Sunday, March 18, 2012

"So long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodbye...." (До свидания!)

Across the universe, in every nook, cranny, and crevice, people are weeping. Women are tearing their hair with grief; men are beating their chests while asking how things could have ever come to this. On Wall Street important young financiers look up from sheets of numbers with tear-brimmed eyes, and at the Hon Hai Precision Industry Co. (better known to you as Foxconn) factories in Shenzhen young girls regret signing contracts forbidding them from celebrating the miracle of global capitalism by leaping from their dormitory window.

And the reason for such sorrow, My Beloved Sinners? That you need to ask not only illustrates the depths of your depravity, but also how little attention you pay to little David Virtue’s “exclusive” announcement of Archbishop Deluxe Rowan William’s resignation of the throne of Canturbury. (Yes – little Mr. Virtue really did claim his tub-thumping is an “exclusive” – which more than justifies my forthcoming exclusive announcement concerning a discovery that rain falls in a primarily downward direction.)

Indeed, on Saturday, when I popped into the mall for a few pints of Crème de menthe (nothing keeps a Sunday 7.30 am congregation on their toes like swapping the Communion wine for something green) small children were still shrieking in sorrow (either that or they were frightened Bishop Quinine could be nearby) and their parents were clearly still in shock a day after ++Cantaur broke the Communion’s heart. Or at least they would have been in shock if they knew anything about Our Sacred Communion and the One True and Narrow Road along which its Orthodox members are marching unto salvation. As it was they appeared simply too busy with the task of enjoying the lives they’ve been given – but I’ve no doubt they would be as burdened with stress as any Biblical Christian if they would only repent and accept the truth that sets all Sinners free to wallow in guilt while obsessing about their church’s leadership.

Curiously enough, ++Rowan’s heart-wrenching decision to turn his back on a life of academic and theoretical leadership and devote more time to academia and theory came just after someone with the newly registered moniker of “Turnip Ghost” (six views when I first looked) left a comment on my previous Important Homily, revealing the fascinating news that “You need the Anglican covenant or Rowan Williams will lose a great deal of credibility.” - who’d have possibly thought our Beloved Bearded Primate still had any credibility left to lose? Especially when just three little words (“Bishop”, “Jeffrey”, and “John”) had settled that particular question once and for all.

Still, there’s no accounting for what you can learn on the internet, and I’ve found myself agreeing with something I read around the blogosphere to the effect of poor Rowan being left with no alternative other than to fall on his sword in the wake of the Covenant To Ban Homosexualist Bishops and Other Bad American Stuff failing to rally the world in a collective spirit of “Yay – let’s have more rules to exclude folk”. Since motions of no confidence aren’t really the kind of indaba encouraged in the rarified heights of Lambeth, the “No Covenant” votes have come about as close as we’ll ever see, and it looks like the message has been clear enough for the Archbishop of Canterbury to understand. Possibly because a Guiding Hand ensured it was in 19th century Russian, perhaps? Although I can’t personally recall Dostoevsky ever actually using the term “lame-duck”.

At which point I’ll have to leave you all for now: I’ve got to finish my personal letter of support to ++Rowan, thanking him for all he has done for the Church, and begging him to reconsider. Gifted wordsmith I may be, but finding the right words to convey our respect, gratitude, admiration, and appreciation isn’t easy: the opening is fine, but what do I say next after “Gee Rowan – it must suck to be you”?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

(please don´t mention the name of Archbishop Okoh of Nigeria nor Archbishop Orombi, or for that matter Archbishopito Duncan Pitts as the ABC thinks they are still his friends). Mil Gracias, Vilma Von Gomez-Stout, Virgin (mostly)

A Theolgian said...

Like David Virtue, I am privy to exclusive information of which no one else has knowledge. I knew YEARS AGO that Rowan Williams would resign after my friend Phillip Jensen called him a cheap prostitute.

JimB said...

I know I have some ego, in fact I think a lot of us have some. But calling the news that the ABC had resigned, "exclusive" now THAT is EGO! I suppose to be charitable, it is possible Dr. Virtue was referring not to the news but rather to the utter drivel he calls, "analysis?" And to be fair, he did set a new high standard for himself, he was actually correct when he said the archbishop had announced his resignation! One fact in a row for David is a new personal best.


Lapinbizarre said...

Earlier today, in a now deleted post at another site, "Turnip Ghost" revealed himself to be a raging homophobe, as he attempted to wax witty about AIDS victims. Seems being a crashing, humorless bore ain't enough for him.

Anonymous said...

You are gentle, angry people/and you are fighting, fighting for your lives.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Are we really?
(That must be the first time anyone has ever called me "gentle".)

Nicholas Okoh said...

May I wish Rowan many miserable years in retirement after he refused to uphold the Nigerian traditions of witch doctors, child sacrifice and the murder of homosexualists. We hope his beard becomes infected with cockroaches.
Yours in Christ

Anonymous said...

The role of Archbishop of Canterbury is irrelevant to those of us who are Baptists. An anti-homo rally is to take place in London in April. Our Glorious Leader from Sydney will be taking the minutes. GAFCON members are aware that I am their next Primate - if only Mr Jensen would ordain me.

Anonymous said...

You should consecrate a turnip-it couoldn't possibly do worse than anyone you've had lately and wouldn't make sharia statements or need beard grooming tools.