The Sarah Palin Show Trial

News has just reached St. Onuphrius' that an investigation concluded Sarah Palin “violated state ethics laws and abused her power” by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired from his position as a state trooper.

Now as the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher there’s not much about ethics and abusing power which I haven’t studied first hand, and it should be made clear from the outset that I firmly believe if a person loves Jesus, Guns and Greasing Palms (and not necessarily in that order) it’s just plain impossible for there to be anything even remotely sinful about them putting a little honest old-fashioned pressure on whoever might be getting in their way. So whatever our sweet little moose-killing Vice-President-to-be did or did not do is really of nobody’s concern other than perhaps the person she did it to. And since he is kinfolk, and this is Alaska, everyone really ought to left alone to shoot it out for themselves come next Thanksgiving.

Still, it’s the duty of One as Righteous as me to examine this liberal beat-up more closely, and once you look beneath the facts things aren’t as simple as they seem. Firstly, the so-called “independent” investigator is someone called “Branchflower” – call me a traditionalist, but I’ve always believed in judging a book by it’s cover (how else can one ascertain the quality of Naturist magazines?) and no man with a name sounding like it was chosen from a florist’s catalogue could possibly be anything other than a covert agent for the International Sodomite Conspiracy. Or perhaps some kind of sick environmentalist: say what you will, but I don’t trust him.

Equally troubling is the photograph reproduced below of investigating legislative committee’s Chair and Vice-chair:

Bible-believing readers will note that the Chairman, shown seated on the right, is not only a Democrat, but even has a beard! So we all can see he’s clearly not a Christian, and was obviously some sort of satanic plant from the beginning.

Fortunately the Vice-chair was a Republican, and consequently Christian, but she is a woman! So how could she be expected to understand the complex issues at stake? What’s more, in accordance with Biblical teaching she would have been obliged to defer to the “men” on the committee, meaning she’d have been in no position to overrule their foregone conclusions, nor even to speak out, as Scriptures make it clear she must remain silent and save any questions for her husband when she gets home.

Which itself raises further questions about the competency of this unjust farce: what kind of a man would allow his wife to be part of a committee which includes Democrats with beards? No, the whole thing smells fishier than Todd’s overalls. If you ask me Bishop Gene Robinson has got to be involved with this somehow, and it’ll only be a matter of time before little David Virtue finds the connection.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Get Well wishes for Father Christian

Ministry Questions.

My ministry was founded on the principle of never letting a surplice fee pass one by, no matter what needs doing to get it. Consequently I’ve conducted marriages according to just about every rite known to humanity, including Scientology (the bride and groom wear matching tinfoil hats), but yesterday’s wedding booking has raised a few questions.

These have nothing to do with the fact that groom will be held at gunpoint, and quite possibly handcuffed, since that sort of thing is by no means uncommon if one is commercially astute enough to let word get around that you have no scruples about proceeding if the happy couple are clearly not exchanging vows of their own volition.

Nor is there any uncertainty about the sort of service that will be required. A generic Fundamentalist Christian Protestant show will do fine, with lots of references to Jeee-zuzz and a short sermon taking for granted Adam and Eve’s existence as the original honeymooners will keep everyone happy. Maybe someone praying in tongues, but only of the I-can’t-quite-catch-what-that-guy-in-the-blue-suit-is-saying variety. The DEAR-HOLY-JEEZUZ-I-REALLY-WANT-TO-TELL-YOU-I-LOVE-YOU-BY-SCREAMING-AND-GARGLING-AND-CUMMING-ALL-AT-THE-SAME-TIME kind of tongues probably won’t go down too well with the old Republican money funding this whole double-or-nothing Alaskan gamble.

No: the questions are entirely practical ones of ceremony. Such as how does one indicate the congregation should stand without alarming any “Security advisors” and starting a fire-fight? How do you discretely prevent the couple from playing an extended round of tonsil hockey when told “You may now kiss the bride”? Does advising them to wait until they’re back on Mom’s chartered jet before going for it like Creationists (“Be fruitful and multiply”) constitute sex education? And if so will I risk being retrospectively fined/conscripted/hung, drawn and quartered under whatever enlightened legislation the new mother-in-law introduces after November 4?

No, it’s not easy being Bible-Teacher to the Stars. Fortunately the money will be spectacular, but that just raises another question. Given how thing’s have gone over the past eight years, if we’re in for another term of Republican economic policy will I be able to spend my fee fast enough to beat inflation? Perhaps they’ll understand my fears, and arrange for payment in gold bullion. Or cocaine; that’s a commodity certain to grow in popularity if we’re going back to the “Greed is Good” days.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Here Comes the Bride (& A Few GOP Enforcers)

This note arrived yesterday, and Praise the Lord it looks like St. Onuphrius' will be getting quite a bit of attention in the few weeks...



I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
I also conduct weddings.

My Little Pit Bull

Given all the things emerging about Sarah Palin as a result of people not understanding that conservative Republicans are the only ones with a God-given right to trawl through an opponent’s history, experience and personal life, I have decided to lay a few of my own cards on the table before some irresponsible believer in the idea that truth is more important than spin does so first. After all, I know how distressing it would be for all of you to discover the facts for yourselves on www.andrewhalcro.com before you’ve first had a chance to hear me tell you what to believe.

Consequently I must admit that I have indeed had a long-standing relationship with Governor Palin, who has through the years proved herself a most eager student. Now please note, I’m not confessing to any sort of sexual goings on, since confessing Anglicans never confess to anything. Mature Christians will understand that when a man and a woman are together in the wilderness, relaxing as they slaughter wildlife with nothing more than the bare essentials of a helicopter, several telescopic rifles and enough ammunition to raise Charlton Heston from the grave, a certain spiritual bond must invariably develop. Add to this heady brew a moose carcase and gore-splattered skinning-knives, and how can a young person like her not be attracted to a handsome Man of Doctrine such as myself?

Thus at a time when everyone is talking about experience I can say with certainty that Palin’s experience at standing up to get her own way is exemplary. Take for example her eldest son’s name: the father wanted to call him “Snowmobile Exhaust”, but instead Sarah insisted on the Biblical “Track” - from Job 14:16: ”Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin.” - her personal verse when it comes to the media. Anyone who thinks that was easy has never tried standing between a drunken Snowbilly and the love he feels for his machine: have you any idea how many children in Wasilla are christened “Ski-Doo”? Only someone with Sarah’s muzzle-velocity could win that one: just wait till you see what she’ll be able to talk the Iraqi fundamentalists into doing after they’ve all shared a few dozen Captain Morgans.

No, there’s also another difference between a hockey mum and a pit bull not yet mentioned: pit bulls don’t sacrifice their pups in trying to grab power. And pit bulls don’t tell lies either.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Palin Priorities

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

For the lips of a strange woman…

In a clear oversight on God’s part, the Bible doesn’t directly prohibit American Christians from supporting anyone other than the Republicans. What’s more it’s a tragic indication of the liberal depths to which the Episcopalian Church has plummeted that some clergy are not only daring to question the marvellous way President Bush has managed the economy during these past eight years (who’d have ever dreamed parents would once again be so eager to sell their children into service as chimney sweeps?), but there has not been so much as a single outcry that some clergy are evening openly expressing their intention to vote Democrat in the forthcoming election!!!

No friends, the hour is darker than people realise, and yet even I must admit that over the past weeks a tiny speck of uncertainty about John McCain’s ability to fill President Bush’s shoes has been gnawing at my spirit. It’s not a pleasant thought, but some facts need to be faced head-on: Senator McCain has only voted in support of President George W. Bush on 90% of occasions. This means that a vote for McCain is likely to result in an administration that fails to duplicate what Americans have endured for the past eight years by as much as ten percent! And at a time like this can America afford to deviate that far from a strategy which has left her knee-deep in war, economic strife, and personal hardship?

Yet like the Psalmist, I prophetically cried “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.” (Psalm 121:1), and the Lord heard my plea. Although in this instance the help has come from Alaska, which is a good deal further north of the hills than either the Psalmist or I had in mind. Still, beggars can’t be choosers, and Sarah Palin is exactly what America needs to stay headed in the current direction for another four years. Anyone who enjoys shooting polar bears and wolves is just what McCain needs to stay on track in those troublesome one-in-ten occasions.

To settle any doubts which may have arisen in red-blooded Bible-believing Anglican hearts I’ve been busy photoshopping given by God a number of images of the sweet Vice-President-to-be. There’s no doubt these will have even the Sodomites yearning with desire for what they’re missing, and I’m proud to present the first below. Now would any ladies reading this like to help me by standing behind my monitor and asking “Have you been a naughty moose, Reverend Doctor Troll?”



I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.