Well I’m home again in Ichabod Springs, and things are finally getting back to normal after all the excitement of the G20 summit. Naturally the assembled world leaders were extremely impressed by my presentation, and I’ve no doubt that during their eternal future in the fires of Hell they‘ll look back fondly upon the Words of Wisdom I so generously imparted.
However one concern I must share with you all was that the world’s most blessed and prosperous nations – namely Nigeria, Rwanda, and Uganda – were notable in their absence. This was probably for reasons similar to that which compelled Biblical Christians to boycott Lambeth; the terrible ambivalence among attendees about the tsunami of homosexualism sweeping across our planet, and a general unwillingness to acknowledge Bishop Robinson’s responsibility for the global financial crisis.
I also had serious concerns about the Australian delegation: they may well have been imposters, since not one of them was named ‘Jensen’. Still, given the parties young Silvio Berlusconi and his charming entourage held it’s quite understandable that this wasn’t an issue about which anyone cared. Indeed, it was a true inspiration to witness first-hand the Italian PM faithfully applying the Biblical example of King Solomon to the context of modern leadership, and if his bodyguards hadn’t subsequently confiscated my camera I’ve no doubt the footage would have proven most profitable. While perhaps not exactly edifying in any conventional sense of the term, it certainly offered a lesson in what can be accomplished when one attains the right combination of money and power: never mind Rick Warren; if little Bobby Duncan could only show that scene to ambitious young men he’d have them falling over each other in a rush to become successful faux-bishops.
Lastly I’d especially like to thank the people of Pittsburgh for giving their police officers the chance to pretend they’re sides-persons at an ACNA Vestry meeting. They did a marvelous job of showing what can be accomplished when excess testosterone is combined with a profound insecurity about the size of one’s you-know-what and let’s face it: who needs the first amendment when you can have shiny black uniforms with steel-toed boots? Besides, what would the liberals at the Thomas Merton Center know – of course Jesus wants His followers to use truncheons and teargas in His name. There’s simply no better way to show sinful young trouble-makers (and anyone else daring to question the right for executives of failed banks to be paid their bonuses out of the public purse) how much God loves them.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.