Monday, September 7, 2009

Little Peter Jensen's Party.

About a week ago little Dobby Ould was permitted by his master, Lord Volder-Jensen of Sydney, to attend (upon payment of the requisite fee, of course) the Anglican Church League’s Centenary Dinner. The following morning, with his heart all a-flutter, the hapless house-elf posted at Viagraville a breathlessly gullible account of the wonders his beady little eyes had beheld at this glamorous event on the Antipodean pseudo-Calvinist calendar (despite their rhetoric, you’ve only got to look at any of their “ministry initiatives” to see they’re actually as Arminian as any other bunch of spittle-flecked revivalists).

For those not familiar with this fascinating organization, it’s the Australian Anglo-Baptist answer to Tammany Hall, although the ACL has never enjoyed Tammany Hall’s reputation for integrity and democracy. Nor did Tammany Hall ever embrace nepotism as shamelessly as these Australian synod-fixers, which as any Christian familiar with the Biblical account of Saul, Jonathan, and David, knows, is always how the Kingdom of God is furthered.

In fact little Dobby had such an exciting time (obviously Jensen family slaves don’t get out much) that he’s just shared another highlight of his gala evening: an account of the Anglican Church League’s splendid century of misogyny, homophobia, sectarianism, all all-round misanthropy.

Naturally this address wasn’t delivered by a qualified historian, but by the recently ordained grandson of a former Archbishop (I told you they’re serious about nepotism). Consequently as a piece of research it was as balanced as anything produced by, for example, such unbiased academics as Kim Il-sung’s hagiographers. Yet a few of my Australian correspondents have expressed dismay at their neglect to mention any of the ACL’s proudest moments.

Perhaps that’s because there are simply too many of these to recount: if you’re utterly convinced you have a monopoly on god then one hundred years offers a great many opportunities to mistreat your fellow humans. Certainly mention was made of the terrible circumstances that brought about the League’s formation: two congregations introduced Chasubles, while other Sydney parishes started incorporating such blasphemous popish follies as brass crosses and robed choirs! (Nashotah House must be so proud to see their advertising subsidize Dobby’s polemic), but sadly the finest accomplishments were indeed ignored.

Thus, for example, no mention was made of the former ACL President who twenty-five years ago was one of Peter Jensen’s most powerful patrons. Indeed, it’s doubtful the Gafcon faux-primate would be where he is today were it not for the support once given to him by little ex-Reverend Victor Roland Cole. A tireless fighter in the battle against women’s ordination, “Big Vic” eventually found his ministry cut short when word got out about the liturgical role for women he claimed to have identified in Scripture; a musical ministry involving a fourteen year-old girl blowing tunes upon his Oboe of Orthodoxy.

This omission is a pity, because the story of dirty old Vic Cole is also a charming illustration of the way the Anglican Church League protects their own: it took 20 years, three consecutive Archbishops, mentions in parliament and a Royal Commission into police corruption, not to mention significant media outrage, before this was finally demanded. Not even Tammany Hall was that tenacious when it came to protecting child abusers. But then again Tammany Hall never accused the Episcopal Church of immorality either.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

10 comments :

Leonardo Ricardo said...

It´s hard to imagine the depth of the feardriven/pridefilled shallowness that emits crime and corruption when strutting Calvinist Anglicans in Sydney/beyond start prancing around on unsound moral ground.

Fred Schwartz said...

Australia, isn't that a penal colony somewhere?

Lapinbizarre said...

Also on the mote and beam front, this piece in yesterday's Observer relates to scripturally-approved goings-on (Jephta's daughter & all that) in Uganda. It is clearly far more pleasing to God (or perhaps to their North American paymasters?) that the Ugandan Church heaps coals of fire on Sodomite TEC clergy, than that they concern themselves with child sacrifice and ritual murder on the home front.

Revd Ivan Ackeroff said...

I have often wondered how many members of the "Anglican" League are players of the "pink oboe". Poor Vic wasn't cured of this musical affliction. Perhaps League members have a biblical ministry to create ex-oboe players.

Lifting the Rock said...

Those interested in seeing how the ACL rose to such power and influence in Sydney might find Stephen Judd's PhD thesis of interest - "DEFENDERS OP THEIR FAITH": POWER AND PARTY IN THE ANGLICAN DIOCESE OF SYDNEY, 1909-1938

Doorman-Priest said...

The pink oboe? I must remember that.

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness Big Vic had not discovered his prostate, or that poor young woman would have been traumatized even more.

Dying Anglican said...

Even more concerning is the legacy of Big Vic...

Anonymous said...

The younger apple did not fall far from the tree.........

Clare said...

"Playing the pink oboe" - very neat. Especially since I (the "poor young woman" concerned) was a clarinettist at the time.

Vic later defended his actions as less heinous because "there was no actual intercourse". Whether oral sex is any less traumatic than vaginal sex is a debatable point, but it's a telling reflection on the ethics of the ACL inner ring that he thought it was morally less reprehensible.

Then there was the other ACL member who, with a signed confession from a perpetrator in front of him, dismissed a complaint with "yes, but these women fantasise"...

I'm afraid I came to the conclusion that such attitudes were almost a prerequisite for advancement in the ACL, and that family and marriage networks merely facilitated the propagation of it.