Monday, September 14, 2009

The Lost Symbol: A Christian Review.

As the world’s Most Important Doctrinal Warrior, it made perfect sense for Dan Brown and his publishers to send me an advance copy of his latest assault on the Amazonian rainforests (just be glad nobody’s figured out a way of printing books on polystyrene). After all, I’ve long been famous for my compassionate and understanding ministry to those stupid enough to believe the New Age movement’s nonsense: if it’s ok for Random House to squeeze millions out of the spiritually gullible there’s no reason Christian Leaders like myself, Steve Wood, and Nicky Gumbel can’t also milk them for a share.

Now I know The Da Vinci Code had less Biblical Christians than myself up in arms, and I won’t deny that in suggesting Christ’s penis wasn’t purely decorative it was indeed a work of filthy blasphemy. Yet let’s face it, the real bad guys of the story were foreigners and Roman Catholics - so it can’t be said Brown wasn’t accurate when it came to the essence of the Gospel. Nor was his understanding of church history worse than that of any ACNA “bishop”: by attempting to substantiate his story through making up facts Dan Brown stands firmly in the Conservative tradition personified by little Peter Jensen and his claim of lay presidency being authentically Anglican, or Bobby Duncan's earlier insistence that Pittsburgh is part of Argentina. So what’s really so outlandish about alleging Mary Magdalene signed Jesus’ name on her child-support papers? Bishop Quinine’s been signing David Virtue’s name on loan applications for years, and while that may have contributed to the mess that Lehman Brothers found themselves in it also proves it takes more just a little petty fraud to destroy Christianity.

Naturally I haven’t actually bothered to finish reading The Lost Symbol, although in my case it isn’t simply because the plane landed or that I was mugged in the Greyhound terminal. Nor did I trade it with the lifer in a cell across the walkway for cigarettes and a mug of prison hooch, or any of the other every-day circumstances in the average Dan Brown reader’s life. Rather I just lost interest in whatever it was Brown’s characters were looking for: the symbol may be a puzzle to them, but it sure isn’t a mystery to anyone responsible for this latest literary hype. In fact it’s a religious symbol Brown and his entourage have been familiar with for years – a capital ‘S’ with a vertical line running through it – and it’s one that only a fool thinks can ever pose a threat to the Cross.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

9 comments :

Brad said...

The Masons, according to the Russian Orthodox, are conspiring with the Jews and Jesuits to take over the world starting with Mother Russia.
It's true, I tells yah!

constant gina said...

We are now entering an age where digital copy sales will surpass the physicals, by far. Welcome to 2010.

David |Dah • veed| said...

If by digital copy sales you mean the movie, yes dear sister, that is what I am holding out for.

jasob bakely said...

Great for him I 'm glad he's selling millions...

Anonymous said...

Actually, you should finish reading it because the symbol is a word ant the word is the WORD OF GOD. Sorry to spoil the ending. This is how ignorance is spread.tors

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

No Anonymous. Ignorance is spread by idiots who take everything they read on the web literally, and then feel compelled to post anonymous comments.

Dan said...

Now, I'm not a Christian, but I know many that are and they have read The Lost Symbol. They don't have a problem with it, and personally,, I just don't see your beef. I'm sure Dan Brown didn't intend to offend but instead write an entertaining book that will have it's critics, but will appeal to those who like this genre. And it seems that your hypocrisy knows no bounds: I believe ignorance is spread through idiots who take everything they read in paperback books literally. The book wasn't written for you, or anybody who wishes to read something they know they'll take offence to simply so they can sit at their computer moaning about how they uphold the Christian faith, but instead is aimed at Dan Brown's fans, people who like this kind of material. And just to expand your hypocrisy, Christianity is supposed to be a religion of love, not one that spreads hate through their blog upon readers of a book that some don't like but others love. I think you need to get over yourself.

This opinion was brought to you by a non-anonymous 14-year-old called Dan, and open-minded, liberal-thinking boy (not a man) that is sensible and doesn't have his head stuck up his ass thinking he's the only true saviour of the Christian religion. Incidentally, the same person that just handed you your ass, freshly whooped, on a silver platter - thank you and good night.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Nor am I an idiot - but I receive a great many messages from drive-by trolls who are...

Do you really expect anyone here is going to believe in the existence of 14 old boy with nothing better to do with his time than hunting down and responding to year-old posts n parody blogs about b-grade historical fiction???

If that's what you call an ass-whipping you've got a long way to go, kid. Reading the comment immediately prior to yours might be a good place to start.

Mirza Ghalib Shayari said...

Big fan of dan brown and robert langdon since The Da-vinci Code. Da vince code was a masterpiece. After reading Da-vinci code i read Angels and demons which was equally impressive. I brought Lost symbol with huge expectations and as i completed reading around 400 pages i was kicking myself for my buy. Story is very similar with not much twists. Ending of the story is a bit pale and would disappoint you if you are ardent Robert Langdon Fan
People reading Dan Brown's novel for the first time might be very much impressed but those who have read da-vinci code , it is utter disappointment
Rating would have been much lower if it was not a Robert Langdon Triller. 2.5 for the novel and .5 specially for Robert Langdon