Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Live-Blogging Bermuda: Answering the Call

In the wake of a trivial misunderstanding, which has caused a spot of bother at home, Bishop Quinine and I have felt strongly called to join the other GAFCON “Global South” leaders in Bermuda, where I have no doubt the partying Primates will be only too grateful to wallow in the spiritual Jacuzzi of my wisdom.

Naturally this decision was, like the Diocese of Mordor’s “investment” strategy, only made after much prayer, and the fact that our apostate liberal Bishop has demanded I appear and explain why so many people were upset by part of St. Onuphrius’ contribution to Ichabod Springs’ ecumenical “Easter Sunday Family Parade” has nothing to do with the haste of our departure. Indeed, when God demands one attend an important conference and preach His Word a man of my standing has no option but to obey. Besides, if the fact that we were able to purchase two first class return tickets with the credit card Bishop Richthofen’s friend from Seminary stole from little David Virtue isn’t confirmation of the Spirit’s call then I don’t know what is.

As an added blessing, My Beloved Sinners, I intend live-blogging proceedings, giving an inspiring insight into what life is like for those who, like myself, have been called to a life of service and surrender for the Gospel. Yes; one can be sure it’s not all beer and skittles in our spiritual war against Homosexualists and Vicars-with-Vaginas: there’s also golf and tennis, and the sacrifice involved in partaking of some of the world’s finest wines. The task the Lord has put before me is to ensure everyone of you gains a deeper understanding of what the greatest names in the Glorious Global Schism endure on your behalf, and an appreciation of how much hard work is involved in ensuring the kinds of people Jesus called friends are driven away from His Church today.

Meanwhile I have thoughtfully entrusted my Curate, Evangelical Eric, with responsibility for sorting out the confusion which arose through the performance given by “Pirate Pete and Missy Mermaid” last Sunday afternoon. It’ll be a good chance for him to exercise the leadership skills which I have been caringly encouraging him to develop during his past year with us, and as he will undoubtedly explain, we can hardly be held responsible if our personal purity causes us to fail to appreciate the wicked subtleties of this perverse and sinful age’s language. As any reasonable person will agree, the St. Onuphrius’ Ministry Team (and more importantly, their leader) can’t honestly be expected to have realized that the expression “adult entertainers” means something more than just that the performers are over 21. What’s more, we found them on the internet, so how could anyone have imagined there’d be something unwholesome about their act?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed! mind you it was touch and go. We had our problems you see, a strong east winds had dramatic consequences for the new fire, burning embers everywhere. Not to mention our deacon nearly going up in smoke, but still the bishop and the faithful looked on and seemed to be enjoying themselves. Well I suppose your all waiting to here the latest from Tuck’s Point. I cancelled my appointment with nurse Wendy for my quarterly Colonic only to be turned away at the gates by a big strapping security officer. Apparently Bobby Duncan told security to keep an eye out for dodgy characters and I must have looked particularly dodgy yesterday. But I can report that the gangs all here, ++ Kenya, ++ Nigeria, ++ Rwanda, ++ Akinola, ++ Jensen and not to forget Billy Atwood and Bobby Duncan and a host more. Apparently everybody enjoyed a lovely lunch and fellowship at various tables no meeting followed lunch. One of my associates the dear old Dean, rather aptly described the collective Primates as “rebels without a cause”, their issues are simply not ours and it’s all very sad. The local press did show up towards the end so there may be some further information coming through, but nothing to get excited about. You may have to wait until Singapore for the fun to start, this is only a planning session.

Fr Innovation
Chaplain for the Triangle

Anonymous said...

Thanks Fr. Troll, WONDERFUL coverage (thank goodness you´ve all been sponsored by fine families who have spent lifetimes offering loans to lowly others at advantages interest rates)

I too am close enough to hear the inner-most-moanings of glee at the spite inspired selfdelighted conclave of hate-mongers for Cristo who have contaminated the Western Hemisphere with their overly gilded presence. These greedy jackasses are once again inspired by the high pitched whining of the former duncan pitts (creepy little turned down boca, verdad?) and other midget minds, with big mouths, of faith once delivered like cheap pizza while ignoring large gobs of fat fact. No doubt whatsoever that these twits are thrilled by the latest/dismal RC Pope dope news (What, no welcoming letter from Bennie this time like the Plano, Texas daze ¨Place to Stand¨?).

The Child Witchburning and Sex Slavery videos with back up clap-trap chatter are always so popular at fundie fund/hate-raising galas when used as publicity fodder for grandstanding fools who hate Gays or anyone doubt ¨horror and porn¨ will pack em in and be a ¨hit¨ when presented by the Central African overly-joyjuiced spiritualist big-tented smear/pogrom anti-human rights happy and clappy specialists (forget about the nearby REAL suffering of Haitians when lavish lunches are being served by the pool for these fools).

Twist and Shout...the stickyfingered English ¨fish for chips¨ (fishing around on the bottom of other peoples See) wacko is freshly ¨turned up/out¨ after another round of groveling and shop lifting on Avenida Santa Fe and all-points North!

Sputtering/spewing Howie will have sent more prepaid boletos for most all because he likes the sound, and substance, of shifty/shiftless old aspiring bragards wanting to bash queers and dressup in tropic versions of man lace. The picture hats are spectacular!

Think of it! All the Worlds NASTY Anglican Nobodies have gathered here is recharge their ignorance! Another chance for a colorfilled round of photoslop, no doubt about it!

Bigots kill. Anglican Bigots are deadly idiots on the run looking for another place to hide their slandering of others Anglicans and their persecution and hate.

Archbishop Ernesto Goldameir Nogauda-Smith-Choi

Brother David said...

Bishop Richthofen!

Has there been an irregular consecration? Dabnabit, I missed it. I love a good party.

Vestavia Fortunoff said...

As I recall, as long as the entertainers in question are over the age of 18 you are in the clear.

Praise be.

Brad Evans said...

Jesus, like Generalisimo Francisco France de Bahamonde, is still dead.
You're a schism from the Catholics; the Orthodox and Catholics think that the other is a schism from them; these people in Bermuda are a schism from you.
You'd think with someone all-knowing as your leader, you wouldn't have these difficulties.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Oh little Brad my son, your condition has clearly worsened since your return to the Institute. Schism is a good thing - it's the only atheists like the Dawkinsites who bicker and split.

Anonymous said...

My dear and Rev Dr Troll, this is simply unacceptable! No sooner had I returned home from my weekly round of golf at the Mid Ocean Club, I was teamed with a lovely little chap by the name Okoh, I think he was from Nigeria. I received an urgent telephone call from Her Majesty’s Customs at the Airport. They told me that they had received a crate from Ichabod Springs labled for the Tucker’s Point Club FAO the GAFCON Primates. It contained one Brad Evens he was in a most terrible state agitated and in an appalling state of disarray, he kept blathering on about vestments and Benediction. Apparently the GAFCON Primates refused to accept delivery, so the authorities call me. Vestments and Benediction may have had something to do with making the connection. My question to you dear Fr Troll is WHAT DO YOU WANT ME DO THITH HIM. He is making a terrible mess, much more of this and he will have to go into the Cathedral crypt.
Fr Innovation

Anonymous said...

I probably shouldn´t say anything but while handing out the Dorkels (Snorkels for Dorks) at the over-their-head deep end of the pool I noted there was some underwater mischiefmaking being ¨done¨ by two of them Lordships from foreign places...lucky for the others guestos they were pressed up against the biggest of them two underwater lights thereby casting a different vision, a version of dancing faires in the moonlight (kinda pretty and all)...tomorrow I get to work the English Gibletpie´s so fun amongst these puffed up pasteries/fruitcakes (only bad part is they don´t tip and expect me to be a full-serving operation).

Gilbert Underwarmer, Employee Number 00769--Room Service

Anonymous said...

Fr Christian
I just read the most frightening and disturbing bit of information on the Sola Panel blog site. Here is a snippet..
'Until I understand that I am a sinner, that God really hates me for it, and that I really am going to the place where the fire burns without being extinguished and the worm does not die, I can't begin understand the love he showed me when his Son died in my place for my sins, bearing the full weight of his Father's wrath against me.'

Fr Christian,
Does this me that the only way I can be saved is by becoming a materialistic right wing sexist homophobic mono-cultural evangelical Calvinist bigot? With this type of threat by God, one has to convert or burn in hell! And these people want to influence society? I wonder if they are truly worried about our souls or do they wish to evangelicalize the world in right wing US politics?
No wonder African preachers love this type of theology. This type of thinking mixed with superstition equates to tremendous personal abusive power.
Until I read this I just thought God loved me. In fact I thought God loved everybody and created us in his image.

From a lost and confused goat.

Brad Evans said...

I haven't split; I never joined anything. One of the great things about being atheist is that it's free and you never have to go to meetings.

Anonymous said...

It's nice to know that 'the boys' are still on course. It would be a shame for them to make a U turn when heading along a path of destruction. Hopefully the only casualities will be themselves!

'...the production of critical
theological resources and participation in multi-national mission initiatives.
We gave thanks for the visionary and sacrificial leadership of our founding chairman, Archbishop Peter J. Akinola, retired Primate, Church of Nigeria (Anglican Communion). We are also grateful for his courageous stand for the
faith once and for all delivered to the saints and his leadership both of the Church of Nigeria and also within the wider Anglican Communion.

We elected the Most Rev’d Gregory Venables, Presiding Bishop of the Southern Cone, as the Chairman and the Most Rev’d Emmanuel Kolini, Church of Rwanda, and the Most Rev’d Eliud Wabukala, Anglican Church of Kenya as the
Vice-Chairmen. The Most Rev’d Peter Jensen, Diocese of Sydney, Anglican Church of Australia, continues as General Secretary.'

Anonymous said...

Fr. Troll,

Did you ever get to Bermuda? Looks like they had a grand party without you. I'll send Agent 99 to look for you.

+ Fr. Maxwell Smart