First GAFCON Schism Occurs!

Dear Sinners – today finds the World’s Foremost Doctrinal Warrior breathless with excitement as I announce with great joy that the FIRST SCHISM BETWEEN THE GAFCON BIBLE-BELIEVING FAITHFUL HAS OFFICIALLY OCCURRED!!

Yes, this monumental event has already taken place – while the dirty sheets at the Jerusalem Renaissance Hotel are still warm and sticky – and as you can well imagine Father Christian is right at the heart of things!

The reasons behind this exciting development are simple: after seeing Little Pete Jensen had managed to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes I immediately went to the Sydney diocese web pages with the intention of offering them my services (for an appropriate fee, of course) as an internationally respected Biblical-scholar and Pastor. Naturally they require one first register before participating in discussions, which was a pleasing sign: it’s always encouraging to find suspicion and exclusivity playing a key role in the life of a Christian institution. Then, after humbly filling in my online application like an ordinary common-or-garden believer (I may be the world’s most discerning exegete, but I am by no means a vain man) I was told to wait for their approval!

Now normally I don’t wait for anyone, since God has clearly anointed me as more important than others. Still, realising I was dealing with Sydney, and whichever Jensen has the job of being in charge of these things probably had to run off and find an older cousin able to read and check everything was correct, I was prepared to provide an edifying example of patience. Therefore Christians everywhere will understand my complete disgust when I received the outrageous response, presented here in full!

Christian Troll,

We're sorry but our staff has decided not to validate your membership.

THAT’S IT!!! In an email headed “Your membership account has been declined” this was all the information these jumped-up sons of kangaroos had the nerve to provide! No name (alright, it’s a certainty the sender’s family name is “Jensen”, but that’s not the point); no explanation of why they should have so insulted the wisest Christian in history; not even an attempt to address me by my PROPER TITLES!!

There can be no turning back from this point: it is impossible for faithful Bible-believing Christians to remain in Communion with these godless apostate sons of the harlot of Babylon, and I hereby issue the first formal notice of GAFCON schism:

St. Onuphrius Ichabod Springs, a parish of the Northernmost Southern Cone under the oversight of the Bishop of Molvania acting in fellowship with Bishop Kunonga of Zimbabwe, is now officially in schism with the (formerly) Anglican Diocese of Sydney Australia (aka 'Jensenville'). Unless the Jensenites formally repent and return to the Bible's teachings (in addition to paying the St. Onuphrius’ Vicar Superior appropriate compensation for the harm caused by their wickedness) there can be no common ground on which we can consider ourselves able to meet and pray together.

Yes; while there will be many such divisions occurring among the GAFCON faithful in the days ahead, we can all rejoice that I am the first to split, and you, sinful reader, have been so blessed as to be able to share in this historic moment.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON Jerusalem Wrap-up

The event which has put Jerusalem on the international party-goers' map is winding up today, and in the biggest surprise since seventy-two scholars working independantly miraculously produced identical translations of some foreign work called the Septuagint, the Pontificating Pilgrims have created a document nearly identical to that which one of Little Pete Jensen's relatives smuggled into Israel a week ago.

Indeed, the only real changes are the removal of a paragraph demanding “all ecclesiastical vestments are to be replaced with polyester leisure wear in varying shades of beige” before Big Pete realised this means the Australians don’t approve of him frocking up like something from the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s (which would have made him really mad), and once the check from Howard Ahmanson had cleared and the money stuffed into paper bags the proviso demanding “the negotiation of a contract with Fox News for the televising of stonings and other publically edifying executions” was deleted.

Personally, I welcome the call to “uphold the Thirty-nine Articles as containing the true doctrine of the Church agreeing with God’s Word and as authoritative for Anglicans today”. These days there is nowhere nearly enough emphasis on the Articles, which were after all dictated to the church directly by God. My personal favourite is Article XXV (“Of the Homilies”), since this releases one from the dreadful chore of preparing a weekly sermon. Out the ready-made sermons provided, #17 (“For the Rogation-days”) is probably the most relevant for today’s busy young people, although #6 (“Against Excess of Apparel”) contains a wonderful apologetic for Christian Nudism.

Still, the very best thing about all this is that it looks like the pilgrims have decided to keep holding GAFCON junkets on a regular basis. Of course that was to be expected, since when someone else is paying few things are as enjoyable as travelling to interesting places and staying in expensive hotels while sycophantic friends pat you on the back, especially if home is somewhere on the brink of civil war and run by paramilitary thugs. Yet it’s also good to know that here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re going to have the chance to pillage our surrounding parishes on a regular basis. And besides, if they’re going to keep using the name GAFCON my lawyers will have the chance to negotiate a much better royalty fee.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

True GAFCON Success.

As I’ve said before it’s been a busy week, but a successful one for the real GAFCON mission here in Ichabod Springs. We’ve had over a thousand new faces through our clutches parish, some of whom actually attended of their own volition. Naturally my apostate liberal bishop is delighted at that his treasonous clergy will return from their Jerusalem pilgrimage to find their congregations non-existent. Even the properties I arranged to accidentally burn down have not proved unnecessarily upsetting a matter to him, particularly since a few weeks ago I had the foresight to take out additional insurance on the buildings in the diocese’s name, naturally naming him as the beneficiary.

In gratitude our bishop has promised me a new Curate, so I’ll soon be putting my feet up and taking things easy again. After our last four Curates died in unfortunately mysterious circumstances the Cathedral had refused to assign me any more, but all that’s a thing of the past now. Success changes everything.

This is something my namesakes in Jerusalem just can’t grasp. If they would only understand that preaching to those who already agree with you is never going to get you more than you already have. It’s the sinners who disagree with you that must be grabbed by the scruff of their necks and shaken until the contents of their wallets – and also their souls if you’re pious enough to care about such trivialities – are set free.

If Big and Little Pete, and Nowhere in Faith (or whatever they’re called this week), David Vitriol and young Kendall who’s always copying him, and the foreigners pretending to be British Evangelicals, and all the other groups with names comprising random combinations of upper-case letters, would only realise that while it’s perfectly acceptable to hate apostates, liberals and people who have sex in ways that you can’t stop thinking about when alone in bed at night, instead of complaining about them, one needs to get them into one’s church and force them to live differently. Everything else is just a waste of time. Certainly this might involve physical restraint and the strategic use of pain, but I never cease to be amazed at how rarely things need to be taken to extremes. More and more often I find all it takes is for Brother Richthofen and his fine young friends from Seminary to have a little word to newcomers of a “different” persuasion, and before you can say “Barbra Streisand” everyone’s laughing, and enjoying themselves.

At this rate I fully expect to one day control the church that my namesakes have their church inside a church inside. And then won’t Bishop Duncan and his grumpy little band of talkers-not-doers be surprised to find themselves inside old Rev. Dr. Troll! Unquestionably they’ll enjoy the experience a lot more than they could currently imagine.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON, God, and Guns.

Since all the less important Bible-believing bloggers are trying their hardest to avoid mentioning Jerusalem, my intention today was to provide more in-depth analysis of the mess. Really though, everything there is to be said can be summed up in one golden rule:

Never get involved with anything organised by a Bishop named Peter.

Besides, yesterday the truly exciting news for everyone who takes the Scriptures seriously came out of Washington D.C., not Jerusalem. In a monumental victory for the faithful everywhere (which I’m quite certain all of you are already celebrating), the Supreme Court has overturned an immoral apostate mincing-liberal ban on handguns.

Now there’s no secret that I am a great admirer of firearms. I like their smell, and their strangely exciting penetrative shape that requires constant polishing, cleaning and attention. Above all, however, I like the way they kill.

After turning the other cheek (in accordance with the Scriptures) nothing lets a critic know who’s boss like shooting them. Bleeding-hearts who complain about public safety issues simply don’t know what they’re talking about: if fewer people carried handguns American ER surgeons wouldn’t lead the world when it comes to treating bullet wounds: it takes experience and practise to be number one, and in a selfless act of public service handgun owners ensure the professionals receive all opportunities they need to develop their skills.

What’s more, my dear father’s interest in handguns kept him sharp as a tack right up until the day he was accidentally killed. While a tremor did make his aim a little unwieldy, despite severe dementia several deceased community nurses could have testified that he was still able to pull the trigger as healthily as the day he was born (in our family children learn to handle guns at a really early age). I’ve no doubt that somewhere in heaven he’s now looking down and rejoicing that the people of Washington can once again enjoy their constitutional right to pass on in a similar manner to him.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON Victories

Just when the whole world has begun to despair that the best Bible-believing Christians have to offer is Os Guinness telling them something along the lines of it being ok to twist the arms of left-handed children until they become right handed, and that people with green eyes can change their colour to blue by simply choosing to stop disobeying the Scriptures, I am in contrast proud to announce the success of my own important GAFCON mission.

The secret has been a simple one, as all good ideas inevitably are: we’ve stolen everyone from all the surrounding parishes, which have currently found themselves without clergy and in a number of instances also without buildings: as it seems my hand-maiden Consuella’s relatives will insist on smoking while splashing gasoline around competing church properties.

Doubtless this will sound harsh to any wishy-washy liberal readers, but I make no apologies for following Bible teachings. Just as the Israelites were permitted to plunder the Philistine camps after driving them away (1 Samuel 17:53), so too am I entitled to the spoils of a victorious ministry. What the apostates call ‘sheep stealing’ is referred to in the Bible as “liberating the spoils of the Midianites” (Numbers 31:11), or “plundering the Egyptians” (Exodus 12:36).

Indeed, if more Christian leaders took the Bible’s promises of plunder seriously, and spent more time taking and less time talking, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Certainly Big Pete once showed promise, but he’s proven to be just as in love with the sound of his own voice as the rest of them. It’s action that mattered when it was time to put the towns of Benjamin to the sword Judges 20:48, and it’s action that will ensure Bible-believing Ministries like mine will continue to keep their Priests in the luxury to which they are entitled today.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON – Jerusalem Update

As the whole world knows by now, Big Pete Akinola has been making such a fool of himself in Jerusalem that ‘Bishop’ (chuckle) Martyn Minns has finally come to his senses, and realised it’s easier to practise ventriloquism with a Howdy Doody doll than with a large and unmanageable African Prelate. This means the only person still prepared to help the Nabob of Nigeria deliver speeches which don’t involve the use of threats and a machete is Little Pete Jensen from Sydney Australia.

So far, however, I must say that I’ve been less than impressed with the result. Clearly it’s been a long time since Little Pete spoke to audience not solely comprised of his relatives, and ordering critics’ legs broken might meet the definition of “hands on ministry” in Sydney, but the rest of the world isn’t going to see things in quite the same way. And since subtlety has never been Big Pete’s strong suite, it’s not as if he can be trusted to hit the brakes when his Australian driver veers over to the wrong side of the road.

All of which makes watching things in Jerusalem positively depressing. All we need now is for one of Little Pete’s entourage to scream “Lay Administration” in a moment of passion (everyone knows how sound travels through hotel walls, and the Australian pilgrims are well known for their peculiar tastes) and the ensuing fighting will make the rest of the world think that one of Hal Lindsey’s predictions have finally come true (it has to happen eventually), and Armageddon really has started on the Temple Mount.

My own GAFCON mission? Well that’s another story, but needless to say it’s running smoother than a Bush-family oil company. But then again, every here knows why that is…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON Pilgrims Turning Liberal.

It’s no secret that I love a Banning. Excluding, shaming and casting out sinners is one of the great joys of being a Bible-believing Christian. Yet few things are more distressing for a Teacher of my standing than to see a good thing spoiled by incompetence. Which, I regret to say, is exactly the only way to describe how Big Pete and his Pilgrims have mishandled the important task of preventing undesirables from raining on their Jerusalem parade.

Shunning someone from the Fellowship of the Righteous is supposed to leave them humiliated and rejected in an amusing foretaste of their eternal torture at the hands of Our Loving Father. It’s something to be feared; under no circumstances do you want people asking to be Banned.

Clearly Big Pete and his Pilgrims have forgotten the cardinal rule of Banning: Only ever pick on the sensitive, weak or vulnerable. Anyone else will simply laugh at you, which makes you look ridiculous.

It stuns me that those who have in the past shown they clearly know more than a thing or two about crushing the unworthy could have made such an elementary mistake. Remember, we’re not talking about amateurs here, but men who actively admire Robert Mugabe - and who've met and blessed him. Men for whom the words “cut and thrust” are not mere rhetoric, but part of the process by which they convinced others to let them wear the colourful hat and give their friends all the top jobs (or in the Australians’ case, wear the polyester-rayon business suit and put their family members on the payroll).

No, this is simply not good enough. Where are the voices of rebuke? Don't they realise the world is crying out for an example of God’s wrath? Where are the sobbing reprobates who find themselves stuck in Jerusalem because the church has thrown them out and cashed in their return ticket? Where is the judgement??? Instead all we have is a paltry list of eight people not allowed into the hall - and six of them aren’t even on the same continent!. The whole think reeks of liberal inclusivity to me, and frankly I’m appalled.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.