Friday, September 5, 2008

My Little Pit Bull

Given all the things emerging about Sarah Palin as a result of people not understanding that conservative Republicans are the only ones with a God-given right to trawl through an opponent’s history, experience and personal life, I have decided to lay a few of my own cards on the table before some irresponsible believer in the idea that truth is more important than spin does so first. After all, I know how distressing it would be for all of you to discover the facts for yourselves on before you’ve first had a chance to hear me tell you what to believe.

Consequently I must admit that I have indeed had a long-standing relationship with Governor Palin, who has through the years proved herself a most eager student. Now please note, I’m not confessing to any sort of sexual goings on, since confessing Anglicans never confess to anything. Mature Christians will understand that when a man and a woman are together in the wilderness, relaxing as they slaughter wildlife with nothing more than the bare essentials of a helicopter, several telescopic rifles and enough ammunition to raise Charlton Heston from the grave, a certain spiritual bond must invariably develop. Add to this heady brew a moose carcase and gore-splattered skinning-knives, and how can a young person like her not be attracted to a handsome Man of Doctrine such as myself?

Thus at a time when everyone is talking about experience I can say with certainty that Palin’s experience at standing up to get her own way is exemplary. Take for example her eldest son’s name: the father wanted to call him “Snowmobile Exhaust”, but instead Sarah insisted on the Biblical “Track” - from Job 14:16: ”Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin.” - her personal verse when it comes to the media. Anyone who thinks that was easy has never tried standing between a drunken Snowbilly and the love he feels for his machine: have you any idea how many children in Wasilla are christened “Ski-Doo”? Only someone with Sarah’s muzzle-velocity could win that one: just wait till you see what she’ll be able to talk the Iraqi fundamentalists into doing after they’ve all shared a few dozen Captain Morgans.

No, there’s also another difference between a hockey mum and a pit bull not yet mentioned: pit bulls don’t sacrifice their pups in trying to grab power. And pit bulls don’t tell lies either.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Erika Baker said...

Oh Father Christian, you've done it again!
Thank you for that wonderful quote from Job, which shall henceforth be my personal motto. I might get it printed on all my stationary, display it on my website and make it beginning and end of my daily prayers.

Where else could we come to learn such wisdom!

Anonymous said...

What do you mean "no sexual goings on"? That's not how I remember it my little Love Troll.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Hush my sweet snow-vixen!

Making our intimate secrets public will indeed help your reputation and career, but please consider the effect upon mine.

Leonard said...

I love the bi-polaristicism of it all with twitch and facial tic...Sweet words or Truth and tantalizing teasines while butchering ill-gotten game...stepping over carcassess is what this high-stepping Republican does wonder she is amongst the "chosen" at St Pauls taste of blood fest.

Anonymous said...

Oh my! Moose carcasses! Gore-splattered skinning knives! A handsome Man of Doctrine! I do declare, Father Christian, I'm sittin' here in my slip, fannin' myself and thinkin' I'm going to have to send Stella out for another lemon coke. Please don't withhold any details - I'm sure I will be most enlightened to hear more about the pit bull and the love Troll.