Tuesday, November 22, 2016

The Work Begins...

Things are getting busier, My Beloved Sinners. Not a moment passes but a new face doesn’t join us at The Trough. As this happy snap shows, life's a laugh a minute as some of the finest men ever to have evaded prosecution gather together to wallow in preparation for the momentously profitable task of making America grate again.

Yet in your foolish naivety please don't forget My Work here is first and foremost about Ministry. Many of you at Facebook have been asking about my role at President-Elect-For-Life Trump's upcoming inauguration, and you will all be delighted to know that I am at last in a position to reveal a few of the exciting details.

You see, My Poor Unbelievers, that the separation of Church and state comprises a cornerstone of the Holy U.S. Constitution, which was given to our Christian Nation directly by God. Consequently it is impossible to over-emphasize the importance Religion plays in this most sacred of event. Christmas, Holy Week, The Super Bowl - certainly all these traditional amusements of the liturgical calendar have their place, but Inauguration Day is when Believers can truly stand tall and give thanks for that which We are about to receive. And to Me - yes, to your Wise Father-in-the-Faith Rev. Dr. Troll - has fallen the immeasurable honor of preparing little Donny for his Day of Anointing.

Between you and Me, however, I must say that this is proving to be a far from straightforward task. Far be it from Me to call Our Dear Leader a spiritual ignoramus, but let's just say that preparing a room of gibbons for their First Communion would be an easier task. It's not as if Donny isn't religious in his own way, and there's nothing wrong with using prayer as an opportunity to enjoy delivering a twenty minute uninterrupted monologue about oneself (after all - isn't that what Evangelicals have always done?), but opening one's devotions with "Oh Holy and Everlasting Me" hasn't really had much theological traction since Jim Jones starting stockpiling kool-aid.

Which is not to say Donny isn't excited about the ceremony. Certainly he was disappointed there wouldn't be an execution, and we've quietly canned the bikini parade, but once he was promised there'd be no shortage of people to grab by the genitalia once the boring stuff is over he settled down again and lost interest. Although having Bishop Quinine wave something shiny and sparkling in the corner of the room helped  - it's a trick I believe more moderate members of the GOP (now there's an expression you haven't heard for a long time!) are already using regularly.

As with any hyper-active narcissistic sociopath. teaching - like maintaining good bowel health - involves regularity. The emphasis has to be on crumbs of information being repetitively provided on a regular basis. To this end I'm proud to say the President-Elect-For-Life has been starting every day with My leading him through a short Bible study. (I'd planned on registering this program as a whole new incorporated entity called "Morning Glory Ministries" but found there's already a group in Florida by this name. Who seem very nice, even if they are living proof that there still are Christians living in an irony-free zone.) So far it's not going too badly, just as long as we stay away from any passages involving smiting, and I always give him some crayons and a picture of himself to color in.
Although I am getting worried: there's a passage on Solomon coming up soon in the Lectionary, and I'm not sure the House will be too impressed when Air Force One is seconded to start importing another 699 wives and 300 concubines.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


A Happy-clappy woman from Sydney said...

As an animal lover, I'm pleased you have chosen pigs to illustrate the President-for-Life's new staff. Muslims, of course, aren't allowed to eat them, so they should be safe from attack.
I have heard Mr Trump loves animals, too, and is particularly fond of pussies.

Vladimir Putin said...

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Leonard said...

I hold dear every thought you share...we, in the great provinces of the Americas, need all the blanks filled in that we can get *it*...imagine, already some of the folks who work the cafe fincas think Dear Leader is going to take good care of them because he is a machismo (which around here gives one power to change peoples dives and lives and wives). So, I will spread the word amongst all that do and don't, with the wish in my heart, that my personal loathing for Trumpette and Two-pence dimishes before inaguaration day...the Truth is YOU are always RIGHT and if any readjustment in position will no doubt be well advised and acted upon speedy Gonzalezly! Humbled by your presence, I remain, "Shorty" Watchtower-Vitroltenango