Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Second Epistle to The Beloved Sinners

From Fr. Christian Troll, a prisoner for the sake of our Lord Holy Bible:
By the grace of my own righteousness the trifling matter which brought me here is just about resolved,. Unfortunately, however, apostate Federal authorities have successfully sought to continue my detention whilst clarifying an apparent similarity between my DNA and that of someone named D. B. Cooper: obviously they’re completely mistaken as I’ve never so much as even heard of the man, whom I must say does appear to be extraordinarily handsome, and is undoubtedly a remarkably wise and mature Biblical Christian.

Not that this should cause My Beloved Sinners any further stress than that you’re already enduring as a result of my current inability to generously deliver internet homilies on a more regular basis. One way or another I’m sure to be out of here soon: Bishop Quinine has purchased a toy helicopter from a Chinese guy at a stall in the mall, and has been making Evangelical Eric continuously practice flying it while watching a video of Breakout: as soon as the young man has finished growing a Charles Bronson moustache (which I regret to say is taking him rather longer than I would wish) the pair of them will be a chartering a full-size chopper and lifting me to freedom before you can say Isaiah 40:31 (or perhaps “Pascal Payet” if you’re not familiar with those few parts of the Old Testament not directly concerned with homosexualism).

In the meantime I must say how terribly boring the news has been from the broader world of the glorious Anglican Schism. After all – it must have been months since little Bobby Duncan announced a new plan to establish 20,000 new churches, or even appointted a few hundred new bishops. In fact the most exciting thing to have happened in Christendom seems to have been Dobby Ould’s recent world trip (what’s the name of the delightful furry rodent renown for deserting sinking ships again?), in which he got terribly excited about some Arizona fundamentalists with a predilection for guns.* I believe on his next holiday our favorite house-elf will be visiting the South Pole, where he’ll be amazed to find snow. Followed by a hiking trip in the forest, wherein we shall all be blessed with a fascinating blog post vis-à-vis his astonishing discovery that bears excrete in the you-know-where.

All of which is in stark contrast to the tremendous victories of my own ministry in here: I’m proud to say I’ve now prepared a great many of my fellow inmates for ordained ministry in ACNA, and their transition from Bishop Quinine’s smuggled contraband (mainly cigarettes and girly books) to the trinkets of the ever-munificent Jack Iker and Bobbie Duncan (funny faux-mitres and rented Adventist meeting houses) should surely be a simple one. Nor very different to that undergone by those who preceded them.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

*If you really must cut and paste: http://www.davidould.net/index.php?/blog/comments/adult_sunday_school_in_arizona_automatic_weapons
The comments following are funny: he is accused of telling untruths concerning his hosts' firearms.


Anonymous said...

Since you were imprisoned, Father, 'Bishop' David Moyer has been evicted from the Church he stole in Pennsylvania, and mad Col. Gaddafi has been removed from Libya. This proves that deranged dictators like the Jensens are doomed for extinction.
It is SHOCKING that Dobby Ould is spending his ill-gotten gains on a tour of his fundamentalist friends whilst his poverty-stricken twin languishes on the post-gay dole.

Anonymous said...

You need to celebrate your diversity more.
And enjoy having the same numbers you had 80 years ago but with one-third yoru percentage of the population.
Read "The XTian Century" (October 2010) for fun news on your most recent attendance figures.

Brother David said...

Brad is soooooooooooo booooooring!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Yes, he is indeed boring.

And yet in a world which is always changing he does serve as a comforting reminder that at least something can stay the same. Continental plates drift, and even the lowliest of bacteria evolve, but our Brad Evans just keeps posting the same thing over and over. No wonder he's obsessed with the concept of diversity - it must challenge the very essence of his existence.