Reaching out to the lost (and renamed).

In these nefarious times it’s impossible to understate the importance of evangelism. Travelling around and quarrelling with your fellow members of the Communion is great fun, and unquestionably personally edifying, but as little Bobby Duncan’s already discovering, money doesn’t grow on trees - it comes out of the pockets of those faithfully sitting week after week upon one’s pews. That’s why, if the Church is to survive the terrible expenses brought upon us by the need to fly off to yet another crucial conference we must all explore new ways of exploiting groups hitherto overlooked by Bible-believers.

One avenue of outreach which has proved particularly profitable here at St. Onuphrius’ has been our Witness Protection Scheme Ministry. Through our compassionate and uncompromising teaching of The Word we’ve seen lives transformed in ways that the creation of a new identity and appearance-altering plastic surgery alone could never accomplish.

Take ‘Steve’, for example. A quietly-spoken man with tremendous respect for The Scriptures (but who sadly has lately grown remiss when it comes to paying his tithes and offerings), nobody meeting him today would realise he was once Jim Delgarno; the underworld-underling who double-crossed some of the most dangerous drug-lords in the country before subsequently betraying them all in return for impunity from prosecution.

Indeed, every time I see Jim Steve in his place of employment (he now works at the Ichabod Springs Town Hall, where he’s a clerk in the Treasury), I cannot help but be reminded of Fundamentalism’s power to bring out the very best in people. What’s more, anybody passing his house at 1034 Troll Boulevard (it’s part of development named in my honor after I prayerfully assisted in overturning local planning restrictions) can clearly see the blessings which have come upon Steve’s wife and children (the glass in the front windows isn’t really bullet-proof: it was cheaper to simply bribe the inspectors responsible) as a result of responsibility for Witness Protection Schemes being outsourced in Church/Government partnerships like this one.

What’s more, it’s a fact that other participants in this ministry look to Jim Steve as an example of what their futures may also hold. Naturally I’m certain they’ll all prove a little more diligent than ‘Steve’ in ensuring they never forget to support St. Onuphrius’ materially, although I must hasten to add this hasn’t had the slightest influence upon my love for Steve and his family – as is evidenced by the large insurance policy the Parish Council recently took out upon them to ensure that whether in life or death, Steve and his family will continue supporting the Ministry Team.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.