been paying close attention to my counsel, and it’s surely only a matter of time before we see their diligence bear fruit. As a matter of fact, Brother Richthofen and his friends from Seminary were only just the other day saying that they think hiding in the pantry at Stand Firm are lots of fruits, and more than a few bears as well. Although maybe, on reflection, they were talking about the closet, not the pantry: I forget which. Either way – in keeping with the spirit of these exciting times you can always be sure that there’s something for everyone here.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


MadPriest said...

things like teenagers using their phones to take and send dirty pictures of themselves

Oh, this is absolutely disgusting and should be stopped. They should go back to using the Internet so we can all have a shufty. I'm sure you will agree, good Father.

Robert said...

Actually it is rather unchristian of those teens to just exchange the photos on their cell phones and not post them on the internet for everyone.

Leonard said...

I´m shocked there has been no photosharing at Standing Limp...just what kinda secret visually cropped handshake do they do over thar?

With all those little stone wickeds things otta perkup after they dip into the ¨donate here (sucker) account...soon the internet providers will cut them pay, no play.