The past few days I’ve been terribly busy putting the finishing touches on a top-secret forthcoming presentation to the G20 summit. My attendance was initially proposed by the French President Nicholas Sarkozy, whose wife has been desperate to meet me since first seeing my picture here on this blog, and as the Canadian government is currently seeking my assistance in finding a way of sending David Short back to where he came from Prime Minister Stephen Harper naturally supported Monsieur Sarkozy’s initiatives. One thing led to another, and before you could say ”The hoary head is a crown of glory” I was packing my suitcase with some suitably lurid vestments (never forget Article Forty, my Dear Sinners) for a surprise visit to little Bobby Duncan while I’m in Pittsburgh.
The heart of my address will be an outline of what I call “Homeopathic Economics”, the essence of which involves resolving a large financial mess by subsequently making lots of small ones (although the process can also be reversed – as George W. Bush so clearly demonstrated - by preparing for a really big crisis by first indulging in countless smaller acts of fiscal idiocy). Like most of my ideas this theory didn’t actually originate with me, since it’s a financial strategy which Biblical Church Leaders have embraced since time immemorial, but I generally enjoy taking the credit for it regardless, and as the assembled political rulers are unsaved heathens to a man (including the women) they're unlikely to know otherwise.
indeed, perhaps the greatest living exponent of this principle has been little Donny Armstrong, who having almost successfully milked a cool $392,000 out of his parishioners is now attempting to resolve things by hitting them up for a further $1,500 per family - a move which is certain to get moms & dads just racing to become a part of all the excitement at St. Georges. You can read the details of this marvellous strategy for evangelism on p.14 of the St. George’s Worship and Program Guide (how long do you think they’ll be leaving this fabulous link up unedited?): those who’d rather donate through a gift of stock are encouraged to call Dareleen on 434-3364 – we’ve got some old Enron certificates laying around the house here somewhere, and if little Donny can’t on-sell them nobody can.
What this helpful guide doesn’t mention is that St. George’s beloved leader has now been arraigned to stand trial on 22 February, 2010: I dare say he’s been too busy telling the local paper how he’ll have all his debts paid off “within the next 60 days.”. Which, unless Donny’s got another parish scholarship fund hidden away somewhere nobody knows about, sounds a pretty tall order – but then again we are talking about the man who claimed ++Rowan Williams founded ACNA, so anything’s possible.
In fact the more I think about it, the more I realise that if Mme Sarkozy didn’t find me so irresistibly handsome the G20 leaders may well have invited little Donny to address them, instead of me. With the world’s economy this dismal they’re going to need some serious help spinning their way out of things, and not even the World’s Greatest Doctrinal Warrior can spout crap like Donald Armstrong III does.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.