Sunday, August 5, 2012

Games People Play

Honestly, My Beloved Sinners, is there any other event in Biblical Christianity’s calendar as inspiring as the Olympic Games? The nationalism, the steroid stimulated loins clad in lycra, and more corrupt old men flying first class than a conference of Conservative Bishops – the Olympics truly are a foretaste of what the world will be like when Jesus finally gets around to coming back and tossing (lovingly, of course) everyone who doesn’t agree with my theology into the Lake of Fire.

Mind you, as an Olympic Gold Medallist myself (Live Pigeon Shooting – Paris 1900) I quite naturally have a special interest in The Olympic Movement, and the following picture of me raising my right in celebration of fascism’s only military victory with the definitive Olympic junketer, His Excellency Juan Antonio Samaranch, will always occupy a place of pride on the St. Onuphrius’ sanctuary wall. (I’m obviously the extraordinarily handsome clergyman in dark glasses on the far right – as a symbolic testimony to the purity of both my own and Olympic ideals I’m wearing a white clerical shirt instead of my more customary shade of practical duck-egg blue.)

Sadly, however, fewer and fewer of today’s athletes share my unequalled respect for Sacred Olympic values. Not only do the modern games permit women competitors, but in a sharp and tragic contrast to the Bible-believing days of Ancient Greece, contestants no longer participate nude. And I have it on good authority that being of a homosexualist persuasion – something unheard of in ancient Athens - is these days no bar to entry.

Nor should anyone get me started on the scourge of drugs. I attribute the demise of my own sport to this menace: blasting a pigeon into the hereafter is hardly a challenge when the little beasts are too stoned to fly – even if the resultant mess is nonetheless quite satisfying for someone who takes the Old Testament as literally as I do. That’s why I was so glad to see the opening ceremony’s musical directors were those two young men from Underworld, whose extensive involvement with the famously anti-drug dance/rave culture sends exactly the right message vis-à-vis substance abuse in sport.

Indeed: I’d be in London enjoying the Olympic Spirit myself were it not for the fact that I’m currently right in the middle of fighting to terminate a liberal subterfuge which has the potential to utterly destroy Conservative Christianity. Codenamed “Project Stop-Whining”, I’m not prepared to divulge many of the details here given that I have good reason to believe my homilies are frequently read aloud to not just those who are the product of Evangelical home-schooling, but also to women, so for now let me just say that it involves working in one’s parish with the same dedication and diligence as is expected of anyone in secular employment – a hideously radical notion which could not only render the Anglican Communion Institute completely irrelevant (presuming it isn’t already so), but could even lead to a world in which religious experts like David Ould were obliged to do something morre with their time than obsessively seeking to track down those who dare to laugh at them for being nasty dishonest pharisees.

Nevertheless, I’m proud to say St. Onuphrius’ has not been without representation at this Sacred Biblical Convocation. This past month our own Bishop Quinine has been personally assisting the Chinese team. While he’s had to be a bit secretive about the precise nature of his involvement (Olympic Protocol and all that), I do know he’s been working particularly closely with their swimmers, weight-lifters, and female shot putters (is there any sport as glamorous as shot putting?), and I’m absolutely certain he’s been providing them with the sort of spiritual inspiration that only a faux-bishop can deliver when appropriately remunerated. Nor has he been confining his Ministry to the Chinese: with the Jensenists too broke to provide pastoral care for any fellow Australians not a member of their immediate family Bishop Quinine has been called upon to also provide them with pastoral support – as anyone who read this news report will have immediately recognized.

Which is in itself just one small example of the much broader blessing of Peace and Global Understanding that the Sacred Olympic Movement has brought our depraved and sinful world. Looking through history one simply can’t deny the facts: just look at how an understanding of Olympic Ideals brought peace to Afghanistan, how encountering Olympic tolerance taught China the importance of Tibetan independence, and how that poster of Mark Spitz cured a generation of young men of homosexualist yearnings.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Calamity Jane said...

This post is really funny.

Hélène de Pourtalès said...

I well remember weeping with emotion at your magnificent slaughter of pigeons way back in 1900. It is good to know our Australian brethren are emulating your bible-based morality at the 2012 Olympics. Little Pete Jensen failed to destroy the Church of England on his frequent visits. Now that he has sent his drunken henchmen to vandalise a poverty-stricken nation like England, perhaps Dobby Ould might write a learned tome at Viagraville extolling Australia's magnificent sporting achievements. i.e. an abysmal drunken failure.

Leonard said...

Meanwhile, it´s clear that his Most Holy Bishopness Quinissimo has been made Archbishop of all Vietnam (that would be the former Norte y Sur)as great headways have been made by the Communist Government to legalize GAY MARRIAGE...ah, the thrill of it all, to honeymoon amongst the ruins of French doubt same-sex marriage will be fully legal in Gay Parie too soon and possibly China! Then what will the Global South self-named ¨tigers for Jesus¨ do? No doubt shoot a few pigeons and call it a MIRACLE OF A NEW day (after the trickle of funds from Sydney dry up)!

Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

Father Christian,
It is clear from your writings that one does noot have to be in England the "imbibe in a little olypic spirit". It is clear hat you do that frequently, not only duringthe Olympics but both before and after. Will that half-empty cup ever be fully empty?
And what of those weak and willful? This is the last week and the Olympics are now drawing to a close. Almost all the sports will be cloased save those that are performed and not necessarily recognized as a valid Olympic sport (though they may be much more fun; especially with Bishop Quinine being there and all).
As always, your erudition is beyond compare. Thank you for your continuing outreach.

Anonymous said...

Now we all need to celebrate our diversity!

Frank Remkiewicz aka “Tree” said...

Father Christian,

here is a hymn for your choir:

"Games People Play"

Send "Games People Play" Ringtone to your Cell

Oh the games people play now
Every night and every day now
Never meaning what they say now
Never saying what they mean

And they wile away the hours
In their ivory towers
Till they're covered up with flowers
In the back of a black limousine

La-da da da da da da da
La-da da da da da de
Talking 'bout you and me
And the games people play

Oh we make one another cry
Break a heart then we say goodbye
Cross our hearts and we hope to die
That the other was to blame

Neither one will give in
So we gaze at our eight by ten
Thinking 'bout the things that might have been
It's a dirty rotten shame


People walking up to you
Singing glory hallelulia
And they're tryin to sock it to you
In the name of the Lord

They're gonna teach you how to meditate
Read your horoscope, cheat your faith
And further more to hell with hate
Come on and get on board


Look around tell me what you see
What's happening to you and me
God grant me the serenity
To remember who I am

Cause you've given up your sanity
For your pride and your vanity
Turns you sad on humanity
And you don't give a da da da da da