Friday, February 6, 2009

How can you not like Iker?

Things have been more than a little chaotic here at St.Onuphrius’ as I prepare to launch the two firmest web sites in history, but this latest letter from little ±Jack Leo Iker has certainly got what it takes to distract me from the heady business of tweaking blogspot templates.

That’s because in a fit of astonishing quasi-episcopal creativity the Fakir of Fort Worth has announced that not one, not two, not even three, but a whole four congregations of the diocese he’s attempting to steal are free to remain part of the church they’ve never left – providing, of course, they first pay Jack’s show the money currently owing on their mortgaged properties - money not lent by ±Jack's new sect!

Naturally people commenting at one of the less firm places on the internet are falling over themselves to admire the Texan Tickler for this astonishing announcement, and I’d certainly like to add my voice to the throng. After all, until this stunt the only people offering to give away something they don’t own in return for the repayment of money they didn’t lend were selling Florida condos or Hawaiian Holiday Timeshares - this marks a whole new level for pseudo-Anglicanism!

I ask you: how can any Gafconeer fail to be impressed by this fabulous application of the old shell game? A lesser man than me would find himself speechless in the face of it (which is doubtless why a certain not-as-firm-as-my-new-sites place offers no editorial on the scam), but I’m certainly not going let an inspiration like this pass by without trying it for myself.

Consequently my ministry team are right this moment drafting letters to Canterbury Cathedral and the Vatican, explaining that I’m graciously granting them permission to keep their premises providing they first immediately repay the mortgages I’ve deemed them as owing me. While we’re at it, the Mormons have plenty of money: Salt Lake Temple looks worth claiming is actually mine. And what about St John's Shaughnessy? I’ve heard the people there will fall for anything…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Dear Father
Do you think +Jack Iker might grant me permission to sell the Diocese of Durham? I believe the Cathedral mortgage is paid, as the building is over 1000 years old. The present Bishop's royalties from prolific authorship are worth millions of dollars alone. I would be more than happy to send a fat cheque to aid your world-wide ministry - as well as taking a luxury cruise for myself.

Doorman-Priest said...

I did very well out of Hawaiian holiday timeshares. Don't knock it!

Boaz said...

"What is it, Batman?"

"It's a letter of demand, Robin."

"You can keep the Batcave and Wayne Manor providing you pay me in full, with interest,
the outstanding mortgage."

"But there is no mortgage on Wayne Manor, Batman!"

"Precisely, Robin."

"It's postmarked Texas. Holy Cattle Rustler, Batman! What unholy madman would make up such a joke?"

"Who else but The Joker, Robin. I fear he may have sent other letters to the infirm and elderly. Quick, to the Batcave Robin and wear that tight sequined number you wore to the Gotham City, Carbon-Dating Ball."