Saturday, September 25, 2010

Pass the Parcel, Lambeth Style.

I’ve always said the wicked apostate liberal Archbishop of Canterbury is really a Conservative Biblical Christian. Sadly this is something many of my weaker brethren at places like Viagraville have failed to comprehend, despite my having frequently explained it in words of no more than one syllable, but little Rowan Williams has finally made the truth clear enough for even George Conger to understand. (Alright – maybe not that clear, since His Grace’s revelation wasn’t accompanied by smutty pictures, but my point stands.)

However finally, no doubt in response to my repeated urgings and advice, the Pointiest Hat in the Communion has run his flag up the pole, and not in the sense that happens in Peter Ould’s troublesome dreams either. That’s right: he’s displayed all the true attributes of a Conservative Leader, and when faced with an opportunity to give clear decisive guidance responded with cowardice and dishonesty.

Naturally I’m over the moon (and not in that sense either, Peter) with joy at His Cantaurness finally proving himself every bit as morally consistent as little Martyn Minns, whose faithful application of CANA canons concerning the ministry of confessed criminals serves as a role model for schismatics everywhere. Having said that gay bishops are "no problem" for him per se, our Lord in Lambeth then declined to explain why this absence of problems resulted in Dean John twice being blackballed (Peter! Stop It!!!).

But then, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, Rockin’ Rowan really showed us how to swing Conservative-style - anyone would've thought the man was a Republican facing questions about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. When asked if he personally wished objections against those called by God to the office of Bishop actually becoming Bishops could be in some way overcome he delivered a timeless response, one showing exactly how bright the future really is for Clergymen of my own calibre and inclinations: “Pass.”

There's only problem, however. As an answer “Pass” generally results in one eventually being declared The Weakest Link.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

It is surely time for Anglican Primates to install CCTV cameras in every cleric's bedroom. Perhaps Peter Ould could be appointed "Post-Gay Bedroom Minister" to report any sinful violations against God's (and ++Rowan's) Word. As a man obsessed with gay sex, Mr Ould might even enjoy the job.

Lapinbizarre said...

With respect, Fr Jass, endlessly watching bonking vicars could be the panacea for unwanted gay sex attraction. There again, it would likely have the same effect where heterosexual impulses are concerned, would it not?

Could provide the pool of celibate bishops-elect that Rowan seems to be seeking.

Leonard said...

Why doesn´t ++Rowan start getting inventive and realistic about his absurd/prejudiced demands?

Aren´t there hundreds of Anglican hospitals throughout the world where clergy casterations could be performed before consecrations?

No sense relying on honor and God...on another, and more everyday topic: maybe there could be a little minor surgery to remove the greedy paws of Episcopal thieves (on a as need basis)too (for those cloven-hoofed candidates who have a little history of supporting the efforts of stickeyfingered border crossing Anglicans from Uganda and Nigeria).

Both of these holy safety measures could be added as point 5 to the Anglican Communion Covenant and then it really would represent the mind of the Communion.

Unknown said...

Dear Father Christian,

Could you please please please start posting more often? Brad the Troll has shown up from his little cave over at my blog, and it really is too sad for words. If you could have more frequent posts here, perhaps he could be kept busy posting here and not bother an old dog such as myself.

Thanks very much!