Sunday, January 3, 2010

The 2009 Gaffe-Con Awards - Division 2: Genitally-Challenged Ministry.

This division used to be known as “The Award for Women’s Ministry”, but Dearly Beloved Sinners will know of my fervent commitment to political correctness, and it seemed appropriate to move with the times and rename it to something more inclusive. Besides, the new title now gives little David Virtue a chance of winning.

I’d even hoped my son Sad Brad Evans could put in a good showing under the revised category, but unfortunately his ongoing affliction with Pratt’s Disease prevented him from achieving anything more significant than a little pathetic trolling when Matron wasn’t watching her computer. Consequently the winner was never in doubt, and the title remains firmly in the hands of the 50-something percent of humanity whom St. Paul allegedly refused to let teach, although they were permitted to minister and occupy significant positions of leadership within the early church: My Beloved Sinners – the winner of the 2009 Gaffe-Con Award for Genitally-Challenged Ministry is the Reverend Canon Doctor Alison Barfoot.

“International Relations Assistant” to the man who epitomizes Uganda’s peaceful past, Archbishop Henry Orombi, Alison spent 2009 doing everything possible to make those whom Our Lord Jesus Christ foolishly forgot to explicitly condemn unwelcome in His Church – even going so far as to express her unabashed love for a Church leadership with no qualms about wanting to kill those daring to live as God made them to be. What’s more she managed to accomplish all this and more despite looking like she wears sensible shoes and drives a Subaru.

Nor should anyone contemplate asking questions about her own marital status: Alison may be footloose and fancy-free, but that doesn’t take away her right to cast the first stone. Clearly she just hasn’t found the right man yet, but as the charming picture below shows, she’s certainly keeping in practice for when “Mr. Right” finally does come along.

Alison Barfoot opens her mouth for ministry
No: most Gafconeers may on account of her gender not recognize this fine lady’s Priesthood, but here’s no denying she’s been able to spread schism, lies and hatred as effectively as many a man. It’s in no small part due to her connections that ++Orombi was able to rack up as many frequent-flyer points as he did in 2009, and should Uganda’s bold proposed stand against human rights become law, and blood once again flow in Kampala’s delightfully impoverished streets (or at least inside its prisons), it’s highly probable Alison Barfoot will win this award again next year for her noble role in helping to ensure the world’s Anglicans stood by and did nothing to stop the slaughter.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Vestavia Fortunoff said...

Poor, poor Alison. She needs a man almost as badly as Matt Kennedy does.

Leonard said...

I think she looks like that Dr. Steven Knoll person in drag...could it be...something happening, very strange, odd physcial profiling at The Anglican Church of Uganda...really, they are very heavy on the twist and turn as they think all White Folk look alike!

Irregular Imports, no chance of homosexualist activity or adultry here (but as my dear friend Lillian Ezer used to say, ¨there is someone for everyone in this World¨).

Amen to that!

Anonymous said...

It's such a shame women priestesses aren't allowed at Walsingham where the gorgeous Ms Barefeet might find 'Mr Right'. I understand the Administrator is single too.Although, perhaps like Alison, he may be one of "nature's bachelors".

Bruce said...

The mustache has to go!

Mehitabel the Cat said...

Go easy, Bruce. I have been an admirer of Dr Barfoot's facial grooming for quite some time now. Thanks, Fr Christian, for allowing me to express this sentiment by linking and dedicating to her this song, which comes to mind unbidden whenever I read of her.

Cardinal Pirelli said...

I have posted a clearer image of the Rev'd Dr Barfoot, proudly wearing your insignia around her neck, Fr Christian.

The Werewolf Prophet said...

OMG, can you say "Self-Loathing Closet Dyke?"

I knew you could!

Anonymous said...

Thank you Fr. Christian for your recognition of the tireless work of this true believer. I recall with some pleasure her work at Overland Park, her Marvelous Memo, in which she laid out the strategy for overseas support of the ACNA dioceses. I just hope that the Rt. Rev. Stanton's wife is able to provide her the compensation that she is so clearly deserves. With out her and other such such other fine Ugandans like Stephen Noll and other great Africans like Canon Anderson and Martyn Minns we would be adrift in a sea of paganism

Anonymous said...

She just hasn't found the right man--one with a hoohoo.

Erika Baker said...

She's living proof that a woman needs a man to be her head - or should that be her brains?

Anonymous said...

The latest tidings from the lovely Alison's outpost in Orthodoxy's Homeland:

Witch-doctors reveal extent of child sacrifice in Uganda

A BBC investigation into human sacrifice in Uganda has heard first-hand accounts which suggest ritual killings of children may be more common than authorities have acknowledged.

One witch-doctor led us to his secret shrine and said he had clients who regularly captured children and brought their blood and body parts to be consumed by spirits.

Meanwhile, a former witch-doctor who now campaigns to end child sacrifice confessed for the first time to having murdered about 70 people, including his own son.

The Ugandan government told us that human sacrifice is on the increase, and according to the head of the country's Anti-Human Sacrifice Taskforce the crime is directly linked to rising levels of development and prosperity, and an increasing belief that witchcraft can help people get rich quickly.

In the course of our investigation we witnessed the ritual torching of the shrine of a particularly active witch-doctor in northern Uganda by anti-sacrifice campaigners.

The witch-doctor allowed ceremonial items including conch shells and animal skins to be burned in his sacred grove after agreeing to give up sacrifice.

He told us that clients had come to him in search of wealth.

"They capture other people's children. They bring the heart and the blood directly here to take to the spirits… They bring them in small tins and they place these objects under the tree from which the voices of the spirits are coming," he said.

Asked how often clients brought blood and body parts, the witch-doctor said they came "on average three times a week - with all that the spirits demand from them."

More here.