Thursday, September 24, 2009

G20, GAFCON, & the Colorado Clown.

The past few days I’ve been terribly busy putting the finishing touches on a top-secret forthcoming presentation to the G20 summit. My attendance was initially proposed by the French President Nicholas Sarkozy, whose wife has been desperate to meet me since first seeing my picture here on this blog, and as the Canadian government is currently seeking my assistance in finding a way of sending David Short back to where he came from Prime Minister Stephen Harper naturally supported Monsieur Sarkozy’s initiatives. One thing led to another, and before you could say ”The hoary head is a crown of glory” I was packing my suitcase with some suitably lurid vestments (never forget Article Forty, my Dear Sinners) for a surprise visit to little Bobby Duncan while I’m in Pittsburgh.

The heart of my address will be an outline of what I call “Homeopathic Economics”, the essence of which involves resolving a large financial mess by subsequently making lots of small ones (although the process can also be reversed – as George W. Bush so clearly demonstrated - by preparing for a really big crisis by first indulging in countless smaller acts of fiscal idiocy). Like most of my ideas this theory didn’t actually originate with me, since it’s a financial strategy which Biblical Church Leaders have embraced since time immemorial, but I generally enjoy taking the credit for it regardless, and as the assembled political rulers are unsaved heathens to a man (including the women) they're unlikely to know otherwise.

indeed, perhaps the greatest living exponent of this principle has been little Donny Armstrong, who having almost successfully milked a cool $392,000 out of his parishioners is now attempting to resolve things by hitting them up for a further $1,500 per family - a move which is certain to get moms & dads just racing to become a part of all the excitement at St. Georges. You can read the details of this marvellous strategy for evangelism on p.14 of the St. George’s Worship and Program Guide (how long do you think they’ll be leaving this fabulous link up unedited?): those who’d rather donate through a gift of stock are encouraged to call Dareleen on 434-3364 – we’ve got some old Enron certificates laying around the house here somewhere, and if little Donny can’t on-sell them nobody can.

What this helpful guide doesn’t mention is that St. George’s beloved leader has now been arraigned to stand trial on 22 February, 2010: I dare say he’s been too busy telling the local paper how he’ll have all his debts paid off within the next 60 days.. Which, unless Donny’s got another parish scholarship fund hidden away somewhere nobody knows about, sounds a pretty tall order – but then again we are talking about the man who claimed ++Rowan Williams founded ACNA, so anything’s possible.

In fact the more I think about it, the more I realise that if Mme Sarkozy didn’t find me so irresistibly handsome the G20 leaders may well have invited little Donny to address them, instead of me. With the world’s economy this dismal they’re going to need some serious help spinning their way out of things, and not even the World’s Greatest Doctrinal Warrior can spout crap like Donald Armstrong III does.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Revd Ivan Ackeroff said...

Please, Father, don't create a scandal by running off with Mdme Sarkozy (although Carla Troll has a nice ring to it). We have sufficient problems with clergy guilty of embezzlement without Bible Scholars stealing President's wives.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Ah, like you´ve always taught and I´ve always believed, ¨God wants you to do whatever is necessary¨ to fight the battle of queers amongst us...it also goes without saying that you must have your expenses covered properly (by any means necessary) to fight the devil and his endless supply from the inclusive communities devilment funds.

Lapinbizarre said...

"he’ll have all his debts paid off within the next 60 days". Can it be that ACI about to repay the $170,000 loan, about which they continue to be so strangely silent, which Armstrong and his vestry claim is owed to them?

Canon Itchy said...

I can't get beyond the cover! Obviously dear Donny Strong-of-Arm didn't go to Twin Lakes' Bible College. Why is the cleric proclaiming the Gospel dressed in choir habit? A minor point, I know, and so is the identity of the nun in the congregation. Inquiring minds and all, ya know........

Lapinbizarre said...

"Why is the cleric proclaiming the Gospel dressed in choir habit?" Maybe because the bulk of the movable property, presumably including most of the vestments, was awarded to the Episcopal congregation, along with the Grace Church building?

David |Dah • veed| said...

I was thinking along similar lines Rabbit. This was what they could get out before the police turned them around and marched all their boxes right back into the building.

Anonymous said...

So deeply appreciated, I have to admit I enjoyed pg. 11 equally as much celebrating a new season of John Jay students at St. George's John Jay is a sort of reincarnation of a similar ministry (Witherspoon?)conducted by Alan Crippen while he was with the Dodson family of enterprises, I believe Sam Brownbeck was one of its products. Jay is a post grad. scholarship program with stipends for the "right" people with the "right" theology interested in developing the "right" political networks. You will also remember that Alan Crippen now a CANA priest, was previously spokeman for Armstrong. Armstrong served on John Jay's board and the "school" was allegedly hosted rent free in the new state of the art classrooms provided by Grace. Grace, under Armstrong's leadership, unlike most Episcopal churches did not waste all its outreach budget on loosing causes, like soup kitchens, pre-school programs for the children of working parents and the like, but, in its John Jay partnership, was hosting a real school, a nursery for post grads in need of a proper GAFCON theologica/political training.

Pg 14 is a one time injection of capital in the future of Grace. But Pg. 11 is an investment in the future, a commitment to raise up leadership for GAFCON's future, in the house, maybe the senate and even 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Now that's planning.