Monday, April 8, 2013

In a time of sorrow I bring you comfort...

My deepest and sincerest condolences go to My Beloved Grief-stricken British Sinners, whom I know are all devastated at the untimely demise of young Baroness Margaret Thatcher. No doubt the overwhelming burden of sorrow is particularly great for those of you living north of Leicester, or in Wales, although I believe the people of Brixton, who have nothing but fond memories for all she did for them, have also made no secret their heartfelt mourning.

As you all might expect, I was throughout her years of power a close and personal confidant of the woman who single-handedly destroyed communism with the help of Ronald Reagan. It is with great affection I recall the wonderful winter-evenings we shared by her fireplace in No. 10 Downing Street, laughing as we mused upon those dying from cold on account of an inability to pay heating bills vastly inflated through privatization. Or the way she’d softly smile as I suggested it would only be a matter of time before every man, woman, and child in Yorkshire, Liverpool, and Greater Manchester could be rounded up, processed, and sold in Surrey, Kent, and Hertfordshire as pet food...

But it wasn’t all fun and games, not at all. There was also hard work, not least the interminable pastoral visits to families of those killed in the Falklands war. Try as I might, none were ever able to appreciate the honor of having the life of their beloved son, husband, or brother thrown away in a pointless squabble over some rocks in the far south Atlantic, the sole purpose of which was to provide a grandstand upon which a politician could promenade to ensure her successful re-election. Not even later, when in a brave blow against godless big government dear sweet Margaret introduced the poll tax, did I hear any of these still-grieving families (who really should have by then pulled their socks up and got on with life instead of moping about the consequences of their dead loved one’s lifestyle decision to get killed on an island of which nobody had ever previously heard) express their gratitude. Even though she had so thoughtfully saved them from the evils of big-taxing socialism by imposing a new tax significantly greater than that which it replaced. All of which just goes to show how wickedly hard Sinners’ hearts can be.

Yet in this, our time of loss and tears, let’s not forget that dear little Margaret would be the last one wanting to anyone to display anything as pointless as compassion or emotion. No indeed; we can all be certain she’d all want us to continue without wavering towards the utopian beacon of economic rationalism (aka “slavery”) which burns before us just as brightly as it did when she lit its golden flames. Even if these days there is now a statutory charge for gazing upon it, and the plinth on which it stands bears advertising for products proven to cause cancer, and which are now illegal in countries where the media is not controlled by Rupert Murdoch.

Consequently I’d like to ask that you to all wipe away your tears in honor of one who did so much to the people of Britain. Rather than crying, I urge you to join Me in sharing a piece of wholesome family epitomising everything Baroness Thatcher stood for. Sing along as little people are joyfully dominated by big ones, and once again lose yourself in the illusion of a wonderful yellow brick road. Although it’s probably better to not allow yourself to be reminded that the golden pathway along which the young woman singing here journeyed led ultimately to divorce, drug and alcohol dependence, and premature death. Much like yellow brick road along which the woman for whom no more than 40% British citizens voted forced her nation to march...

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Tom O. said...

Is this more of that famous liberal compassion we keep hearing about?

But I must say, congratulations on fighting the oppression Margaret Thatcher has placed upon the low-information voters of America and Britian. And as we all know, the greatest way to fight evil is to act like a jackass.

Brother David said...

Tom, if you want to see a lot of jackasses fighting evil, you need to stop by and have a read at Viagraville.

Rev Al Fresco said...

Not since the death of Kim il-sung has Britain been in such a state of mourning. Please be brief, Dr Troll, in your homily at St Paul's Cathedral. Ronald Reagan will be listening and he has a short attention span. Don't forget to mention how the Baroness hated homosexuals, sinners and Archbishop Robert Runcie who said the witch was a warmonger.

Tom O. said...

@Brother David

The highly political Christianity of Stand Firm in Faith (what I presume is referred to by Viagraville) is just as toxic to the faith as humanist Christianity, which differs from the former only in their choice of lie (that God needs our help in stopping gun-control/Obama/whatever for the former, and that God will not judge you of your sins if you are Born That Way™ for the latter). The difference is that Viagraville's Christianity is demographically doomed, and thus irrelevant. However, humanistic Christianity is booming, and serves a crucial gateway to hardening of the heart, which results in general theism, which further results in agnosticism, and finally results in atheism, at which point, the heart becomes hard to a terrible degree.

Also, I'm not here to fight a crusade. The Reverend Troll who writes this blog is free to continue doing so. What he isn't free to do is to act like a act like a rabbit person and shut down all discourse by public shaming, which is, by the way, the primary purpose of satire.

Leonard said...

Ah yes, no doubt a death that can be attributed to a wounded brain (being stuck to death over the years by blunted hat pins inserted during poisoness temper tantrums).

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

You're quite right Tom. Satire is a terrible, terrible thing. Not least because it can lead to people laughing at the vain and powerful, whom everyone knows Jesus taught His followers to respect and admire.

BTW let me also compliment you on your diligence in recognizing the phrase "Born That Way" is indeed a registered trademark. Which is of itself a good thing, because if it wasn't some might accuse you of sarcasm - a form of wit I've heard frequently regarded as even more lowly than satire.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

And another thing: the link in your conment above isn't working, so I'm not quite sure what you mean by "a rabbit person". I have, however, on a number of occasions, been called to Minister (in a purely Biblical sense, and not always concurrently) to a number of young ladies who happened to have forgotten to wear any clothes when appearing in a magazine called "Playboy". Is it these to whom you refer?

Anonymous said...

Father Christian ~

Thank you for your ministry.

We in the 51st State of America (Tunbridge Wells) are bereft, bothered and bewildered at the demise of the Blessed Margaret.

Could you not lean on the new pope and rush through a swift beatification?

For did not Margaret get the obese and work-shy exercising and 'on their bike' via the good work of her disciple Norman?

For did not Margaret bless the Greedy for they shall inherit the privatised utilities' dividends?

For did not Margaret curse the wicked sodomites with Clause 28?

For did not Margaret punish the Church of England for daring to remember the Argentine dead? (George Carey: Thatcher's Revenge)

For did not Margeret offer a haven to Pinochet?

A woman this GOOD, this SELFLESS, this GENEROUS in her assessment of others deserves a warm place in our hearth, I mean, heart.

Sincerely yours,

Maureen Bishop (Mrs.)

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My dear Mrs. Bishop:

Thank you for kind words and marvelous suggestion regarding Baroness Thatcher's beatification. I know for a fact that as an Argentinian Pope Frankie has feelings for her which lay deeper than the Genreral Belgrano, and as soon I finish writing this I'll Skype the young fellow tell him to start tracking down the requisite miracles etc. necessary to complete the process.

Might I also take this opportunity to say how much I've always appreciated the clear and compassionate viewpoints expressed by your friend and neighbour Disgusted, and appreciate the way her legacy is being perpetuated by her dear little nephew (once removed), Outraged of Neutral Bay.

Anonymous said...

My Dear Reverend Doctor,

Thank you for taking up the cudgel on Blessed Margaret's behalf.

May I clarify a point: this beatification business - it won't be hereditory - tut! - herediTARY, will it?

It's poor show having to call that wastrel son of our Greatest Prime Minister 'Sir Mark'. 'Saint Mark' would take the biscuit!

Our most recent Disgusted (Fr.Ed Tomlinson) of Tunbridge Wells swam the Tiber, so things have been much more lax at St Barnabas since Fr.ed took the plunge. And quite a splash he made! I had to get my second-best Viyella coat dry-cleaned.

Have you ever engaged in a pulpit swap, Father Christian? I ask because it's been a good year since we've had a Substantial Presence lambasting Confirmed Bachelors, Uppity Women Priests and refusing to bless lurchers and shitzus on Pet Sunday.

Maud Tunnicliffe's Labradoodle was recently awarded its own hassock (with a cross-stitched St Francis!) so as you can see, it's only a matter of days before the Charismatics move in.

Yours in hope,

Maureen Bishop (Mrs.)

Mrs Tomlinson said...

There is no need to be rude about fat people on this conservative blog. Swimming the Tiber takes a lot of breath when one is 32 stones with a wife lovely and family. It's not easy being a sexually-active RC priest
Tunbridge Wells

Anonymous said...

Dear Mrs Tomlinson

I take the missionary position on fat priests: let him who is without thin cast off the first stone.

I shouldn't care to comment on the sexual activities of portly swimmers, if you don't mind, but if offence has been caused, please accept my most sincere apologies for your misunderstanding.

Now ... Dear Reverend Father Christian,

Are you also a Substantial Presence? It's best to be forewarned about these things for, should you look kindly on the proposed Pulpit Swap, we'll need to get ours reinforced. It's been under considerable strain of late, and we'd rather be safe than sorry.

Tunbridge Wells has much to offer a Man of God: KFC, Subway, Dominos, Paddock Woods Kebab, Star Burger and Dixy Chicken. And if these don't tempt, there's always the Wimpy!

Kindest Regards

Maureen Bishop (Mrs.)

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My Dear Mrs. Bishop,

Following the unfortunate demise of My two previous locum tenentes (every year far more clergy are killed as a result of being struck by meteorites than most people realize - although the Fortean aspect of these tragic accidents - it was the same meteorite on both occasions, and the crew of an unidentified helicopter reported as hovering in the vicinity by a neighbor (who has himself since disappeared) have never been located for questioning regarding the strange atmospheric conditions prevailing at the time) I have made an executive decision to refrain from entering into any further Parish-exchange agreements.

Not, of course, that these gentlemen's brief stays with us weren't accompanied by significant blessings, since the first thing we did upon their arrival was prudently obtain abundant life-insurance cover over them. It's just that I'm not completely confident blaming the mystery on a Crypto-Liberal-Scientific conspiracy will work a third time.

With regard to My presence, many of those closest to Me describe it as not unlike My destiny: manifest. Besides, as a Complementarian I am firmly convinced Our omnipotent lord cannot call anyone to the priesthood who is lacking the requisite number of stones. Having said which, I must say the rise in aquatic activities of Fr. Ed and his like does help explain recent rises in the river's level.

A Fat Valid Priest said...

You will have noticed the absence of former Pope Benedict Ratzinger XVII at Lady Thatcher's funeral. As a member of Hitler Youth, he shared much of the witch's philosophy, so he should have been invited, along with his gorgeous partner Herr Georg Gaenswein You Anglicans have no tolerance of extremists like my good self who left your Protestant Sect in disgust to join The True Conservative Church.
Mr Tomlinson ( disgusted Father)
Tunbridge Wells

Anonymous said...

My Dear Reverend Doctor

I am naturally very disappointed but can see that You are impaled on the horns of a dilemma. Still, I comfort myself with the knowledge that I can visit Your 'Online Parish' at any time of day or night. And in all truth, our church budget will not immediately meet the cost of the pulpit repairs (without a full schedule of jumble sales and sponsored crochet-a-thons)as the first structural report suggests that some considerable damage has befallen it, so a manifestation of Your Good Self would not be without a high level of risk to Your Good Person. I simply could not have it on my conscience! (Or insurance.)

One final question, before I leave You in quiet contemplation: have You ever used a fireman in Your sermons? I ask because, despite dogged examination of my King James, I find no reference to firemen - effeminate or otherwise - and wonder if this is a new directive from either Archbishop Justin or a parting shot from Pope Benedict?

I have arranged a visit to my local Fire Station and hope to find reassurance in a personal examination of the assembled firemen, but any advice You can offer as to what I should be looking for would be greatly appreciated.

In gratitude,

Maureen Bishop (Mrs.)

Lapinbizarre said...

Seems Archbishop Runcie's Falklands sermon, which so pissed-off Herself that Rumour has it that George Carey was a specific act of pay-back malice to the Church on her part (and if Rumour is correct, it sure-as-Heck worked!), was [the subject of the sentence continues to be Runcie's Falkland's sermon] actually the work of Rucie's chaplain, Richard Chartres, who, as bishop of London, will deliver tomorrow's funeral eulogy. May we fairly assume that the smooth Chartres - ever, since his Trinity, Cambridge days, when his tongue first eased its way into the prince of Wales' groove, on the look-out for an Establishment figure to whom to kiss-up - will have figured tomorrow's offering in quite different mode?

[Good to see you again, BTW] said...

Margaret Thatcher was by no means all bad - I well remember the British winter of 1979, when just about everybody was on strike.

People say Thatcher broke the unions. Actually, an awful lot of people had turned against the unions by the time she came to power.

It's also worth remembering that, historically, not all working-class Brits have voted socialist. A good percentage have always voted conservative, when "conservative" meant "Tory". A case in point was my very late grandfather, who lived and worked in the poorest part of Glasgow. He never trusted the socialists because, he said, they were "full of fine talk and nothing else".

Sorry, Fr Christian, but I part company from you on this one.

Jane (Pretoria, South Africa)