Thursday, October 18, 2012

They’re not drug cheats – they’re just naturally hairy.

Truly, truly I say unto you, My Beloved Sinners: isn’t the current scandal involving Lance Armstrong and elite cycling simply terrible? Mind you, I’ve always said God should have included something in the Bible about never trusting anyone who makes a career out of wearing lycra. Which is not to suggest there is anything wrong with that delightful fabric per se: I myself possess a lovely lycra alb/chasuble combi-set which parishioners seeking my favor are always telling me looks most becoming. It’s just that – as any of those utterly unambitious men shortlisted for the position of Archbishop of Canterbury will tell you - there’s a vast gulf between doing something professionally, and doing it because of one’s vocation. Which is why we should all trust them completely as they each make the customary claim to have absolutely no aspirations concerning the fanciest gazebo in Lambeth.

Still, watching the latest debate between that fine young Orthodox Conservative Christian who is going to be the Next President of the Only True Christian Nation (with the exception of Nigeria, Uganda, Kenya and wherever it is that little “Bishop” Chuck Murphy is claiming canonical residence this week) and that other fellow who probably isn’t even an American made me wonder if all this attention on young men with an extraordinary predilection for sitting on the hard little saddle of a bicycle isn’t somewhat misplaced. I mean for goodness sake: the Tour de France involves rushing around France for twenty-three days without so much as once dropping by some nice little place with a few Michelin stars for a modest repast involving goose fat and a few dozen bottles of Château Mouton Rothschild, so expecting any fine square-jawed American boy to cope without a little something special spinning through his veins is, as far as I’m concerned, simply unBiblical.

No, if society wants to get serious about drug cheats and blood-doping we need to impose mandatory testing in those places where there obviously is a problem. After all, have you ever witnessed what goes on in a joint session of Congress? Don’t anybody dare try and tell me that all the testosterone flying around in there is natural: I’ve watched enough Sylvester Stallone movies to recognize ‘roid rage when I see it. Just think how the ratio of posturing to accomplishment would change if our leaders were all required to submit a little jar of their finest and freshest for analysis each morning.

Although my one concern is that having imposed the same standard upon those holding the highest office in the land as is expected of those who do something really important for a job, like rolling around in a big sweaty group behind someone wearing a yellow jersey, people might then get the idea of expanding the testing regime to those leading our Churches. Not, of course, that a clean-living Doctrinal Athlete like myself has anything to worry about, but I can’t say that there aren't doubts about some of my brethren at the cutting edge of the Glorious Realignment. Which mustn’t for a moment be taken as implying ++Rowan and -Bobby’s eyebrows are merely a side-effect of something purchased from a 380lb bodybuilder with prosthetic testicles who was once placed 3rd runner-up in the Mr. Olympia finals. It’s just that it’d probably be better for everyone if we didn’t know for sure.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

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