African GAFCON Leaders: Mark Thompson

Mark Thompson, the African GAFCON leader pictured above, is for me forever linked with great personal shame; a fact I have hitherto never shared with anyone. It is a cause of unceasing embarrassment to my family that our proud lineage is stained by a wayward nephew, a young Priest of such despicable inclinations that words simply fail to describe him.

In an attempt to set the lad straight we banished him to the other side of world, where it was hoped a spell at a strict educational establishment would make him see the error of his ways. Upon enrollment he was entrusted to the care of the nascent theological powerhouse above, who after unquestioningly serving the Jensen family while himself a student had just been rewarded with an appointment as a junior lecturer, with particular responsibility for students of my nephew’s dismal calibre. Given the zeal with which he had previously debased himself as class toadie, my family held high hopes that he might similarly be able to reform our disgraceful black sheep.

Tragically this was not to be. One of my nephew’s friends and fellow students (another truly shocking excuse for a clergyman) to this day describes Mark Thompson as “the stupidest person I’ve ever encountered” - no mean feat considering the company he keeps. Instead of impressing his students with Biblical maturity, insight and unyielding orthodoxy, Mark Thompson instead became known throughout his home town of Sydney Australia as “the Duck” on account of the vaguely orgasmic quacking sound he'd make when pronouncing the name “Luther” – a figure whom the Rev. Dr. Thompson remains convinced was actually an English Puritan.

With this sort of thinking it was inevitable that Duck Thompson would become a key member of the GAFCON Theological Resource Group, and it has now been revealed that he was one of those attending the recent Ugandan meeting of which until now nothing has been announced. Perhaps one reason for the secrecy was that not all of the Confessing Fellowship (or whatever they’re called this week) are too happy about the Resource Group’s membership: how the Forward in Faith Catholics must feel about this charming little essay, which blames all of contemporary Anglicanism’s problems on Newman and Tract XC, is anyone’s guess. Whatever you do just don’t ask Layman Schofield for an opinion: the resulting apoplexy would undoubtedly be fatal.

Curiously enough this piece was removed over a month ago from the GAFCON site, although it is still on the Anglican Church League’s, a fact obviously unrelated to Mark’s presidency of that association (which itself says more about them than I ever could). In its place GAFCON has put an article entitled “Authority in the Church” which should prove less inflammatory, although even this is not cited in the body of the GAFCON “Resource Papers” page, but is instead buried in the left hand links column. Perhaps the fundamentalist Muslim scholar from whom the Duck plagiarised his doctrine of Scripture has taken offence, and would like his due credit.

Beyond all this, however, it remains that when seeking to understand the Duck’s key role in GAFCON one must recognize his obvious African heritage. Just as ++Akinola keeps saying, GAFCON is a movement of the two-thirds world against the apostasy of their former colonial masters. Whereas my foolish nephew still insists Rev. Thompson is as stereotypical an example of sheltered Sydney Anglicans as is possible to find, any Bible Believer looking at this Jensen family serf can easily see he’s just as much an African as the Ethiopian eunuch of Acts 8:27. Except perhaps the eunuch was more virile. And much nicer.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

My Latest Ministry Innovation

Yesterday I received an email offering financial reward in return for writing and publishing a review of somebody’s product and web site. Now as the product in question was a “non-medical program for curing facial tics and other Tourette’s-related problems in children” (I give you my word I’m not making this up!) I felt uncharacteristically bound to decline the proposal: if God hadn’t meant us to deal with these things medically we wouldn’t have been given electrodes and James Dobson.

Still, the idea of incorporating Biblical Teaching with paid advertising has merit, and I’ve begun working on ways of including promotional material and product placement in sermons, which if properly applied has the potential to revolutionise parish finances around the world.

As a result of this inspired breakthrough St. Onuphrius’ sermons will in future be featuring advertising for which marketers are charged according a sliding scale: cheapest will be simple product endorsements (“While enjoying the hearty new McFester Burger for lunch last Wednesday, the Lord showed me that… ”), followed by product placement (instead of a plain glass of water, or in Bishop Quinine’s case rubbing alcohol, our preachers will now refresh themselves from prominently displayed bottles of whichever beverage manufacture is the highest bidder) and branding (given Nike’s commitment to Gospel values and human rights I’m hoping to strike a deal which involves their logo being embroidered upon the altar cloth and all our vestments in place of the cross – a nice big swoosh would look quite sporting across the back of my Chasuble when consecrating).

The next tier is a direct recommendation from the pulpit, which for a further fee can be accompanied by Biblical endorsement (“Isaiah 26:27 teaches that the Lord makes the way of the righteous smooth, and nothing’s as smooth as Dungbeetle Toilet Tissue, so it stands to reason that if your household isn’t using Dungbeetle you’re just not righteous.”)

At the highest level comes simple coercion, where it is simply demand all parishioners purchase a given quantity of a product or else be damned for all eternity. This should prove particularly useful for anyone wishing to ensure their book reaches the best-seller lists, or that a movie achieves a record-level opening gross. After all, if this strategy works for Tom Wright and J.I. Packer how can it fail to succeed for everyone else?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

The Sarah Palin Show Trial

News has just reached St. Onuphrius' that an investigation concluded Sarah Palin “violated state ethics laws and abused her power” by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired from his position as a state trooper.

Now as the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher there’s not much about ethics and abusing power which I haven’t studied first hand, and it should be made clear from the outset that I firmly believe if a person loves Jesus, Guns and Greasing Palms (and not necessarily in that order) it’s just plain impossible for there to be anything even remotely sinful about them putting a little honest old-fashioned pressure on whoever might be getting in their way. So whatever our sweet little moose-killing Vice-President-to-be did or did not do is really of nobody’s concern other than perhaps the person she did it to. And since he is kinfolk, and this is Alaska, everyone really ought to left alone to shoot it out for themselves come next Thanksgiving.

Still, it’s the duty of One as Righteous as me to examine this liberal beat-up more closely, and once you look beneath the facts things aren’t as simple as they seem. Firstly, the so-called “independent” investigator is someone called “Branchflower” – call me a traditionalist, but I’ve always believed in judging a book by it’s cover (how else can one ascertain the quality of Naturist magazines?) and no man with a name sounding like it was chosen from a florist’s catalogue could possibly be anything other than a covert agent for the International Sodomite Conspiracy. Or perhaps some kind of sick environmentalist: say what you will, but I don’t trust him.

Equally troubling is the photograph reproduced below of investigating legislative committee’s Chair and Vice-chair:

Bible-believing readers will note that the Chairman, shown seated on the right, is not only a Democrat, but even has a beard! So we all can see he’s clearly not a Christian, and was obviously some sort of satanic plant from the beginning.

Fortunately the Vice-chair was a Republican, and consequently Christian, but she is a woman! So how could she be expected to understand the complex issues at stake? What’s more, in accordance with Biblical teaching she would have been obliged to defer to the “men” on the committee, meaning she’d have been in no position to overrule their foregone conclusions, nor even to speak out, as Scriptures make it clear she must remain silent and save any questions for her husband when she gets home.

Which itself raises further questions about the competency of this unjust farce: what kind of a man would allow his wife to be part of a committee which includes Democrats with beards? No, the whole thing smells fishier than Todd’s overalls. If you ask me Bishop Gene Robinson has got to be involved with this somehow, and it’ll only be a matter of time before little David Virtue finds the connection.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

African GAFCON Leaders: Chris Sugden

Great Britain is home to not just one, but two fine humorists named Chris Sugden. The first is best known for his character Sid Kipper, a Norfolk folk singer of exceptional insight, while the second, and funnier of the two is an African GAFCON leader.

Shown above, Canon Dr. Sugden, is the Executive Secretary of Anglican Mainstream International, a gloriously English group who in accordance with all the ancient creeds, define themselves as “committed to the traditional biblical teaching on marriage, the family and human sexuality”. Which I’m sure is something the Council of Nicea intended to include, but just didn’t get around to.

In addition to this important task of clarifying what our forebears meant to say, Canon Sugden also serves as Research Tutor and Fellow of the Oxford Centre for Mission Studies, where his African ethnicity gives him first hand experience in understanding the mistakes of the past, and ensuring future generations don’t repeat the arrogant colonialism of the past, when Anglo-Saxon westerners presumed to speak on behalf of others with little or no regard for them as people. As a modern Conservative Christian academic Chris understands that it’s nowadays only acceptable to treat others with this sort of distain when discussing those of a different sexual or theological orientation.

Known colloquially as “Happy” due to his cheerful demeanour when lecturing (as the picture here admirably illustrates), it is not known if Chris has “friends” in any commonly understood sense of the word. He does, however, have a mother (contrary to rumours that he was actually found under a rock somewhere), and a wife, both of whom are pictured below

This photo was actually the cause of some controversy when originally published, since on first glance it appears Mrs. Sugden is actually smiling. In a subsequent statement by the Sugdens this slur was denied, and they explained she was in fact grimacing with revulsion at the thought that at least one in twenty of the hands featured on the quaint wall-hanging behind her belonged to a person who has at some time in the past enjoyed life. And, the Sugdens asked, "Who know's where such hands may have been?"

Chris’ hobbies include acting as a “mediator” on others’ behalf, taking an obsessive interest in matters relating to human sexuality, and accumulating frequent flyers points at other’s expense.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

African GAFCON Leaders: Stephen Noll

Recently all manner of scurrilous allegations have started to be voiced concerning GAFCON’s legitimacy as the true voice of two-thirds worlds Anglicans fed up with Apostate Westerners turning their backs on good old-fashioned colonialist bigotry and hatred. To counter this falsehood, which dares to suggest GAFCON actually represents a move by disenfranchised white conservatives to further their own causes by throwing money at African churches in order to garner support and legitimacy for their campaign against such evils as human rights, equality, and the need for clergy to receive an academically rigorous theological education, I am starting an occasional series on some of the lesser known GAFCON leaders.

This will, I have no doubt, show that despite defections to the English ++Venables are currently outnumbering those to ++Akinola by something like ten to one, the spirit, heart and effluvia of GAFCON remains intrinsically indigenous. Colonial notions of white leadership have been consigned to the dustbin of history, and what we are now witnessing is an uprising of those to whom the faith was delivered so long ago. The nations whose ancestors whose ancestors quite probably ate those who initially brought them the Gospel have now been called to bring those first truths back to the nations who dispatched these faithful but under-armed missionaries.


First up in this new series is The Rev. Prof. Stephen Noll, Vice Chancellor of Uganda Christian University in Mukono Uganda. Pictured here with his wife Peggy, I must confess to finding the pair strangely arousing, although this may just be an after-effect of the mushrooms Bishop Quinine found growing in the woods.

As you can see, they are both living examples of GAFCON’s African origins, and it is believed “Grassy” (as Dr. Noll is known to his associates) was a key player in the conference recently held at his esteemed institution.Since GAFCON represents a new wave of openness and transparency for all Bible Believers, irrespective of their nationality and ability to think coherently, it’s quite understandable that not a word of this soiree’s proceedings has been made public. Transparency doesn’t involve telling people what you’re doing, and anyone suggesting to the contrary is nothing more than a bare-faced Reappraiser.

No; transparency actually involves using every cliché you’ve ever heard, and making every promise under the sun, in order to convince others of your own legitimacy. Which is why we in the west should all feel so ashamed of having abandoned the Scriptural foundations of our first love in our race to Hell in a handbasket while the church we grew up in is hijacked by the Homosexual Conspiracy etc etc etc blah blah…..

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

GAFCON Ministry Possibilities

Talking yesterday about the veritable goldmine of creationism just waiting for the Anglican Communion to begin effectively exploiting started me thinking, and another marvellous opportunity for us to exploit the gullible came to mind - End Times Teaching.

I must confess that this was also suggested to me some time ago in an email from Robert a fine young reader who was curious about what implications the marvelous world of what we all too readily intellectualise as “Eschatology” have for those of us who are part of God’s One True and Faithful Church.

Now from the outset let me stress that hypothesizing upon “the Last Things” is for many otherwise inferior denominations the heart and soul of their Minister’s Lear Jet, not to mention the other essential accoutrements of modern populist preaching. As Anglicans we are, of course, above such novelties and gewgaws, preferring instead to more maturely invest what we can squirrel away, but the principle remains the same: there are enormous fortunes to be made in inventing outlandish interpretations of such Scriptures as the Revelation to St. John, or Daniel, and given how creative we’ve managed to be with subject of homosexuality or, for that matter, Ordination, there’s simply no excuse for us not to be similarly leading the world when it comes to scaring the wits out of the gullible with talk of the antichrist.

For an example of what can be achieved just look no further than Hal Lindsey, author of that seminal work on the subject, The Late Great Planet Earth. Now despite being sillier than a Scientologist watching a Tom Cruise movie, and considerably less Biblically literate, this book has managed to sell over thirty-five million copies since it was first published in 1970. Or if it’s young people you’re trying to reach, take the Left Behind series: is it any wonder that after buying all 16 volumes of this thing kids are addled enough to think joining True Love Waits or Silver Ring Thing is going to stop teen pregnancies. Hang on – there’s another great idea for an area Anglicans need to start exploiting! Perhaps Consuella’s Pole-dancers’ Fellowship can help get our own version of these going on behalf of the GAFCON primates…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Creationism: a bold new possibility for division.

In stirring up a whole ark full of creationists by daring to suggest that a hard-line conservative Calvinist might be less than reliably qualified as an expert on palaeontology Bishop Clumber has recently hit upon something which members of the Anglican Communion have largely hitherto ignored: namely than banging the old Creationist drum is a great way of getting a significant albeit unstable and excitable section of Christendom worked up enough to stick their hands in their pockets and support one’s ministry.

For too long we’ve been happy to concentrate on homosexuality at the expense of all the other bees in conservative Bible Believer’s bonnets, thereby letting the big money floating around all the other obsessions go to non-Christian groups like Baptists and Pentecostals. I say this has to change: it’s perfectly possible to be homophobic and claim Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs. Not only would this double the number of our extremists, it could also lead to wonderful new potential internal schisms: instead of simply discarding our apostate liberal leaders because of their disgusting commitment to Christ’s ridiculous notions of acceptance and inclusivity, we could now choose to leave because our pure and unreasoning faith is incompatible with the liberals' rejection of Genesis, which stands as the foundation of our faith. Besides, everyone knows scientists are almost impossible to fool into handing over large donations, nor do they generally have anywhere near as much to give as important professions like property developers, politicians, or fun-park operators, so in embracing creationism it’s not as though the Communion risks losing any big supporters.

Can you see the benefit this would have for Bishops who’d like to leave, but aren’t sure they’d get the numbers in a synod vote? Instead of asking people to vote on going or staying, they could instead be called to vote on leaving because the hierarchy’s position on homosexuality is an abomination, or leaving because it’s impossible for Christians to fellowship with anyone denying the truth of our Creator God’s Creation. Either way the schism could occur unimpeded by allegations of procedural mischief – it would have been the result of a fair and plain vote. So everyone could just shut up and get back to the important work of building their leaders’ empire.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.