It hasn’t been a week since the new Khedive of Kenya, the Rt. Rev. Eliud Wabukala, successfully lobbied for the giddy right to call himself Primate-elect, yet he’s already proven to be not a patch on his predecessor, and I refuse to make any secret of the fact that I’m appalled and disgusted.
In today’s Daily Nation the man baldly states “Kenya is hopeless” - shamefully ignoring the fact that the Kenyan Church is actually blessed with one of the most experienced (are we up to 7 years yet?) ministers the world has ever known: little Matt Kennedy. How can any place be hopeless with talent of this calibre – not to mention the little Billies Murdoch and Artwood (they still haven’t fixed the spelling, and Cany is right: Artwood does sound kind of porno – which is probably why he's wanted them to leave it). And that list doesn’t even begin to mention the lovely Hostillium, whom I believe is also a faux-Kenyan; although as the one who appears to do all the work around the parish and rectory she probably can’t really be considered a conservative “leader”.
Not only is the possible new-boy on the Primates Council (quite wisely they seem to have refrained from making any pronouncements until everyone has got whatever it is they need in their piously sweaty little palms) guilty of ignoring the most important Christians in his diocese, but he’s gone on to do the unthinkable for an African GAFCON Bishop: he’s actually made an official pronouncement about an issue in his own country before telling off everyone else in the world. This crass break in protocol is not only deeply offensive, it also included what Wabukala’s history suggests is an utterly unachievable boast, for he continued by claiming “as a church we have the responsibility to preach hope and sanity”.
Then again, to be fair, he didn’t say he was going to do any of those things, only that his church ought to, so he has left himself plenty of wriggle-room. Which you’d better believe he’s going to use.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Times are Changing.
Bishop Quinine has booked himself out of rehab and come home to us early: it seems that as the tremors subsided he had a vision of starting his own program for attractive young men and women in need of some sort of help, and consequently pronounced himself cured.
He’s calling it “The Fourteen Steps” which doesn’t sound very original to me: 1-12 are the standard sort of thing, although step 13 is awfully Mark Driscoll, and why number 14 requires an armadillo costume and a large bowl of cheese sauce is beyond me. Still, he’s trying something new to attract people into the Church, and that’s more than can be said for many of my conservative brethren.
While I realise jetting around the world to attend conferences on the evils of same-sex marriage can be tremendous fun, the reality is I’ve never met anyone who says they came to Christ as a result of some late middle-aged man in a purple shirt racking up frequent–flyer points in an obsessive crusade against people being the way God made them. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good back-slapping session with my cronies as much as the next GAFCON leader, but the reality is ministry can’t be all fun and games. Sometimes we all ought to just get on with the business of growing our churches, because if we don’t there’ll be no future generation to keep paying for the kind of rectories and hotels to which we are entitled.
It’s all very well for the über-Tractarians at Forward in Faith to reminisce about the 19th century, when fiddling with children was only technically illegal, and nobody ever asked questions, or for a nasty evangelical to fantasize that the early 1960’s were a time of a glorious reawakening in the wake of Billy Graham’s 1959 crusade, when the reality was entrenched corruption as police and politicians amassed fortunes in bribes from organized crime and backyard abortionists, but times have changed. I also find myself longing for the days when children could be sold to work as pit-ponies and chimney sweeps, and parents routinely experienced the joy of watching their children die in waves from all-but-forgotten diseases like diphtheria and polio, but those days are gone forever (unless Jim Carrey is allowed to have his way).
Our is an age when thanks to the miracle of broadband Christians can gaze upon Paris Hilton’s pudenda from the comfort of their own La-Z-Boy; it’s no longer enough to wave a bit of man-lace or Calvin on a Sunday morning and expect the sheep to come flocking in. We need to find ways of meeting people which don’t discard our history, but which also don’t require people to pretend they’ve entered a time machine.
Here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re unapologetically conservative, so our core evangelism strategies of liturgical pole-dancing and unlimited free alcohol for everyone under the age of 21 probably aren’t going to work in more progressive congregations, but I mention them as inspiration for your own prayerful explorations into ways of reaching out to people not currently part of our great and glorious communion. Let’s face it, simply telling people you hate queers isn’t working like it used to.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
He’s calling it “The Fourteen Steps” which doesn’t sound very original to me: 1-12 are the standard sort of thing, although step 13 is awfully Mark Driscoll, and why number 14 requires an armadillo costume and a large bowl of cheese sauce is beyond me. Still, he’s trying something new to attract people into the Church, and that’s more than can be said for many of my conservative brethren.
While I realise jetting around the world to attend conferences on the evils of same-sex marriage can be tremendous fun, the reality is I’ve never met anyone who says they came to Christ as a result of some late middle-aged man in a purple shirt racking up frequent–flyer points in an obsessive crusade against people being the way God made them. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good back-slapping session with my cronies as much as the next GAFCON leader, but the reality is ministry can’t be all fun and games. Sometimes we all ought to just get on with the business of growing our churches, because if we don’t there’ll be no future generation to keep paying for the kind of rectories and hotels to which we are entitled.
It’s all very well for the über-Tractarians at Forward in Faith to reminisce about the 19th century, when fiddling with children was only technically illegal, and nobody ever asked questions, or for a nasty evangelical to fantasize that the early 1960’s were a time of a glorious reawakening in the wake of Billy Graham’s 1959 crusade, when the reality was entrenched corruption as police and politicians amassed fortunes in bribes from organized crime and backyard abortionists, but times have changed. I also find myself longing for the days when children could be sold to work as pit-ponies and chimney sweeps, and parents routinely experienced the joy of watching their children die in waves from all-but-forgotten diseases like diphtheria and polio, but those days are gone forever (unless Jim Carrey is allowed to have his way).
Our is an age when thanks to the miracle of broadband Christians can gaze upon Paris Hilton’s pudenda from the comfort of their own La-Z-Boy; it’s no longer enough to wave a bit of man-lace or Calvin on a Sunday morning and expect the sheep to come flocking in. We need to find ways of meeting people which don’t discard our history, but which also don’t require people to pretend they’ve entered a time machine.
Here at St. Onuphrius’ we’re unapologetically conservative, so our core evangelism strategies of liturgical pole-dancing and unlimited free alcohol for everyone under the age of 21 probably aren’t going to work in more progressive congregations, but I mention them as inspiration for your own prayerful explorations into ways of reaching out to people not currently part of our great and glorious communion. Let’s face it, simply telling people you hate queers isn’t working like it used to.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Statements, Covenants, and Nitwits.
The Archbishop of Canterbury might be a lot of things, but he’s not stupid. He might have too much facial hair, and write books that will never be made into movies with exciting car chases, but he’s still nobody’s fool.. He and his advisors might even be shape-shifting lizards, only able to maintain human form by drinking the blood of evangelical virgins (as a frightening number Viagraville’s commenters clearly believe), but that doesn’t mean they’re not a fair bit sharper than the average knife in the ecclesiastical drawer.
Sadly the same can’t be said for the Bishops prepared to put their names to the Statement on the Polity of the Episcopal Church produced by the modestly self-styled “Anglican Communion Institute”. Despite the impressively creative historical revisionism (Sure the church’s founders saw themselves as establishing the Episcopal equivalent of the Helvetic Confederation), anyone thinking that the folks at Lambeth aren’t going to see through this document quicker than a Vegas hooker asks for money has either been smoking some of Bishop Quinine’s toadstools, or was never too bright to begin with.
Let’s face it; the entire raison d'etre of the looming Anglican Covenant is to bind the lot of us together. ++Cantaur cares less about whether two people can or can’t marry in any given place than he does about the fact that many of the places in which they can’t are making awfully threatening noises about splitting away in a division that could ultimately leave us all as united as Brethren, Baptists or fringe Seventh-day Adventist sects. The purpose of getting everyone to put their necks into a covenantal collar is to keep the more dysfunctional adolescent members of our family from running away from home before they’re mature enough to understand what can happen when you loiter around on your own in Hollywood bus stations.
Which means there’s no way he’s ever going to let it be manipulated into becoming a vehicle for further Episcopalian division. It doesn’t matter how long-winded a document anyone produces with the crumbs of little Don Armstrong’s tangled financial shenanigans; if they think the Biggest Blessed Beard in the Communion can be fooled into accepting diocesan level assent to his Covenant, thereby establishing a precedent which can be used to further divide an already fractured Church, then they’re more deluded than the sweet Anglo-Catholic dearies who think that they’ll always have the same rights as Evangelicals in Bobby Duncan’s brave new Province-in-Perpetual-Waiting. It's just not going to happen. Even if the dearies do have a lovely collection of man-lace.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Sadly the same can’t be said for the Bishops prepared to put their names to the Statement on the Polity of the Episcopal Church produced by the modestly self-styled “Anglican Communion Institute”. Despite the impressively creative historical revisionism (Sure the church’s founders saw themselves as establishing the Episcopal equivalent of the Helvetic Confederation), anyone thinking that the folks at Lambeth aren’t going to see through this document quicker than a Vegas hooker asks for money has either been smoking some of Bishop Quinine’s toadstools, or was never too bright to begin with.
Let’s face it; the entire raison d'etre of the looming Anglican Covenant is to bind the lot of us together. ++Cantaur cares less about whether two people can or can’t marry in any given place than he does about the fact that many of the places in which they can’t are making awfully threatening noises about splitting away in a division that could ultimately leave us all as united as Brethren, Baptists or fringe Seventh-day Adventist sects. The purpose of getting everyone to put their necks into a covenantal collar is to keep the more dysfunctional adolescent members of our family from running away from home before they’re mature enough to understand what can happen when you loiter around on your own in Hollywood bus stations.
Which means there’s no way he’s ever going to let it be manipulated into becoming a vehicle for further Episcopalian division. It doesn’t matter how long-winded a document anyone produces with the crumbs of little Don Armstrong’s tangled financial shenanigans; if they think the Biggest Blessed Beard in the Communion can be fooled into accepting diocesan level assent to his Covenant, thereby establishing a precedent which can be used to further divide an already fractured Church, then they’re more deluded than the sweet Anglo-Catholic dearies who think that they’ll always have the same rights as Evangelicals in Bobby Duncan’s brave new Province-in-Perpetual-Waiting. It's just not going to happen. Even if the dearies do have a lovely collection of man-lace.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I'm Honest Scrap (1 out of 2 ain't bad).
My Dear Sinners:
It gives me great to pleasure to announce that yet another award as been bestowed upon your beloved Doctrinal Warrior. The fine image on top of the sidebar to your left comes from none other than our faithful friend Leonardo Ricardo, who in turn received it from one of the bravest bloggers you’ll ever have the privilege of visiting.
As part of the rules associated with this great honor one must reveal 10 hitherto unknown things about oneself, and so without any further ado…
One:
People often remark that when in the pulpit I remind them of Freddie Mercury.
Two:
Of the Kennedy’s, I consider Caroline more intelligent, although Matt follows my blog more closely.
Three:
Consuella once stopped me from buying myself Hannah Montana pyjamas because she felt them “inappropriate”.
Four:
I believe little David Virtue finds me more arousing than I do him, although he’s too repressed to admit it.
Five:
The nastiest, most dangerously violent person I’ve ever encountered was a girl named “Cindy”. Honestly.
Six:
Once, in a moment of financial desperation, I worked as a telephone psychic, and people kept expressing their amazement at my accuracy.
Seven:
Hellmann’s mayonnaise goes with everything, except perhaps strawberries and ice-cream.
Eight
Like Frank Zappa, I think Punky Meadows and his contribution to contemporary music are underestimated.
Nine:
Sometimes, when alone in the bath, I like to pretend I’m the Little Mermaid.
Ten:
I believe that Deuteronomy 23:12-13 means Christians should probably not have indoor toilets.
I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
It gives me great to pleasure to announce that yet another award as been bestowed upon your beloved Doctrinal Warrior. The fine image on top of the sidebar to your left comes from none other than our faithful friend Leonardo Ricardo, who in turn received it from one of the bravest bloggers you’ll ever have the privilege of visiting.
As part of the rules associated with this great honor one must reveal 10 hitherto unknown things about oneself, and so without any further ado…
One:
People often remark that when in the pulpit I remind them of Freddie Mercury.
Two:
Of the Kennedy’s, I consider Caroline more intelligent, although Matt follows my blog more closely.
Three:
Consuella once stopped me from buying myself Hannah Montana pyjamas because she felt them “inappropriate”.
Four:
I believe little David Virtue finds me more arousing than I do him, although he’s too repressed to admit it.
Five:
The nastiest, most dangerously violent person I’ve ever encountered was a girl named “Cindy”. Honestly.
Six:
Once, in a moment of financial desperation, I worked as a telephone psychic, and people kept expressing their amazement at my accuracy.
Seven:
Hellmann’s mayonnaise goes with everything, except perhaps strawberries and ice-cream.
Eight
Like Frank Zappa, I think Punky Meadows and his contribution to contemporary music are underestimated.
Nine:
Sometimes, when alone in the bath, I like to pretend I’m the Little Mermaid.
Ten:
I believe that Deuteronomy 23:12-13 means Christians should probably not have indoor toilets.
I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
++Orombi's Real Crisis
Bible-believing Christians in the west have long been accustomed with the media’s wicked bias against our noble self-piety, and these days few of us other than little David Virtue bothers getting worked up when some uppity journalist dares publish the truth, instead of just obediently repeating whatever their spiritual superiors tell them.
Sadly, however, an article in the Ugandan Daily Monitor shows this terrible first-world malaise is spreading to places once previously famous for the peaceful fruit that springs forth when Christian Purity and Orthodoxy is combined with an utterly ruthless militia.
Instead of blindly praising Archbishop Orombi as one of the Communion’s great minds, (as western conservatives know all African Christians recognize him to be), the writer dares to suggest the Primate and his lackeys are in fact guilty of cronyism and incompetence, and not beyond throwing a bit of malicious mud around if that’s what it takes to get one of their own appointed to a choice position.
Even worse, rather than recognizing that by ordering his Prelates to boycot Lambeth ++Orombi helped bring about an end to homosexuality, the article posits that the real reason might have been “a lack of intellectual nimbleness” among the Kenyan Bishops. Or instead perhaps “proof positive that African Anglican churches such as Uganda’s are institutionally predestined to produce bishops cast out of the same confessional iron, all of who think alike” and inherently undemocratic.
I know we’re currently all upset about documents proving a group of conservative and grumpy old men have acted like conservative and grumpy old men, and been busy playing politics (a process which always includes sending sending plenty of emails), but perhaps the real Anglican firestorm might actually be starting to burn in darkest Africa – and I fear the cause of the problem is that terrible curse we call “education”. That's why we must never forget that our best defense against the destruction of what we have misrepresented as "Christianity" is not politic constructs (not even ones that involve lots of first-class air travel and luxurious "conferences"), but continuous vigilance to ensure everything possible is done to continue "dumbing-down" the congregations with whom we have been entrusted - something I fear little Primate Orombi might be neglecting.
You see, my dear sinners, as African Christians grow in maturity (and despite all our best efforts to patronize them, it will happen), some of them may well start asking the same the sort of questions as our own pesky Apostate Liberals. We can only rely on the uneducated masses to embrace literal and homophobic exegesis for so long, and if more people start challenging the right of their local church to embrace nepotism and corruption, and to make key decisions behind closed doors, without consultation, one can only expect the African church to be available for use as a one-dimensional role-model for a little while longer. And then what will we do?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Sadly, however, an article in the Ugandan Daily Monitor shows this terrible first-world malaise is spreading to places once previously famous for the peaceful fruit that springs forth when Christian Purity and Orthodoxy is combined with an utterly ruthless militia.
Instead of blindly praising Archbishop Orombi as one of the Communion’s great minds, (as western conservatives know all African Christians recognize him to be), the writer dares to suggest the Primate and his lackeys are in fact guilty of cronyism and incompetence, and not beyond throwing a bit of malicious mud around if that’s what it takes to get one of their own appointed to a choice position.
Even worse, rather than recognizing that by ordering his Prelates to boycot Lambeth ++Orombi helped bring about an end to homosexuality, the article posits that the real reason might have been “a lack of intellectual nimbleness” among the Kenyan Bishops. Or instead perhaps “proof positive that African Anglican churches such as Uganda’s are institutionally predestined to produce bishops cast out of the same confessional iron, all of who think alike” and inherently undemocratic.
I know we’re currently all upset about documents proving a group of conservative and grumpy old men have acted like conservative and grumpy old men, and been busy playing politics (a process which always includes sending sending plenty of emails), but perhaps the real Anglican firestorm might actually be starting to burn in darkest Africa – and I fear the cause of the problem is that terrible curse we call “education”. That's why we must never forget that our best defense against the destruction of what we have misrepresented as "Christianity" is not politic constructs (not even ones that involve lots of first-class air travel and luxurious "conferences"), but continuous vigilance to ensure everything possible is done to continue "dumbing-down" the congregations with whom we have been entrusted - something I fear little Primate Orombi might be neglecting.
You see, my dear sinners, as African Christians grow in maturity (and despite all our best efforts to patronize them, it will happen), some of them may well start asking the same the sort of questions as our own pesky Apostate Liberals. We can only rely on the uneducated masses to embrace literal and homophobic exegesis for so long, and if more people start challenging the right of their local church to embrace nepotism and corruption, and to make key decisions behind closed doors, without consultation, one can only expect the African church to be available for use as a one-dimensional role-model for a little while longer. And then what will we do?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
How do you say "Pork Barrel" in Kenyan?
Just because the Anglican Church of Kenya hasn’t bothered to spell little Billy Atwood’s name correctly on their web site doesn’t mean the people of Nairobi don’t think of North America’s favorite faux-Kenyan everyday. Or at least two of them do: Primate Benjamin M. Nzimbi, and whoever it is that has been appointed heir to the pointiest hat in all Kenya.
That’s because ++Nzimbi’s term of appointment has expired, and lobbying for the forthcoming election, to be held later this week, is fierce. Speaking to leading Kenyan newspaper The Daily Nation, the Rev. Joshua Owiti from Maseno South Diocese hinted that at least some of the delegates have been less than impressed with the globe-trotting Gafconeer, saying “only God can give the church a new leader who will improve the image tainted by taking partisan positions during the 2007 General Election”.
Which is why the schismatics – or their money, at any rate – are currently foremost in the outgoing administration’s mind: one only has to read the Daily Nation’s review of synod processes to realize just how vital U.S. dollars will be to greasing enough palms to ensure ++Nzimbi and his fellow GAFCON puppeteers can continue pulling the strings:
What we can be certain about is that it won’t be long after reading this before little Billy Atwood is screaming down the phone at some first-year I.T. student in Nairobi, demanding the web page is fixed Now!!! If anyone’s interested in laying bets on how many days it takes for him to have it changed I’m sure the St. Onuphrius’ Treasury will be able to give most attractive odds. Don’t worry though: I’ve already saved a copy of the current page for our future reference, edification, and amusement.
Incidentally, anyone concerned about little Bishop Nzimbi’s other plans for the future will be delighted to know that he’s been nominated for a seat on the proposed Kenya Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Commission. And when you’ve caught your breath and finished laughing you might then consider pausing in a moment’s prayer for the people of Kenya. Clearly they need our prayers more than any of us had imagined.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
That’s because ++Nzimbi’s term of appointment has expired, and lobbying for the forthcoming election, to be held later this week, is fierce. Speaking to leading Kenyan newspaper The Daily Nation, the Rev. Joshua Owiti from Maseno South Diocese hinted that at least some of the delegates have been less than impressed with the globe-trotting Gafconeer, saying “only God can give the church a new leader who will improve the image tainted by taking partisan positions during the 2007 General Election”.
Which is why the schismatics – or their money, at any rate – are currently foremost in the outgoing administration’s mind: one only has to read the Daily Nation’s review of synod processes to realize just how vital U.S. dollars will be to greasing enough palms to ensure ++Nzimbi and his fellow GAFCON puppeteers can continue pulling the strings:
“Political and ethnic lobbying has started in earnest, with key political parties aligning themselves with some candidates.Equally interesting is the fact that not a mention of this was made at recent GAFCON meeting in London, even though it marked the last time ++Nzimbi could legitimately sit as a member of the “Primates Council” Then again, since not being a Primate doesn’t stop 12.5% of the Council from participating, and it remains to be seen if he can bring himself to relinquish one of the choicest plums any Kenyan Prelate has ever enjoyed. My guess is ++Nzimbi will cut a deal with his appointed successor to ensure he keeps enjoying the travel, fine hotels, and sycophantic Westerners, while the newcomer has to content himself with the local first-fruits.
ACK elections normally draw the interests of the political leadership, in a bid to win the support of the church members through their leader.”
What we can be certain about is that it won’t be long after reading this before little Billy Atwood is screaming down the phone at some first-year I.T. student in Nairobi, demanding the web page is fixed Now!!! If anyone’s interested in laying bets on how many days it takes for him to have it changed I’m sure the St. Onuphrius’ Treasury will be able to give most attractive odds. Don’t worry though: I’ve already saved a copy of the current page for our future reference, edification, and amusement.
Incidentally, anyone concerned about little Bishop Nzimbi’s other plans for the future will be delighted to know that he’s been nominated for a seat on the proposed Kenya Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Commission. And when you’ve caught your breath and finished laughing you might then consider pausing in a moment’s prayer for the people of Kenya. Clearly they need our prayers more than any of us had imagined.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
From Darkness into Light.
While trawling around the internet in search of the sin in people’s lives I chanced upon a delightfully nasty site, featuring a post headed “Hate crimes bill - bad news for believers”.
The author, whose professed aim is to “speak the truth in love, edify, bless and transform this local body of Christ”, offers an alarming warning that the right of conservative Christians to incite hatred (in love, of course) towards homosexual and transgendered persons might soon be brought to end by an act of Congress. GAFCON Bible-believers have indeed every reason to be concerned by this prospect, since if prevented from taunting, vilifying and discriminating against their fellow human beings it’s hard to see how their faith could survive. After all, what would little David Virtue have left to write about? Or all the pent-up energy of the wild and crazy gang commenting regularly at Viagraville could prove positively dangerous - some of them might well explode!
Indeed, I was just about to work myself into the obligatory rage at the mere prospect of this terrible restriction on the non-contextual preaching and practice of Leviticus, when I chanced to see the next post at this lyceum of learning, entitled “We are only what we are in the dark.”
That’s so true, I shouted out aloud. It really is only in the dark that our true and basest natures are completely revealed: for example anyone staying after sunset at the St. Onuphrius' Rectory soon realizes I’m a lean, mean, doctrinally-sound Christian love machine. While some other people are just grubby little passive-aggressive homophobes. And take it from me: they're even worse if you then try and turn the lights on.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
The author, whose professed aim is to “speak the truth in love, edify, bless and transform this local body of Christ”, offers an alarming warning that the right of conservative Christians to incite hatred (in love, of course) towards homosexual and transgendered persons might soon be brought to end by an act of Congress. GAFCON Bible-believers have indeed every reason to be concerned by this prospect, since if prevented from taunting, vilifying and discriminating against their fellow human beings it’s hard to see how their faith could survive. After all, what would little David Virtue have left to write about? Or all the pent-up energy of the wild and crazy gang commenting regularly at Viagraville could prove positively dangerous - some of them might well explode!
Indeed, I was just about to work myself into the obligatory rage at the mere prospect of this terrible restriction on the non-contextual preaching and practice of Leviticus, when I chanced to see the next post at this lyceum of learning, entitled “We are only what we are in the dark.”
That’s so true, I shouted out aloud. It really is only in the dark that our true and basest natures are completely revealed: for example anyone staying after sunset at the St. Onuphrius' Rectory soon realizes I’m a lean, mean, doctrinally-sound Christian love machine. While some other people are just grubby little passive-aggressive homophobes. And take it from me: they're even worse if you then try and turn the lights on.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
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